BW 042: 40 Things I've Learned by 40
Aug 01, 2023Watch the video here or on YouTube; listen anywhere podcasts are played (Apple, Spotify, Google…)
The Transcript is below.
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Today is a special day because it's my 40th birthday, and I thought, what an amazing time for me to share 40 things that I have learned since being a widow and what I would tell someone who's widowed, especially someone who's early on or they're still trying to figure out what this grief stuff is all about.
I broke these up into 3 different categories:
1. What to expect - just getting your mindset in the right direction of what to expect in being a widow.
2. Being in survival mode - you're just trying to get through the day. Some things I've learned and would tell people.
3. Healing - moving forward in your grief journey.
Resources Mentioned:
Free Live Event | Get Unstuck from Grief
Free Resources | bravewidow.com/free
Episode 027 | Grief = "And", not "Or"
The Grief Recovery Handbook by John W. James and Russell Friedman
The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss by Mary-Frances O'Connor
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The Brave Widow Community is a place where you can connect with other widows, find hope and healing, and begin to dream again for the future. Learn more at bravewidow.com.
Hey guys, I’m Emily Jones
I was widowed at age 37, one month shy of our 20 year wedding anniversary. Nathan and I have four beautiful children together. My world was turned completely upside down when I lost him. With faith, community, and wisdom from others, I’ve been able to find hope, joy, and dream again for the future. I want to help others do the same, too!
FOLLOW me on SOCIAL:
Twitter | @brave_widow
Instagram | @brave_widow
Facebook | https://www.facebook.com/bravewidow
YouTube | @bravewidow
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Transcription:
[00:00:00] hey. Welcome to episode number 42 of the Brave Widow Show. Today is a special day because the day that this episode airs, it will be my 40th birthday, and I thought, what an amazing time for me to share 40 things that I have learned about being a widow these past two years for my 40th birthday. Now, if the sun and the moon and the stars had all perfectly aligned, this would've been episode 40, but I would've had to skip a couple weeks.
And instead it's gonna be episode 42, so, Sometimes in life, things can't be just absolutely perfect. Before I dive in, I do wanna make sure that you all know that I'm doing a lot of free stuff these days and things that I think you will find helpful. So if you go on over to the [email protected] slash free e, hosting some routine free live events that you can attend or if you see a topic that you think might help somebody else, feel free to send them that way. I also have some free resources for you. I [00:01:00] did a little course on how to honor your loved one. Different ways that you can honor your loved one as you're moving forward in life and wanting to still honor their memory.
Have a checklist in there on how other people can help you, maybe give you some ideas, give them some ideas and some other things. That I'm not gonna spill the beans on, but they're out there. Again, it's brave widow.com/free, f r e e. And currently I'm doing a free live event on, getting unstuck from grief because, we have a tendency to feel like we're going backwards in grief or that we're stuck or maybe you're 2, 3, 4 years out and you're feeling just as volatile as you felt those first couple of months and you just really feel like you can't move forward and something is holding you back. So, I'm doing a free live event and training on how to get unstuck from grief, and you can be the first to know about when those types of things happen. If you, sign up for these [00:02:00] resources and get on the email list and you will be VIPs and in the know.
All right, so 40 things that I have learned and what I would tell someone who's widowed, especially someone who's early on or they're still trying to figure out what this grief stuff is all about. And I broke these up into different categories one being what to expect, just getting your mindset in the right direction of what to expect in being a widow. Number two is when you're in survival mode and you're just trying to get through the day. Some things I've learned and would tell people. And then the third category is just overall for healing and, moving forward in your grief journey. So starting with things to expect.
Number one is your life isn't over. Just feels like it right now. And that's a tough one because when you're, especially in those first few weeks and months, your entire world just feels like it's shattered and you feel like a completely different [00:03:00] person. Very hollow things are very gray. You can't imagine laughing or smiling or feeling any sense of joy or excitement about the future again, like, how could you feel that way? And it just feels like at times, what's the point? If my person isn't here, I don't wanna live, I don't wanna experience things, I wanna be with them, or I wish it was me and not them. But I wanna encourage you that even though it may feel like that now, it doesn't have to feel like that forever and your life really isn't over.
All right. Number two of what to expect is that your social circle will change. And this was very shocking for me. I didn't realize it was a common phenomenon that happens, if you will, in the widow community, but it is, and there are a lot of reasons for why that happens. And what I mean by your social circle changing is that the people that you expect to be there for you to show up, for you, to support you, to let you know that they're [00:04:00] there, usually aren't the people who actually do, and sometimes it's very surprising to realize who actually does show up for you. Who comes into your life that maybe you didn't even really know that well of some of the most consistent assertive bulldog ish people that send cards and send messages and let me know that they're thinking of me and praying for me, and that they care are people that are acquaintances, that in the past I really didn't know that well. And so for me, it just blew me away. Like, how can these people care so much about me and my family and I don't really know them that well. They don't really know me that well. But you will find some of those people in your life and it's a disorienting feeling because you've lost some of those people, but it's also an exhilarating feeling because you gained some new friends, some new acquaintances, some people that really become important in your life. Another reason why your social circle changes is because [00:05:00] many of the relationships that we have, especially if you've been married for a number of years, are relationships you had as a couple, or maybe the connection was your spouse. I think about family members on Nathan's side. I think about friends that we had through him. Given my work life, a lot of my friends and people I knew were through work or just close family. I wasn't out in the community like he was a social butterfly, just meeting and hanging out with all kinds of people. And so a lot of those connections change and sometimes people just feel weird now that person's no longer there. The dynamic is just very different.
The third thing under what to expect is community is key, and it's important that you find a community of people like your tribe, people who understand where you're coming from. They understand some of the challenges and mindset shifts that happen when you become widowed. There are people who are gonna encourage you and cheer for you [00:06:00] and empathize with you. And at the same time, if you are wallowing too long, if you are, engaging in behaviors that are unhealthy, they're gonna bring that to your attention. Like they really care about you. So there are many grief communities out there. I would love for you to be part of the Brave Widow membership community online, but maybe it's not the right fit for you. Maybe you have a good community. Either way. Finding a good community of people to surround you, support you, and to give you hope and encourage you is really key.
All right, number four, make new traditions. You can still incorporate your loved one into those traditions. You can still feel like they're present with you. It just looks different and that's really hard to wrap our minds around. And the first few holidays, birthdays, the big milestones, those are gonna be tough. It's okay. Prepare for those to be tough. Stock up on tissues and Kleenex and just know that you [00:07:00] have to get through a few instances of that for it to start feeling more normal for your brain to start making some new memories and connections. But there are many ways that you can still honor your loved one. You can still include them in your life, and that's one of the free resources I have for you is a course and an entire workbook for you of chockfull of ideas of what you can do to keep your spouse's presence and spirit still as part of your life, even as you're making new traditions.
Number five, this is going to change you, and this is something I wasn't expecting. I've talked with Nathan about being widowed. I mean, statistically men do often die before their wives do, so I knew that was likely a chance, and I knew that I would probably, really miss him. And it would be hard and it would be sad. I did not expect that it would change who I am and what things I like, what hobbies I wanna engage in, who the [00:08:00] people are I wanna hang around with what relationships I wanna have. And for me, this was so hard because I'm a planner. I love to dream and plan and think about the future, and I knew what I wanted my retirement plans to look like. I knew when, I hit 60, what I wanted to do at 80, what I thought it would look like. Just all of those things in my mind of what I thought life was gonna be, and all of a sudden that was gone. So for someone like me, that feels very disorienting and this process feels disorienting for all of us. But I really just felt. I was just drifting in this big ocean and I had no idea. Do I still wanna do that for my future? Do I still wanna live on a big ranch. Do I still wanna have a bunch of horses? Do I still want to travel a lot? Do I still even enjoy doing some of the things I did before and I have come to determine that? No, not necessarily. The things we [00:09:00] enjoyed together as a couple and the plans we made together as a couple weren't as appealing when I thought about doing them by myself or doing them with another person. Maybe I meet someone else in the future and we have completely different dreams of what we wanna do. So this is a really difficult one to, I think, come to terms with, is that going through this process changes a lot about who you are and the things that you choose to spend your time on or the people you choose to spend your time with.
Alright, number six, grief is about, and not, or. And I did a whole podcast episode on this. We'll link that in the show notes. So if you haven't heard it or you wanna learn more about that, that you can, but we often have a misconception that we're very binary in our thinking of, or, I can either be happy or sad.
I either can love my spouse. Or move on and love someone else. I, can [00:10:00] be excited about the future or I can be sad about the past and the fact that I lost my spouse and my person. But you come to learn that grief is really both. I can be happy about the future and sad that my person isn't here to witness it. I can be excited to see my kids as they move through milestones of things that are happening and wish that their dad was sitting in the audience to also see them. I can still love and miss my person like crazy and make space for another person that I wanna spend the rest of my life with. All of those things are a part of grief, and that is one of the things that makes us feel like we're conflicted or not moving forward, or that we're really struggling is because we shouldn't be feeling these opposing emotions and feelings at the same time, when actually that very much is a part of grief.
Number seven, everyone's timeline is different.[00:11:00] And what I mean is a timeline of healing. First of all, there is no finish line. So sorry if you hadn't learned that yet, and this is the first time you're hearing it, there is no finish line to grief. And when you're newly widowed, that's the last thing that you wanna hear because grief is all consuming. It's overwhelming. You can't even think clearly. You have brain fog. You are struggling to do the most basic of things. You feel like you can't, you're drowning. The water is like up here and you're doing everything you can to breathe, to survive. And so when people say you don't ever get over grief, it's crushing just devastating.
Like, how am I gonna spend the rest of my life feeling like this? So when I say there's no finish line to grief, I don't mean that you're gonna feel that way forever. You can if you choose to, and people choose to. But you can also choose to heal, to process those emotions and feelings, to do the work, and to still have a component of grief that resides as part of [00:12:00] you, but isn't all consuming, isn't volatile, isn't just overwhelming for the rest of your life. The reason why everyone has a different timeline is because grief is complicated. Everyone's relationship is unique and different. So even another widow who had been married 20 years, who had four kids with their spouse, who was best friends with their spouse, even though they might have a lot of similarities to my experience, They have a unique relationship, a unique dynamic. All of that is very different from my experience. So when we compare and say, well, Susie over there seems like she's, six months and she's been pretty much good, first of all, unless we know Susie, we really don't know the facade of what she presents to people versus how she really feels. But also, Susie might have had a very different experience, did have a different experience than me. She had a different relationship. She's a different person. So as you're trying to figure out what are the right timelines, there are [00:13:00] some very general guidelines, but people have different relationship experiences. People have different past traumas that sometimes get triggered when they're going through grief, and they're having to confront some of these feelings that they've suppressed for a long time.
Also people choose to suppress their grief, to delay it, to get distracted, to engage in unhealthy behaviors, and that can really prolong the healing process and how grief then later will manifest itself, in your life. So when people say everyone's timeline is different, those are some of the reasons why.
All right, number eight, as new memories are made, your brain does adjust. And what I mean by that is when you're newly widowed, your brain has a really hard time wrapping its mind around the fact that your person isn't there. The grieving brain is an excellent book. It's in the top three books that I recommend to people who want to understand a little more psychologically from [00:14:00] a biological brain aspect, why grief is so hard and so disorienting, and why It's like we're constantly looking for our spouse. We know logically they're no longer here, but it does a beautiful job of illustrating why, especially in the beginning, you're looking for your spouse out in the crowd, or you think you see someone who looks like them or you see something on your phone and you go to text them or you go to call them and you have to go, oh, right, I can't do that. And it just feels like a slap in the face. Again, a reminder, even though logically, you know they're not here, the brain just really has a hard time. And so part of the reason for that is because you have to have time to make new memories. New habits and new ways of navigating life. So if I was, married for 20 years, and I know every night at 10:00 PM Nathan and I go lay down to rest and go to bed, then I have 20 years then every night doing the same thing. For the most [00:15:00] part. Now I've got to let time move forward to make new memories. I've got to have a month, six months, a year of me going to bed by myself at whatever time I now choose to do that, since he's no longer here. And my brain has to make new memories and new patterns so that it stops looking for him to be there.
So as you think about what to expect as you're navigating some of these early days, Those volatile portions of grief get easier as you make new memories, as you make new patterns and your brain starts to associate these new habits with your person, not necessarily being there, there's not associating your person there as you're making some of these new memories.
All right, number nine, guess what? The five stages of grief does not apply to you and in the widow community, we hear this all the time about the five stages of grief and where are you at in the five stages and how is it possible that I was on stage three and now I'm back in denial, or I'm back on step one.
And then I felt like [00:16:00] I had acceptance and now I'm back at, step one, the five stages of grief. And I did another episode on this was. Created by an incredible individual that did a ton of work to understand grief and acceptance of impending death for terminally ill patients. So someone in hospice, someone with a terminal diagnosis, how they moved through the grieving and then acceptance process of what was coming for them with knowing that their life had a limit to it.
This was not intended for people who had lost a loved one. It wasn't intended for widows. This is why it doesn't feel right to you. It's why it. It doesn't make sense to you and why you feel like you're going backwards, because in your mind, grief is this linear process of I'm getting better, I'm getting better, I'm getting better, I'm getting better.
Bam. I had a really bad moment or day or experience, and now I feel like I'm in denial. And how am I in denial? I know my spouse isn't here, but I can't believe a year later, how is it possible? My spouse isn't here, but I know they're not [00:17:00] here, and you really grapple with some of those things. That's because healing through grief does not happen in this linear process. And the five stages of grief wasn't meant for you. It's preached to you. It's given to you. It's on Pinterest and social media and told to you that you should follow that or you will follow that. But it doesn't apply to you and it's okay. It's okay that it doesn't apply to you and your healing.
All right, number 10, we're still in what to expect. People are not going to understand what has happened to you, and that's okay. I didn't understand until I went through it. I've thought many times that, people have done for me more than I've done for someone who's lost a spouse or lost a loved one in their lives, and it's caused me to reflect on what I've done or haven't done for other people.
Ways that I haven't shown up. For other people or I haven't done something that was meaningful, and it's not because it was malicious or because I didn't care or because, I didn't want to do those things. I just didn't understand the [00:18:00] gravity of what these people are going through. I didn't understand how much it changes who they are and their ability to function and how it impacts their lives.
I mean, most workplaces may give a bereavement leave. It's normally a very short period of time. It's fairly common. We don't really understand grief culturally, especially here in the States, and it's something we're not educated on. We don't talk about, we don't like talking about. It's uncomfortable, makes it things awkward.
So as you're moving through this process, just realize people aren't gonna understand. When you get frustrated and when they do the wrong things and they don't do what you want 'em to do and you feel abandoned and you feel isolated, ask yourself, did you understand before you went through it or before someone you are very close to, went through it and you got to see it for yourself?
Would you have understood what to do, what to say, how to show up for people? Most likely not, and that's okay. So instead of being resentful towards people, I just look at it as they [00:19:00] don't know, they don't understand, they're not educated, and we can either take the time to help educate them on what they need to know, or we can just let things roll off and understand ourselves that those people don't, they just don't know.
That leads into number 11. And then it will also go to number 12. So 11 is people are gonna say the wrong things. And there's a wonderful book called The Grief Recovery Method Handbook. It's also in the top three of what I recommend that really talks a lot about this, about how people will say things like, oh, he's in a better place.
Or, you know what, you're young, you'll find someone else. You. You need to be strong. Be strong for yourself. Be strong for the kids. I mean, there's so many platitudes of what people say that actually don't even not help us. They irritate us or may make it worse, but it's not malicious. I don't think people say those things to be malicious or hurtful.
It's just what they think is the right thing to say. Mostly it's because they wanna comfort you. People aren't very [00:20:00] good at understanding what you usually want. It's just someone to listen. Someone to say, this really sucks and I don't understand. I don't have a good answer for you, but you know what? I'm gonna be here for you.
And if you just want me to sit beside you, if you want me to hold your hand, if you want me to just listen, I'm here for you. They don't know. So again, just prepare yourself that they're gonna say things that rub you the wrong way. And I have some resources for this as well. You can have for free and some other podcast episodes to help educate those people so that if you don't have the bandwidth to do it, if you don't feel like you have the right words, if, you don't necessarily want to say those things. You can share them, share and help educate those people around you so they can better understand.
All right, number 12, people don't know how to help you. Again, is one of the most common questions I get is what can I do for someone who's lost a spouse? People genuinely want to help. They don't know how to help, so, Have a free checklist with many things on there and whatever you're comfortable with [00:21:00] people helping with, you can check those off.
You can circle 'em, you can get ideas. Maybe you don't know how you want people to help you. And then if other pe you want other people to come up with their own ideas of what they would like to do, then also they could look at that list and say, Hey, I'm willing to do, these three things? Is that gonna work for you?
Most people want to help. And they just simply don't know how. But it is important, which is number 13, that you accept help and that you ask for help. So now we're getting into the category of surviving and a lot of people are really great at somewhat volunteering help in those early days, right? Is there anything you need?
Is there anything I can do for you? Let me know what you need. They're not really good at. Necessarily being detailed to say, Hey, I'd love to mow your lawn. Hey, I'd be happy to do the dishes for you or your laundry, or take the kids shopping, or whatever. But as part of surviving, and especially in those early days, accept the help.
You're going to need it. You're going to want it. You're going to wake up six months later and go, where are all [00:22:00] the people that said they were gonna help me? They're gone. So take advantage of the help as it's offer to you and ask for help where you need it. Most people just don't know. You can ask someone to be almost a coordinator or a liaison for you. Say you've got that friend that's just like a bulldog, or they wanna be in charge of things, or they really wanna help, then they can coordinate help for you. So you're not having to ask people, you're not having to find resources. You're not having to feel uncomfortable, but you have someone you trust that can reach out to other people and get you the help that you need.
But you don't, there's no award given for people who survive this. Without getting any help. So you're gonna need it as you're surviving and you're moving forward. So accept it, and don't be afraid to ask for it.
Number 14, you're not alone and it feels like nobody else understands you. And how could anyone else understand you? It's very isolating. It's very lonely. It's very easy to feel that people have just forgotten about you, but you're not alone. [00:23:00] And even if you just go on Facebook and you join some other widow groups and grief communities, you'll very quickly see how many other people struggle with the same things that you struggle with. Have some of the same challenges. Feel guilty about some of the same things, have some of the same mindset shifts. It you can very quickly see that you are not alone and you're not going through this alone.
Number 15, God has not forgotten you and it might feel like it and you might be, you believe in God angry. You might not understand why. You might feel like he is not real because this has happened to you, but I assure you there are multiple verses in the Bible, specifically for widows, specifically for you, and how precious that you are to him. And it may not feel like it because he's allowed your person to no longer be here. He hasn't forgotten about you, and he still very much has a plan for you. Even if you're 85, 90 years old, he still has a plan for you. You're still here. So while you're still [00:24:00] here, he has a plan for you.
Number 16. Sometimes bad things happen for no good reason. People want to soothe us. They want to make us feel better. They wanna say things like, well, God needed this person in his army. God really needed this person, and no he doesn't. No, I don't know that God needs much of anything, especially to call someone home or however people tend to phrase it. But you know what? Sometimes bad things just happen. We live in a broken world. We have sin and consequences of sin, and we have death and sickness and free will, which means things can go wrong. Free will means that people can be murderers, people can steal, people can make bad choices, and there's no immortal immunity to the repercussions of that. But that doesn't mean that even though those bad things happen and there's no good answer for them, sometimes that good things can't come out of it. [00:25:00] So me having Brave Widow, do I think that God wanted Nathan to die so that I could start this podcast and this community?
No. I don't think that, but I think that when that happened, I had a choice to say, okay, I can focus on myself and I can heal and I can wish everyone else the best, or I can pull myself out of the fire and go help other people walk through it. I don't know what it's gonna be like 10 years from now. Maybe in some ways I am limited in how I can help those people.
Well, I don't think that's the case, but I can definitely help the people that are newly widowed, that have children that are struggling with the same things that I struggled with. I can reach back into the fire and help other people walk through those same things. And. Why shouldn't I? Why? Why shouldn't I help provide for other people what I would've wanted or what helped me?
And that doesn't mean that you have to start your own online presence, but there are things that you [00:26:00] can do to. Help other people. They're sharing your story. Even just helping to encourage and inspire other people is a great way to give other people hope that it's not gonna feel like their life is over forever, that they can still have some sort of hope in their life. Good things can come out of bad things that happen for no good reason.
All right. 17. Learn to say No. Set boundaries and minimize expectations for yourself. So whether that's deciding not to host a holiday, whether it's deciding that you don't wanna attend all the extracurricular things that you have in the past, whether it's, just letting friends and family know like, Hey, I'm doing everything I can to survive right now. I'm not gonna be good at responding to text messages. I'm not gonna be good at calling you back. I don't wanna answer 25 people who are asking me, how are you, how are your kids? I don't wanna copy and paste the same answer all the time. I'll post everything here, or I'll share updates when I can, as I feel like I have the ability to.
But set [00:27:00] boundaries and minimize expectations on yourself. Trust me, I'm a high achiever. I'm a person that I will do whatever it takes to get something done. So this was really hard for me personally to be able to stand back and say whether or not I can do it. I choose not to, and I choose to lower the amount of responsibilities and expectations and to set boundaries to say I'm not beholden to texting you back in a certain amount of time.
Number 18, find a new routine that works for you. And this is really hard in the beginning, especially if you have kids or you're working and trying to navigate things around the house and you have pets or animals or all these other obligations, and you've gotta figure out what this new routine looks like, but, Try to ease yourself into a new routine so that again, your mind can start to form these new patterns and these new habits and your life doesn't feel quite so volatile.
Number 19, wait on big decisions where you [00:28:00] can. Now, for some people you might not be able to wait. You might have lost your source of income through your spouse. You might have to change your lifestyle and how you live and what house you live in. And there are big decisions that maybe you can't wait on, but on other decisions where you can, general advice is one to two years.
I think that's pretty wise, from my experience and from what I've seen, I definitely did not feel like I had my feet underneath me until about six months out at least. So for the first six months it was just overwhelm and trying to get a grasp on some sort of new routine and failing at things and learning new things and pivoting and adapting and all of that.
I definitely couldn't think clearly. I had insomnia. I was sleeping two to three hours per night max. So of course you're not feeling confident, you're not thinking clearly. You've lost your thinking partner. You've lost a person that you would normally bounce ideas off of or who [00:29:00] would challenge some of your decisions.
So you've gotta give yourself time to build up some of those people around you that you trust. Build up people around you who are. Experts in their industry at what they do and can help you with making some of those big decisions because they have your best interests at heart.
Number 20, moving forward and moving on are not the same thing. And this is one of the biggest fears that a lot of newer widows have is, well, I don't wanna move forward 'cause I'm leaving my. Love one behind. I don't wanna move on. Everybody wants to know when I'm gonna move on telling me I should move on, telling me I move on too fast. I could take the same widow and take 10 people and some of 'em will say they're not moving on fast enough, and other people will say they're moving on too fast. Trust me, you're not gonna please everybody. It's is not gonna happen. You don't have to move on. You can move forward. You can still have your person in your life. You can still incorporate them. You can, there's so many things that you can do to help keep their spirit and their presence with you, and to help even have a physical element of what that looks like [00:30:00] so you can move forward. You don't have to be stuck in the grief and the sadness and the pain and feel guilty about that. You can move forward without moving on and leaving your spouse in the past.
Number 21, communication is crucial. People are not mind readers. People don't know what your boundaries are unless you show them or unless you tell them. People don't know you need help unless you tell them. Your community doesn't know how to surround you and support you and help you if you don't tell them or you don't respond or say, I really am not at a place where I can commit to a lot of responses right now. So it's very crucial that you communicate.
Number 22. We're still in the category of survival. Not now doesn't mean not ever. If you're allowed to change your mind, that's great. You can change your mind. It's okay. Now on big decisions, it's harder to change your mind ' cause it may mean a lot of things.
Like if you decided to sell your house and now all of a sudden you wanna buy it back a year later. You can change your mind. It's a little bit tougher to do on those big decisions, but for the most part, [00:31:00] on the new routines, on setting boundaries and expectations, all of those things, you can change your mind.
I didn't host Thanksgiving the first year, and for part of my family, I haven't hosted it since. I have hosted Christmas and other things, and I just adapt and change as I feel I'm ready and I want to do those things so you know you're allowed to change your mind.
All right. 23, wear the ring or don't wear the ring. Just don't overthink it. This is like, I really struggled with this and some people really. I really do. Do I wear the wedding ring? Do I wear it on my right hand? Do I turn it into a necklace? Do I take it off after a certain amount of time? What are people gonna think if I take it off? What do they think If I leave it on, if I take it off, does that mean I don't care about my person?
Does it mean that I'm ready to date someone else again if I leave it on, does that mean I'm a sad widow that can't get over? Losing their spouse and that I still, wish they were here and I was married to them and all that. I mean, I have done everything with my ring. I even turned it into a necklace at one point.
[00:32:00] I ended up hating that decision and turning it back into the original ring. I'm telling you, some days I would wear it. Some days I wouldn't wear it. In the beginning, it really aggravated me to wear it because it was a constant reminder he wasn't there. And so it felt like honestly, I was lying to myself.
By saying, oh, I'm wearing this ring. I'm married. It just agitated me because it was a reminder he was there. Then on other occasions, I felt like it was a beautiful ring. I wanted to wear it. I wanted to feel closer to him. So I'd wear it some days on my left hand, some days on my right hand.
There's no rules here. Just do what you wanna do and if you wanna, again, you're allowed to change your mind. One day you wanna wear it the next day. You don't wanna wear it, don't wear it. Some people only wear it on special occasions. Some people turn it into an heirloom item, some people repurpose it.
Or they'll combine the bands with their spouses and make a whole new piece of jewelry or turn it into a necklace or something like that. Just. Whatever you feel like doing. Do what you wanna do and don't worry about what everyone else is thinking. I worried about that way too much, and at the end of the day, nobody cared.
When I was ready to start dating again, I [00:33:00] thought, well, I'm gonna have to take off my ring, right? Like, who wants to date someone that looks like they're still married? And so I hadn't worn it for quite a while and people were still shocked when I would meet them just at church or. Out and about or whatever.
And I would say I was widowed, and it's not that I expected 'em to think I was widowed, but they were surprised I wasn't married. I'm like, well, I'm not even wearing a wedding band. Why would you think I'm married? I guess I have that like. Wife look about me, I don't know. But then I started realizing like some people just really don't pay attention to what jewelry you're wearing or not wearing.
So yeah, it might discourage someone from approaching you in public. Obviously they're probably not gonna do that if it looks like you're wearing your wedding ring on your wedding finger, but, Other than that, most people are kind of oblivious and a lot of people have shared experiences where the person they're dating doesn't care and doesn't even care if they wear that ring for the rest of their life.
So you just do what you wanna do and don't worry about it.
Number 24 is to prioritize focus. Today on what has to get done today. I'm a [00:34:00] list person. I love lists. I've got lists right now on Post-It notes stuck to my monitor of things that I wanna do or need to do. So for me, this is something that I know I shouldn't be overwhelmed by a list.
I should easily be able to prioritize it. But in the beginning, I really struggled with that because I saw all of these things on my list and I saw things that were getting added to it every day. At a very rapid pace versus the number of items I was crossing off. And I remember talking to my dad and just saying like, I just feel so defeated.
Every day I am adding three or four things to this to-do list, half of which I don't even know how to do because Nathan handled all that, and yet I'm only taking off maybe one thing every day or every two. Like this thing is just multiplying and it feels so overwhelming. And he just said, just focus today on what has to be done today.
He's like, those things on your list don't have to be done today, do they? No. So I learned to put things on my calendar, call a repair person on Wednesday, it doesn't have to be today. [00:35:00] Organize this closet two weeks from now, who caress it doesn't have to be done today. So as I started to really prioritize things by when they had to be done, that list felt a lot less intimidating.
All right. That wraps up the things that fall in the survival section. So 25 through 40 we're gonna talk about are things related to healing.
So number 25, which is in the healing category, is actually a quote. It's one of my favorite quotes by Jim Rohn, which says, you are the average of the five people that you spend the most time with, and. It might be strange to think that this applies in the widow environment, but it actually is very applicable.
As I think about all the different communities that are out there and all the different Facebook groups. I've joined online groups, in-person groups. They're all very different. And some of these groups really promote a positive outlook. They promote hope, growth, encouragement, which is definitely something [00:36:00] we promote in the Brave Widow community and other groups really promote just hopelessness and enabling indulgent behavior that.
Is often risky and hollow and something that's not a healthy, long-term solution for healing. And those kind of groups. I soon left because they just really drag me down. There's one I'm still a part of just because I like to see what's top of mind for people and what people are struggling with to see how I can help them.
But, For the most part, I don't wanna be around those kinds of people. And in fact, in one of our live events we just had in the Brave Widow community, this is something that was brought up, is the reason that person appreciated. What we do is because we try to look forward with a positive outlook and with hope.
And even if we don't know exactly what the future's gonna look like, we want to look forward with. A sense of hope, a sense of positivity, a sense of growth and development and [00:37:00] healing. We don't wanna focus on wallowing and our sadness and feeling like our life is over and things are hopeless. There's no future in that.
So I thought this was very applicable for the grief community. Number 26, healing is proactive. Regardless of what people say, time does not magically heal all wounds. And with time, some things do get easier. Like we talked about with time, the brain makes new memories and new patterns, and there's a lesser association of your person being present for those things, and so that part of grief is a little less volatile over time.
But for the most part, Time alone doesn't heal wounds. If you injure yourself, if you break a leg, if you. Cut open your arm. You actively seek out some sort of medical attention, some sort of healing and help. You wouldn't walk around with a broken leg and limp along thinking that time's just magically gonna, going to somehow [00:38:00] heal that and put it back together.
This really leads into number 27, which is something my coach Betsy Guerra often quoted, which is that you must feel to heal. I. So part of healing is doing the work. It's processing the emotions and the feelings and the thoughts. It's growing and learning and developing, and not suppressing or delaying those things for an indeterminate amount of time.
Sure. There are times people call it scheduling your grief, so maybe you have a certain time where you wanna listen to the music and smell the cologne and hold their shirt close and do those kinds of things. Or maybe a certain wave of sadness hits you and you're just at a point where you can't really give into that feeling right then, and you wanna do it later when you're home or when you're in your car, whatever that is.
Those small types of delays are perfectly fine, but someone who continuously suppresses, ignores distracts from [00:39:00] feeling and from processing those things is ultimately delaying their ability to heal and their ability to not have some of those same strong emotions start to seep out of them. Number 28.
Creative outlets tap into the same part of the brain as emotions. That's why you often see things like journaling is good for healing and feels very therapeutic. Art therapy, aromatherapy, craft groups that meet for therapy, gardening groups that meet for grief and therapy. So things that you do that are creative.
Are utilizing the same parts of the brain that process your emotions and your feelings, which is really cool. As you engage in those types of activities, you're really engaging and working in that part of your brain that's dealing with those emotions. Number 29, you can choose to wallow in grief forever.
Can shouldn't. You don't need to. There's no reason to hold on to the pain and to hold onto the [00:40:00] sadness. You don't get a badge of honor for doing that. Some people are afraid of letting go of that or processing those feelings. They wanna just stay that way forever. So that's why you'll see people who are grieving years and years or feel like it's been 20 years and they still can't move on.
- They choose to hold onto that, whether it's consciously, subconsciously, because they aren't processing their emotions, they aren't proactively engaging in their healing by default, their choice is to stay wallowing in grief. Number 30, there's no rush to give away things that later you might wanna keep.
You wanna keep some of your spouse's clothes, you wanna keep things that might be sentimental to you. Maybe even your spouse had promised something to someone else, and you're confident in that. That doesn't mean the first week, the first month, the first year that has to change. Give yourself time to process it and maybe what you could do we talked about this in our live event on [00:41:00] cluttering.
Not on cluttering your house, on decluttering your house, and when is the right time to give away your spouse's things is if you're not sure, then put things, put 'em in a bin. Put 'em in storage. Put 'em in a closet. Put 'em in the attic, put them somewhere where you're not seeing them all the time, and it kind of feels like you've given them away and.
See how that feels to not have them in eyesight, every day. But there's no rush into giving things away that later you might regret because you wanted to keep it. Number 31, there's no reason that you should feel guilty. And I love, I think it was the Grief Recovery Method handbook that I mentioned earlier that talked a lot about our association of.
Guilt and grief together, and we often look back and we feel guilty. And we feel guilty because of things we said or we didn't say or do, or we wish we would've spent more time together. We wish we could have said goodbye. We wish. Ultimately, guilt is associated with things that[00:42:00] we had malicious intent to do.
And so as we think about the relationship we had with that person, We didn't have ill will or malicious intent with them, so therefore we shouldn't feel guilty. What you're often really feeling is that you wish things in the relationship or about the relationship were more better or different, and I totally agree.
There are things that I wish we could have done more. There are things that I wish had happened. Differently. There are things that I wished were better. And one of the best things that I did, and you're gonna hear more about this in the next few weeks, is I went through the grief recovery method process.
I went through the process and then also learned how to deliver that process for other people. And even though I've already done a lot of work and I've been in counseling and I have a coach and I've done the therapy, and I've read the books, and I've created all of these things, It was amazing how much going through that process really helped address this for me and how there were so many [00:43:00] loops that I felt like were still open, things left unsaid, things that I wanted to apologize for, things I wanted to forgive Nathan for.
And going through this process really helped me feel like all of those unresolved things were resolved and helped me to feel like there weren't so many things that needed to be better, more, or different. I didn't need to have like this guilty feeling within me, and I just ultimately felt so much lighter and better.
So if you have the opportunity to go through that, if you're interested in going through that in the future, I would love for you to join me. The best way you can hear about that is being part of the email list or the membership community. But I honestly, that was, life-changing for me going through that process.
All right. Number 32 is believe that a good future is possible even if you don't know how. This was one of my main prayers. Even the day that I lost Nathan, the first thing that repeated in my mind was, how is this possible? Like, I had that thought that occurred over and over. Then I had the thought [00:44:00] of, you are not alone.
Like, I'm not alone. That thought kept coming to me. I felt that was God reiterating to me that I wasn't going to be going through this process alone. And I also had the thought of, my life is over, which we talked about that one earlier, and I couldn't even fathom, couldn't fathom for many months, and sometimes even a year, 18 months later.
Sometimes it was just so hard to wrap my mind around how is it possible to be excited about the future again, to have a good future. Again I don't even know how, but I believed some way, somehow it was going to be possible. I saw that it was possible for other people. I saw that, I would be able to somehow find that again, and I made it my mission to learn as much as possible to do the work as much as possible because I wanted to be able to have a good future.
I did not wanna look at the future and think that it was all just downhill from there and that I was gonna be miserable the rest of my life. Number [00:45:00] 33 is to journal or document the memories, the sayings, the habits that your person had. Keep those fresh in your mind and in your memory, document them while they're there.
And those will be things that you can treasure for many years from now. One of the things that we often fear as widows is that we're gonna forget our person. We're gonna forget things that. Made them, and I even like remembering things that annoyed me. When we were married, things that just irritated me because after I lost Nathan, then those were things that, just reminded me that he was a presence in the house and he was there and that was just part of him.
And that's where his quirks or things that, we had to navigate. So journal those things. Document them or make a video or a voice recording of things, as you remember that. So you have that for many years to come. Number 34. Try new things even when you're scared, especially when you're scared.
And this was really a tough one for me. After Nathan died, I really realized, how much my [00:46:00] social circle was, people that I worked with, and Nathan, maybe some close. Family members, but I didn't really have friends outside of that. At the time I didn't think I had time to establish some of those things.
So, but there were things that I wanted to learn in groups that I wanted to be a part of. And I remember, I've talked about wanting to do real estate investing and wanting to learn more about that and what that looks like. So there was a local group that meets once a month, and I remember. It was May, so it was just under a year after he had died.
And I remember, being excited to meet some new people. I'm also a hardcore introvert, so I don't do well with small talk. I don't like meeting new people is not an area that I'm very good at. Necessarily. So, it was intimidating. And I remember that evening driving out to the parking lot.
They had a food truck that was there that night, and I just sat in my vehicle for a while just thinking like, I'm just gonna leave. I'm just gonna, I. What, what am I doing? I don't know. What is the room gonna look like? Where am I gonna sit? Who am I gonna talk [00:47:00] to? Am I gonna know anybody there?
Are they gonna be nice? Are they gonna all know, like, way more than I know? Am I gonna be like the weird new person? Just so many fears and doubts that I had sitting in that parking lot, but one of the best decisions I made. Was getting up and going inside and building relationships. I've met some incredible mentors and true friends in that group and I've learned so much.
I've gone to a few conferences this past year and even though, conferences are difficult, especially for us introverts that like our downtime, but. Really I've had incredible experiences at each one that I've gone to. So even when you're scared, get out there and try new things. Don't be afraid to create new relationships and new memories, and you might even do some things that you never would've done if your spouse was still here.
- The second year isn't necessarily harder, it's just different. This is a big question that I see posed in groups and that I get asked a [00:48:00] lot, is people that are in their first year of grief and widowhood. There's a lot of debates over whether or not the second year is harder, and you'll usually see some big post where someone will say, oh, I thought the first year was awful.
Well brace yourselves. Everyone. The second year is so much worse. And, that's the last thing that you wanna read. When you're in your first year of being a widow is, you feel like you've been destroyed and you're shattered, and somebody comes along and says, well just wait Next year. It's gonna be worse.
So a couple thoughts around this. One being that in many cases we can manifest for ourselves what. We envision. So if I tell myself the second year is gonna be harder and I believe that, and I live like that, then yeah, probably the second year is gonna be harder. So there's that. The second thing, and what I experienced, and again, everybody's timeline is a little different, but why the second year is such a big topic is because their first year, Is very difficult, right?
You typically have brain fog, you probably have insomnia. You're learning a lot of new things. You're trying to get a new routine [00:49:00] going. You're developing new relationships and contacts. You're, you are surviving, like all you're focused on is just getting through the day, surviving and doing the best that you can.
By the time you get to the second year, you know that first year you brace for everything. The first Christmas is gonna be hard. The first Thanksgiving, the birthdays, the anniversaries, and you're mentally prepared to go through that. By the time the second year comes around, you've gone through a lot of those firsts already and you've already survived them.
You typically have your new routine in place, or you have your plans for what may be changing about that in the future. The second year is less about surviving and more about, this is my new reality. Like this, okay, it's hitting me now. This is permanent. This isn't a bad dream. This isn't a nightmare.
This isn't a short-term thing like, we're just. Apart from each other and we're gonna come back together and life's gonna be okay. This is really happening to me. Those were a lot of the thoughts that I had in the second year, and I still [00:50:00] on some of the milestones would be braced and prepared that it might be hard, but I also felt like there were moments in the second year I wasn't prepared for.
I would just hit me outta nowhere, like I'd be having a good day, I'd be laughing about something, having a good time, and just out of left field I would be hit with a wave of sadness. Think I experienced more about that, the second year. So what I try to tell people is the second year doesn't have to be worse or harder by any means, but you might realize that it just feels different.
And this is part of just transitioning into what. Your future state and your life looks like. So July 17th was the day Nathan died in 2021. So I've just surpassed the two year mark. I'm now the age that Nathan was when he died. Well, I will be by the time this airs 40. And it's weird thinking that most likely I'll be older than Nathan.
Like he gets to die at a nice cool 40 and. I may be 80 or 90. I mean, I may be 40, who knows? But [00:51:00] yeah, most likely I'm gonna be older. Just kind of a weird concept. And it's just different as you're transitioning. Number 36 is to share your story. Even if you think that. It's not gonna matter that people won't care.
One of the most healing things that people do is sharing their story, and it's very rewarding because often when you do that, you'll hear from other people that are like, Oh my goodness. I thought I was the only one. I didn't realize somebody else felt that way. I didn't realize somebody else had those same fears or experiences or, you typically will get very positive feedback in sharing your story because it helps encourage and inspire other people that they're not alone.
That you too have gone through this experience and that you, in your own way understand what it's like to be in their shoes. And, especially as we launched the podcast to begin with, we had lots of people who wanted to tell their story, who wanted to help encourage and inspire other people and let them know that they aren't alone.
I interviewed someone that had just lost [00:52:00] their spouse. I wanna say 30 or 60 days before they got on a podcast, which was mind blowing to me because I wouldn't have done that in the first month or two. I don't think I could have. But how incredible and empowering it would be to be someone who was in their first 30 days, who's hearing from someone else in their first 30 or 60 days who can encourage me and inspire me.
And if they can heal and if they can do those kinds of things, then I feel like it's achievable for me too. 37, it's possible to find hope and joy again, even after loss. And for a long time I felt like, I wasn't sure. I felt like I knew it would be. I didn't know what that would be like. I didn't know how I was gonna get there.
I didn't know what it would take. For a long time I felt like I would never truly be just super excited about something. That maybe before if I had an excitement scale. I'm not an excitable person if you haven't noticed, but let's say that my Max Exci excitement scale was a nine out of 10. I never like really go crazy.
10 outta 10, but. I'll say it's a nine out 10. Well then I [00:53:00] felt like now my max excitement schedule would be six out of 10. So it really had decreased from where it was like I would never be able to be as excited or joyful about things as I was in the past because there was this gray cloud that just hung over me and rightfully so.
I wanted Nathan to experience some of those things with me, but what I have been able to learn, To do through lots of prayer. I've prayed many times and just said, God, you've got to pull my heart out of despair and sadness. 'cause I can't do it. I can't do it on my own. I don't know what it's gonna take.
I don't know how I'm ever gonna have joy in my life again, but I know. You know how to do that, and I know that it can be possible. I believe that, but I need you to do it for me or show me the way of what I can do to help that along. And. Over time and through the things that I was doing and through continued prayer and my relationship there, I was able to get through a lot of those things.
And I have found [00:54:00] excitement and joy and hope for the future. And I've made plans for my future and I'm building a new house and I am, moving logistically to a place that I wanna be. And I'm developing new relationships and there's just, Many things that I can be excited about, and of course I wish that Nathan, I could tell him about those things, that he could experience that with me, but it doesn't dampen my excitement for those things in the future.
It makes me excited to think that one day I'll get to talk to him about it and. Know or feel that in some way he got to experience that with me even though it looks different than it has in the past. All right, number 38, indulgences can become distractions. So you hear this a lot where people will say, you deserve this.
You go, girl. We call some of these like overspending retail therapy, right? And we indulge in things like overeating, undereating, some people indulge in exercise, they [00:55:00] overexercise, or have other hobbies where in a moderated approach is perfectly healthy and fine and probably helpful in a grieving state.
So exercise. If there's an amount of exercise that helps with healing, that helps with your physical body, helps with depression and anxiety, but there is a point where if you're constantly exercising and you're obsessing over it and you're overindulging in that, that it can distract you from grief and from healing.
This is one of the, one of the areas where things like dating too soon. Can become actually a distraction because you get caught up in all the wonderful things about developing a new relationship with someone and you're lonely and you're searching for that connection that you really suppress and move away from.
Processing what you've been through and what's happened, and it can create a very volatile environment for you. So just be mindful of some of those things that you might participate in whether or not you're [00:56:00] overindulging in them. Number 39. Good sleeping habits can be formed over time even without medication.
So, for many months I had horrible insomnia. Two to three hours of sleep per night, max and I would just be wired, like wide awake. And it wasn't like I was sad, like I wasn't awake, crying my eyes out. I was just awake. I remember assembling furniture like midnight. I mean, it was the most. If I didn't have the brain fog, it would've been the most productive time of my life, probably because I, I couldn't focus to read a book.
I couldn't focus to watch TV or a movie. I didn't care about any of that. So I just like did stuff or just toss and turn in bed and wished I could fall asleep. But the grieving brain does a really nice job talking about developing good sleeping habits, and as you are developing new habits post. The loss of your spouse, you can get through the insomnia and have more of a reliable sleep pattern without having to rely on medication.
And some of the inherent dangers that they mention in the book with using medication is [00:57:00] that can become your new habit. So you get used to having the sleep medication being addicted to that, or used to having to have that. And I'll tell you I tried. Unisom, I tried melatonin. I tried cocktailing, both of them together.
I just, even if I could sleep a little bit more, I never felt like I got a deep sleep. But you know, I will share one of the things that really helped me, that I still use every now and then when I can't. Fallback asleep is meditation, sleep talk downs on YouTube. And they're kind of guided sleep meditations that are very calming and help you really focus on relaxing different parts of your body from either head to toe or vice versa.
And that was one of the things that can help you develop good sleeping habits. Maybe that needs to be its own episode. Good sleeping habits. All right, number 40. Suppressed emotions and feelings will be felt later in the body. So if you continue to not address things that you've suppressed, if you continue to ignore the feelings or not wanna talk about 'em, not wanna [00:58:00] focus on 'em, not wanna deal with them, you will have physical pains in your body and you might feel it in your shoulders, in your back.
You might get headaches, you might have an upset stomach. You might have, chest pain, very common, with people who are grieving. And, even though I was doing the work I had some of that. Some of that may have been physical, but part of that is certainly stress related and sadness related as well.
So there are physical ramifications for not processing emotional and mental things that come up. For you. And that's one of the reasons why it's so important to focus on that. All right. That was 40, so I hope that you enjoyed, the 40 tips and things that I've learned that I would share with you as the widow community and with new widows and people who just wanna understand what all changes during that process and Again, just wanna remind you that I've got a lot of free resources out there.
We've got some free live events that are coming up and I'm gonna continue to do those things and [00:59:00] prioritize people who are part of the Brave Widow community and also people who are on the email list. And if you sign up for the email list, you get free stuff and you get free training and you get to hear the latest and the greatest about what all is happening with the Brave Widow Group.
So, Go sign up brave widow.com/free, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Emily Jones: Hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your heart, finding hope, or achieving your dreams for the future.
Emily Jones: Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? [01:00:00] The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.
Emily Jones: Inside you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn more.
