BW 038: Expectations Widows Experience During the Grieving Process
Jul 04, 2023Watch the video here or on YouTube; listen anywhere podcasts are played (Apple, Spotify, Google…)
The Transcript is below.
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In episode 38 of the Brave Widow Show we are talking about freedom from expectations that people have of us during the grieving process and some things that you can do to lighten the burden of those expectations and maybe even understand why people have certain expectations.
As we think about grief and the healing journey, there's a lot of mixed messages and communication around expectations. If you were to ask someone, well, how long should I grieve? How long should I mourn? How long should this go on? On one hand, you might get a very concrete answer like you should grieve for a year or two years. But on the other hand, you'll hear people and grievers say, it never goes away.
Grief is a very complex thing because we are humans. Our lives are complex. We have all different timelines.
So we are going to chat about seven different expectations that we experience as we're moving through grief and, my thoughts on them, how I think they apply, and maybe some things that you can do to free yourself from these expectations that people may have.
Resources Mentioned:
Episdoe 031 : A Letter to my Friends
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The Brave Widow Community is a place where you can connect with other widows, find hope and healing, and begin to dream again for the future. Learn more at bravewidow.com.
Hey guys, I’m Emily Jones
I was widowed at age 37, one month shy of our 20 year wedding anniversary. Nathan and I have four beautiful children together. My world was turned completely upside down when I lost him. With faith, community, and wisdom from others, I’ve been able to find hope, joy, and dream again for the future. I want to help others do the same, too!
FOLLOW me on SOCIAL:
Twitter | @brave_widow
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YouTube | @bravewidow
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Transcription:
Emily Jones: Hey. Welcome to episode number 38 of The Brave Widow Show Today. This episode is going to air on July 4th, and for those of us in the US, July 4th is independent day, it's all about freedom. Sorry to my UK listeners, but it's a big holiday and celebration here, all about freedom and Enjoying time with family and friends.
Emily Jones: So today we're gonna talk about freedom from expectations that people have of us during the grieving process and some things that you can do to lighten the burden of those expectations and maybe even understand why people have certain expectations. So as we think about grief and the healing journey, there's a lot of just mixed messages and communication around expectations. So if you were to ask someone, well, how long should I grieve? How long should I mourn? How long should this go on? On one hand, you might get a very concrete [00:01:00] answer like you should grieve for a year or two years. But on the other hand, you'll hear people and grievers say, it never goes away.
Emily Jones: Which is kind of intimidating, especially if you're in your first year or two. You're thinking, oh gosh, I'm gonna feel like this forever. And the answer is no, especially if you do work to heal yourself. But at the same time, there is an element of truth that there is no finish line in grief. And until you've gone through that or until you've been very close to someone who's gone through that, it's really easy to understand why other people don't understand it or get it. I didn't understand it or get it until I went through it, until I really started learning from other people what to expect. So grief is a very complex thing because we are humans. Our lives are complex. We have all different timelines. Someone may have brain fog for six months.
Emily Jones: Someone may have brain fog for two or three years, or feel like they're never fully out of it. Some people had [00:02:00] traumatic experiences. We've talked to widows here on the show, drug overdose suicides, someone who had a terminal illness that was just brutal in supporting them over that period of time. All kinds of different experiences that the experience of losing their spouse itself may have been traumatic, but they also may have had some past traumas and experiences of their own that maybe were never really healed or maybe now have resurfaced.
Emily Jones: So the loss of a spouse or a really close loved one and partner can reopen some of the things that have happened in the past. So because of all these complexities, that's why. In many cases, there's not a number one, because of our complexities as human beings, there's not a definitive timeline for how long this thing lasts and what the expectations are.
Emily Jones: And number two, because it isn't something that has a finish line. And I think I even had that misconception at first when I lost Nathan. I [00:03:00] bought all the books and checked all the boxes on the list and did all the things and signed up for counseling and found a community of widows and did all the things you're supposed to do, thinking that I'm gonna move through this process really fast.
Emily Jones: Like just speed racer lightning McQueen, get through this grief super fast, and unfortunately, there is no great finish line that we can cross that says, I'm done. I'm perfect, I'm healed. I'm done. Now, I do think that because of the work that I've done and the work that other widows I know have done that, it has helped bring me out of that very volatile, desperate pit of despair, feeling.
Emily Jones: That I didn't know I was gonna be able to get out of. I do feel like I've been able to move through some of that maybe quicker than I would have without doing it. But if. I know that doing some of those things really helped me in my journey. So today I'm gonna talk to you about seven different expectations that [00:04:00] we experience as we're moving through grief and, my thoughts on them, how I think they apply, and maybe some things that you can do to free yourself from these expectations that people may have.
Emily Jones: So, expectation number one is the expectation of endless mourning, right? There are people that think that widows should grieve indefinitely, and maybe you feel that way. Maybe you as a widow feel that you have to hold onto the pain and the suffering, and that you don't deserve to have joy in your life.
Emily Jones: You shouldn't go out and have a good time. You shouldn't, be laughing at things that you find funny. Like, how can you be laughing and enjoying life when your spouse is dead? And whether it's other people or ourselves, sometimes we get into this loop of expectation that we're supposed to grieve indefinitely and that the rest of our lives should just be miserable and we [00:05:00] should portray this eternal sadness.
Emily Jones: Sometimes people will say things like, how can you your husband just died six months ago. Didn't you love him? Like, how can you be out here, laughing or enjoying life or doing something fun? Shouldn't you just be shut up, basically shut up in your home like a hermit grieving. And the reality of what we know and what we've talked about on this show is grief is, and it's not, or.
Emily Jones: Grief is this embracing this concept that, yes, I can be happy and sad at the same time. I can love my late spouse and someone new at the same time. And that concept is something that people really struggle with until they've actually experienced it. And even sometimes people who do experience it, they struggle with wrapping their minds around how is this possible to feel two very different emotions at the same time.
Emily Jones: But that is very much a component of what happens in grief. Because of [00:06:00] some of these expectations that causes a lot of inner turmoil for those of us who are widowed, where we're afraid to try to go out and do something. I mean, for the most part, if you can get a widow to agree to go out and get out of the house.
Emily Jones: That's an amazing step in and of itself, especially in the beginning. So, just even thinking about it, kudos to you for being at that point if you're still really struggling. But to be able to not feel guilty once you're there or to not feel guilty after the fact, like I was having a good time.
Emily Jones: How is that possible? I should be, in my bed hiding under the covers, just sobbing. And that's just simply not the case.
Emily Jones: In grief, we're not meant to wallow and sorrow and sadness and depression, and it doesn't mean that we don't ever feel those things, that we don't ever feel sad that we don't ever embrace those emotions as they bubble up, but we can't live there. And I remember distinctly[00:07:00] having times where I would just feel such sadness. Or I would hear a song or I would smell Nathan's cologne, or I would see something that really reminded me of him, and all of these feelings of sadness would just bubble up inside. And I would sit there and embrace them in the moment and cry and just recall the love that we had for each other.
Emily Jones: But I remember in some of those moments making that conscious decision like, I can't live here. So I can honor what I feel and I can process those emotions that come up. But I refuse to live in that every single day because I know the outcome ultimately isn't helpful for me, for my family, for my own emotional and mental wellbeing.
Emily Jones: It's not helpful to continue to live there.
Emily Jones: All right, so what are some things that you can do to deal with this expectation of endless mourning? Well, a lot of things that I tell myself as I am thinking [00:08:00] about other people's opinions and expectations that they have in grief. Number one is people aren't educated. People, it's gonna sound mean, are just ignorant.
Emily Jones: They don't understand grief, they don't understand the loss of a loved one. They don't really know what it feels like. They just know what they've heard and what they've seen maybe on TV or in movies or what other people continue to tell them when they've experienced a lost, things like Be strong, shake it off.
Emily Jones: You'll find someone else. Things that are very unhelpful, but. For me, I just acknowledge, people, when they're giving these opinions, a lot of times they're just not educated. So it may not be malicious. It's probably well-meaning. I try not to take it personally because I just think to myself, they just don't know better.
Emily Jones: So the second piece of that is, You can decide whether or not to educate them. And to be quite honest, a lot of times I just wouldn't. I just, people make their comments or give opinions or whatever. If I felt like it, I would help educate or I would explain [00:09:00] maybe why what they're saying is not correct or why their opinion is not helpful to me.
Emily Jones: In other cases, I would just, As a courtesy, smile and nod or say thanks, or just ignore their comment altogether. It's really up to you and what you wanna do and how close you are to these people. If it's someone like your sibling and you see them, every Sunday for dinner and they're constantly making these comments, it's probably worth having the conversation of, let me help explain some things to you.
Emily Jones: Let me help provide some resources. Here on the Brave Widow Show. A few episodes back, we did an episode on a letter to my friends and family, what I wish people understood about being widowed. You can take some things from there. You can take some things from different articles you've read or things that you've learned and help to educate them because most likely it isn't something that they're doing to be malicious.
Emily Jones: And the third thing to keep in mind here is that sometimes people themselves are [00:10:00] hurting and grieving. So maybe you're talking to one of your late spouses friends or family members or someone that, that you may have not even thought they were close, like they were kind of distant, but for some reason they're just really grieving and struggling with that, and it's not for me or for us to say, Hey, I'm hurting more than you, or, I'm the one really grieving here, don't be giving me your opinion on this, but instead to realize that especially if people have other things they have not worked on, to heal within themselves, that this may be really difficult for them. So again, I kind of chalk it up to. They're probably just not educated.
Emily Jones: Maybe they're hurting, maybe they're, they don't understand and this is kind of their way of lashing out or making themselves feel better, or feel like they're somehow contributing to what they believe you should do. So you could either decide to educate them, have some of the tough conversations, or decide that, it's [00:11:00] not necessarily really worth the effort.
Emily Jones: All right. Expectation number two is, Assuming a specific role or identity. So essentially as we think about opinions that people have of us in their minds, right, we're this eternal grieving widow, and there are things we should do, we should go to the cemetery probably every day. Go to the cemetery every day.
Emily Jones: We should be wearing black. We shouldn't be having fun. And there may be roles that you've had in the past that people expect that you continue. And so here as we think about expectations that other people have or you have of yourself, one of the best recommendations I can give you is to redefine and reset boundaries.
Emily Jones: You may be somebody who has never set any boundaries before. Maybe you're kind of the doormat, the people pleaser, and do what everybody else wants to do. Well, this is your time. Okay. Look, I've spent a lot of my life [00:12:00] going above and beyond and doing everything I can to help other people feel welcome and seen and wanted, and cared for and appreciated, and I love serving.
Emily Jones: If I can talk, I love serving and helping other people, so it's not just. I feel that it's a higher calling for me to help and serve, and I get a genuine joy out of it. That being said, there were times especially. Especially that first year and even into the second year, and even still today, where I'm redefining and resetting boundaries.
Emily Jones: And it doesn't mean that I don't love my family, it doesn't mean that I don't love my friends. But I just started setting some boundaries and it would be things like, the first Thanksgiving we would typically host for my side of the family. And this was, for about four months. After Nathan had died and I just, in my mind, I couldn't even, first of all, for me to manage a whole Thanksgiving dinner when Nathan was the main cook, was a stretch of the [00:13:00] imagination.
Emily Jones: To think that I could coordinate it and pull it off well. And just make sure the house was clean and everything was right. I knew there was no way, so I just told my family I'm not gonna be able to host it this year. We need to find another place to do it. I may be able to join you, but I'm not gonna host it this year.
Emily Jones: And there are still times where I may choose not to host. I may choose not to attend things I may choose. Not to hop on the phone, right? If somebody calls, maybe I'll call them back later, but there are all kinds of boundaries and expectations that I consistently am adjusting and correcting that best support me, my family, and what I can do.
Emily Jones: It's not gonna help anyone. If I'm trying to host Thanksgiving and I am a crying mess, the food's not right, stuff's not coming out at the same time. Like, it'll just feel too chaotic. So having those boundaries is very helpful. And for me, this was something I wasn't, [00:14:00] I was really just starting to practice, whether it was at work or with family, was kind of setting some boundaries of what I was willing to do and not do. I still sacrificed. I still served. I still loved on people. I still did things that required effort, but I was not going to just give everything I had without having any breathing space and room for myself. So as you think about tackling this expectation, and if you've not been someone who's set a lot of boundaries, this can be a little intimidating.
Emily Jones: For me it was very liberating. Like after I lost Nathan, I almost got sort of an apathy towards things. And so it became easier, and I'm like, well, too bad if people get upset that I'm not gonna do this. I'm sorry. If someone really cares about me, if they're really my friend, if they're really my family member, they are going to try to understand, and they are going to be sympathetic to an extent to say, Hey, this isn't, Like Emily, maybe she's changed.
Emily Jones: Maybe she's [00:15:00] just going through a hard time. I'm gonna understand that I'm not gonna get my feathers ruffled because she has put this boundary in place. If you're putting in boundaries and you're mitigating expectations and the other person is digging in their heels and fighting and it's all about them, then do you really want to spend a lot of time with that person?
Emily Jones: Do you really want them in your life? Maybe not. That's for you to decide, but. Having the ability to recognize that and have those conversations is key. I remember even something as simple as, I would have friends that text me and message me on Facebook and, everybody is constantly asking, how are you doing?
Emily Jones: How are the kids doing? And you don't wanna copy and paste the same update all the time. And, for me, like I didn't really wanna get into, I, I give very vague, generic answers hoping that people just stop asking personally. But, there were a few friends that I didn't want to offend. I didn't wanna hurt, but at the same time, I had to let them know like I, I'm not gonna be the same friend that I was.
Emily Jones: And that was pretty much how I said it. Hey, I appreciate you. I love you. You're being so consistent and [00:16:00] reaching out for to me, and I really appreciate that. Please know that right now I cannot be the friend that I want or need to be to you. So you may text me, you may call, you may send messages. I see them.
Emily Jones: I appreciate them, but please don't get offended if I don't respond. I may just not have the mental energy, the emotional bandwidth. I may not remember. I may see it. Think what I'm gonna say back and just never respond. Please just be patient with me. And I just left it at that. And I, there are people still, I get have a friend in particular, she'll send me video messages that have mild threats in them about, I have to know, how are you, we need to talk, message me back.
Emily Jones: But, She's never hateful about it. And my goodness, it's been almost two years now and she's been so consistent and I just think, my goodness, people need more friends like that. People that they understand and they get it and they're gonna love you and they're gonna show up for you and, ugh. It's just a great feeling.
Emily Jones: So anyway, as [00:17:00] you're thinking about setting these expectations, and what should your boundaries be and what should they not be? Remember that you are almost reborn in a sense when you lose your spouse like a phoenix rising from the ashes and you may be refiguring out. Is that a word? I don't think so.
Emily Jones: You may be refiguring out who you are. What do you like doing? What do you not like doing? What do you really see for your future? And so it's okay to be figuring those things out and to move your boundaries around. And maybe you said like, I did okay. This year I'm not hosting Thanksgiving. Well, by the next year, I felt much more on top of things and more capable and wanting to do it.
Emily Jones: So, I went back to hosting it. You can adjust those things over time. This isn't, carved in stone never to be changed again. So give yourself grace and remember that you're still trying to figure out who you are in this next chapter and what that looks like.
Emily Jones: All right. Expectation number three is pressure to [00:18:00] move on or find a new partner.
Emily Jones: Now, this is almost contradictory to the first one, which is that you're gonna be an eternal griever. And woo, this one with a new partner. This is so fascinating to me because you can be talking about the same person who's grieving and people around them who know them. One person will say, oh, your spouse wouldn't want you to be sad.
Emily Jones: You need to find somebody new. Like, you need to move on. And another person will say, how could you ever, if you loved your person, how could you ever love anyone again, like just polar opposites. And this expectation is also interesting to me because as a society, especially in the us, a lot of times we think that we are incomplete if we're a grown adult without a partner without a spouse. I mean, think how often as kids mature into young adults and they're, 18 or they're in their twenties or thirties. There's those constant questions incessantly, right? You have a boyfriend, you have a girlfriend. When are you getting married? When are you having kids like.
Emily Jones: [00:19:00] Our minds were kind of incomplete unless we have a couple together. So sometimes there's this pressure to find someone new. And I've noticed the further that I get out from when Nathan died, more people are frequently asking like, are you dating anyone? Are you seeing anyone? Are here, there's somebody I know over here.
Emily Jones: And I love that for people cuz hey eventually, yes, I would love to find someone, but I don't feel like I'm an incomplete person, and if that never happens or I choose for it not to happen, then I right now am focused on building a life that I'm gonna be happy with. With my family the way that it is and the way that it will continue to change over time.
Emily Jones: My happiness is not contingent on finding a new partner, but sometimes we have to deal with these expectations from other people. And I think sometimes this really happens a lot with maybe younger widows. So people in their twenties and [00:20:00] thirties, people will tend to say, oh, you're so young you'll find someone else.
Emily Jones: Or your kids really need a dad in their life. Yes, that would be nice, but it's not necessarily, an incomplete family without that person, and certainly something that people need to decide in their own time. One of the mistakes that I made and I see other people make is after you lose your spouse, obviously you feel.
Emily Jones: It was an excruciating pain, a sense of loneliness. I mean, I was married to Nathan right at 20 years. That was longer than I had been alive and not married to Nathan at the time. So a big piece of my identity and a big piece of my life has been as a wife, especially the years of my life. I remember so.
Emily Jones: Even though I missed Nathan and I loved him, and it was hard to imagine loving anyone else, it also felt super strange not being married and I missed that. I missed having a best friend to do life with. I missed being a wife. I missed, doing [00:21:00] nice little things for that person and vice versa. And so I wanted to date or see, talk to other people just to even feel that loneliness and empty companionship, piece that I felt like was missing. And a lot of what I see widows doing is the same. They date really early on or they'll date because they're lonely, because they're missing their spouse. And, I think there's a bigger risk and a danger in that. And what I hear and see from people is they ignore a lot of red flags.
Emily Jones: And I also feel that I tried to talk to people and, entertain dating people that otherwise I really wouldn't have. Plus, I'm trying to figure out who I am now as an individual and a person and what really that needs to look like. So, as you're considering. Dating again or finding a new relationship.
Emily Jones: Take the time to grieve and heal at your own pace and think about the point in your [00:22:00] journey where you want someone who just, you have a good outlook of who you are. On your own as a person and where you're going in life, and so you would like to add someone to that, just to exponentially make life better, more enjoyable, and to create that future together.
Emily Jones: That is a good time to look at dating and entertaining relationships. Maybe not when you're still wallowing and lonely and grieving. Dating can sometimes be a distraction, but that's a whole other podcast episode. Dating can actually distract us from healing in our grief and delaying the time it takes us as we move through some of those more volatile stages.
Emily Jones: So anyway, that's not for today.
Emily Jones: All right, expectation number four, financial and practical expectations. So, when our spouse died, We took on all these new responsibilities, things that maybe we never did before, we didn't understand, maybe we didn't have passwords to, I always think about that zero [00:23:00] turn lawnmower because I live on a lot of acreage and it takes a lot of hours to mow with that thing, and I'd never used it before, and that was super frustrating.
Emily Jones: So you have this very compounding effect of I've taken on all these new responsibilities. I am trying to learn how to do them in a lot of cases or to figure things out. Plus I have brain fog and I can't think real clearly anyway, so it's taking me three to four times to learn something as it normally should, and I may have to repetitively watch that YouTube video over and over because it's just not sinking in.
Emily Jones: And I remember that being one of the most frustrating things was having to rewatch something because I just could not remember what was being said or in what order they were doing things, or just felt like I was slogging through this fog. It was horrible. So, Those are some of the challenges that we have and expectations around just being able to pick up all the pieces on our own.
Emily Jones: So some of the things that you can do are be willing to ask for help now. [00:24:00] Yes, I'm talking to you. Ask for help. This is something, Ugh, it's really hard to get a widow to accept help. It's super hard to get them to ask for help. So if this is you, if you're struggling or if you need ideas for asking for help, then on the website, go to brave widow.com/free.
Emily Jones: F R E e. There are some resources there just for you. There is a nice checklist of things that most commonly widows want and need help with. It's like four pages long, and what you can do is just go through that list to get ideas of what you could ask people for. You could check the things that you want help with and send it out, or ask someone to send it out for you and coordinate help.
Emily Jones: You could give someone a list and say, Hey, would you check off the things that you would be willing to do that you wouldn't mind doing, but you'd be happy to do to help me out? You could also hire some help. So if you can afford it, then I definitely recommend things like house [00:25:00] cleaning, even if it's just bathrooms sweeping, mopping, dusting some of the more deep cleaning things.
Emily Jones: Even if you can just 30 minutes, an hour a week or even once a month just to get, like, get in there and scrub those corners. Anything like that you can afford to hire out help for, I would, unless you just really enjoy doing those types of things. And then you can also join a support group and a strong community of other people who also may be able to help with some of those things.
Emily Jones: Maybe you've never created a budget before. Maybe you've never used a lawn mower before, but usually by joining these support groups and just putting out that you want or need help with some of these things, you'll be really surprised how people will show up for you.
Emily Jones: All right. Expectation number five is the.
Emily Jones: Are the emotional and societal expectations that people have. And this book, my goodness, I love to recommend it. It's a grief recovery method. [00:26:00] And I actually just went through the certification program, which was amazing. So we'll be able to help host some sessions soon. And one of the things I loved about the book and the reason, one of the reasons why I wanted to go through the program was because it really illustrated.
Emily Jones: Why we don't get a lot of support through grief. And what I mean by that is why culturally we don't understand how to process loss and grief and how ultimately that impacts us. So when we talk about emotional and societal expectations, it's those phrases we hear from people like, oh, you're so strong, you're gonna be fine.
Emily Jones: Or You have to be strong for the kids. You have to hold it together and. What we hear echoing in our mind is, I don't wanna be strong right now. I just wanted someone to tell me, you know what, Emily, for the next five minutes, don't worry about being strong. Just let it out. Just cry. Just be vulnerable, just feel the weight of the world on your shoulders because that was what it felt like. [00:27:00] And I'm just gonna sit here with you and I'm gonna listen and I may not understand. It sucks and I'm gonna sit in the suck with you. That's really all I wanted people to say, and I was very blessed. There were a few people that did that for me, but for some people, they don't have anyone that says that.
Emily Jones: They say things to soothe, it's gonna be okay. He's in a better place. He wanted to go. We say things that we think helps the other person feel better without realizing that you're agitating. The emotions they already have. So these are things really that we have to deal with. And again, this is one that I just, I think about, well, people just aren't educated.
Emily Jones: It's not anything malicious. They just, they don't know what they're saying. They don't know what they're doing. Like Jesus, prayed before he died. Forgive them father, for they know not what they do. It's that same mindset of, bless their hearts, they don't know what they're saying and doing.
Emily Jones: It's not that they're being malicious, but because we know the [00:28:00] pain and we know it's not helpful, it's hard to not be aggravated or frustrated when those things happen. So, number one, just remember people just don't know. Number two, decide if it's fine. You're just gonna nod and say thank you or, okay.
Emily Jones: Or if you wanna take the effort to have that conversation to help educate them or to point them in the right direction of resources. And then number three, finding a good support group and community is life changing. And I don't just say that because we have the Brave Widow community, which by the way, I'm doing a shameless plug for You should totally join.
Emily Jones: We have some amazing people as part of that, but whether it's there or whether it's a local group or another online group or Facebook groups, I joined a whole bunch of Facebook groups in the beginning. Having a community of people who get you, who get the challenges of grief and the frustrations, who can validate how you're feeling.
Emily Jones: Who realize that this journey is different for everyone. So there are no expectations of, well, [00:29:00] by month six you should be here. By year one, you should be here. People that just get it, even though they may not have been in your exact position, that is very validating and very healing in itself. So, I highly recommend that.
Emily Jones: Expectation number six is coping with expectations from family and friends.
Emily Jones: And this really goes back to setting boundaries and communicating expectations to your family and friends. And this one's a little harder because you have family and friends that you're close to, and then you have others that you don't ever wanna be close to, and then you have some that. You just may not see very often.
Emily Jones: So this is really where you just have to use your best judgment on, setting the boundaries that you want for your interaction and your relationships and for communicating those, you can't, it's not helpful generally to set boundaries and expectations in your mind and not have communicated them.
Emily Jones: Doesn't mean they need a big speech or a big email. But it helps just to communicate with people, like, Hey, here's where I'm [00:30:00] at. Here's what I can do, what I'm willing to do. Here's what I'm thinking about for this particular thing. But just setting that expectation out there. And, people may not like it at first.
Emily Jones: A lot of times they may not like it. They may not like this new version of you. They may not like that you're putting in any boundaries or that you're putting in new ones or you're setting different expectations and doing level setting with them. And that's okay. They don't have to like it at first.
Emily Jones: One of the things that I learned through my life coaching program with Betsy, is that Our relationships with our family and friends, people around us are like puzzle pieces. And so whether it's. Functional. Whether we enjoy it is a whole other thing. Regardless, it fits together like some puzzle pieces, right?
Emily Jones: So as you begin to change your behavior and you begin to change your expectations and your boundaries of other people, the shape of your puzzle piece changes and you no longer just fit together as cohesively as you did [00:31:00] before. And sometimes you make changes and it's beautiful and maybe it fits better than before, and other times it takes people time to change their puzzle piece now to match yours.
Emily Jones: Some people don't wanna change, and so you're either gonna have continued friction with that person or more distance between you, or maybe not as strong of a relationship, but when you change your behavior and you change how you interact other people around you then need or have to adapt to that to continue to have that cohesion with you.
Emily Jones: So it is possible. Sometimes it does take time. Other times people are very grateful for the change or fit even better than you did before.
Emily Jones: All right. Expectation number seven is embracing self-compassion and setting your own personal expectations. And this one is really about giving yourself grace, giving yourself.
Emily Jones: The ability to breathe, to just be to rest. [00:32:00] I talked with my good friend and coach recently on the show, and we also did a live event. Her name is Alexandra Tannin Olson, and she focuses a lot on rest and as a high achiever, as a perfectionist, and as a widow. Each of those three have their own lenses.
Emily Jones: Rest is like, rest. I don't have time to rest. I'll rest when I'm dead. I have all this stuff to get done. I've been given all these new responsibilities that I'm trying to figure out. I have so many expectations and things that I, a to-do list that's growing arms and legs, like it's getting crazy.
Emily Jones: I do not have time to rest. And so that's something she's personally helped me with in viewing rest as a discipline. In scheduling time to rest. And by rest I don't mean scrolling through the reels or the shorts or the Tik Toks right? And just mindlessly numbing yourself to the real world. We mean true, real rest.
Emily Jones: So, that is something [00:33:00] you have to do for yourself or you'll experience burnout. You'll experience just irritability and depression and resentment to other people. I catch myself doing that at times where, I say, oh, I'm happy to do this. I'm happy to give, yeah, I need to do that. Something I'm supposed to do.
Emily Jones: And I give and I give and I give, and then I start getting resentful, like, well, how much are you gonna take? All these people just taking everything from me and not giving back. And so it's a story we tell ourselves in this cycle that we get into. When we are not taking care of us, do I really expect everyone I give to, to give back to me?
Emily Jones: No. What I'm really aggravated about is that I haven't given to myself and I haven't allowed myself time to rest, time to recover, time to just, as an introvert, I call it letting my brain breathe. I need time and space where people aren't talking at me, where there's not, some YouTube stream happening where it's just my brain can just [00:34:00] breathe and do its thing, and I don't feel like I'm suffocating.
Emily Jones: So when I don't intentionally take the time to pray or meditate or just allow myself time to just exist, then we get into the state of irritability and burnout and resentment and. Presentment that isn't appropriate because the person I'm really mad at is myself for not setting the boundary and the expectation of protecting my own time.
Emily Jones: I'm ruthless with my calendar now. I used to just, my calendar was everyone else's agenda and now I make accommodations at times, but for the most part it's when I can do it and I've really. Gotten a lot better. I'm not perfect. I still struggle at times with just wanting to accommodate people, but I've really gotten a lot better with the calendar and I have felt so much better and so much happier to do things for other people because I'm not mad.
Emily Jones: I scheduled something for a day, I needed downtime or for an [00:35:00] hour where I wanted time to just rest. And now I'm like, well, doing this for them is more important than me having rest. All right, so those are the seven expectations that we experience as we move through grief, and some ways that you can experience freedom from those expectations and freedom with just focusing on the process, understanding and learning who you are in this next.
Emily Jones: Few chapters or the rest of your story of what you have ahead of you, and to not feel frustration and resentment and aggravation with people. You have a choice in how you interact, in what you choose to say or not say, and the level of effort you choose to put into some of those relationships or to communicate and say, I'm not a good friend right now and I'm sorry I.
Emily Jones: I don't know. I'm never gonna be the same. And I'm not asking for you to feel sorry for me. I'm just letting you know. And if that's not okay with you, that's fine. If you [00:36:00] can handle that for now and you can be patient and can continue to be consistent, that would be amazing. I understand that's not for everybody.
Emily Jones: This is just where I am and this is what I can do. And a lot of times just communicating that and communicating some of those expectations and boundaries will help set you free ultimately. All right guys. Well, I hope that this episode was helpful for you. If it was, please feel free to share it, to subscribe.
Emily Jones: Also, I would love for you to sign up for my email list of things I have going out. I have free resources on the website I mentioned [email protected] slash free, and I'm consistently pushing out free content. So yes, I would love you to be part of the membership community. Or to do one-on-one coaching with me if it's a good fit.
Emily Jones: But in the meantime, I'm happy to share. Free things that I wish I had or things that I found super helpful for me. And if you're on the email list, then you are going to get notified of free live [00:37:00] events that we do for the public. I try to do one once a quarter where I bring in an expert or we hash through a specific topic and completely free for anyone who wants to sign up to attend.
Emily Jones: And if you're on the email list, you're gonna hear about it first, and you're gonna have priority. For being able to attend that event and having a spot. So to sign up and to get these free resources and updates, go to brave widow.com/free, and you will have access to those things.
Emily Jones: Hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your heart, finding hope, or achieving your dreams for the future.
Emily Jones: Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for [00:38:00] getting through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.
Emily Jones: Inside you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn more.
