BW 131: Loving an Addict: Insights on Grief, Guilt, and Healing with Deanna Marie
Dec 24, 2024[TRANSCRIPT BELOW]
Deanna Marie is a life coach specializing in helping women navigate relationships with alcoholic partners.
Deanna shares her personal journey of being married to an alcoholic for 20 years, how she turned her pain into purpose, and the wisdom she's gained through her coaching practice.
Together, she and Emily, tackle some of the most difficult questions about grief, guilt, and finding hope, particularly for widows who have lost a partner to addiction.
From learning to detach with love to setting boundaries and focusing on self-care, this conversation is packed with actionable advice and heartfelt encouragement.
If you've struggled with complicated grief, feelings of guilt, or navigating relationships with an addicted partner, this episode is for you.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode
💬 Why people stay in relationships with alcoholic partners and how to navigate that decision.
💬 Understanding the guilt and shame often tied to loving an addict—and why it's not your fault.
💬 How to approach communication and set healthy boundaries with someone struggling with addiction.
💬 Insightful advice for widows navigating the complicated grief that comes with losing an addicted partner.
💬 The importance of prioritizing self-care and rediscovering yourself after loss or difficult relationships.
👉 Links Mentioned in the Episode:
- https://www.deannamarielifecoaching.com
- https://www.facebook.com/deannamarielifecoaching
- https://www.instagram.com/deannamarielifecoaching
💬 Let us know what resonated with you most in the comments below!
Chapters:
00:26 Meet Deanna Marie: Life Coach for Partners of Alcoholics
00:55 Deanna's Personal Journey and Mission
02:30 Understanding Complicated Grief in Relationships with Addicts
03:35 Why Do People Stay in Relationships with Alcoholics?
07:16 The Struggles and Guilt of Loving an Addict
11:20 Recognizing Red Flags in Relationships
15:58 Communicating and Setting Boundaries with an Addict
23:09 Supporting an Addict Without Losing Yourself
28:41 Deanna's Contact Information and Closing Remarks
👉 If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform. Your feedback helps us reach more widows and support them on their journey to healing.
#WidowSupport #GriefJourney #HealingTogether #LifeAfterLoss
Resources:
- Secure your free spot for the Widow Winter Solstice: https://www.bravewidow.com/winter
- Brave New Widow free guidebook: https://www.bravewidow.com/start
- Join the Brave Widow Membership Community: https://www.bravewidow.com/join
Join the Brave Widow Community:
If you're feeling overwhelmed and unsure of your next step in your grief journey, now is the time to take action. The Brave Widow Membership is here to provide you with the support, guidance, and community you need to heal and rediscover joy. Don’t go through this alone—join us today and start moving forward with confidence. https://www.bravewidow.com/join
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Hey hey, I’m Emily Tanner. I was widowed at age 37, one month shy of our 20 year wedding anniversary. Nathan and I have four beautiful children together, and my world was turned completely upside down when I lost him.
Now, I love my life again! I’m able to experience joy, achieve goals and dreams I thought I’d lost, and rediscover this next version of me.
I did the work.
I invested in coaching for myself.
I learned what I needed to do to move forward and took the steps.
I implemented the tools and strategies that I use for my clients in my coaching program.
This is for you, if:
- You want a faith-based approach to coaching
- You want to move forward after loss, and aren’t sure how
- You want to enjoy life without feeling weighed down by guilt, sadness, or regret
- You want a guide to help navigate this journey to the next version of you
- You want to rediscover who you are
- Join the Brave Widow Community: https://www.bravewidow.com/join
- Schedule a consult with Emily: https://calendly.com/bravewidow/widow-consult-call?month=2024-08
Find and take the next steps to move forward (without “moving on”).
FOLLOW me on SOCIAL:
Twitter | @brave_widow
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TRANSCRIPT
Introduction to the Brave Widow Show
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[00:00:00] Emily: Welcome to another episode of the Brave Widow Show. I'm here with Deanna Marie, and she has a lot of tips and insight that she's going to share with us today on some challenging relationship dynamics that you might have experienced or that you may be experiencing today. Deanna, welcome, and thank you so much for agreeing to come on the show.
[00:00:22] Deanna Marie: Oh, thank you so much for having me, Emily. I appreciate it.
[00:00:26] Emily: Yeah.
Meet Deanna Marie: Life Coach for Partners of Alcoholics
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[00:00:26] Emily: So I know our audience would love to learn more about you and your background and some of what you do. So do you mind to introduce yourself and share that?
[00:00:38] Deanna Marie: Of course. Thank you. Yeah. My name is Deanna Marie. And what I do is I am a life coach for women who are in relationships with alcoholic partners.
[00:00:50] They are not the alcoholic. It's actually their partner that they live with that they're struggling with.
Deanna's Personal Journey and Mission
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[00:00:55] Deanna Marie: Are the people that I help and how I got into this is over just about 20 years ago. Now I was in a relationship for 20 years with my alcoholic ex husband and I was in my 30s at that point in time and I really.
[00:01:12] I was looking for resources to help me, and there were the resources of Al Anon and self help books, and of course therapy, but I really, I didn't really find a place that, what I was looking for, like therapy, you go and you talk, but they don't really give you actionable advice, or they don't tell you what to do, and the same way goes with Al Anon, and of course with self help too, it's all one sided, and I wanted to be someone that, I was looking for someone at that time to really mentor me and guide me and get me through all these tough situations.
[00:01:50] And way back then, I decided I was going to be that resource for people in the future. And so fast forward 20 years, I retired from a full time government job and and struck out and got certified as a life coach. And now I'm helping women and with alcoholic partners.
[00:02:09] Emily: Thank you so much for doing that.
[00:02:10] I love when people take their challenges and their struggles and they look at what's needed. What would I have wanted? And then they just go out there and create it themselves. I just think that's such a great way to serve our community and to find passion and purpose in what we do.
Understanding Complicated Grief in Relationships with Addicts
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[00:02:30] Emily: And for the audience, one of the reasons that I wanted Deanna to come on and to talk to you is because I hear from so many widows that have lost a spouse or a partner that was an alcoholic or someone that struggled with addiction and that can cause a complicated type of grief where you're feeling like, okay, I'm sad.
[00:02:55] This was my person. I love them dearly. And also my life is a little simpler now. It's a little easier. Quieter now the chaos is, has calmed down and I'm afraid to say those words out loud. Like I have some guilt or fear that people are going to judge or not understand the life of living in that situation.
[00:03:21] You might also be in a situation where. People didn't understand why you stayed in that relationship as long as you did. And so their sympathy for your grief may be diminished because in their mind, you've been set free in a way.
Why Do People Stay in Relationships with Alcoholics?
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[00:03:35] Emily: So lots of different ways that we can look at this topic, but Deanna, what would you share about, maybe we start with someone who's, been in a relationship with someone who struggled with alcoholism and why we stay.
[00:03:53] That's probably one of the top questions that family and friends have is why do you put up with this or why do you give them another chance? What was your experience like with that or what do you see in the people that you help with this?
[00:04:07] Deanna Marie: Yeah that's really a packed question because people stay for a multitude of reasons.
[00:04:13] There's just. No one size fit all, the primary reason people stay, I would say, is that they're in this relationship with this person because they generally love this person and they see the good in this person, maybe even so much so that person doesn't even see it in themselves, like they I remember even with my ex husband, he was so funny, he was so kind, he would give the shirt off his back, but unfortunately, he struggled with this addiction, and so many, I would say, a lot of people stay, because you're just like I know they can be this person, and I know they will eventually get back to this place of when I met them, and our dreams and goals together.
[00:05:01] But there's also the other scenario that people are there because they're tied to financially, or they're just at an age that they're fearful, it's they just think, well, what's going to be better. The grass isn't always greener. And that could be the case. But it couldn't, it could also be the opposite, but in my what I do with my clients is I can't make that choice for them.
[00:05:29] They have to really decide on what's best for them. All I can do for them is if they decide to stay. To help them create more of a fulfilling life, bring more joy and not just constant, the constant misery and chaos of living with an alcoholic and whether they decide that they work through enough of the steps with me to realize that, you know what?
[00:05:58] I have worked through my fears. I have worked through my financial concerns and I want to go then we'll work through that too because I would offer up to anybody who's listening with someone who has an apartment who has it who has addiction Is You know, leaving and running out is one thing. We certainly all could do that and a lot of people do.
[00:06:20] And if it's a safety reason, please leave the relationship. But what happens is, I've heard it over and over again, women leave these relationships and then They go back because they haven't closed every door. They haven't worked through the loneliness. They haven't worked on losing the dream that they thought they were going to have with this person.
[00:06:45] They haven't worked on how to separate, and how to work through issues with the children and how other people are going to react. So in my practice, what I do is I really provide them clarity on all those issues. Whether so they can decide whether staying is the best choice or leaving, and when they leave, they are 100 percent certain it's the best for them and they feel clean and clear about it.
[00:07:14] Emily: Yeah, those are some really great points.
The Struggles and Guilt of Loving an Addict
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[00:07:16] Emily: And I imagine that it would be really hard to be in a relationship in that situation where you like love that person so much and you just want to wring their little necks because they're struggling with this and you can't control what they do or how they're struggling and how they respond to that.
[00:07:40] But maybe there's an element of guilt, or, oh, I could have said this, or I should have done that, or maybe if I did something differently, then they wouldn't feel the need to do this. Is that something that your clients typically wrestle with, of, like, how much their influence is impacting this person's addiction, whether that's in a positive light or negatively?
[00:08:05] Deanna Marie: Absolutely. And as in women, we are so good at kicking our own butts, right? Like we must be doing something wrong or something not well enough that we are somehow causing our partner's frustration, anxiety, whatever. And that's why they can, they continue to drink. That's not the case for everybody because a lot of women are very educated enough to know that their partner.
[00:08:34] Has control over their own drinking and nobody in the world can say or do anything to change that person's mind. They can't be the best cook, the best house cleaner, the best, partner, lover, whatever. And that's going to help their partner stop drinking. It's just not going to happen.
[00:08:55] But they do wrestle with that. And for anybody who wrestles with that thinking that you are not enough and you are somehow Wow. By you not being enough, contributing to your partner's addiction or over drinking, I want to tell you, no, that's not the case at all. You are enough as you are, and this addiction is their addiction, and they are the only ones who have to decide.
[00:09:26] To change it, you can't do it for them.
[00:09:29] Emily: That's really powerful and especially for people who may be widowed from someone that struggled with a type of addiction, just an important reminder that it's a reflection of them, much more so than it is a reflection of you and what you did or didn't do and what you did or didn't say, and how ultimately the result of that over the relationship.
[00:09:55] Deanna Marie: Yeah, absolutely. And when we get into this relationship, depending on your age and stuff, like I was in my twenties, you're not, you're only thinking about having fun and we're going to have some kids and a dog and a picket fence and everything's going to be great. And then it's only when you get older, you realize, wow, there's so much.
[00:10:14] There's so much more about our humanity and our behavior and how we show up in life based on what has happened in the past. And sometimes those things don't really appear until it's maybe too far gone. I don't want to say too late, but too far gone. And I can say that, there is a difference. A lot of the reasons why partners drink is because there is this past trauma that they haven't reconciled with and They need to work on that.
[00:10:50] They're the only ones who can really clear that up. It's just important to know that they have to do their own work. And what I would encourage all women and those who may have lost someone from addiction is do your own work and don't, and just know who you are and don't take on the guilt of someone else's past.
[00:11:16] No.
[00:11:17] Emily: Yeah. Yeah. Great points.
Recognizing Red Flags in Relationships
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[00:11:20] Emily: Now, what about somebody who is dating, let's say someone and they think wow, this person maybe drinks more than normal or they drink a lot, but I don't really know. Is it, are they considered an alcoholic? Are they considered addicted to this? Or is it just, is this acceptable?
[00:11:42] Are there any signs or any? Like red flags or whatever you want to call them that people could be on the lookout for to know whether or not someone is, drinking in private or hiding things or addicted to substances. What are your thoughts on that?
[00:12:01] Deanna Marie: Yeah, and I would say that as women too this is another thing.
[00:12:06] It's like we are so forgiving and because we want these relationships to work like we get into the relationships for the long term, and we have to really just Recognize that to trust ourselves and trust what we're feeling internally because one of the behavior characteristics of an alcoholic is that they'll try to turn it around.
[00:12:31] It's not really that big of a deal, or you're reading into things, or this isn't true, or you're going crazy and that was part of the problem that I had. So if you find that you're starting to see red flags. I want you to, I encourage you to really look at them and ask yourself, am I going crazy or did this really happen?
[00:12:55] And trust yourself. The reason why you're having these little jolts of emotion in your body is because your body is telling you something is wrong. Whether you see it or you don't, if you're. somehow feeling uncomfortable, like it's just not right. You need to trust yourself. So many times we're just like cause you love them.
[00:13:18] You want to give them out of the doubt. Why would they lie to you? But unfortunately, Addiction doesn't care, and it will say and do whatever it can do in order to sustain the addiction. As long as nobody's interfering, that's great. But if someone starts interfering by asking too many questions, then addiction is going to try to turn it around and blame somebody else.
[00:13:46] Emily: Yeah, I hadn't thought about that. Although that makes a lot of sense about if you bring it up, then the other person that may be a sign if they're like, Oh, you're making a big deal out of this. It's just one drink, two drinks, whatever it is Yeah, that's a really good point. What about for someone who's in a long term relationship or maybe they're remarried and they're trying to work up the nerve, maybe even to have these conversations or to know maybe they've been married for 20 years.
[00:14:18] Where would they even start with addressing the problem or escalating if the problem continues? What are your thoughts on that?
[00:14:30] Deanna Marie: I just first want to start off by mentioning the fact like, because I am now remarried and there may be people, I just want to point this out to people and I hope not, but there may be people who are listening to this because they lost their spouse from addiction and find that geez, some of the patterns are the same, and so I just want to offer up to these.
[00:14:59] People, men and women who are in these relationships is to really don't get lost in the fact of this is as good as going to get because you've gotten into this relationship because it feels familiar and but often it ends up to be the same way. Hopefully not with the passing, but the behaviors and the life.
[00:15:27] Is going to be the same. The patterns are still going to be the same. So I wanted to start with that. The second part of your question was, um, where
[00:15:37] Emily: do they even start? So let's say somebody's been married for, an amount of time. And maybe they've not even really, they have had the conversation, but not really like, where should they just start with even evaluating what should I consider my first few options to try or to think about?
Communicating and Setting Boundaries with an Addict
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[00:15:58] Deanna Marie: Communication, and what happens is when you're in a relationship with someone who struggles with addiction, I. Because addiction will fight you back like it wants to stick around.
[00:16:09] It's easier just not to say anything. And so we tend to become tend to shut down at least I know I did and I became a shell of myself. It's funny. And I'm sure this is it's not funny, but. I'm sure this may resonate with some of your people is that, I was in a managerial governmental position for over 30 years that people, I was a take charge person by the day by day.
[00:16:34] And then I came home and I was like a shell of myself at night. And that's what we live when we're in these relationships long enough. And like I said, I was there for 20 years. But what I know now is the first thing you need to do is start communicating. You can't communicate with your partner. And there are specific ways that you should communicate with your partner.
[00:16:58] Obviously, we all know when we're in relationships long enough that there's those quieter moments when we, the doors open where we can have a good conversation. Those are the times to have a conversation. You talk when you're talking to your partner about things that are concerning you.
[00:17:14] Don't direct it at them as when you do this. I feel it's like I feel uncomfortable when you are doing it's make it about you and now not about what they're doing wrong, but how you have discomfort and how it's affecting you because otherwise it's just going to end up as they're going to think that you're, talking down to them and it's just going to end up into a fight.
[00:17:42] The other thing is, if it starts to get to a point where it's escalated. It's okay to cut off the conversation, but if you haven't finished, either set a timeline to come back to the conversation hey, I can see that this is getting a little heated right now, but it's important to me, I would like to finish this.
[00:18:05] And could we talk again on Thursday or whatever? Don't let it just, drag out and or go into the air, right? Because that's what we do. We start conversations, it gets heated, it gets all, it doesn't go the way we want to. We either shut down and don't bring it up again or it just dis in and stay angry and frustrated or just dissipates in the air and we're like, Oh,
[00:18:30] I don't even care anymore, but that's not the truth because it's still really bothering you. So to answer your question communication, you have to talk to your, you have to talk to your partner about the things that are concerning you, so You can always be certain that you have the information from them about how they're feeling, because if we don't finish a conversation, and it's always out in the air, we can never have closure one way or another, because then what happens You know, if you do decide to make another choice in your relationship, you're like I never really got to the end of that conversation about whatever the kids or moving or whatever you need to have great communication.
[00:19:23] And then after that, obviously, and this isn't all relationships, it's just setting boundaries. Things that you will or will not accept and unfortunately if you've been in a past relationship With someone who has addiction that in this current relationship It's so important to start taking care of you.
[00:19:47] Not just you know, not just Going through life, I say this, living your life, showing off for you, not getting up, going to work, and just letting life roll, having control over what you can do. And unfortunately, So many of us women, we just get in the patterns and emotions, get up, take care of the kids, get them off to school, go to work, come home, make dinner.
[00:20:14] We don't think about where we are in this equation. Where am I? And what happens is we lose ourselves again. And if And I say this really for the women who perhaps are widowed and are still trying to find their next step. What do you want? Where are you? Who do you want to be? And really look for her and take steps toward her.
[00:20:43] And a lot of people like, Oh I've always wanted to paint and no, I can't pay. Yes, you can go to Michael's and buy a slate. It's but just do it. It doesn't have to be crazy. Just take a little step, go buy a kiddie workbook with paint the numbers. It doesn't matter. Just take one step for you.
[00:21:06] You're only here once, and unfortunately if you lost loved one, that's a lot. That's a lot to deal with. So you deserve some self care. You deserve to find yourself within you.
[00:21:22] Emily: Yeah.
[00:21:23] Deanna Marie: That's what I would recommend. I love that. I'll step down from my pulpit no,
[00:21:29] Emily: I love it. And, of course, with you being a life coach, you totally get it.
[00:21:34] Yeah. You definitely have. We can control our actions and what we choose to believe with our thoughts and that's pretty much it. We can't control anyone else and what they choose to do or the things that happen to us. And it is a message that I try to share frequently through the show is that you can create a life that you enjoy and one that's and I think that's, very meaningful to you.
[00:22:02] The challenge at times is when you're in a relationship with someone who has influence over you and is impacting you that there's going to be some friction until you're able to work through that or create distance in some way. Yeah. So I'm curious with Let's say someone is in a relationship and, okay, audience, as I ask the end of this question, this isn't for you to use it against yourself.
[00:22:29] It's not for you to say, oh, I should have done this or I should have done that, okay? This is just for people that are in a relationship or considering a relationship with someone who struggles with, addiction or alcoholism. What is the ideal scenario where that person, is free from addiction or is able to have control over their impulses?
[00:22:56] Is there a way that we can help support this person or that we can experience any sort of breakthrough or recovery for them? What does that process typically look like?
[00:23:08] Deanna Marie: You know what?
Supporting an Addict Without Losing Yourself
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[00:23:09] Deanna Marie: And that's a fantastic question because I think so many of us get caught up in I want to help them. I want to help them, because by helping them it'll make our life better and
[00:23:23] you cannot, you should not drag them to their recovery. They need to want to do it. It's called really like detaching with love. And when, some people when I say that to some of my clients are like, that sounds so cold. It's not cold at all. What it is, if I can be clear about it, and maybe you've had these conversations with your own clients, Emily, is just loving that person for who they are and letting them be them.
[00:23:57] And that's the detachment and you, but you still love them. Like you love this person. You will support them but you can not be the person who drags them through it. They have autonomy over their own life in action. So support them, encourage them from love and not, because if he does this, if he does this, then our life will be better because that's not gonna work.
[00:24:29] It's just not gonna work. You can't will him or her toward recovery. And in the meantime, for yourself. Get support for you. Get help for you. And that's one of the things. Emily, that I really, why I got into this business. And it's because when I was looking for help 20 years ago, like I said, I was in my thirties, it was so many of the articles that you Google would come up is like, how to, how to support your husband during your recovery, how to do this, how to get them into rehab, how to have a, Oh God, a I can't even say it.
[00:25:12] An intervention. Thank you. How to have an intervention, it's like everything and how to help them do the next thing. But there's like very little and what to do for you. The spouses and children and family members are collateral damage. Of people who suffer with addiction and there has to be more help for them.
[00:25:36] And yes, support your partner to get healthy because if they're healthy, then your family will be healthier. But in the meantime, you can only take care of yourself. So you need that support. Also, you need to be healthy. You need to be strong because even if they start on a great road to recovery, part of it is going to be slip ups.
[00:26:00] How are you going to manage it? How are you going to handle it? And you have to be healthy, not only for yourself, but for your family when you go to work, because that's what we do. That's what we do. So that's my offering is just love them, support them, encourage them. Don't drag them and take care of yourself.
[00:26:23] Emily: That's such a really great point. As you were talking about, we want to help encourage, but we can't fix it. We can't force them to do it. It reminds me a lot of when people say things to widows thinking like, oh, if I tell them, oh, just give it time and you'll feel better. That makes the widow feel better.
[00:26:45] Or if I say, just time heals all wounds or this person's in a better place or all of those things that as widows just drive us absolutely bonkers. Yeah. And that's person's mind. It's because they think that they can take away our pain, that they can somehow comfort us and make us feel better and they can fix it.
[00:27:07] Yeah. In that same way, we can't fix anyone else. We can't want it more than they do and be successful. And I've been very fortunate that I haven't been in a familial or romantic relationship where someone struggled with addiction. But I have had people that I've worked with, people on my team in the corporate world that struggle with this and it's heartbreaking.
[00:27:36] Just. So heartbreaking to want someone to succeed more than they want it and to have to live in surrender to say, I can't force them to be successful. I can't force them to any sort of recovery. And so I have to stand back and let them take the actions that they're going to take.
[00:27:59] It's hard. I can't even fathom that being a, an intimate relationship would be so much more difficult.
[00:28:07] Deanna Marie: Yeah, it is so hard because We do want it so much and for our own reasons to write again is going back to we see the good we have a family we had dreams together, but it's really, it, we just have to let them have their own journey.
[00:28:27] And in the meantime, we need to get the support for us to make the best decisions for us with or without this person in our lives.
[00:28:41] Emily: Yeah.
Deanna's Contact Information and Closing Remarks
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[00:28:41] Emily: Thank you so much for sharing all of these insights and parts of your story with the audience. If they want to learn more about you or about your process or if they need help, what's the best way for people to find you and to connect with you?
[00:29:00] Deanna Marie: The best way is you can go to my website, which is just deanna marie life coaching.com. That's D-E-A-N-N-A, two ns marie life coaching.com. And I make it pretty easy on Instagram at Deanna Marie Life Coaching, and also on Facebook at Deanna Marie live coaching. If anybody has any questions or they need any support, it's just feel free.
[00:29:27] To reach out to me on either one of those messaging. I always get back to anybody who reaches out to me if this sounds like something that you may be struggling in or you have more questions. So those are the best ways.
[00:29:41] Emily: Awesome. And I'll put make sure the links to all of those sites are in the show notes.
[00:29:48] So for anyone listening, you will have access to those if you need to go back at a later time. But Deanna, thank you so much for coming on and sharing with us today.
[00:29:59] Deanna Marie: Thank you so much for having me Emily. I appreciate it.
[00:30:02] Emily: Are you a widow who feels disconnected? Do you feel like you're stuck or even going backwards in your grief? Widowhood can be lonely and isolating, but it doesn't have to be. Join us in the Brave Widow membership community and connect. We teach widows how to find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future.
