BW 089: Healing Through Grief: Dr. Betsy Guerra's Faith Formula Unveiled
Mar 22, 2024
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Content warning: severe mental retardation, epilepsy , immersion in water, Death
Dr. Betsy Guerra is a bilingual psychotherapist, international speaker, author, and CEO of Better with Betsy and the Faith-Based Coaching Academy. Her organizations ignite faith, unlock greatness, and elevate humanity through her unique psycho-spiritual approach. Her private coaching, workshops, keynotes, and Life Coach Certification offered globally, empower faith-full individuals and corporations with resilience, elevated mindset, and fulfilling relationships that lead to purpose and joy. Join me in welcoming Dr. Betsy Guerra who will share today her Faith Formula, so we may transcend human potential.
Betsy's Recommendation:
- : Do not suppress, repress, escape your feelings because if not, you're inevitably deepening the emotion and prolonging it.
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Hire a coach that supports you through it, , speak to your to your family, the adults in your family. If a tear comes down when you're with your children, embrace it and give them permission to feel that way too.
- Set an intention.
- Make a decision. Decision comes from the word decidere, which means to remove all other possibilities. So when you decide, when you set an intention, you decide what's going to happen. I am going to be happy again. And I'm going to be the kind of person who honors her daughter through service, love, and gratitude.
- Bring purpose into your journey.
- Connects you to divine power.
Quote:
''They say that prayer doesn't change God's mind, it changes you and I'm a testament of that because I went from God do what I tell you, me telling God what to do''
''But if you've been through the experience of pain, there's nobody better than you to help heal others who are in pain, to help be compassionate and understand and empathize with them. So I believe deeply, deeply, in using In not wasting your pain and using it to serve others, to elevate others and to help those who you once were, because I feel that's what coaches do.''
''Coaches are most capacitated to support the people they once were.''
''Coaches are most capacitated to support the people they once were. Right. I think there's a lot of power in that. And I know the steps to get from point A to point B, let me support you in getting there. And when you have a coach like you, who has both the competence and the spiritual connection to divine wisdom, then that's an explosion of amazingness.''
So if you are on the fence of looking for guidance to get to a place of hope and joy, Emily's your person. Emily's been there done that. She has the competence and I know it because I trained her and my program is the best of the best. It's like a forget PhD. She got like beyond PhD in this program and she has God in her heart. So she's also guided as she guides the people that she serves.
‘’Pain strengthens us. It builds resilience, empathy, compassion. It makes you a better human. It, it, it just, it's amazing. elevates and strengthens you.’’
The Brave Widow Community is a place where you can connect with other widows, find hope and healing, and begin to dream again for the future. Learn more at bravewidow.com.
Hey guys, I’m Emily Jones
I was widowed at age 37, one month shy of our 20 year wedding anniversary. Nathan and I have four beautiful children together. My world was turned completely upside down when I lost him. With faith, community, and wisdom from others, I’ve been able to find hope, joy, and dream again for the future. I want to help others do the same, too!
FOLLOW me on SOCIAL:
Twitter | @brave_widow
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You can Find Betsy on:
https://www.instagram.com/
Link For Free Gift Or Offer (If Any): https://
Transcript:
Video
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Emily Jones: [00:00:00] Hey, hey, and welcome to episode number 89 of the Brave Widow Show. You guys, I am so excited on today's episode of the show I have with me, Dr. Betsy Guerra. And some of you may have recalled, I've mentioned Betsy multiple times through the course of my show and through some of my emails and things that I've shared.
Betsy has been my personal coach for over a year. She is the founder of the Faith Based Coaching Academy, where I went through a six month program of coach certification. And I cannot say enough good things about her as just an amazing individual. I learned about Betsy when she was on another podcast of a group that we were in.
And just from hearing her energy, hearing the story of how she lost her daughter and the grief that she experienced, [00:01:00] and just feeling the energy, the love, and the passion that she had, I knew immediately that I wanted to work with her. I learned that she had a life coach certification academy and that she really embraced all elements of psychology, coaching, counseling, and spirituality, which is really uncommon in the psychology and the counseling and the coaching space for spirituality and all those things to be really woven together.
But the more I learned about Betsy and her, her group, the more I knew I had to work with her. So. Without further ado, let me introduce you to Betsy. Dr. Betsy Guerra is a bilingual psychotherapist, international speaker, author, and CEO of Better with Betsy and the Faith Based Coaching Academy. For her organizations, ignite faith, unlock greatness, and elevate humanity [00:02:00] through her unique psycho spiritual approach.
Her private coaching, workshops, keynotes, and life coach certification offered globally empower faithful individuals and corporations with resilience. Elevated mindset and fulfilling relationships that lead to purpose and joy.
All right, let's dive into today's episode.
Hey, hey, welcome to another episode of the Brave Widow show. Today I am with Dr. Betsy Guerra. Betsy, welcome. I am so honored and privileged to have you on the podcast today.
Betsy Guerra: Thank you. Thank you. I am very excited to be here. So thank you for having me.
Emily Jones: Well, as I mentioned in the intro, Betsy is my personal coach and, uh, has an amazing life coaching program that I went through.
And one of the reasons that I was really drawn to her was in hearing her story and her journey of grief. So Betsy, we, [00:03:00] we know that you're not a widow, but you have had a very real exposure to grief. You are. You have so many things that, that go on in your professional life and your personal life, and I know people would love just to learn more about your story.
Betsy Guerra: Okay, I'll make it brief.
I'm
Betsy Guerra: I was the happiest woman on earth, the happiest woman on earth. I had the, my Prince charming and had two beautiful daughters and a, and a baby boy, I, I had a great career. I could be home with my, with my children. So like my career was like, like my hobby, I would call it. Cause I had, I popped out so many kids in such little amount of time that like going to work was like, yeah, the vacation.
So I had the life of my dreams. Until one Sunday, which started beautifully. I [00:04:00] remember in the morning being in the, in the living room and the hallway door flung open and my little daughter of almost three year, almost three year old daughter came out with her curly, crazy hair. And I would always, every morning I would like.
Go on one knee, open my arms and be like, good morning, beautiful. And she would come run to me, hug me. So like it started as a usual Sunday and with a whole lot of love and joy, there was a lot of love and joy in my house. And then in the afternoon we had a. A lot of people come over for a little pool party.
It was the end of the summer. We were about to start school for the first time. It was my oldest first year in pre k four. And we were also starting construction in the backyard. So we wanted to take advantage of the pool and we were [00:05:00] in the pool playing what we call the cheerleading game. I was holding my daughter's one on each shoulder and and then my husband would like.
You know, hold me up and we would do like a whole tower and, and, and it was, it was, we were having so much fun, such a beautiful time. And, and then suddenly at some point I'm, I'm talking to a friend in the pool. I'm in the pool that my, my, the kids with their friends are like on the, , on the corner, like just playing with like beach toys and playing with the water, but on the edge.
And suddenly. I'm in a conversation with a friend and she asks, where is Fofi? We called my almost three year old at the time, Fofi. And I felt like this like panic and I had no reason to feel panic because, because why? But, but. You know, like I, I, I was, I panicked when she said that, when she asked that and, and I looked everywhere and I looked for her [00:06:00] where all the other kids were and she wasn't there and I'm like, where is Fofi and, and I, and I, and I just scanned the entire area and, and then suddenly I looked next to me and there she was.
But at the bottom, so I like I went into the I dove into the water and I and I grabbed her and I clutched her against my chest and it was it was heavy. It was hard to come out of the water with the with the pressure of the water going against me and and I and I brought her out immediately and it must have been seconds.
It must have been seconds because I was right there with her and I and I put her outside on the edge and and and she had a pulse and I had a friend at my house who was uh, yeah. an emergency room doctor. That's how blessed I felt. Like I'm like, Oh my gosh, like it's everything's going to be okay. Like, so she came and she took her pulse and she gave her CPR and we called 911 and they got there, you know, within what felt like seconds.
And usually in a [00:07:00] time like that, it feels like forever, but they came immediately. And, and during that time where everything is happening so fast and so slow at the same time, I, I just prayed, I just prayed, and I, and I, and I just trusted God wholeheartedly that he would save my daughter because my faith was a lot bigger than a mustard seed.
So I'm like. You know, I know you're going to save her. And, and yet I was still begging. I was like, God, please save her, save her, please save her. God, you know, I'm raising her for you, God. And just knew he would, I knew he was going to save her. I knew I had confidence that he was going to save her. The doctor was there.
The, the, the ambulance came immediately. We got to the hospital within five minutes. It's really close to my house. The, the people in the, the emergency room, like in, in the, in the room. In the, in that room where she was being [00:08:00] cared for, they, I saw God in them. They were, they were treating her as if she were her daughter, their daughter.
Like,
I knew they were fighting for her life and I just prayed and prayed and prayed and and at some point. I asked God to give me something that I could repeat in prayer without having to think because I couldn't think anymore. And the prayer that came to me was I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
And I thought, no, that means she's not going to make it. So like, no Betsy, that's lack of faith. No, no, no scratch that. Just kidding. Like, please God save her, save her God, please save her. And then suddenly I see a monitor and in the monitor, there's a straight line. And, and I, I don't know what that means, but I've seen movies and I'm like, is, is, is that a flatline?
Like what they're doing? Are [00:09:00] they just trying to revive her? Like I was, I was like, no, no, no, no, no. So then I'm like, okay, be specific, be specific when you pray. God, make her heartbeat, make her heartbeat. God, make her heartbeat. And I just, I just begged and screamed and prayed and relentlessly. Cause I was so scared that I would stop for a second.
And that be interpreted as lack of faith. And then I had another moment where I thought, you know, God could make her heart beat, but she may not be the Fofi that, you know, and the reason I thought that, or, well, now I know there was a bigger reason, but when I thought that I thought about my sister, my sister has severe mental retardation and epilepsy see him.
All sorts of challenges because when she was little, she, she had a, she had [00:10:00] rubella and she had a, a seizure convulsions and, and, and a very high fever that then evolved into a coma and she was supposed to die and she made it, but she was a miracle, right? Like, but she made it with a lot of brain damage.
And it was hard growing up with, with a sister who had special needs and, you know, for parents of kids with special needs, it's, it's hard. It's, it's painful. There's challenges. And I, and I had prayed so wholeheartedly for healthy children that I thought like, Oh, you know, she could come back, but it may not be the one, you know, and I was like, I don't care.
I don't care. And it was almost like at that point, I understood my parents. in a way that I never had been able to connect with them. I was like, they, they would always say that my sister was a blessing from God and a miracle and all these beautiful things. And, and I didn't understood, I [00:11:00] didn't understand how they thought that it was a blessing for her to have special needs, but now I realized it was that they, they were reframing the, the special needs part and focusing on the miracle that her life is.
And I experienced that at that moment. I'm like, I don't care. Like, I don't care. I'm going to love her the same. I'm like, just make her heart beat. Just let me keep my daughter with me. Make her heartbeat and the monitor was still flat. And I, the doctors kept on trying and kept on working on her. And, and, and everything was like fast and slow and a blur and clear and.
It was, it was everything at the same time and then as I continue to pray, they say that prayer doesn't change God's mind, it changes you and I'm a testament of that because I went [00:12:00] from God do what I tell you, me telling God what to do, to let it be your will and I, I don't remember saying those words, but they came out of my mouth.
I remember like praying and like, please make her heartbeat, make her heartbeat, make her heartbeat. And then, but let her, but let it be your will. And I try to say like super quick so that he wouldn't hear it. I still want it when I want it. And, and then ultimately the third thing that happened at that moment was my body did this, I didn't.
I don't, I feel like I understood at that moment, like the difference between
who we are, which is not our body, not our thoughts, not our emotions, because everything was very compromised at that moment. But, but I, it was almost like an out of body experience where like my spirit was watching my body. And, and I, I saw my body physically surrender.
Like I fell on my knees next to the stretcher of [00:13:00] my, of my daughter's body. And I started singing to myself a song that I called like a hope song and that I used to sing to a friend who was going through really difficult times. I can't sing for my life, but that was a song that like kind of like came out nicely out of my mouth.
So I also even, I even, I even sang it as a lullaby to my daughters and it was a song of hope. And the song said, it's, it's a Spanish song. It said something along the lines of soon the night will pass with its terror and the light will illuminate your heart. You know, the sunlight will illuminate your heart.
Fear not, soon the, soon the sun will also brighten up your heart. Something like that, right? Like it's, it's celestial song is what it's called in Spanish. And As I found myself [00:14:00] singing that song to myself, I knew God was not going to save my daughter the way I wanted her to be saved. He was going to save her, but in a very different way.
And I surrendered and I, I just knew I knew and the doctors continued after that and I remember my husband saying, baby, this is going to work. This is going to work. And he would talk to him. He would say, like, you're strong. My love, you're strong. You got this. You can do this. And he would, you know, reach out to me and tell me like, baby, they're trying something new and this is going to and at that point, I felt more pain witnessing my husband.
experience hope than about losing my daughter because I, I just, I just knew. So that didn't make my daughter's heartbeat and mine was threatened of stopping too because when you lose someone [00:15:00] so dear to you and, and I know you know what I'm talking about, you think you're gonna die.
You, you, you don't think, you don't think you can live. Without that person, much less. ever be happy again, find joy again, find love again. And, and I stopped being the happiest woman on earth for a while there. But I, but I, I soon had hope the next day. So the next, so that night I left the hospital without my daughter, felt like I was abandoning her.
I, needless to say, I couldn't fall asleep and then somehow the exhaustion beat me and I did fall asleep and next thing I know is I, I was rocking back and forth like a deranged woman wanting to rip my head off like [00:16:00] literally like I was trying to rip my head off because I could not bear Reality. I couldn't, I couldn't bear the thoughts of, is this really happening?
Like this is, this is really happening. I, I, I, I didn't think, I didn't think I could stay in touch with reality. And for the first time in my life, even though I had been, I had been a, a psychologist for, I don't know, 13 years at the time. For the first time I understood. Why people go crazy.
There are times in life that reality is so excruciating that staying in contact with it, would just, just would kill you. So then the mind is, does the next best thing is like, let me keep you alive, but then let me have you lose your mind, like your, your sanity. And that's why denial is the first part of, of grief.
It's so to [00:17:00] protect us. It's like, if we're able to say like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That cannot be, if you're able to, quote unquote, deny it, then, then you give your, your psyche time to, to process and to, to connect with like reality so that then you may accept it. But after that moment of deep darkness, deep darkness, deep hopelessness, I, you know, God himself came floating through the air.
That's just how I visualize him in the form of my husband showed up in the literally held me up and carried me back to the bed. So he, he interrupted that moment of deep despair and saved me, literally saved me. And the next morning while we were hiding in our walking closet [00:18:00] from all the people who were visiting and loving on us, I welcomed the priest, who baptized my children.
Like he was our pastor and, and someone I love dearly and respected deeply. And he came and sat with us. He's, he's a teddy bear, like a, he's an older man with like so much love, compassion and sweetness. And he sat with us on the walk in closet and he, my husband asked him, father, is it possible to be happy again?
You've seen this before. Can we like, can we be happy again? And he said, some people are, and some people are never happy again. And my husband asked, what's the difference? And he said, the people who are never happy again, believe that the more they love, the more they must suffer. They honor their loved ones through suffering, so they can't give themselves permission to stop grieving.
They'll, they'll stop loving if they stop grieving [00:19:00] according to their mindset. And the people who are happy again, are those who choose to honor their loved ones in a different way, through love, gratitude, service. And at that moment, Emily, I chose to be like the latter people, like those who honor through love, service, gratitude.
And I know this in hindsight, I obviously didn't make that decision knowingly, but I remember thinking if it's possible for them, then it'll be possible for me. And I choose that. I choose that route. Of course, I got up from the floor and as soon as I saw myself in the mirror, I was the same miserable, grieving,
homo suicidal person who had lost her daughter or who couldn't have, who couldn't keep her daughter alive because that's, that was one of the things that, that I felt, but the intention, [00:20:00] the decision of being happy again, me.
Marked me forever because although it didn't take effect immediately, it, it, it marked and it, and it created my, my. My way, my, my, my trail, like I, I knew what, what my, what my destination was. It was just a matter of being guided to it because I sure as heck did not know how I was ever going to be happy again, but, but I made the decision.
And then that's where my psycho spiritual approach that I taught you and everybody else in our, in the Coaching Academy came into place. That's, that's when I, I used to always sprinkle spirituality into my work, psychology work. But after having been a client to myself, I realized that psychology is fantastic and very powerful.
[00:21:00] And there's no psychology in the world, no doctorate in the world that can Get you through the loss of your child, your spouse. It's just, there's just no psychology that I needed faith. And that's why I incorporated faith and faith and the infinite divine wisdom, which we all have within. And if you believe in God, then, you know, that Holy Spirit within, if you believe in the universe, then your intuition, your enlightenment, your highest self, the, the spirit or the soul within you is what guides you to.
Your destination, but you're the decision is yours. You choose. Are you going to be the forever grieving wife, widow, or are you going to be the woman who honors her beloved through service, gratitude and love? Which I witnessed in you, Emily. I, I witnessed that in you and because you've [00:22:00] been able to bring so much hope to, to those who have been in your shoes or to, to those who you once were, you, you are that priest, what that priest was to me, to other people.
You are that hope, that light. If Emily was able to rise above losing her husband unexpectedly, if Emily was able to fall in love again, if Emily was able to support her children, if Emily was able to build a business while supporting her children, overcoming her grief, like living life, paying the bills, like then so can I.
And I think there's so much power and it's our duty and responsibility to do that for humanity.
Emily Jones: Yeah, I, yeah, I, I completely agree. And thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing that part of your story. Um, I think It's so important for people to come to that point where they make a decision of, I [00:23:00] don't know how it's possible to be happy again.
I don't know how I can ever get to a point where I don't want to die every day, but I believe it is possible some way, somehow to get there. And to your point, we work with so many widows and people that just tell themselves every day, it's not possible, it can't happen. I could never, I, I judge other people because I don't understand how they could love their person and laugh or try to go out or try to rebuild a life.
And I'm in isolation and resentment because a person I loved in my mind was taken away from me. But to me, what I try to explain to people is exactly what you said. It starts with that first step of saying, I don't know how to get over there to that next point, but I do believe that other people have done it and I can do it too.
And so I'm going to be able to find a way [00:24:00] to get there or to lean on resources to help guide me there. I think that's a really important step in the healing process.
Betsy Guerra: Absolutely. Absolutely. To be guided. And, you know, I speak about guidance from infinite wisdom from God, but we get to be guided by coaches like you, right?
Like, because nobody better than you knows how to do this. No psychology, psychologists in the world. And this is coming from the person who has the PhD in psychology. I hire coaches, Emily. I don't hire therapists. I hire coaches because therapists chose their careers, nothing against them because I'm one of them too.
Therapists chose their careers and they learned things in books and there's, there's power in that. That's why I teach it. There's a lot of power in having the competence and the understanding of theories and skills and tools, but there's power in having been there, done that. Coaches are chosen. They've walked the [00:25:00] talk, they've done the work, they've embodied what we've learned in books, and then they have, like you, the opportunity to go and, and put the name to the experience.
But if you've been through the experience of pain, there's nobody better than you to help heal others who are in pain, to help be compassionate and understand and empathize with them. So I believe deeply, deeply, in using In not wasting your pain and using it to serve others, to elevate others and to help those who you once were, because I feel that's what coaches do.
Coaches are most capacitated to support the people they once were. Right. I think there's a lot of power in that. And I know the steps to get from point A to point B, let me support you in getting there. And when you have a coach like you, who has both the competence and the spiritual connection to divine wisdom, then that's an explosion of amazingness.
So [00:26:00] if you are on the fence of looking for guidance to get to a place of hope and joy, Emily's your person. Emily's been there done that. She has the competence and I know it because I trained her and my program is the best of the best. It's like a forget PhD. She got like beyond PhD in this program and she has God in her heart.
So she's also guided as she guides the people that she serves. So thank you. Thank you, Emily.
Emily Jones: Thank you for your kind words and, you know, I, I think you're so right in saying that not only have coaches been there done that, but coaches help create an environment of what they wish they would have had, what resources they, they wanted, you know, what guide they wish would have been in place for them at the time.
And maybe to an extent it was there, they just didn't know where to look. But a lot of times these things are born out of a desire for. What I wish I would have [00:27:00] experienced or had or what connection that I wanted to be there. So here you are and. You know, I've known you now it's had to be almost 18 months, maybe a little over a year, um, which is amazing in and of itself, but you know, Betsy, for people that don't know you, you are just like a fireball of energy and passion.
And you are a woman that just does. All the things like I was, I was talking with someone the other day and I'm like, no, you don't understand. She, she does all these workshops and she helps teens and she's helped couples and she, you know, has a coaching academy and she had her own private practice and you know, all of these things together.
So I think about you who naturally just lives life at 90 miles an hour, it seems, and you have a big family and you have a lot of vivacious energy. And all of a sudden, you're brought to your knees because you've lost your, your beautiful child. [00:28:00] How, how do you even pick up the pieces to, you know, you're looking at things like work and your professional life.
You have young children who are grieving, a spouse that's grieving, you're trying to grieve. How do you juggle it all? What advice would you give to, uh, you know, a widow who's. Asking themselves the same question of how do I even take the next step forward?
Betsy Guerra: That is a wonderful question, Emily. And I'd say, I, I'd say we start with feeling, feeling the feels.
And what that means is oftentimes when we experience something like this and we're a family leader, we're like, no, I have to be strong for everybody else. Yes, and? Yes, and feeling is healing. Feeling is healing. So if you allow yourself [00:29:00] to feel, you're going to be healing, which is going to re energize and refill that adaptation energy that you're continually like it.
Depleting with your grief. So the intention of grief, grief, pain is, is the path, never the destination, right? So, so grief is the path, the process through which we heal. So we may arrive at our destination of joy, peace, greatness, which is what we were created for. So whenever something as painful as losing your spouse happens, the first thing we get to tap into is.
Connect with your feelings and give yourself permission to cry, to crawl up in a ball and cry in bed. Give yourself permission to, to be angry, to feel guilty, to, to just, just feel all the feels, because in the measure that you hold back and you [00:30:00] try to, I gotta be strong, uh, strong, and you try to repress and suppress them, what you're doing is you're deepening your pain and prolonging it Now.
There's a, a weird balance in, in the experience of a family leader, especially when you lose a spouse and, and people say like, Oh, yours is the worst pain. And I. Thank you for the compassion and empathy and I completely disagree because if I, when I think of losing my husband, even though I've already gone through the pain, the excruciating pain of losing a child, I, I, I don't know, I, I, I just, I just can't even fathom what that would look like because.
Yes, it was excruciating, but I had my husband to grieve with, uh, to, to bounce ideas off of, to discuss things that I couldn't think about because I, I wasn't, [00:31:00] I, I wasn't operating at my 100 cap cap percent capacity. When you're grieving, grief is taking a lot of energy from you, so you're operating at a 70% and that's what you're, that's why your, your 100 is at the time, or you're operating at a 30% and that's your 100 at the time.
But I had him too, like. Support me. The thought of losing your spouse and having, not having that support and thinking like your children are your 100 percent responsibility and whatever decision you make, whatever thing you screw up, it was all you. You know, that's hard. When you don't have your full capacity to, to make wise decisions because you're compromised with grief, you're, you're, you don't have the energy and the wisdom that you typically experience on a, on a regular day where there's peace in your life.
And. Allowing yourself to feel while [00:32:00] maintaining a balance of quote unquote, be strong for your Children can't be hard. And I have to tell you a lot of people when I used to have a grief program, and a lot of people would tell me. I'm not ready yet. It's too raw. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're ready. Like this is, this is for you right now, because right now is when you need the support to allow yourself to feel, and I'll provide you that space while still supporting you in making those decisions that are going to impact the rest of your life and your family life, but, but that you don't necessarily have the wisdom to make right now.
So. For those who are experiencing this kind of grief and they think like, no, it's too raw and I have to focus on my kids first and I don't have time right now because I have to deal with other more important things like I invite you to consider this is your time to call Emily and ask for support [00:33:00] because Because this is the time that we're most vulnerable and that we make the most mistakes, that we hurt our kids, you know, there's, there's this, I always knew from my line of business that there were, there was a thing called surviving child syndrome where, like, the kid who survived experienced a lot of trauma.
Additional grief, right? Like a compounded grief because now their parent is absent. They feel like, oh, you know, I have to die for my dad and my mom to love me and think of me because all they think about is my deceased sibling. I knew all those things from having served people who had experienced this last kind of loss before.
So I had made a decision. That I was not going to be that mom, that I was going to be present for my children. And that was my quote unquote, being strong, right? Like that's what it looked like, that I was not willing to forget and neglect my other children and [00:34:00] my husband. I was not willing to do that. It was the decision I made.
So for that, I got to show up, right. And, and sometimes I didn't want to, sometimes it was all my energy was going towards get out of bed today. And I was still breastfeeding my, my, my son. So wait, I have to be responsible for this little creature. Like I, I have to feed him. I have to bathe him. I have to put him to sleep.
I have to care for him. I didn't even know that I could care for myself, but I was, I was intentionally going to, I had decided it. There was, there was no other, no other way. And then allowing myself to feel when my son was napping, allowing myself to feel when my husband was at work and I, you know, I was, it was the morning and I was home alone, allowing myself to feel in the middle of the night when nightmares would [00:35:00] wake me up, allowing myself to feel on the I went back to work three weeks later because I didn't, I didn't want to abandon my clients and I had this.
strong sense of purpose and responsibility with them. I, I would just, I would cry and scream and fight with God, especially, and, and complain and feel guilty and, and, and want to blame other people and, and all the feels and feel envy for those who still had their kids alive. And I, I allowed myself to feel it all.
If you read in my book, I'm very real and raw about it. And, and I, I just, I felt, I felt. And feeling is healing. We, we judge feelings as if they were bad. They simply are. They're, they're here and they're here to support you. They're here to flow through us so that we can heal it and get rid of it. That's, that's, it's like food, right?
Like feelings are like food. You eat food, you chew, you chew it, you swallow, you process [00:36:00] and digest it. You let it go and the same is true with emotions. Emotions are experienced. You sit with them. You swallow them like, you know, you're like, okay, this is really welcome them. Then you process them. You alchemize them, right?
Like you, you cry, you convert it into to energy. You, you release it. And then you let it go. You let it go, you poop it. I always say that pain is like fertilizer, a fertilizer. What are fertilizers made of? Poop. Pain, like fertilizers, feel like crap. They stink like, it stinks like it. You don't want it, you want to get rid of it.
But fertilizers They stink. They're made of poop. But they help plants grow. They nurture them. They help them create fruit and flowers. And same is true with us. Pain strengthens us. It builds resilience, empathy, [00:37:00] compassion. It makes you a better human. It, it, it just, it's amazing. elevates and strengthens you.
So knowing that pain is a fertilizer allows you to welcome and feel it with intention and without wanting to let go of it or push it away. Feeling is healing. So step one of being able to do all the things you do as a leader of a home and as a mom Is feel, do not suppress, repress, escape your feelings because if not, you're inevitably deepening the emotion and prolonging it.
And that could evolve into a compounded grief, into mental health illnesses, also, you know, mental, mental, um, mental illnesses. It's just, it's, it's going to worsen the situation for everybody. And then you can also even build resentment for the people that you were strung towards. And it's just not [00:38:00] worth it.
It's not worth it. So the first step to being able to do all that you do is feel, because in the measure that you feel, you heal and you strengthen. And that's not to say that you're going to be crying in front of your kids and like having them take care of you and, you know,
being a hot mess. In the eyes of your Children, be a hot mess by all means have pity parties tantrums, like all of it embracing and be intentional about it when, where and with whom hire a coach that supports you through it, um, speak to your to your family, the adults in your family. If a tear comes down when you're with your children, embrace it and give them permission to feel that way too.
So I'm not saying don't, don't cry in front of your kids. Don't feel in front of your kids, but be intention about reserving the, those, those [00:39:00] extreme moments of healing
for
a safer place so that they don't feel the need to, to care for you. So that would be the first thing. Then I would say, set an intention.
When, when, so when you set an intention, three things happen. Number one, you make a decision. Decision comes from the word decidere, which means to remove all other possibilities. So when you decide, when you set an intention, you decide what's going to happen. I am going to be happy again. And I'm going to be the kind of person who honors her daughter through service, love, and gratitude.
That was a decision I made. I set an intention. Of how it was going to look, how I was going to, going to go through this grief. And when I said that intention, I decided the destination. There was, there's just no other place I'm going to get to. Cause it's like turning on the GPS, setting the destination.
You're going to get there. How you get [00:40:00] there. That's not up to you. That's not up to me, but where are you going to get there? You choose. I mean, where are you going to get to you choose? So you set an intention and you make a decision. Number one, number two, you bring purpose into your journey, because if I am, if I am going to be happy again, if I am going to honor my daughter through love service and gratitude, when I go back to work and see my clients, I am not going back to work.
I am honoring my daughter through service. When I am doing the dishes. I am honoring my daughter through service towards my family by taking care of them and loving on them. And, you know, that was another intention that I set. I am not going to neglect my family. I'm not going to neglect my marriage, my husband.
I'm not going to neglect my children. So when you set an intention, then you remove all other possibilities. Decision and now you have purpose in everything you do. [00:41:00] So what you're doing is meaningful. It's not just a task. It's so there's more motivation. There's more inspiration to get to to push through.
Even when your energy, your adaptation energy, your ability to cope moment by moment is so limited because when you're grieving like pain is self centered and it just like it depletes your energy. It's like they once set off for itself. Healing takes a lot of effort. So setting the intention brings purpose and gets you out of bed to breastfeed.
When what you want to do is just stay there depressed for ever. And then number three, when you set an intention, it also connects you to divine power. When you set an intention, what you're doing is entering in your GPS. People think it's global positioning system, but it's God positioning system, right?
Cause [00:42:00] when you enter in information in the GPS, God is guiding you in life. Well, when you set an intention, you're telling God, God, this is where I want to get to. And he respects our free will. So, and he's a, he's a, yes, God, he just wants to like, please us and love on us, especially when it's good for us.
So, if we set a destination that is in alignment with the greatness that he has in store for us, which always leads to joy and healing. Then he's like, let's do it. Let me take you there. And essentially what you're doing when you set the intention is turn on the GPS, which is the equivalent of opening up to the presence and action of God within you.
When you have God inside of you, well, you always have got inside of you or Whatever you think that is, you know, your soul, your spirit, your enlightenment, your highest self, like we all have it, it's just opening up to, to accept it and, and, and allow it [00:43:00] to guide us. So by setting an intention, you, you turn on the superpower of divine guidance.
You cannot fail. So that decision you have to make about whether or not you sell your house 'cause you don't know that you can afford it. If you're guided divinely by your superpower of that highest self within you, the God within you, then you can't fail. You don't know the future. You don't know if it's gonna be a good card or bad card, but God, God does.
The God within you does. So when you tap into that when you set the intention and you let that guide you, you cannot fail. Success is inevitable. So those decisions you have to make. Do I sell the house? Do I sell the company? Do I change my kids to another school? Do I, you know, Do I cry in front of my kids?
Why not? Do I take them to the therapist? I take them to a coach. What therapist or coach do I take them to do what? What do I, you know, there's so many [00:44:00] questions that we don't have an answer to. Like, what do I do with with the money that was left? Do I invest it? Who do I hire? Like, you know, what attorney do I talk to?
What financial advisor do I talk to? Like, There, there's so many things, so many decisions to make that we don't have the capacity, the mental capacity to engage with. That if we set the intention, the divine wisdom within us will guide us. And the way it guides us is through peace. You surrender it and you let, you tell God, like, or, you know, your highest self, you tell it like, Hey, what's, what should I do about the school?
And then you wait. And sometimes it comes in the form of someone saying something, a message, a post on Instagram, um, a coincidence, but it'll come, the message will come. Maybe it's a thought, maybe it's something you received in your intuition, but you receive answers. It's super [00:45:00] powerful. Setting an intention and having clarity of the North Star, the final destination, you know, it's super powerful.
Being happy again, continuing to have a family that was rooted in faith and joy and love was a thing that I desired deeply. And by setting my intention of honoring my daughter through love, service, gratitude, and never neglecting, but rather continuing to honor also my surviving family, I just I just decided there was no other possibility except to honor my my loving family.
I created purpose. So I got out of bed every single day with a whole lot of love. And I showed up to work wholeheartedly crying on the way to work. But when I was there, I was fully present with purpose. And then number three, I I had this superpower that I didn't think I had. I, I, I look back at myself and as I'm sure you do with [00:46:00] yourself, like, Wow, I did all that while falling apart?
And you hear people say like, You're so strong. I can't believe you can do this. And you want to be like, you know, screw you. What do you mean I'm strong? I'm strong because I lost my child? Screw you. I'd rather not be strong in your eyes and get her back. But what, what they saw. Is what became a non negotiable for us, but that is not necessarily a non negotiable for the rest of the world.
I understood later on what, what they were seeing was the God within me pushing through, being able to do all the things that need to be done, despite my human capabilities, so that intention. And then be guided.
Emily Jones: I love it. You've just shared so much good information [00:47:00] for our audience today. So thank you for coming and being on the show.
And I'm glad I'm super happy that people in the audience are getting even just a small taste of what it's been like to work with you, to learn from you. And. To just be in this amazing presence of, as you mentioned, competence and passion and divine guidance. Um, I know it's been an amazing experience for me and I'm, I know for the audience that has been as well.
So thank you so much, Betsy, for coming on the show.
Betsy Guerra: Thank you for having me and big up to everybody.
Emily Jones: Wow. What an amazing episode with Betsy. You can see even just with a glimpse, how amazing she is with her passion, her compassion for other people, her energy and her authenticity and how that comes through. I've learned so much from her in the past 18 months going on two years [00:48:00] that I've had the privilege of knowing and working with Betsy and you can see how much value she has to offer, even in just the container of one show episode.
I also, before we go, wanted to tell you about an upcoming webinar that I'm hosting on April 16th, and that will be at 11 a. m. Central Time. It's on a Tuesday. I'm hosting the Getting Unstuck from Grief webinar, and I would love for you to join us. It's a free event. Live to the public, and I'm also going to be talking about an upcoming eight week session that I'm starting at the end of April, where I am going to walk a group through the grief recovery method.
Now, the grief recovery method is the only. Evidence based grief recovery program in the entire world. It's a program that I went through and it finally, finally [00:49:00] freed me of the guilt, of regret, of things that were left unsaid, of feeling like there were all these unclosed loops in my relationship with Nathan.
And it is. radically changed how I was feeling with grief and guilt and all of those things. I felt incredibly free and so much lighter than when I went into that program. So join us for the webinar on April 16th at 11 a. m. and I'm going to share with you some myths about grief. We're going to talk about getting unstuck and then I'm going to introduce the eight week program on the grief recovery method and I would love for you to join me.
You can learn more by going to brave widow.com/grief, G-R-I-E-F to sign up for the webinar and to learn more. Hope to see you there.
[00:50:00]
Emily Jones: Hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your heart, finding hope, or achieving your dreams for the future.
Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.
Inside you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn [00:51:00] more.
