BW 004: Live with Confidence Regardless of What Others Say - with Brittany Weinke-Newton

Below you'll find the transcript for the show.  You can watch the video CLICK HERE or listen to the podcast HERE.

Widowed at the incredibly young age of 26, Brittany Weinke-Newton shares her experience with:

• The legal challenges of being engaged and limited ability to make decisions
• Strained family relationships How to truly help widows
• Timing and perceptions of moving on
• Society’s expectations and criticism from others
• Finding love post loss
• Introducing a new partner to your children

In spite of the traumatic loss of her fiance, Brittany lived life post loss courageously and prioritized her needs.

 Transcript:

Brave Widow Show 004 - Brittany Weinke-Newton
===

[00:00:00] Emily Jones: Welcome to the Brave Widow Podcast. I'm your host, Emily Jones. We help young widows heal their heart, find hope, and dream again for the future. All right, let's get started.

All right. Hey everybody. Thanks for, tuning in today. We have a special guest, Brittany Weinke- Newton, and Brittany was widowed at the incredibly young age of 26 and was really left with a plethora of grief and is working towards her new and unexpected future.

Hi Brittany. Welcome. I'm so glad to have you on today.

[00:00:46] Brittany Weinke-Newton: Hey Emily. Thanks for having me.

[00:00:49] Emily Jones: Definitely. Brittany, maybe tell us a little bit about your, relationship, and kinda how your life looked before you were together with your partner and had that horrible loss.

[00:01:02] Brittany Weinke-Newton: Sure. Actually I had did said no to guys anymore cuz I had just been through my fair share of duds and went out one night with my brother and sister-in-law just to get out of the house and, met this incredible guy. I didn't give him the time of day because I thought he was way outta my league. Completely gorgeous. Went about my night, doing stupid things, young and dumb. The next day he actually reached out to me, and wanted to set up a date and I lived in Green Bay at the time and he was, living three hours away from that.

So he drove all the way to Green Bay for our first date and it was just inseparable from there. He traveled back and forth every single day. He, went to work, then he would come to Green Bay and he'd wake up at 4:00 AM and drive back to work. And, our relationship was instant, love at first sight type thing.

And after six months we were engaged. As a result of our engagement, I got pregnant, and within a year, we, had our baby girl, Emma, and then, we decided to move closer to his hometown, which was actually originally my hometown. So we had all of our family there, which was great. He worked for pos, tire service company, any, so just like any other day, he went to work.

I got, I'm a nurse, so I was working in the ER and I had just finished my shift. I was grocery shopping with my kids and got a phone call from my boss saying, Hey, we really need you to come in. We've got something to tell you. We can't do this over the phone. And I was like, Oh God, what did I do?

What did I mess up at work? One thing that stood out to me was they. We need you to bring a support person with you. When you come, do not come alone. Do you have anyone that you can bring? And I thought, I don't know, Cody's working. I can try to call my mom. And I had both of my kids with me, so I knew it wasn't about my kids.

And so I got on the phone and I called Cody, my fiance. Straight to voicemail and I thought, oh God, don't let this be it. Don't let this be it. He can be hurt, he can be anything. Just don't let this be it. So I called my mom afterwards and told her, I was like, You need to be there. They won't tell me what's going on until I get there.

And I come up and there's a police officer waiting outside of the emergency room for me. And the only thing that I can remember, them saying is he's deceased, and those words haunt me every day. So what had happened is he was mounting a very large, like tractor tire, semi tire, and the rim itself separated from the tire while he was rolling it away, and it exploded it and impaled him and killed him on impact. So it was a completely freak accident. Nothing that he did wrong, he, the whole procedure was done correctly. Just happened.

[00:04:15] Emily Jones: So I can't even imagine. Trying to put myself in that situation where you already have kind of that nagging feeling in the back of your mind.

Something's wrong, this isn't good. And then it almost seems like it was just a very abrasive, here it is. He's deceased. Yeah. , what? What was just like going through your mind? What emotions were you feeling like just it's really hard to imagine what it would be like to be in that moment?

[00:04:44] Brittany Weinke-Newton: Honestly, it was just straight shock. I couldn't even cry. I was just stunned shaking, just standing there. And my mom was there with me and she's What? No. What do you mean? And I had no words, I didn't know. What to say or what to do and the officer went on and he said, we're going, to all his family's doors now to, give the news.

The unfortunate part about it was he worked with his brother, so his brother was there and the one that had found him after it happened. So from there, My mom drove me back to her house and immediately called my sister-in-law, who's my best friend, and was like, You need to leave work. You have to come here.

I don't know how to help her. Cuz my mom's not like very emotional. So I just remember laying on the couch and thinking, Okay, what do I have to do next? I have to figure out what I'm gonna do with my children. There's no way in hell I'm gonna be able to parent tonight or in the near future. I had my sister call, my oldest daughter's dad and say, You need to come pick up Adeline.

He came and got her, which I was thankful for. My parents took, my younger daughter and I literally laid on the couch for what seemed like hours, just not talking, not crying, nothing. I didn't- didn't know how to feel until finally I said, I just need to go home. And, so I left. I took, my baby and we just went home and I did the same thing.

We got home and I went through the motions of, feeding and cleaning up my child and getting her to bed, and I just sat and stared at a wall.

[00:06:36] Emily Jones: So what were the next, few days, few weeks, did you maybe feel like you were going through the motions of just kind of survival mode? How were things with your family support or even your social circle, what did that look like?

[00:06:52] Brittany Weinke-Newton: The, I would say the week following the passing was the worst and also the easiest because that's when everyone's checking in on you and making sure, you're okay and asking what they can do.

But at the same time, you have all these things that you have to take care of, so your mind is occupied. We weren't, officially married yet. He was still my fiance. So there was decisions that I had to make and other decisions that I couldn't make because legally I didn't have that opportunity.

Going through all the funeral home things, I was able to, pick out the cremation box and pick out the quotes for the pamphlets and things like that. But quickly it turned into, how am I going to do the legal aspect of this? I had to hire lawyers so I could become his estate and because we have a shared daughter together, any kind of claims or anything that would come from this would go directly to her.

But someone had to manage that and there was no way I was gonna let anyone else do that aside from me. So I had to hire my own lawyers to become the estate of Cody and our daughter and manage everything. It was a lot and I'm over a year out and still working on that process. So it hasn't gotten easier as far as family support.

My family has been very supportive. Cody had a bit of a strange relationship with his side of the family, which became even more strained after his passing. I believe that they looked for someone to blame and people say and do a lot of hurtful things in grief, and, came to a point where I had to make it known that I have boundaries for myself and for my family. And those would be respected. And if they wanted to be involved, they needed to make the effort, otherwise they would not be welcome in our lives.

[00:09:00] Emily Jones: So when you say that, the relationship with his family became more strained, was it... tell me a little bit more about what that looked like.

[00:09:08] Brittany Weinke-Newton: The biggest problem I had was his, brother actually. I don't think it was even a month after his passing, I had received a text message and said, I can't wait to come and get all my brother's things from your house. And I was like, Excuse me. Everything in our house that we have bought together belongs to us, me, my children.

There's nothing in here that you are going to come take. He didn't like that answer because all of those things that he had and brought into our home, he had previous to, our relationship, that doesn't matter to me. Those are all things that are in our house and when, and if I, feel like going through his belongings, I will give you, whatever.

We do not want to. But there are certain things, in the house that I would like to keep for my sake. And my children would also like, my children are young and the only thing that they are going to have to remember their father is these tangible items. So I'm going to keep everything until they're 18 or whatever age that they decide if they want it or don't want it.

And then it can be yours, but that's my choice.

[00:10:23] Emily Jones: And did that just drive a wedge in the relationship, or do you think he was understanding of that? Or how did that hap--- work out?

[00:10:32] Brittany Weinke-Newton: That it definitely drove a wedge into the relationship; I have not spoken to them in, I don't know, a year, I would say.

And now, and I think a lot of it has to do with that situation. His mother and his grandmother are very good at touching base and seeing how we are, they like to come visit the children. His father, is kind in the same boat as his brother. Doesn't reach out much. Recently we have rekindled a little bit after I had to have that conversation about.

And it's not to say that I don't want them involved. I would love for them to be involved, but there are boundaries and stipulations that will be followed.

[00:11:14] Emily Jones: Okay, any advice that you would have for people that, maybe they're still in those first early days and they're trying to figure out, everybody has such a different experience.

Maybe the other family is very accepting and it brings 'em closer together, or in other situations it just drives them further away and sometimes, the kids get caught in the middle. Is there anything that you would tell people?

Who are in a similar situation maybe that you wish you had known, or maybe if you could have done something different, or even if the family could have done something different, that would've just helped bring everyone together in those first, few weeks and months especially.

[00:11:56] Brittany Weinke-Newton: I think the family aspect. It's so easy in that first couple weeks for family to check in and the meal trains and all those helpful things that they're trying to do. But it is quickly lost and understandably, everybody has their own lives to get back to. But I had a really hard time asking for help.

I haven't ever been okay with asking how, but even prior to this incident, and even afterwards, I didn't even know what I needed. When people would ask me, What can we do? Or how can we help? I had no idea. Now, months later, I look back at it and I'm like, You know what I needed someone not to ask me that.

I needed someone to just come to my house and just clean my house. For me, I needed someone to just come. Not ask me if they could take the kids out, just come and take the kids. So I could just shower without interruption. I could take a nap. I could stare at a wall if I wanted to. I would never be that person to ask, Can you take my kids just so I can sit and cry?

No, I just needed someone to do that for me. So my advice to people's families in this situation. Just do those things, those little things that you do every day, cleaning your house, cooking a home cooked meal, taking the kids out. Just go do that for your loved one because they're not gonna ask you, and that's what they really need.

[00:13:23] Emily Jones: Yeah, that's such a great point. And. When we lose someone, it creates this really awkward dynamic because you have people that wanna help and it makes them feel good to help, to know that they were able to help you, but they don't know how. And so you end up with the flowers and the plants and food, and sometimes food and containers that people want back , which is...

not always good to be burdened with. And to your point, so many of us are very bad at accepting help and most definitely would never actually ask for help. We might hire someone to do something if we can, but to ask someone to inconvenience themselves, maybe it's culturally, how we're raised or something, but it is very difficult and I ended up putting a checklist together to help people.

I think too, when you're grieving, you're in, your brain is in this fog and you're just not thinking clearly. For me, I felt so overwhelmed and I would have to write everything down. I would forget why I was going from one room to the next. And so to think about even just writing a list of everything I knew needed to happen with the bills and the house and just chores, abnormal things that happened, felt really overwhelming.

So you get in this awkward situation where people are like, Oh, we wanna help. If you need anything, I'm here. And we say, Oh, okay, thank you. I'll let you know . And it just, the dots never get connected. So I would like for us to figure out, even culturally, how can we help educate and empower support groups of people even who are grieving to.

Look, here's a list of things that most people need done. Just to your point don't say even, Would you like me to do this? Say, Hey, I would like to do this for you. Would you rather me do it on this day or this day? Or is there another day?

Almost force your help on someone. Obviously be being thoughtful in the meantime, but I think that, it's just such a awkward, tricky situation to be in.

[00:15:31] Brittany Weinke-Newton: It is, Yeah. And the forgetfulness that widow brain is real walking from one room and you're like, What? What did I need? What was I doing? I have no idea. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:15:42] Emily Jones: One thing I wanted to ask you, because so many people and what we see in some of the online groups is people frequently wanna know, does it ever get better?

Do you ever move on? Will I feel like this forever? Am I always gonna just be drowning in grief? What would you say to people? I don't think we flip a switch and say, Oh, we're done with grief. Now we can move on to the next thing.

From your personal experience, when did you start to feel like you weren't just a hollow shell or that you were starting to move into kind of your new version of life and functioning even at a decent level?

[00:16:21] Brittany Weinke-Newton: Yeah, I don't really like the term moving on because I don't think any of us ever really move on. There's never a point where you don't remember your loved one or things don't come up that remind you of them. That I think it was about my six month mark when I really realized that I couldn't keep going on the way I was going.

There were so many nights where I didn't sleep and I, was crying. There was points where I was calling my dad in the middle of the night because I didn't wanna do this anymore, and I didn't know what that meant, but he was there.

When I let myself actually feel the feelings. That's when I realized that I could move in a way, move on and get better because I'm not one to sit and be stagnant and wallow, and just be sad all the time.

I wanna keep moving. And, for me, at such a young age of 26, I knew that I had my whole life ahead of me, yet that I couldn't just be this widow for the rest of my life I wasn't going to let that define me. I started , going into, the dating scene even, because I knew I didn't wanna be alone and not that I couldn't be alone, I just didn't want to.

And for some people, That's way too soon. And that's fine for you. But I am not gonna let society tell me when my grieving process should be over or when I should move on because my grieving process is never going to be over.

I started dating after six months of, losing Cody, and I went through a period of should I really be doing this? This makes me look like I'm not... in society's eyes this makes me look like I'm not sad or I'm not grieving, But which wasn't true because on the inside I felt every emotion ever, but I knew that I still wanted that love and that connection in my life as well.

So I actually dated one guy had an instant connection and we both knew that what we wanted, life was too short to, confide to society standards of dating for so long. So we just got married, we just did it.

[00:18:58] Emily Jones: Wow.

[00:18:59] Brittany Weinke-Newton: Yeah.

[00:19:00] Emily Jones: That's awesome. So I have to know what, there's always gonna be people out there with their opinion, but the people maybe who knew you best or cared about you? Did you let them know that you were dating and have a conversation with them, or did you keep it to yourself, initially, at first?

How was that experience?

[00:19:20] Brittany Weinke-Newton: Initially I kept it a little bit to myself. My, immediate family knew like that I wanted to go out and do this.

His side of the family, I felt like that might be too much for them to handle. So I let that be, until I became serious with my, current husband and let them know this is what's happening. I'm happy with this and whether you approve or not, this is what it is. So I just want you to know so you don't find out from social media or other people.

But I'm happy and I'm, going to live my life the way I want.

[00:19:55] Emily Jones: And did you feel like you had immediate support or did it take a while for people to come around? Or how did that go?

[00:20:03] Brittany Weinke-Newton: I was actually really surprised at the immediate support even, from his family. They, said This isn't what we wanted, but of course we can't change that and we want you to be happy.

So if this makes you happy, then great. And, my family was super supportive as well. They knew that I found someone great that was willing to, deal with, that's probably not a good word, but deal with my grief with me. And he's super supportive. Incorporates Cody into our everyday life.

Would never try to take the place of my daughter's father, but will be that father figure for her because she deserves it.

[00:20:38] Emily Jones: Congratulations.

That's just. Amazing and exciting that you found someone that you really connect with and wants to be a part of your life and still gives you that space to honor the person that you had, with Cody and the relationship that you guys had together.

I think a lot of times people have a hard time understanding, how can you even think about dating someone else or love someone else, if you truly loved the person that you were with. It's almost like they think it's an either or.

How would you explain it maybe to someone who's never gone through that to say, how is it possible even to love two people or to not have completely closed the door on the past and still want to embrace someone new?

What does that feel like?

[00:21:28] Brittany Weinke-Newton: I use the analogy of having more children. So when you have that first baby, you think, How could I ever love anything more than this? How could I love another child more than this? And then you have that second child and you love them just the same, right? It's the same thing when you find that soulmate, because everyone has more than one soulmate.

Could be a partner, could be a best friend. You fall in love with them instantly, and it doesn't mean that you love that other person any less because I love and adore Cody with everything that I have, but I also love and adore my husband with everything I have as well. There is so much room in our hearts for love that you can't discount anyone just because you lost someone.

[00:22:20] Emily Jones: A really beautiful way of putting it. And I agree. I've heard someone even say, it's almost like adding a room onto your house. It's not like you changed anything with the core of what's there. You're just expanding and making room for something more.

Is there anything that you would tell people as they're thinking about if they're, they feel like they're ready to date or not, if they feel like, I'm not sure; can I be with someone and not feel guilty about feeling like I'm still married?

Did you have any of those kind of thoughts and was there anything that just brought you, confirmation like, Yep, I feel good about moving forward and this is the right time for me?

[00:23:02] Brittany Weinke-Newton: I think I let my fear of society standards and, judgment from family and friends step in the way too much.

I knew that it was quote unquote early for me to move on after five, six months. But I knew I was ready. I just knew that everyone around me was gonna have that judgment. And we can't let other people determine our lives. Our, this is, I live life on my terms, not your terms, society's terms.

Time does not exist for me just because someone else takes five years to, start dating again. And I took six months, doesn't mean I'm grieving any less or I love my, significant other any less. Just means that I'm okay with where I am in life to do that. So I wouldn't let someone else's ideas or judgements, skew what you're gonna do with the rest of your life.

[00:24:06] Emily Jones: Yeah.

And how brave of you, just to be willing to say, I know that I'm going to be judged for this. People are gonna have their opinions, they're gonna say things, but ultimately I'm confident enough in knowing this is what I want. I can handle it, It's the right time for me, and I'm not worried about that.

That's just, that's awesome. And I think hopefully we'll help inspire some other people. What about integrating your husband, your now husband with your kids. Was there anything, any tips or anything that you would share for introducing a new person into the picture and how everybody's integrated together?

[00:24:52] Brittany Weinke-Newton: Yeah. We waited, a couple months before introducing, each other to our kids, just to make sure that we were gonna be serious. We knew that we didn't want to bring someone into their lives that wasn't going to stay. That would be even more trauma for our children. Once we realized that this is, yep, this is what we wanna do, we wanna be together, we integrated our families.

And never once did we force, our children to call the other parent dad or mom, but my children naturally started calling him dad because he was that father figure in the house. He was there doing everything, that a normal father would do, and his children the same. Started calling me mom because I was that mother figure for them as well.

But we always gave them that choice. So my advice would be the slow introductions and always giving them the choice and letting them speak for themselves. If they're uncomfortable with the situation, they're gonna let you know. And if they're too young to speak, their body language is gonna let you know.

[00:25:58] Emily Jones: Awesome.

Thank you so much for being willing to share your story, and I know it will help encourage and resonate with people who have gone through something similar. I guess the last question I would ask is, Being widowed so young, that's typically not our norm. I think the average age right now is, 59.

Did you notice that people around you started to drift away or maybe people got uncomfortable being around you or weren't really sure? You know how to act with you because we think of people in their twenties and sometimes they've never been married and they're outliving a totally different life.

But, any suggestions there for keeping strong relationships as you notice those changes or maybe you've even changed some of your social circle and who you have around you supporting you? Any thoughts there?

[00:26:51] Brittany Weinke-Newton: Yeah, I think that's really difficult and a lot of it stems from not understanding and not knowing what to say unless you've been in this type of situation where you've had such a great loss, you don't understand the other person's perspective.

I did lose some connections in that way because people didn't feel comfortable coming to me. People stopped asking if I wanted to go do things even because. They knew I was sad. In fact, it should have been the opposite where they should have asked, and even if I declined, I had that opportunity to get out of the house and put my fake face on and have a little fun.

It's really difficult to talk to people about this situation. Not always do we need to talk about it itself, but you can still check in and have that small talk or talk about something completely different. People don't reach out because they don't know what to say. Don't just forget about the incident that happened and think about what you used to talk about before this all happened.

So don't forget who they were because they've already lost themselves so much. Keep that going.

[00:28:10] Emily Jones: Yeah, I agree. I definitely, try to encourage support groups and families, like sometimes just don't look at our actions, people will say they don't want help or don't need help or, people may con consistently turn down invitations to do things, but like you said, it's...

first of all, you're given the choice to say yes or no, but then it just reaffirms that someone's thinking about you. Someone cares about you, they wanna be around you, and the invitation and the door is always there whenever you're ready to go through it. So it was a really great way of putting it.

All right, Brittany. Any last things that you would leave with the, listeners and the viewers of the podcast for today?

[00:28:53] Brittany Weinke-Newton: Just be kind and don't be so judgmental. Let people live their lives.

Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting through the next steps in your journey? Organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions?

The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need. Inside, you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you.

Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible.

Head on over to bravewidow.com to learn more.