BW 067: Faith, Resilience, and New Beginnings: A Young Widow's Journey of Staying True to Herself and God's Plan
Dec 05, 2023Watch the video here or on YouTube; listen anywhere podcasts are played (Apple, Spotify, Google…)
The Transcript is below.
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Content warning: autoimmune, death
Laura Westdale, you will see in our discussion today, how beautiful her spirit is, how. She's just joyous for life, and she's excited about things for the future, and it's interesting because at the time of this recording, we're recording it in October, her husband died just two years ago. She's 31 years old. She, at the time, had a five month old and a two year old, and it's so amazing to me how, in two years, We as widows, I'm, I'm just over two years myself, can have overcome the feeling that our life is over, that there's no hope for the future, that Life is pointless to the point where now she wants to give back, she wants to be an inspiration to other young widows that are out there that are juggling kids and work and relationships and, and their new life as a widow.
All right, let me introduce you to Laura. Laura is a 31 year old mama, educator, artist, and writer from Grand Rapids, Michigan with currently a four and two year old. She lives her life for them and keeps her zest for life and passion for love alive, even after loss. And she definitely has a zest and passion for life
Quote:
''There will be someone that just will cherish you and your kids. Um, my advice would be to really stay true to you, but be open to growth. And I mean that by just stay true to your values and what you want out of a partner in life and where, what direction you want to go, but be so open to like growth mindset.
you don't know where your life can go. You don't know what God has planned. Clearly. We don't know that this was going to be the cards that we were dealt in this life. And so I would say, stay true to you and someone will see that light.''
''I really, man, young widows with little kids.
And that's not just, I mean, any widow, any person losing their person, knowing that. It will be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it, and you'll come out the other side, maybe a little different, but so brave and so strong, and I'm only two years out, and I have so much more growth to do and so much more to learn, but hopefully we can In solidarity, like stick together and learn from each other.
''And you're really a bridge and a gateway to doing that, Emily. So thank you so much. And thank you for having me. I appreciate it. And it's been an honor to share my story and I hope I didn't ramble too much.''
''Never had this like anger or bitter feeling towards God and towards my faith, which I don't know why.
I definitely. Part of it in the beginning was shock. And so it was like, I don't think that God like wants this pain to happen to people. It is not his intention for life and for marriage to be broken apart by death. That's almost the whole point of needing a savior and needing this. This hope that only his light gives.''
The Brave Widow Community is a place where you can connect with other widows, find hope and healing, and begin to dream again for the future. Learn more at bravewidow.com.
Hey guys, I’m Emily Jones
I was widowed at age 37, one month shy of our 20 year wedding anniversary. Nathan and I have four beautiful children together. My world was turned completely upside down when I lost him. With faith, community, and wisdom from others, I’ve been able to find hope, joy, and dream again for the future. I want to help others do the same, too!
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Transcript:
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[00:00:00] Hey, hey, and welcome to episode number 67 of the Brave Widow show. Today, I talk with Laura about her story and I really enjoyed our conversation. I think that you're going to enjoy it too. But before I introduce Laura, I wanted to make sure that you are ready because we have the annual Widow Winter Solstice event coming up on December 21st.
Which is just around the corner. It is going to be here so fast, it'll be December 21st from 6 p. m. to 8 p. m. It's one of my most requested events throughout the year. We are going to have a live panel of widows who are ready to answer your toughest questions, who are going to have different topics to talk through.
We're going to have activities throughout the event. We're going to have some music. We're going to give away [00:01:00] some books and some Amazon gift cards, and it's really, really going to be a nice event and you should totally be there. The way you can sign up for that is by going to brave widow. com slash winter.
W I N T E R. And as always, if you want to stay in the loop on our live events, then you should be on the email list. And the way to get on that email list is going to Bravewidow. com slash free and signing up for the email list, taking advantage of all those free resources that are there and waiting for you.
And again, please join us on Winter Solstice. It's such just a wonderful event for widows. We love on widows. We connect with each other. It's just, it's great. And to get to the winner event, Bravewidow. com slash winter. All right, let me introduce you to Laura Westdale. Laura is a 31 year old mama, [00:02:00] educator, artist, and writer from Grand Rapids, Michigan with a four and a two year old.
She is living her life for them and keeping her zest for life and passion for love alive, even after loss. Enjoy her story.
Emily Jones: Welcome to The Brave Widow Podcast. I'm your host, Emily Jones. We help young widows heal their heart, find hope, and dream again for the future.
Hey, welcome back to another episode of the brave widow show. I am so excited. I have Laura, a special guest here with me today, and she's going to share her story and some insights that she has on a variety of topics in widowhood. So Laura, thank you so much for agreeing to come on the show today.
I'm so glad to have you.
Laura Westdale: Yes, thank you so much. It is an honor to be a part of this amazing podcast and this, uh, just outreach trying to get people to [00:03:00] feel solidarity in this journey. And I'm going to just start by telling you a little bit of my story and then maybe kind of a little bit about my late husband, Paul, if, uh, that sounds good.
I am 30, newly 31 years old. Uh, I am a parent educator and I'm in education. I have two littles. Uh, Elliot is four, Hazel is two, so I'm very busy and I love all things out, outdoors and the fall weather is really, really amazing right now. Um, I was honestly in Lake Michigan on October 3rd going swimming cause it was just such warm weather.
So. Wow. That's. It's very warm, especially for Michigan. Yes, it is. So, yep, I'm in, uh, West Michigan in the Grand Rapids area and I was swimming in Lake Michigan not, but a week ago, so Michigan weather in full swing now starting to get some beautiful colors changing and fall is always my favorite, but [00:04:00] it does come with it an extra sting, um, and a few different months.
Paul and I met at Grand Valley State University in the teaching, the education program, we were both teachers, um, we met in the spring, but fall has a lot of significance for us because my birthday is September 27th, his birthday is November 27th, our anniversary. was September 6th. It would have been nine years this year.
And, um, our son, who is four, turned four on September 29th. So, and football, he's a big football guy, so football season. And I mean, starting back to school. Everything with fall was really significant for us. So this is a season of transformation and a lot of the metaphorical ways that you can think about it.
And especially as yesterday was the two year mark for Paul's death death anniversary or whatever you want to say. And it was,[00:05:00] it was a pretty Pretty challenging one, I would say.
Emily Jones: Yeah, we got to exchange the messages a little bit, you know, before and that those are a lot of milestones and things that happen during the fall, which I'm sure makes it even more difficult.
Um, and sometimes I feel like the days leading up to those milestones can be tougher. Then maybe the actual day, but I don't know if, if you fully felt that same way, or it's just been a whole mix of emotions during that time.
Laura Westdale: You know, Emily, honestly, all of the above. It has been every day is a mix of emotions in so many different ways.
Sometimes I blame blame being a woman. Sometimes I blame the moon. I honestly can just, or being a mom, um, I honestly can say it's, it's so many factors that went into like leading up to this date. But last week was pretty tough for me, like physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, just, I was like really not functioning well.
[00:06:00] And I'm kind of an energizer bunny. A pretty positive person. And I was just really struggling last week and I have an amazing support system and I'll touch on support systems like at some point during our conversation, but I just, I had people just reaching out and taking the kids so I could just like.
Take a bath or do you know have a little bit of time and it was really helpful. But yeah, definitely leading up to the day was a lot more challenging because it's like this pressure and replaying a lot of the trauma of the actual night that Paul died in my head just hour by hour. And this is wild, but I'll get into kind of our story meeting and like his medical situation and how he passed and then, um, Yeah, you can feel free to ask me anything, one of the things I'm
Emily Jones: curious, so how did you and Paul, you said you met in college.
Right.
So what, what was it about
him that caught your eye? Like, what was it about him? You [00:07:00] were like, okay, I kind of like this guy.
Laura Westdale: Yeah. Okay. So this is a cute, it's a meet cute. It's a cute story. Um, I was about to have a Spanish exam, like an oral exam. And I took lots of years of Spanish and, uh, language and traveling and history and all those things are interesting to me.
But I was sitting in a coffee shop on Grand Valley's campus. And I was practicing for my Spanish exam and I kept kind of, we kept doing like the exchanging glances. And I knew of him, but he had no idea who I was, which is funny. Um, but finally we kept looking at each other and then he finally took off his big headphones and like started talking to me.
And that was really cute. Cause he's, we, we talked about traveling. He had just come back from Bosnia and he had traveled to Poland. I was about to leave for Spain for a semester. So. We were talking about language and Spanish and traveling and we were in a coffee shop and quite literally all of that set the precedence for our relationship, our nine year relationship after that, um,[00:08:00] which was really great because in that coffee shop, while we were looking at each other, he was in the process of changing his spring classes around and had.
By divine intervention, changed one of his classes into a class that I was already in having no idea and later we like, we're like, Oh my word, we have this class together and, , yeah, it kind of just went from there where we had British literature together and helped each other with papers and, just read like Beowulf and Gilgamesh and all of the others.
All of the Brit lit novels and stuff and ended up sharing music and writing notes in class and just all the cute, all the cute stuff. So then I left for Spain for a semester and we weren't really official. We just like messaged a lot and I shared my journey with him. And then when I got back, we started dating and then we were.
Honestly, that was like 2013, January when I came back and we were married by [00:09:00] September of 2014. So, we had a good four well, let's see, 2014. Yeah, we had like four years together before I got pregnant. And so, four years just us. And then in 2019, I had my son, Elliot, who is now four. Then 20 months later, I had Hazel, my daughter.
So Paul was only able to be around for five months of Hazel's life, which is really challenging. And I know that anyone who has lost a spouse and has little kids, it's just, you grieve your own. Relationship with your spouse and their parent, but also you continue to grieve for them. The grief just comes out every time, every, every birthday party, even if it's bittersweet because you know, it's, they're turning four and,, You're just happy for them, but there's always that, like, sting where it's like you can't have that person there [00:10:00] also cheering on your, your kiddo and those milestones.
So just like all parts of this journey, it is just so multifaceted and complicated and challenging and beautiful and messy and all of the things. So, that's really our story. Like in a nutshell, a nutshell is a really small way to put it, but. A really couple of the biggest things in our relationship were, um, coffee, traveling, languages, just those, you know, this is really sounding like a Hallmark movie.
Like, oh, we meet in the coffee shop and he takes off his headphones. And I love that. It felt like that. Honestly, not just the meeting didn't just feel like that. Like her entire, like, I know when someone passes away, we tend to like, make them a saint. However, Paul actually, Paul was named after a saint.
Paul was just one of the best people I ever, ever met. And I am so, so grateful to have been loved by [00:11:00] him because there is just, there's just no other direct representation of being unconditionally loved like God intended, like then, then Paul and his love. And that's why I'm able to talk about it and able to share that with the kids and people who see the kids and they're like, They're just so happy and joyful and full of life.
It's not just because I am an Energizer bunny. I'm very positive. It's because like they carry that with him too, or with they carry Paul's. Like spirit with them and we keep it alive as much as we can, you know, in this second, second wave of my adult journey, wherever that may lead.
Emily Jones: I love that. And I think it's so powerful what you're saying.
So I want people to really grasp that is the power of gratitude during grief. And feeling, being able to say, I'm grateful for the time we had together. That was something that brought a lot of peace to me. And, you know, even when I would pray and things, [00:12:00] it's like, I'm just grateful to have felt so loved and so special, you know, for the time that we had together.
And now, you know, as you mentioned those waves, the milestones with the kids that are really difficult and those moments that just kind of twist the knife in your heart, like, I'm so happy to go to this. And I'm sad that their dad can't be here. For me, I've noticed that now it really has become, instead of being hit with this wave of sadness, I get this wave of gratitude of the love that he had for us and for the time we had together and it just feels a lot more peaceful than, you know, the, my first couple of years, especially it just felt like, am I ever going to get away from this dark cloud that just comes over every milestone?
That's really tough.
Laura Westdale: Well, that's like a really good point. And perspective shifting is something that we have to do constantly. It's not just like, oh, I've changed my whole perspective because this person died. It's, it's something you have to almost [00:13:00] choose to decide to do with every milestone, with every day, with every Big moment, and I find, and you can tell me what you think about this too, like I find when I'm run down, I'm not meeting my own needs, or I'm exhausted, or burnt out, overwhelmed with motherhood, um, just any of it, when any of those things start to creep up, I start to grieve, my grief comes out even more, and then I start getting like anxious about other things, it's just almost a spiral, so If in that moment, I'm aware of it, the awareness is a big thing, um, and I can choose to perspective shift or take a couple minutes and like take a walk around the block or write.
I'm a writer, so I write a lot of things. It can help me process enough to be like reorient, okay, and like shift to that. It's like positive reframing. I think it's a Behavioral therapy buzzword, but really it's just, this is a difficult situation. This is not great. [00:14:00] And, and validating that for what it is, but also being like, my kid is so healthy, happy and healthy and just turned four.
And we're just going to keep talking about Elliot's birthday. Cause it was last week or, you know, but. In my, in my milestones with even for me like in my new career, because I'm a parent educator now and I was, I was a teacher, um, it's just been I've seen like these glimpses of like him guiding or just being proud of us like throughout the whole journey.
Or any milestones happen or, and so like, yeah, I think that perspective of he's still kind of taking care of us. He's still here. He's, I'm carrying that love that he had and that, um, just being so proud of me and the kids. Like I can still take that and be like, just cause he isn't physically here anymore does not mean he isn't, that love doesn't like transcend.
So yeah. That's a word vomit way of saying that. I totally agree with the perspective. It's such a huge piece, [00:15:00] especially with those moments of really challenging, like the waves of grief coming back up.
Emily Jones: Yeah, it is. And I know it's hard for me to imagine. And so I'm sure it's hard for other people to imagine, you know, how does a young mother with a newborn and with a
toddler How in the world
did you get to the point where you can sit here today and say, I'm grateful for the love and the time that we had together.
I'm not angry or bitter. Um, how, what was that journey like for you, especially those first few months?
Laura Westdale: Yeah, and that's, you know, I'm just gonna quick just mention, um, Because in my notes, like my next thing is my grief experience in the early days, uh, and like right next to it is literally my faith, but real quick, um, so Paul had some autoimmune disorders, uh, ever since he was 18, and in Corinthians in the Bible, it talks about Paul's thorn in his side, and it's like 14 years long, and they [00:16:00] don't really discuss You know, they don't disclose what it is, but it seems like it's an illness.
And Paul was diagnosed with all of his autoimmune disorder, liver disease, all of that when he was 18. And, um, He died at 32. So literally his Paul's thorn in his side in my instance was 14 years long. And when I went back to church the first time after Paul died, that was the message. So just amazing, amazing things.
Another thing, like when we went to go to the cemetery to pick out a spot, like for his ashes to be laid and all that stuff, it's, it's just amazing. There's this rosebush next to my house and it was like October. So it was. Rainy and the rosebush was not in bloom. It wasn't the season and the morning of like going to the cemetery, I went out and it was just one huge bloom, just huge.
just for me. And it is a, an antique rose. [00:17:00] And the meaning of those is like without disease. And so there's just all of these things that I can just point to my faith, my faith, my faith, my faith, and not just my faith. It's not, it's literally just being open to seeing these things that are a gift to given to me.
I think Jesus, God, Paul, all of them are teaming up to just like cheer me on and be like, it's not the end. Like it is not. He's still very much tangible, and it is, it's really, really amazing to see all of the ways that that has helped me in the past two years. So, I know people are always like, send me a cardinal, send me a sign, and like, and like, it's, it's So it makes sense.
Like we want some notification from the other realm or the other side or heaven or just the person to know, like, they're good. Um, and like, I, I can definitely say that being open to [00:18:00] what God wants to show me and the way that Paul still wants to show he's here for me and the kids and in the people that are helping us and supporting us and it's absolutely giving me that peace for sure.
Emily Jones: Yeah, that's, um, that's amazing and really incredible gifts, especially early on. And I love that you embraced it and you saw it as that instead of being bitter or resentful or kind of just shut off to those things. Um, beautiful reassurance, I guess, in a way that you're not alone and that, you know, your life isn't over because in those early days, it very much feels like your life is over and there's just no point anymore.
Laura Westdale: Yeah. And so that brings me back to your question. I mean, like having a five month old and a two year old and suddenly just being a solo parent. I mean, Paul and I grew up to, I was 19 when we met. So we grew up [00:19:00] together out of like this college years going into adulthood, having no money, being teachers, still having no money, being teachers and having dogs and moving around and then establishing ourselves as parents for the first time.
And then You know, having another child and just being so just, I mean, we knew about his illnesses, but just so unaware that we were not going to grow old together. And then suddenly here I am with all of that, just, just completely in shock with a five month old and a two year old. And so it's a really good question.
How can I then see a rose and be like. That's what this means. I really don't know. I have no idea. Uh, prayer. I just have an insane support system in general. And like, that is not always the case for people. And I know that I very, I'm a very aware about what a gift it is to have people around me. And those first days, there was almost never a day where someone was not [00:20:00] here playing with the kids bringing, I have so many fuzzy blankets, you know, like bringing meals and asking what they could do.
And, um, I'll get a little bit into my current love story with my partner Austin now. Um, in a minute, but he lives across the street and part of our early friendship was him coming over and, and mowing the lawn or like just stepping in and asking how he could help. Um, just amazing, amazing support.
Emily Jones: Yeah. So I want to tap into that a little bit because so many widows have a hard time, you know, accepting how much less.
Being willing to ask for help or admit that they need help. What, what advice would you give? Let's say that person is you in those early days and they just are really struggling with that, what, what helped you the most, or what was a way that you felt okay to accept help or to let somebody come mow your lawn?[00:21:00]
How did you do that?
Laura Westdale: Um, so that that's a good question, and I know it's not always, especially in our culture, easy to do to to admit that we need help, um, and to accept it. I'll say two things. First thing is, Paul was sick the whole time I knew him. Um, I mean, he was, like, extremely strong and hid it well.
Autoimmune disorders are not just always, like, you know, painted on your face, and he was just so strong and passionate about what he was doing and the kids and all that. And, So we accepted help a lot because he was sick, he was in and out of the hospital the entire time we were together. Um, he died suddenly and so it wasn't like this long journey that was leading up to a date that we knew about.
Uh, it was very sudden, but it wasn't foreign to me to accept help. I mean, we had people constantly asking how they could help when, you know, Hazel was two weeks old and Paul had to be in the hospital for like a week. So that was my first [00:22:00] glimpse of solo motherhood, which I retrospectively was like, Whoa, that was so hard.
The first or second day. I'm like, how do I get them both to sleep? Like I got them both in the bath and then I'm, and then Hazel threw up all over everyone. And like, it's just those moments of just chaos. Of just not knowing how the heck to get through it. And then people offering help. I was like, please.
Yes. So someone in that position of just like, how do I accept help? Uh, no, that it is someone else's absolute joy to be able to love in that way. I just had, there was a message at my church this past Sunday about the three different types of love, uh, philios ethos or something. And the main one is agape love.
And agape love is that we are open to receiving. And that is the love, the unconditional love that God talks about so much and that Jesus talks about the night before he dies. Um. And this was all significant [00:23:00] again because it was the day before the two year mark of Paul dying that I went to this message and talking about agape love and so that was something that the message was saying is like just being open to receiving help receiving love is like It's laying yourself down to let someone else in and it's just really tough, but really worth it because I'm functioning and I, and I had help with, with the kids and with the house and, and yeah, with the lawn.
Emily Jones: Yeah, that's, I think that's great. My neighbors did the same thing. They basically. My yard was overgrown, I live out in the country and they were like, we're coming over on this day to just mow and clean everything up, which I, at that point was just so defeated. I was like, yeah, sure. Okay. Um, but it's hard because yeah, it's, it's, I think too, it's a pride thing.
You know, we like to say it's because, oh, we're strong, we're independent, we should be able to do these things, but at the same time, there is a measure of pride in [00:24:00] that, in not allowing someone to help, and to your point, even more, not giving them the joy of being able to help and to give back, because so many people do want to help, they just don't know what to do.
Laura Westdale: Exactly. That was actually something that I found difficult is when people were like, let me know if you need anything, please tell me how I can help. And I would just be like, I don't know. I don't know how people can help. I have no idea. Cause what can help the situation be better? Nothing. And so. It was more helpful to me when someone would just literally drop off a meal, come over and do that.
I mean, I don't know because that it just takes out that like delegation for the person who is so the grieving person, you know, and it's, so that's something I would advice for anyone who wants to help someone who's grieving, literally just like send a grub hub gift card, like just do something where you can, you want, people want to help so, so badly.
And, [00:25:00] um, you know, the person just. I'll let you know because the endless sea of messages coming in and is amazing, but also really hard to navigate when you're in that space.
Emily Jones: Yeah, it is. And, um, I, I think culturally, we just don't understand what people need, even though we know what it takes to run a house.
It's like, well, do you want me to wash your dirty underwear or not? You know,
like, it's just hard to know what, what people are comfortable with. So.
You see this, this neighbor from across the street, he's coming over, he's mowing the lawn.
Laura Westdale: This is , this is pretty cool. So, like, my, my new life, I have this written down, dot, dot, dot.
Now what? Okay, so, yes, Austin. So, basically, Austin and Paul and I had established a friendship. And, um, Austin's a contractor. So he was going to come help us with some things in the house and redo the floor in the basement and all of this. And about a week before Paul passed away, we like had Austin [00:26:00] over for Breakfast and like, um, got to know him a little bit and it's just another significant, um, divine appointment is what I call those, but just one of those meetings where it was like really significant later and it was just breakfast burritos at the time.
And so, yeah, uh, just basically out of that friendship, the friendship continued after Paul had passed away and the friendship had continued to just be a really amazing source of just like. a listening ear. Austin is a solid listener and just a very gentle spirit and just really funny, good friend. And so, yeah, just kind of, Oh, didn't even think about this before.
And it is not been an easy journey. I mean, It isn't. And there's a lot of factors that go into the challenges of a relationship after loss of that magnitude. Um, Paul and I, again, we're together for [00:27:00] 10, you know, almost 10 years. And so coming from a different and married and with two kids, you know, it's like coming from a different space.
Um, and trying to navigate that new relationship and rewire, almost rewire my My brain for new person and, um, and looking for new ways of showing and receiving love that I'm not like already used to and just, I mean, it's all there's, it's all really complicated, but it's really beautiful in so many ways.
And it's possible. I want people to know that it is so incredibly possible and not like. apart from the love that you had before. So for me, I carry the love that Paul showed me, and it has made me who I am, and it has made me who I am for Austin. And that's a really complicated thing to grasp, but I think it's pretty cool because It remains a part of my story and [00:28:00] Paul is always, you know, I'm going to love Paul forever.
There's space for me to love Austin as well. And he is so different in, in beautiful ways. And, um, some of the similarities are just like the ones that you want. The similarities would be just like a, a strong, gentle soul. And yeah, so that's, uh, again, a nutshell, a nutshell of Austin and I and him stepping into the role.
of dad to my kiddos has just been incredible to watch. Um, you know, and it, it does take some of that staying away from those moments, knowing that this person is here cheering the kids on too, and supporting me. And I have that from Paul.
Emily Jones: Yeah. I, I think that's. Wonderful. And I know for some people, they really struggle well until [00:29:00] you've gone through this experience.
I think it's very difficult to understand how you still love someone and you make space for another person. So you love, you can love them both. In maybe even different ways, but in a very similar way as well. So one question that people ask me a lot is, you know, how do I know I'm ready to date again, because grief can be this very volatile experience.
And as hard as it is for the widow, I also think about the other person, you know, and I think, gosh, how hard would that be to hear someone who's crying and yearning for someone else that. If they were still here, you wouldn't be in this relationship. So any thoughts around those things and how that experience has been?
Laura Westdale: Yes. And that is such an important part to mention because it is not just this is difficult for me and this person's going to swoop in and be [00:30:00] like strong and understand everything. I mean, it has been a challenge Um, in the way that you mentioned, like, you know, if Paul was still here, then Paul and I would still be together and that has really, allowed me to rethink.
You know, the way that the expectations that I have surrounding, you know, those, those big dates, the big significant milestones, and, you know, I wanted to just do something for Paul and my anniversary to, to commemorate it and like, and, and Austin is so, so constantly supportive, but also just in this space of like not knowing what to necessarily say or how to feel and has just shown up time and time again.
Um, but yeah, it's so important to ask and communicate, just communicate how, how [00:31:00] each situation is new for both people. Each situation is maybe challenging or amazing or You know, I need the needs, the needs of each person in this new relationship constantly need to be like talked about and reassessed and just communication and connection.
And as far as knowing when you're ready to date, that is such a hard question because I have had that question as well. And it is such an individual experience. Um, I'm on a couple of widow pages on Facebook and I think that's where we found each other. Um, and a lot of people are like, I don't think I'll ever, I'm done.
Like I'm never gonna. Love again, and I could very well have thought that way because of the way I was loved by Paul, just so beautifully, but also, Paul loved my zest for life, and to not continue that, and in a relationship way, you know, like, I have so much love to give. I would almost like be [00:32:00] denying who I was that Paul loved and denying a part of myself.
And I'm, I'm just, I do, I have a lot of love to give and I'm just so grateful to have what I have with Austin and be able to, I said this to him early on, like Paul has this overflowing cup of love, but you get your own cup. It doesn't make that cup go away. And so now I just have lots of cups, lots of love overflowing.
And another way to think about that too, is like when you have another child, like you have a child and you're like, Oh no, how can I ever love another child? Someone's going to feel left out. You know, uh, it's kind of like that, like you, your capacity to love and your heart just gets bigger and you just, you, I don't know, you adapt and you change and you grow and your life.
Like that's another difficult part, but if you can do it with someone by your side, it's absolutely [00:33:00] remarkable. So I encourage anyone who wants that for themselves to give yourself grace and time, um, and don't rush into it and really just do not look for the person that has been lost because that person was special as themselves and someone else could walk through.
The door or come all you want and just be just as special, you know, but in their own way and have the capacity to love in an, uh, just, you know, the same amount or.
Emily Jones: Yeah, I, I totally agree. And I think the key for me was, you know, I wanted to wait today. I didn't, I dated too soon, but I wanted to wait until I wasn't looking out of loneliness or I wasn't looking because I felt like something was missing or, you know, because I didn't have that person to do life with and I got married when I was 18.
So very similar [00:34:00] situation to you where. You grow up with that person and you're, you know, here I am 20 years later, a totally different person than I was when I got married. So, um, I wanted to feel good about how my life was going to be, whether or not I was in a relationship before I started dating again, which is what I did.
And now. It's a very different person. They have very different strengths, but I feel like I will be a much better wife and a much better partner in the future than What I would have been before going through this whole experience,
Laura Westdale: I 100 percent agree with that and that kind of brings me to another point that I had is just like discovering this new version of myself because I am not the same person I was before Paul died.
Um, and it's not just because now I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old instead of a 5 month old and a 2 year old and it's not just because I have a different job or I'm a little [00:35:00] older. Literally that experience of losing. The person I thought I would grow old with, my best friends, you know, like the father of my kids, like, changed me in such a way, not just shifting my perspective and my understanding and grasp of death and the, the fragility, the fragileness, the fragile state that life is, but really just like, I have matured in ways that I didn't know We're not grown and have just, I don't know, my scope of life has changed and just priorities again, priorities you just don't ever know.
You never know when your last day is. And I want to touch on this. Like the last night that Paul and I had together was. A night like any other kind of cute little date night where I had brought home desserts and we were watching the British baking show and sharing like chocolate [00:36:00] cake, two forks, and just, I fell asleep in the middle of the show and we were like, we'll watch it, the rest of it.
You know, tomorrow night and he kissed me and, and then he died at 2:40 AM. And so, I mean, it's really hard to say those two things in the same sentence because it's like cute and beautiful and then suddenly it's the reality and that's just like what grief does. And with that, it's, it's so obvious to me that YOLO or whatever, just you have to just understand that we really don't know what the future holds and what's going to happen.
Um. So, a side note about that 240 time, um, a couple nights ago when it was like the night before the two year mark, I was sleeping and suddenly I literally just sat up and looked at my clock and it was 2 39. I was like, Oh my word. I, I think this internal clock and trauma being [00:37:00] like, you know, the body remembers your mind remembers it was really true and it was kind of strange, but do you have any instances like that?
Emily Jones: I do. And I've had instances of just. Almost like you said, like noticing little signs or, you know, things that are reassuring, I guess, so odd instances and then reassuring ones, you know, as well. But what advice would you give to someone who's Maybe thinking about dating again or, um, unsure whether or not they're ready or unsure of what they're looking for.
And they're in that limbo state and they're thinking, Oh, you know, I've got kids. Nobody's going to want to date a widow. No one wants to date anyone with kids, uh, which we know is not true. But in the beginning, you're, you're having a lot of those thoughts. What, what advice would you give those people?
Laura Westdale: I remember having a lot of those thoughts too, and it is not a fun place to be because you just feel like.[00:38:00]
Yeah, I remember having those feelings. It's not, it doesn't feel good, but it's just not true. There will be someone that just will cherish you and your kids. Um, my advice would be to really stay true to you, but be open to growth. And I mean that by just stay true to your values and what you want out of a partner in life and where, what direction you want to go, but be so open to like growth mindset.
Cause you don't know where your life can go. You don't know what God has planned. Clearly. We don't know that this was going to be the cards that we were dealt in this life. And so I would say, stay true to you and someone will see that light and. And they'll just, they'll cherish it. And so I have found that to be true, like staying true to myself, but also being like, Oh, I've got to have this, this growth mindset and [00:39:00] really being better for it, being better for growing and being okay with shifting some of the ways that I think, or some of the habits that I have or things that I do.
And that's just normal for any relationship. It's all about. You know, coming together in teamwork and in compromise and connection and communication. Um, but definitely just staying true to yourself.
Emily Jones: Yeah. And part of it's rediscovering now who you want to be and what kind of life you want to have and what your dreams are for the future again, and being open to embracing that, um, for sure.
So I'm going to take a little bit of a left turn and ask, because you are so beautifully open about your faith and your relationship to God and how you see, um, You know, these signs and gifts that he's given you, but I think is amazing. And one of the toughest conversations that usually I end up [00:40:00] having with people is, you know, how, how do you not become bitter or stay bitter towards God?
You know, having the concept of, well, did God allow this to happen or. It just, you know, sometimes bad things happen. How did you stay so connected and close in your faith without going through some of those struggles?
Laura Westdale: So I definitely never was mad. I never had this like anger or bitter feeling towards God and towards my faith, which I don't know why.
I definitely. Part of it in the beginning was shock. And so it was like, I don't think that God like wants this pain to happen to people. It is not his intention for life and for marriage to be broken apart by death. Um, that's almost the whole point of needing a savior and needing this. This hope that only his light gives.
[00:41:00] And so I would say early, early on, it was given to me this peace that I could not understand how I was so peaceful. And like, I would say it was given to me through the people that was surrounding me. So not only these beautiful signs consistently, like that was so early on and it hasn't stopped. And yeah, If you're open to receiving those things, I do think that they are there to receive.
It's just like hearing the voice of God, but it's not always a voice. It can sometimes be a cabbage butterfly, those little white butterflies. They are literally like fluttering around my kids every time we're outside and around Austin and just. And Austin has seen them around the kids and it's like, we just call it our daddy butterfly.
Um, but it's not just like those things. It's, it's really just the people that poured themselves out into my family. [00:42:00] And it was just so obvious to me that I wasn't like for nothing. And what I like to think about is that Paul told me early on in our relationship that, you know, he was sick and he was so sweet and humble and sensitive and kind, but strong.
But he was just like, I just didn't think I would ever. No, I didn't think anyone would want to ever marry me or have kids with me and literally like I was able to give him that the amount of love, the stability, the steadfast, unconditional love that he gave me and gave the kids. I was also able to give that to him and able to give him the life that he didn't think he would have this family and these kids.
And so he just cherished that. And knowing that. In his lifetime, like he got to fulfill and achieve his just like deepest desire and that I was a part of that is amazing. I'm going to get emotional because that is the way I can look at it to be [00:43:00] like his life was not the duration of mine, but like for his life, like I got to be a part of fulfilling it and I know that doesn't really answer the question.
I can't answer that question because I don't, I don't know how I would just say it was my faith. In general and needing some hope, so being open to, to people helping or seeing these signs or being completely weak sometimes, and just Just crying listening to a song and just having it completely break me down going to therapy like I don't know These are just the things that I have done If they say not to make big decisions within the first year.
I made a lot of those like I changed jobs I you know started a relationship Not not soon after and like I don't know. I do think all of it is for a specific reason and we don't necessarily get to see the whole picture, but I get glimpses of heaven all the time. [00:44:00] And a lot of that is through the people that, that surround me.
Emily Jones: So yeah, I think there's. It's a lot of beauty and wisdom in your perspective and, and how you're looking at, you know, the life that you had together. And I've heard people say, or I see in the Facebook groups as well, you know, people will say, well, I thought he was my happily ever after. And maybe that's what I was for, for him and for the life that we were able to have together.
And it's. I think easy when you're coming from a place of gratitude and love to be able to think about that. But a lot of people still really struggle with it and struggle with, you know, resentment or bitterness or just feeling that opportunity was taking from them. And that's, I think, totally understandable if somebody is listening and that's you and that's what you're struggling with.
You know, I, I just, I think your story is just a beautiful example of how someone can [00:45:00] have a close relationship and faith in God and those, uh, that relationship, and then still maintain that through the loss of their spouse and then even life for the future and having your eyes open to those signs and those small messages, um, is, is amazing.
I remember there was one time. Um, especially in the first few months that I was just really struggling, not like, God, why did you let Nathan die? But I was just really struggling to think that how is somebody's whole life just 40 years, you know, and I'm sure you and your spouse were even younger, but for me, it was just like, how, how is that somebody's whole life?
Like it was just 40 years. It was just. You know, 40 years and, um, I remember sitting in my bathroom and I didn't have dreams about Nathan. I felt like I wasn't seeing anything. I wasn't hearing anything. And so I was just. Wrestling with that, but I remember one time I was sitting [00:46:00] in my bathroom drying my hair and I saw the light come through just a certain way through the window and it cast a rainbow across the floor and almost made like a little heart shape at the end.
And it was enough for me to be like, whoa, I've never seen anything like that before. And I just had this thought that was, he wanted to go. Like it was time or he wanted to go and it was just like this feeling of peace. So to your point, it's not always an audible voice that we hear, but it could be a thought that bubbles up.
It could be something we see that catches our attention, but having your eyes open and being open to receiving whatever that is, uh, can bring, you know, a lot of peace and a lot of comfort to us in some of those more difficult times.
Laura Westdale: Yeah, I definitely agree. Um, so with that you know, I want to just really quick mention the thing about taking the title of widow.
It was something that you had [00:47:00] mentioned in the beginning. that has not been easy for me. And I like being a widow and taking that Taking that title hasn't been easy, but like I've been dealt this hand, this life, um, but it doesn't define me is kind of where I'm at now in my journey of like my life now and self discovery of whatever that means.
It doesn't define me, but it's like a building block of this next part of my life. And so I just like wrote all of the things that. I feel like I can say rather than I'm just a widow and it's not just a widow. I mean, man, widows are warriors. I'm a mother, a teacher, a friend, a daughter, a girlfriend, an auntie, an educator, a writer, an artist, a music lover, a nature enthusiast, a dreamer, and hopefully an inspiration.
Um, and I just think that that's also really incredibly brave and courageous for people to know is that it's [00:48:00] okay if. If it is all consuming, it definitely makes sense. But if it's also, like, if you do get to a point where you're like, I'm also still me, and life after this kind of loss, it is possible to still be, like, confident and proud in whoever you are at this point, and carry forward carrying that, that love, almost as like a propeller to just continue being that.
That light that the person that you last saw in you and it's kind of like what I would say that I do with with Paul's love and and seeing him all the time and the kids and you know, just all the people that Loved him. I mean his celebration of life We wore mismatched socks because we had all this, you know coffee thing in our in our relationship We went and got like hundreds of coffee mugs from different Thrift stores and had them and had someone come bring coffee and everyone took one home and this is one of them.
And [00:49:00] so we call love that all mug or a hug in a mug or everyone's like I drink out of my Paul mug Still and people wear mismatched socks and they'll send me pictures so but there were just hundreds of people at that celebration of life and that to me is like amazing and it's not just because of Paul but it was because of like The, everyone that he reached and everyone that we reached together and like, so that's, I don't know.
That's just another amazing thing is like, even if you have one person who just comes alongside you, whether it be a prayer chain or like a neighbor or your mom or anything, what, what has been the biggest support for you and your journey?
Emily Jones: Oh, for me, My faith has probably been just like the bedrock of, uh, even driving home from the hospital, being told Nathan was brain dead.
I just had this repetitive thought in my mind, like, you are not alone. You are not alone. And I think it just helped me have that [00:50:00] faith that this is a bad thing that happened. I didn't know how it was possible that it happened, but I wasn't going to be alone. And. I thought a lot about the story of Job and all the things that he lost and even much more than what I lost, even though I felt like I lost my world and how much more he was blessed in the future.
So just this feeling of God doesn't permanently allow us, I think, to be set back or to have less or to not be as blessed as we were before, and so I couldn't even wrap my mind around. All I wanted was Nathan back was wanted him alive. So I, at that moment, I couldn't understand how it would be possible for me to laugh again, or to smile or to have joy, but I knew some way somehow that was going to be true.
my in laws are. I'm super, super close with them. They helped me a ton. I traveled, you know, 75 percent of the time for work. So they helped me a ton with the kids, with whatever I needed and just being that, I think, [00:51:00] listening ear. Um, so that was probably, those two things were probably the biggest support, um, things for me because I didn't want people at my house.
I didn't want anybody in my business. I didn't want people doing my laundry. I didn't want, like, I wanted to be alone and, um. I think maybe it's my introverted nature. I don't know, but, I think those 2 things. And then, as we talked about earlier, before we hopped on here, really setting boundaries and giving yourself grace to say, I'm used to being the person.
I'm a high achiever. I love to get stuff done. I'll do whatever it takes, but being able to step back and say. I need to give myself a break. Like I need to not be that person that has to take care of everyone else and do everything. Allowing myself to have that. Those were probably the three biggest things I think that really helped me, especially in those early days.
Laura Westdale: Yeah. Oh my word. Thank God for in laws. I mean, my in laws are the same way. They take the [00:52:00] kids for sleepovers and they're inviting us to everything and bringing us meals. They are just straight up a gift from God. And. That is amazing to have. It's, it's very, because it's family, you know, your family, no matter what.
And that has been a saving grace too. So I'm glad that that is something that you had in your journey and continue to have, I'm guessing. Oh, yeah.
Emily Jones: Yeah. I think we're even closer, you know, than we were before. And yeah. I know a lot of people don't get to experience that. Sometimes it's very much the opposite, which is mind boggling to me, but, um, that does happen.
And so like you, I recognize that it is a big blessing and I'm grateful for that. So, um, okay, Laura, I know we're coming up on time. So do you have any final thoughts or words of encouragement for other young widows out there that are listening to your
Laura Westdale: story? Yeah. So I really want, like, I really want.
young [00:53:00] widows who have little kids to know that it is, it is going to be okay somehow. I know like that seems like a really simple phrase. It just doesn't feel like it is in the beginning because you created this whole life in this family with this person and suddenly they're not there. So the inside jokes and everything is just only within you and within your memory.
Even the kids, if they're little enough, don't get to remember that. So keeping your person alive in so many different ways, if you can, and if it feels comfortable for you, that is. Something that has been an absolute joy to do with my kids and talk about, Oh my word, your daddy loved strawberries. And, uh, your daddy was really smart and knew a lot about history.
And I see that in you, just stuff like that. And, and asking, you know, telling them being a safe space for your kids to ask any questions, regardless of how old they are [00:54:00] and how far out it's been, like it's going to be okay, and it's going to be made okay because, because of you. And that's really hard to grasp when you feel like you're at your lowest and have no strength or will to, you know, even sometimes get out of bed or, or whatever it may be, but I just, I really, man, young widows with little kids.
And that's not just, I mean, any widow, any, any person losing their person, um, knowing that. It will be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it, and you'll come out the other side, maybe a little different, but so brave and so strong, and I'm only two years out, and I have so much more growth to do and so much more to learn, but hopefully we can In solidarity, like stick together and learn from each other.
And you're really a bridge and a gateway to doing that, Emily. So thank you so much. And thank you for having me. I appreciate it. And it's been an honor to share my [00:55:00] story and I hope I didn't ramble too much.
Emily Jones: No, you did a great job. And I think it's widows like you, Laura, that have that drive to give back, that have that drive to find a purpose through the pain.
Um, who helped make a difference for others who are struggling or who just need a little encouragement on their journey. This is a lifelong journey, really, that we're on now. And, um, I just love seeing your resilience and your faith and the gratitude that you have. So thank you for coming on the show and being willing to share your
Laura Westdale: story.
Of course. Thank you so much.
Emily Jones: Hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your heart, finding hope, or achieving your dreams for the future.
Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting [00:56:00] through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.
Inside you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn more.
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