BW 111: What's Next Webinar Replay + Announcing the Brave Widow Mastermind
Aug 20, 2024[TRANSCRIPT BELOW]
Emily shares the transformative journey of turning grief into growth, detailing the four stages of widowhood: Devastation, Desperation, Exploration, and Creation. Listeners will discover actionable steps for each stage, learn about the importance of building a support system, and gain insights into how to cultivate a new life full of meaning and purpose.
00:06 Unveiling the Brave Widow Mastermind
01:27 Program Details and Benefits
03:41 Replay of the 'What's Next' Webinar
05:07 Interactive Session and Prayer
09:03 Understanding the Four Stages of Widowhood
17:25 Personal Story and Overcoming Grief
25:32 Positive Changes and New Beginnings
29:33 Stage One: Devastation
40:26 Stage Two: Desperation
54:50 Rebuilding a New Life
55:07 Navigating Relationships Post-Loss
56:17 Exploration Phase: Living in Discovery Mode
56:50 Facing the Reality of a New Life
58:51 Overcoming Mind Drama and Guilt
59:25 Taking Baby Steps Towards New Interests
01:05:34 Building Confidence Through Action
01:12:21 Manifesting Your Future Self
01:18:23 Creating a Supportive Social Circle
01:26:32 Introducing the Brave Widow Mastermind
Sign up for the Brave Widow Mastermind here: https://www.bravewidow.com/mastermind
Welcome and IntroductionsIntroduction to the Brave Widow Show
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[00:00:00] Emily: Hey, hey, and welcome to episode number 111 of the Brave Widow Show.
Unveiling the Brave Widow Mastermind
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[00:00:06] Emily: Guys, I am so excited because this week the doors to the Brave Widow Mastermind are open
for the first time ever, I have created a program that over the course of six months. This is going to take you from chaos and overwhelm to calm and routine.
From doubting yourself and second guessing every decision to building confidence in yourself, confidence in your ability to make decisions, and confidence in your ability to do new things.
We are going to help you discover purpose and meaning in your life once again.
You will learn how to develop and nurture new relationships while implementing healthy boundaries and standards that meet your expectations.
We are going to get you unstuck and moving forward. And to prove it, we're going to track your progress every single week so that you can actually see the results for yourself.
The tools and strategies I'm going to share with you have worked for every single coaching client that I have. And I know they're going to work for you too. By tracking your progress, we are going to visually show you the results that you get from this new program.
Program Details and Benefits
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[00:01:27] Emily: This week, only the doors to the Brave Widow Mastermind are open, and we start on Monday, August 26th.
The Brave Widow Mastermind is a six month group coaching container where every week for two hours, I will coach, you all as a group. And equip you with the tools and strategies that you need to actually be able to move forward. This is a high touch VIP group coaching program where I will monitor your progress throughout the program and give you feedback.
intervene when necessary and help make sure that you have the support you need to get the results that you actually want.
In the Brave Widow community, we had a very a la carte approach. We have courses and workshops and forums and ways for widows to go in and pick and choose different things that they want. On the other hand, I also have been providing one on one intense deep work coaching services.
So Brave Widow Mastermind really comes to the middle and provides a more structured approach to take a widow through the various stages of widowhood, to get unstuck, to move forward, and to actually be able to start creating a life that you love again, post loss, I have thoughtfully mapped out all of the systems, the tools, the strategies, the systems that I used to help myself, the systems that I have used to help my one on one coaching clients, and the things that I know are going to equip.
Empower and support you to be able to do the same.
How to Join and Consultations
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[00:03:07] Emily: To learn more and to join the Mastermind, go to BraveWidow. com slash Mastermind. Or go to BraveWidow. com. There on the homepage, there is a link right at the top. You can learn more and sign up. And if you're not sure if the Brave Widow Mastermind is right for you, there's a link to schedule a free 30 minute consult call with me.
Whether or not you decide to join the Mastermind, I'm happy to provide the value to you and to help you personally decide what step you're going to take to move forward next in your journey.
Replay of the 'What's Next' Webinar
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[00:03:41] Emily: Today's podcast is going to be a little bit different because today I held the what's next webinar. What's next is often a question and really a sentiment that I get from a lot of widows that come to me.
Maybe they've tried therapy, they've tried podcasts, they've tried books, they've tried grief share, they've tried groups, they've tried different things and to an extent it has helped, but they still feel stuck in having direction. In clarity, in knowing what is next, what do I need to do to move forward?
So the purpose of this replay is to share with you a replay from the What's Next webinar that we had on Monday, August 19th. If you did not join us or you have not watched the replay, you are missing out. For the first time ever, I share my version of the four stages of widowhood.
It's not perfect, it's not articulated perfectly, but it's a good foundation and understanding where most widows come to me at in various stages and specific recommendations on next steps that I have for people in those different stages and
mindset. I hope you enjoy the replay today and I hope to see you in the Brave Widow Mastermind on Monday, August 26th. Let's go.
. Welcome to the brave widow show where we help widows find hope, heal their heart and dream again for the future. I'm your host, Emily Tanner. I help widows discover the next steps they need to take to get unstuck and move forward. After losing my husband of 20 years, I finally learned how to create a life that I love again, and I've made it my mission to help other widows do the same. Join me in the brave widow mastermind and get started today.
Learn more at bravewidow.com
Interactive Session and Prayer
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[00:05:44] Emily: Hello, everybody. How are you as you join? Oh, so good to see everybody. Okay, can you hear me? If you could type in the chat, that would be amazing if you can hear me. Okay. Thank you, Debbie. Awesome. Okay. So if you will type in the chat where you are connecting from, that would be awesome.
And sorry, I'm going to adjust my screen here. So hopefully it's not too distracting. I've got this big microphone, which is not beautiful, but functional and makes the audio typically about 10 times better. So
yeah, Wisconsin should be nicest time of year. My friend lives there. Near Wapaka, Patty from Pennsylvania and Amanda. Good to see you, Allison. Always good to see you. Ivanka and G. Dave. Welcome. Welcome. And, um, I know that we have several folks. We had, um, close to 40 people sign up for this event, which is amazing.
And, um, so for those of you that are watching the replay. Uh, please know that I'm thinking of you and want to say hi and welcome to you too and, uh, I know there are a couple folks that can't be here for unfortunate events and things that happen and I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and, um, and praying for you and, um, Glad that we're able to do the replay.
So you're able to catch up with some of the info. So, okay.
Starting with a Prayer
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[00:07:46] Emily: I am going to get started with a prayer for those of you that don't know me. I am a faith based person and I like to try to start, uh, each session off with a prayer and I tend to ask for a lot of wisdom and clarity, um, just because I need that in my daily life.
So we'll get started. Uh, Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for our time together. Thank you for, um, the folks that are able to join today and those that will be able to watch the replay and the ways that I may be able to help support and serve the folks who are here. And I do ask for wisdom and clarity as we spend time together over these next couple of hours.
And as I share ways that. widows may be able to, um, improve their lives and improve their impact for you in Jesus name. Amen. All right. Well, welcome. I do have a little bit of a cough, so I'm going to try not to cough in your ear the whole, whole two hours that we are together, but I am so excited to share this, uh, presentation with you on what's next.
Understanding the Four Stages of Widowhood
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[00:08:59] Emily: And the reason I call it what's next and the reason why this content even came together As I really started looking at the common themes and the common areas where widows are coming to me, they're reaching out, they're asking questions. One of the most common questions or problems that they come to me with is this feeling of.
Well, what's next? Like, what do I do now? I did the therapy, I've read the books, I've listened to the podcast, I've watched videos, and maybe in some ways I do feel a little better, but I'm still just not clear, like, what's next? How do I move forward?
Understanding the Four Stages of Widowhood
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[00:09:40] Emily: And so, Um, you all are going to be the first audience ever where I am going to share the four stages of widowhood.
And this is something that I've really compiled after spending the last two years working with widows, um, in where they are. And where they want to be and how I view some of those stages. And this isn't to put anyone in a box. This isn't to put anyone in a category. It's just, as I look at the trends and the themes, some of the things that stick out to me, so it's not going to be perfect.
It might be a little bit messy, but I'm here for it. And I feel like progress. Trump's perfection every time. So I'm excited to share that today. So what we're going to cover today in our two hours together is, uh, I'm just going to go through like what to expect for today's discussion. I'll give a quick introduction of my background and myself for those of you who have never met me, don't know me.
I'm going to walk through the four stages of widowhood and what next steps I would recommend to someone who is in one of those stages. And my goal today is for this to be a valuable discussion and presentation for you. So, as we go through each of the stages, if something resonates with you, put it in the chat.
If you don't want to send a message to everyone, if you don't want to send a message to everyone, there's an option in the chat to send A message just to the host and panelist and you can pick that option and I will see it and I will keep your name a secret. Um, but feel free to put, oh yeah, that's me or yes, or, oh, I resonate with this so much.
Um, and it just kind of lets me know where people are as we move through the discussion and I might be able to give you a little more insight.
Introducing the Brave Widow Mastermind
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[00:11:34] Emily: As we go through the different stages and next steps, and then if it's okay with you, I would like to invite you to a brand new program that I have created called the Brave Widow Mastermind.
It's a six month high touch group coaching program for people where maybe one on one coaching isn't as accessible to you. Maybe time is a challenge or a constraint for you, but you really are wanting more structure, more support and accountability as you move forward. So are you guys okay if I tell you about that after we go through the four stages and invite you to join me there?
You can let me know in the chat. That'll be great. Yes. Thank you. Awesome. And, um, I also have a fast action bonus for people that join this week, which I'm excited to share some fun stuff that I've got up my sleeves here. So, um, I cannot share everything I have learned over these past three years about What's next?
The next steps in moving forward in two hours. It would be impossible even if I just dumped my entire brain. I can't share everything in two hours, but I'm going to share with you As simply as possible, everything I've learned that's boiled down and give you at least one, two, three takeaways that you can start implementing so that you walk away with value from having joined me today or from having watched the replay.
Um, and I'll give you some guidance on where to move, uh, to go as far as your next steps. So, Because we have back to school going on, and there's a lot of attention on school kids, and maybe people going back to college, and it's just a big transition point for a lot of widows, whether you have young children, adult children, whether you're just seeing people at school.
You know, on TV or online talking about going back to school, and we tend to think for widows, like, we're done with school. Right. But no, I firmly believe that you should be a lifelong learner. And I have learned so much about grief and about how to move forward through grief and about how to help other people that I just like, I have to share it.
I have to share it with you. I have to share it with other people what I know about things that can help you and things that can support and serve you.
Back to School Bash: Weekly Agenda
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[00:14:09] Emily: So this is our back to school bash. So yes, you're going back to school as a widow, which is amazing. And here is a look at what is coming up this week.
Now. You've signed up for the event. You got the link. You don't need to sign up for anything else. You're going to get a link every day so that you can join if you want on these different topics. Tuesday, tomorrow. I'm going to talk about grief myths that are holding you back. A lot of this comes from grief recovery method, of different myths of how you are taught how to handle and process loss, um, things that you've either learned or observed other people say or do that's incorrect.
One of the biggest ones I talk about all the time is how time heals all wounds. That is so wrong. The podcast I just did last week with Sobhia, she talked specifically about that. And I could just do a whole, a whole workshop, shop series on that. But there's lots of different myths that we learn. I'm gonna tackle the top ones.
That you may have learned and tell you why they're holding you back on Wednesday. I'm going to give you a behind the scenes of the Brave Widow Mastermind. So if it's something you're interested in joining, I'm going to give you a little behind the scenes tour and a sneak peek of the tools that we're going to use and the curriculum that I will be teaching and what that's going to look like.
And then on Thursday, I'm going to cover therapy versus coaching. So a lot of people have questions around Do I need a therapist? Do I need a coach? Do I need both? How do I know what I need to do as I'm moving forward? So I'm going to cover that. And then, um, Friday, I'm going to answer any questions that you might have had about the mastermind and the group coaching and how all that works, if it's right for you, when it works for you, and all of those things.
So every day this week, we've got Some education and things happening for Brave Widow. And again, you don't need to sign up for anything else, which is the best part. You can get all that information and join, or if you're unable to join and you want to watch the replay, which I'm a replay binger, so I totally get it.
I think pretty much almost every group I'm in, I'm more of a replay girl. So, um, if that's you, You're in good company. Totally fine. Um, those will be available to you as well. So, as you think about what you wanted, what your hope and your goal was to get from today's event, go ahead and type that in the chat.
Um, I'm really looking for today to be interactive and, um, you know how they say, like, when you go to, um, when you go and you watch animals perform, maybe it's like a show where they've trained dogs or seals or something, and they're like, Oh, the more that you clap and the more that you engage, like the more energy and excitement they have.
Not to compare myself to a seal. It always is very energizing to see interaction in the chat, or you can do reactions, or you can put something in the Q& A box. It just lets me know, like, what is resonating with you, what you want me to focus on, and keeps me going. Patty thought that was funny. So, um, If there's anything particular you want to get from today's event, put it in the chat and I'll make sure that I at least cover that.
Personal Journey: Coping with Loss
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[00:17:48] Emily: Okay, so now we have a few new folks that maybe aren't as familiar with me or I haven't really talked to one on one. So I'm going to give a quick intro of myself and, um, an overview of my story.
Personal Story and Overcoming Grief
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[00:18:02] Emily: I Was married to my best friend in life, Nathan, for three weeks short of 20 years. So we were together 19. 9 years, 7, 280 days.
Like we grew up essentially together. We got married when we were 18. We were best friends. We have four beautiful, amazing kiddos together. And, um, in 2021, I was a senior vice president over revenue cycle for. I had over a hundred hospitals. I had over 4, 000 employees that reported to me. I traveled nearly full time.
I had 30 plus associate vice presidents and above, like I worked a very demanding, fast paced job and Nathan was the person that Ran everything at our house. We lived on a property with almost 40 acres. It was our dream home. He took care of it. He got the kids where they needed to go. He just did everything.
And in July of 2021, we both came down with COVID as the Delta variant was coming out. It morphed a week later into double pneumonia. And one day he just couldn't get out of the bed anymore. So I had to call the ambulance and they took him to the hospital where he would spend the next 11 days in ICU.
And about half of that time in ICU, he would end up going on a ventilator and placed into a medical coma. And that would be the last time before that, that I would ever get to speak to him again. His organs began to fail and ultimately, they told me, they believed he was brain dead. And I had to somehow go home.
And Tell my four kids that their dad had died now. I worked in health care for 20 years. I still worked in health care I managed a team of doctors. I managed a team of nurses and so for me This was really difficult because hospitals are where people go to get better. I had a really strong belief I felt a sense of relief when he went to the hospital because I had all the confidence in the world, in the teams of people that work there, and how they treat patients, and how my husband was healthy, and he was going to be just fine.
So, not only did I lose my best friend, and as you all know, what devastating loss that is, but I lost The entire infrastructure of my home, with who watched my children while I was traveling for work, with who coordinated things around the house, with paying the bills, with all of those things that you have had to take on as well, I had to learn and navigate and rely on a lot of other people, which, for me, was really hard because I don't know about you, but I really hate asking for help.
So I continued to work over the next year before I decided to make a career change. And, um, I am a high achiever. I'm somebody who gets stuff done. And so I immediately did all the things, counseling, books, podcasts, videos, um, talking with other widows, joining support groups. In my mind, there was like a checklist.
And I just needed to. How we're through that checklist and I would reach the finish line and I wouldn't have to grieve anymore because it just felt so awful. And for those of you watching, you're probably laughing a little bit because we hear over and over again that there's no finish line, right? Like there is no end in sight where you won't have some form of grief or some type of grief.
And for me, that was probably the most discouraging thing was to think about. How, how am I supposed to live the rest of my life like this? Um, I'm going to show you a picture here of. A memorial garden that I had built, uh, had someone build for me when, after Nathan died. And I remember that there was one day I was sitting out there, I was listening to some of Nathan's favorite songs.
I was, it was supposed to be a place where I was happy and I remembered him and this was like, Oh, we created this thing for you and as a memorial and a place of. refuge where I can go and sit and just be there. And it became something that haunted me. Like I would go out there and sit and bawl my eyes out.
I would look at it and just feel that wave of grief again. And I couldn't figure out how I was ever going to get over that, through it, around it. Whatever, like, I felt like I had done so much work and I worked with a therapist and I was working with a coach and I was learning all the things and I just could not stop, like, feeling guilty and feeling weighed down and I remember thinking that, you know, my kids have almost lost both parents because I, I am not the same person.
I am this hollow shell of who I was. I'm going through the motions. I'm trying my hardest, but everything just feels like I, I really don't care anymore. Because. When you have hopes and you have dreams and all these things that you had planned for your future, it all starts to feel really pointless. When the person you were going to share that with was gone and you no longer have them to talk about it with, to experience with, to share that with.
So I decided one afternoon when I was sitting out there that I was not going to live like this anymore. I decided that I was gonna do whatever it took to figure out how I could possibly ever enjoy my life again, and I visibly remember sitting on that bench. I had my little portable speaker because I was listening to music, and I looked up and said, Nathan, I can't live, I love you, but I can't live like this anymore, and I got up, I turned off the music, and I walked back into the house.
Over the next year from that day, I would join, end up joining a Life coaching group. I would end up going to the grief recovery institute and learning everything I could about grief. I would go through the grief recovery method, which I've talked a lot about and have led some of you through, and I would do the work that I needed to do in order for my grief and my sorrow to To turn into gratitude and love and for this garden to become something that I no longer hated and resented and felt like was a dark cloud out in my yard, but something that I absolutely loved again.
All right, let me check the comments here. Thank you guys for typing in the chat. I love it. Okay, uh, we have I want help to not be fearful. Mm, that's really good. A feeling of community, of knowing I'm in good company. Yes. I'm frustrated with what I haven't accomplished in one and a half years, even though I've accomplished a lot.
There's a job I want to apply for, but I can't seem to get my resume written after being a stay at home mom for so long. Yeah, that, that's tough and just getting through, getting feedback from interviews, that's tough as well.
I feel the same. I was a homeschool mom. That resonates. Oh, that's me. Okay. Awesome. Thank you. Keep it coming.
Positive Changes and New Beginnings
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[00:26:09] Emily: I want to also share some positive things that have happened since I decided to do something different and I decided I wasn't going to wait for time to magically make things better because I learned that it doesn't.
Um, I'm a big traveler. You may or may not be a traveler or you may be like one, like two of my clients that I work with who used to love traveling and lost a lot of confidence around that. But because I love to travel, I, um, Made this one of my ways of working through grief and, um, one of our, our recent podcasts talk about this through well, as well of traveling, um, as part of dealing with grief.
So I wanted to share some pictures and a list of places that I've been with my family since Nathan died, places that we never would have gone to, he probably wouldn't even like. Places. Um, but it really has been a great experience for me. And, um, I even in February recently got remarried to a wonderful man named Robert and inherited a bonus son.
Um, and those things. So, um, my approach to serving widows, how is it different? What, what is it? What is it like? Um, I was trained by Dr. Betsy Guerra. In the faith based coaching academy and she's a 20 year practicing clinical psychologist who her program incorporates elements of psychology, we learn counseling theories and methods.
And, um, we learn about coaching and she also embraces spirituality and divine guidance. So, I'm very happy to report that, unlike what I've seen a lot of counselors and a lot of coaches do, and they keep faith separate and they stick to, you know, core models and core theories is that I get to blend all of those things, um, from a coaching perspective.
So, um, I look at, I, I understand and know counseling theories and methods. I also understand coaching from a forward thinking action driven model, and we implement prayer and faith and spirituality for divine guidance and enlightenment. Beyond what we know as documented methods and theories. I founded Brave Widow in October of 2022.
Um, if not for my coach, I never would have done that. We have a podcast now with over a hundred episodes. Uh, some of you have been on the podcast, which is amazing. And, um, I have gained in two years, three different certifications that are listed here. Um, and have interacted with widows, hosted widows, or talk to widows and over 20.
Countries, which is crazy to think about. Okay. So first time ever. So don't judge too hard. Okay. Just judge a little bit. We're going to walk through the four stages of widowhood. And again, this isn't to say. Oh, you're in a box. You're in this one stage. If you can see my spreadsheet of all the different things that happen in these stages, you may be like, from a relationship perspective, you may be in the first stage.
And from a hobby perspective, you may be in the exploration stage. So you might find components of yourself in different stages. But this is really a compilation of what I have found of widows that come to me, what their thoughts are, how their relationships are, what their needs are, and all kinds of good stuff.
So I'm going to quit talking about it and we're going to walk through it. Again, if something sticks out to you, if something resonates, if something just is like, Oh, that's totally wrong. I don't get that. I want your feedback. Um, cause I'm going to continue to tweak it over time.
Stage One: DevastationStage One: Devastation
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[00:30:10] Emily: So the first stage of widowhood, as I think about it is what I call devastation.
And this is really when you're operating in survival mode and how I described it, um, with one of my coaches. Is that, um, she's a speech coach. She's helping me with a speech. And so how I explain it to her, because she's not a widow, is that, let's say, a atomic bomb has gone off in your city or your neighborhood.
And your person has died. Your entire world has just exploded. Everything's like foggy and hazy and not very clear. Your perception of reality is totally different, and nothing around you looks the same. The grocery store you used to go to isn't the same. The church that you may have gone to, that experience isn't the same.
Everything is different, and it's unclear, and it's overwhelming, and you're shaking, and you feel fragile, and you don't even know. If you're going to be able to survive the next few weeks, the next few months, like, you just, it's, it may be not even a day to day thing. It may be an hour to hour. I don't know that I can keep doing this.
type of phase.
With grief, oftentimes we know and we anticipate we're going to miss our person and we're going to be sad about that. What we don't anticipate is how much it shatters us on the inside. Our confidence, what we know, what's important to us. Our hopes, our dreams, just everything. And what I explained to her is we're surrounded by reminders of our person being gone.
So I wake up, I roll over. Oh yeah, he's not here. I get up to go to the bathroom. I see his toothbrush on the counter. Oh yeah, he's not here. Every moment, you guys know this better than anyone, every moment of every day is a constant reminder that your person is no longer there. So when a widow is in this devastation phase, They're in survival mode.
A lot of times they can't really think about a future. They can't think about enjoying life again. That seems so foreign and so far away. That really, here are some next steps for that person. So if this is you, or if this is someone that you know, these are the list of things, of next potential next steps.
So if this is you, Just pick one. You don't have to pick all these steps, but maybe you look through these lists and ask yourself if this is a step that you've done, or if this is something that you could implement that might help you.
Spot on. God has always helped me. I have trouble waiting. He always comes through on time. I still have trouble with that. Yes. I. Sometimes I have trouble with that too, Debbie, so you're in good company. Um, waiting on God and living in surrender. That's, um, I feel like a lesson I'm always coaching myself on.
Okay, so someone, a widow in devastation phase. Okay, here are some things I recommend. Um, this person just needs help with, like, functioning, with doing things around the house, with, um, paying bills, notifying companies that their person has died, just all of the things. Uh, one of the biggest things that I try to recommend is that they identify like a personal liaison or an advocate.
So someone who can advocate on their behalf on what is needed. Maybe the lawn needs to be To be mowed. Maybe they need a gift card to DoorDash. Maybe they need, um, you know, some Netflix so they can just have a few minutes where they zone out. Whatever those things are, having a personal liaison to coordinate help, to make specific asks, to identify, like, these are the things specifically this person needs, takes a lot of weight and a lot of shame off of a widow's shoulder and can help them stay organized in an environment where Just everything is overwhelming.
Um, for anyone that's ever signed up for an email resource, I always have a checklist of like, here's everything specifically you could ask for. Because sometimes widows have trouble just knowing, what do I ask for for help? What, what do I ask for? Who do I ask? How do I ask? I actually have a workshop in the community on how to actually help a widow and one on how to ask for help as a widow.
Um, but sometimes you just need a list, like give me a list of ideas. I can't even think right now of what I need. Or sometimes you need a list to give to other people to say, you know, is there anything on here that you can do or anything that you're willing to do that's more than a food train or casseroles or that sort of thing.
Excuse me. Um, making a list of all the to do's and scheduling them is extremely helpful. I'm a very organized person, but I found myself with. Uh, this brain fog and with post it notes everywhere, where I just, I, I couldn't even function because the weight of that list and how fast it was growing really bogged me down.
So what I had to do here was essentially brain dump everything as much as I could on one list of what needed to be done and go onto my calendar and actually schedule time and schedule myself like two times as long as I thought it was going to take. To have some buffer room in there, um, and block that out.
Just like I actually have an appointment like, Oh, this is my appointment to call and get my dog scheduled for their vaccinations. Okay. Like time blocking out like that is really important. Um, because when you're in this stage, you might be like me where I had a meeting with the attorney to go through, um, our estate and trust and probate.
So I sit down the night before. I go through all the papers. I get the car titles over here. I get the deed drawer house over here. I get all the important papers laid out. Next morning, I walk in, can't find the car titles, like digging through all my file folders, looking in in all my drawers, pay pa piece of paper by a piece of paper, flipping everyone over to see if I put it in in somewhere else.
Digging through all the trash bags. Cannot find the car titles. And one year later, I found them in a silverware drawer that I like never use. So how they ever got there, I don't know, in less than 24 hours. But when you're in this stage, that's just how your mind is. Like you can't focus, you're having a hard time to function.
So if this is you or someone you know, these are specific next steps that I recommend for operating in this phase and trying to move to the next phase. Reminders on your phone are key. I still have to use this because my. You know, my memory recall is not as good as it used to be. So I constantly have to set reminders on my phone real time, even if it's like, Hey, put this on the calendar tomorrow at 5 p.
m. So I don't forget to do that. That's really key. Um, the last one here, emotional healing and, uh, value.
One of the most difficult things about widowhood and grief is that so many people do not understand. They don't validate how you feel. They try to minimize the pain. Like, they tell you, Oh, he's in a better place. Oh, God needed another soldier. Oh, just be strong, you're gonna be fine. That doesn't help.
That's like negative help. It's like taking me backwards, just making me mad. So, you really need a way that you can heal emotionally and find someone who understands. And maybe this is a therapist, maybe it's a coach, maybe it's a support group for widows. It can look like a lot of things. I would love to work with you on this, if this is something you're struggling with.
But regardless of what you choose, emotional healing is important. Uh, sometimes people will say, Oh, I'm not ready. I'm not really ready to heal from that. I'm not ready to move. You know, I just need to give it time. And again, time is a myth. We're gonna talk about that tomorrow. Time is not the answer. Time compounds more of what is.
So just like when you invest in a stock market or you have other investments and you have interest that compounds over time, time is compounding what is in there. So if you put one dollar in there, time compounds that. If you put a million dollars in there, time compounds that. So, whether you're healing, you're suppressing, you're distracting, you're avoiding, whatever you're doing, time compounds more of that.
So, even if you're in full devastation, emotional healing and validation is important and should be prioritized. Your heart feels broken. You want to seek out help for your heart. All right, looking at the comments. God has helped me have trouble waiting I have a guy from church help with things today. He is weeding the property.
Yay Awesome. I love to see you know, there's a difference in People can help with different things and people have different abilities or resources to be able to help. It always touches my heart in a special way when somebody is like rolling up their sleeves and they're doing the dirty work, whether it's laundry, weed eating, remodeling, you know, picking up groceries, whatever it is, if it's something that's, you know, dirty or hard or an inconvenience that, um, always seems very special to me.
Okay. So that was stage one devastation. Has anyone gone through a phase like that? Or maybe you're in that phase. You could just put yes or me, or just put a little, you know, they have these little, um, bitmoji, I mean, emoticons in here too. Like this little smiley face. You could put that. Um, it's just, if you've gone through that phase, um, That'll be good to know.
Stage Two: DesperationStage Two: Desperation
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[00:41:03] Emily: Okay, stage two is desperation. So this is where um, Maybe you Don't you're you're in maintenance mode. Okay, so The water over your head isn't up here anymore. It's like here and so you're kind of doing this where you're Going through the motions. You are Trying to get a routine going Um, you are getting your feet underneath you, trying to create a new routine.
I'm just looking at my other screen here so I don't forget something. You may have thoughts still like, what's the point? Who am I? Is this all there is? Like, this is it? Wow. Where did everybody go? You might be feeling lonely, misunderstood, abandoned. You might still have a lot of guilt and regret for your relationship or what happened.
There might be a lot of yearning, like, I wish I could just have one more conversation. Ugh! Just even more than missing Nathan himself, I just wanted to be able to have one more conversation and close some loops. Um, you might really be looking for gentleness, for consistency, for a social circle that somehow disappeared.
Um, you may feel in your career very apathetic, like, um, losing Nathan helped me in one way. It helped me in my career as I didn't get stressed out about meetings really anymore. I was just like, well, I mean, what's the worst can happen? My husband died. So it's not, not going to be that bad. It's I don't need, it doesn't, doesn't matter.
Um, And you may have a lot of family and friends that have disappeared, um, in this stage. So, um, when I was in maintenance mode, I, I continued to work in my corporate job another year after Nathan had died. And then I decided to pursue Brave Widow and some of the things that I was doing there. And, um, but it just felt like I was kind of going through the motions with everything.
And I didn't know if it was possible. To have a life that I enjoyed again, or like this is what I was doomed to for the next, you know, if I lived to be 90 for the next 50 years, like this was it, um, that I would just kind of be watching life happening around me, but I wasn't really living it. Um, I didn't know, I've never been somebody who gets like super excited or super sad, like my emotions aren't extreme like some people and um, but I felt like my happiness meter on like a scale of 1 to 10, like the top would be a 6, whereas before maybe my top would be like an 8 in my normal life.
So I felt like all my senses and my emotions were just kind of dulled. Where I thought, oh, that's funny, or, oh, I'm having a good time, or, oh, I'm enjoying this. But it's just kind of like, this doesn't suck, you know? It's just, like, this is nice. It's, it's a good time, but I'm not, like, I didn't feel joy. Like, I could be happy about some things, but I just kind of thought, well, my world's black and white now.
I don't see it in color anymore. It's not vibrant anymore. And I wanted to believe that it could be, I wanted to believe that it was possible, but I didn't really see how, like, how, how is it possible if I'm here that I can get to a point where I do enjoy life again, and I don't feel guilty, and I don't feel like my life is over now, I have dreams again, like, I didn't even know what I wanted.
All, everything that we wanted for our future. Just gone. So here are some things that I recommend as far as next steps if you're in a point of Desperation which is you're in maintenance mode. You're going through the motions kind of feels like you're just keeping your head above water But you're not really sure Where to head so that you can start exploring what a new life post loss could look like
developing a routine and creating structure is a It's really important here so that you can start to get a sense, a new sense of normalcy. And um, this isn't just with things around the house. This is going to be things even with, with holidays. So as we think about one of the things that I learned from the book, The Grieving Brain, Which is kind of a more techie, scientific read, but very good.
Um, is that one of the reasons why grief is so hard, is because we have so many memories with our person. So, um, think about like, every night at 6pm, maybe your person came home from work. So, um, Every night at 6 p. m. is really hard for the first few days, weeks, months, but then it gets a little bit easier because now your brain has made lots of new memories without your person coming home at 6 p.
m. than they did before. Big days like holidays, birthdays, milestones, Christmas, for example. Christmas happens one time a year. So it takes a lot longer to get through a few Christmases Where your brain isn't associating your person being there than it does to get through nights at 6 p. m. When your person isn't coming home anymore.
So when you're in this phase, you're getting through some of those firsts, maybe even some of those seconds, where you're trying to stabilize and normalize things that don't happen as often as the daily stuff. Um, maybe it's going to church, maybe it's going to conferences, maybe it's taking vacations, whatever it is, your brain kind of needs time to stabilize out the fact that your person isn't there and have more memories of them not being there.
And that is where time is compounding and helping you with that. So creating a routine and some structure around that. Streamlining processes. And having, having a system where like, you know, okay, I need to change my air filters monthly or every three months, however often that is, I need to have the air condition, you know, I need to have the HVAC system maintained every six months or how often you do that.
You're really trying to build in place what your new life looks like from a routine and structure perspective. Here, it's also important that you form a personal board of directors and What, essentially what this does is it helps you rebuild confidence in making decisions. So, when Nathan died, I went from being a very confident person.
I always sought wisdom and I sought advice from other people that had more experience than me, but I always felt very confident in making decisions. I went from that person To a person that put nine security cameras on the outside of her house and had it hardwired to a DVR recording system because I didn't want ring cameras where someone could hack me and spy on me and
every decision was like overboard and all of a sudden, you know, I started putting more cash in my savings account because I just knew something bad was going to happen and I would need access to that instead of access to money saved anywhere else. Um, I lost pretty much all, almost all of my confidence in making decisions and feeling like I was secure and safe.
And so one of the ways that we rebuild that is having your own, excuse me, personal board of directors. So what that is, is people, it might be someone who's an expert in their field. It might be new friends and relationships that you form, but it's people that care about you, whose values are aligned with yours, and who have your best interests at heart.
So, as an example, one of the things that I was interested in is real estate investing. I've always been interested in it, never had gone to a meeting, never had invested in real estate before, knew nothing about, like, I didn't know what I was doing from, you know, Joe blow on the street, right? But I started going to local real estate investor meetings once a month there.
Excuse me. I met other people. I met a realtor who was a mentor to me for a long time. I met people who work in construction. I met people who work in banking and investing. I met people who work in insurance, um, who insure property. They do all kinds of insurance. I met people who work in plumbing, um, people who work as electricians.
I met all kinds of different people, where now I started to have this network of people I could call and ask for advice. So if I need a new roof, Replace or I'm having roof damage on my own home. I have this Facebook group. I can go and say hey Do you have recommendations for a roofer? Hey, you know my air conditioner isn't working Do you have any suggestions for how to troubleshoot it?
Like I had a group of people I could go to Who I trusted and I knew and had built relationships with over time that I could start to ask those questions Now maybe it's something that you're considering like life insurance You And maybe you're not, you don't want to go to a life insurance conference.
I totally don't blame you. But in that case, maybe you set up calls with three to five different companies. You interview, All the different people, you have your questions lined out, then that builds your confidence in selecting the right company. Because by talking to these three to five different people, you can form your own opinion of what's best for you, what's going to work for you and what you want and who you want to work with.
And you start to set up all these different people around you who can help you make decisions, who can talk you through the pros and cons of different things.
When I first started looking at real estate investing, um, I really thought I was going to invest in like a single family home and start there. But by going to these groups, I was able to ask everybody. And there's like 25 different opinions on how to invest in real estate, right? There's so many. But I was able to just talk with everyone and just say, well, what do you like about that?
What do you not like about it? What would you tell other people about it? Just by talking with different people and building those relationships, your confidence goes through the roof. So maybe it's not real estate is not your thing. Maybe insurance isn't your thing. Whatever your, your, Thing is, or whatever decisions you're having to make, whether it's budgeting or cooking or gardening or whatever it is, you can form relationships with people and set them up around you so that they can help guide you give suggestions.
Um, and that's really key in this stage that you're starting to rebuild some of that confidence. It's also important that you have a strong support group and community. And I always recommend two groups of people, at least, that you're picking from. One group who understands grief. And especially widows, and what you're going through, and your struggles, and what losing a husband means, so you don't have to explain it to people.
Like, it's so annoying to not be able to just talk about your struggles and your problems without trying to explain to someone what that impact really means. To you, you talk to someone who's lost a husband. Yes, their experience is unique. Yes, they don't know what your relationship is like, but they know what it means to have lost a husband and all the downstream impacts that that could have for you so you can talk without having to explain and you have some people you can talk to.
So it's one group of people. Another group that I recommend you, you form. Relationships from is people that have really nothing to do with grief. So it might be people that have similar interests and hobbies to you. It might be someone who goes to church with you. It might be someone you bump into at the line at Starbucks.
Whatever it is, forming new relationships with other people is really important here. Because here you're feeling like everyone's pulling back, right? The calls have stopped. The food train stopped a long time ago. People stopped inviting you to things. People stopped checking on you. The people you really thought was going to be there for you are not there.
Now, you might have some people show up for you you never expected to be there, which is awesome. But the ones you expect to be there many times aren't there for you the way that you would hope. And for some widows, they feel that Because of their relationship or because of what happened with their husband that maybe their social circle knew a facade of who their person was.
So there's this struggle of I can't really be honest with my family and friends about how conflicted I feel or what's happening because they didn't know who he really was. He was somebody different. He wasn't really who he made himself out to be. There can be all that stuff that's happening, right? Mm hmm.
Our family and friends, a lot of times, are waiting for us, after loss, to go back to the person we were. But a bomb went off in that life, and that old life is in ashes.
Rebuilding a New Life
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[00:55:27] Emily: We aren't the same person. We're not going back. We can't go back. All we can do is rebuild a totally brand new life, which I know sounds overwhelming at first, a new version of ourselves and who we want to be.
Navigating Relationships Post-Loss
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[00:55:44] Emily: And for some of our family and friends, Remember the brain, they have all these memories, they have years and years and years of memories of who we were, and what we used to do, and who we used to be, and the role we used to fill, and all the things we used to do, and their brain is waiting for us to go back to that version of ourselves, and the reality is, for most of us, we're never going to go back to that.
We're going to be someone different and some family and friends can adapt to that and can accept that and it can become a little more seamless over time. But in a lot of cases, especially with widows I work with, that was never a great relationship to begin with and or can't really get back to that place.
So it's important here. That you form relationships with people who either want to understand you, they're from your past, they want to understand who you are and where you're going now, or they don't have this comparison of you, all they know is the new you and who you're becoming, this version of you.
Okay. Thank you for speaking into that. You are so welcome.
Exploration Phase: Living in Discovery Mode
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[00:56:54] Emily: Alright, exploration, living in discovery mode. So, we were in survival mode, we were in maintenance mode, now we're in this really weird, awkward discovery mode. Okay, so, Uh, we're, we've, we have our processes, we have our routines, we're meeting new people, we're getting our board of directors.
Widows in the exploration phase a lot of times feel like they're, they're a toddler and they're taking baby steps. And this Totally me.
Facing the Reality of a New Life
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[00:57:27] Emily: Um, this is where reality starts to set in that your life is no, not a nightmare.
Embracing a New Reality
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[00:57:34] Emily: What happened to you wasn't just a one time thing that happened, like, this is real. This is your new life.
What does that even mean? How can I ever, how can this be my life? How can I ever enjoy my life again?
Navigating Grief and Anxiety
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[00:57:51] Emily: And so for me, this is a lot of like, taking a step, falling down, taking a step, falling down, taking a step, feeling like I'm going backwards, like you're this, like you're taking these baby steps and you're trying to figure out who you are and what do you like.
There were lots of things I like to do that after Nathan died, I didn't care about anymore. And there were things that I didn't used to really like or care about, that now I do. Now I engage in those things. And so this is where we feel kind of an awkward transition of we're trying to figure it out and we're, we're insecure.
Am I doing this the right way? Am I doing the right thing? You know, I, I'm trying to do new, new things, but it's, I have a lot of anxiety. I'm overwhelmed. I'm confused. Um, I don't know how to handle now this new situation. I don't know how to handle these relationships. Like I'm just really, it's a whole new world and I have no idea.
Finding New Interests and Overcoming Guilt
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[00:58:48] Emily: Where I'm going or where I'm headed, um, here, things that I would do, um, I would go to conferences. Like I went to, um, a Jordan. I've talked about this a few times. I went to see Jordan Peterson in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and I thought, you know, Okay, I'm going to have a day for me. My in laws are going to pick up the kids from school.
I'm going to drive to Tulsa. I'm going to play my favorite music. I'm going to go shopping. I'm going to see this Jordan, Jordan Pearson, who I really like. And then I'm going to drive home with the windows down, the music going, like, it's just going to be a really nice experience.
Overcoming Mind Drama and Guilt
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[00:59:28] Emily: And as I was driving out to Tulsa, my heart was just twisting because it was reminding me, like.
Oh, look at you trying to have a good time and have fun, and Nathan's not even here. Why are you even trying this? Like, there's all the mind drama. Why are you even trying this? Like, you know, there's no point. Like, he would have wanted to go too, and he can't go. Oh, you're trying to make a day for yourself, and your kids are in school, and this is going on, and that's going on.
Like, all of the guilt, right?
Taking Baby Steps Towards New Interests
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[01:00:02] Emily: And so I remember stopping at a rest stop like halfway there, and I'm just, I got a cheeseburger from McDonald's and I have the napkins, like, dabbing tears off my face, like, what, why am I even trying this? But I kept going on. I ended up, um, going to the mall. My daughter, um, Had a mental health crisis.
I had to navigate that from the mall. And again, it's the back of my mind, right? Why even try? This is pointless. See what happens when you do something for yourself. See what happens when you try what, you know, you're wasting your time. You should be at home. You shouldn't be out here. Like there's so much mind drama in this phase that if you feel it, you're normal.
It's fine. It's normal and we can get through there, but it's a confusing phase and it's a phase I tend to get several widows in as well because there's not a lot of clarity here. So,
Steps for Widows: Exploring New Paths
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[01:01:03] Emily: um, as you are in the exploration phase where you're kind of morphing from one to the other, here are some next steps that I recommend for widows. So your goal is to try new things and discover. New likes that you have to discover things that to try new things. Um, I actually in may had the privilege of speaking at this real estate investor group that I was telling you guys about.
And I got to tell the story. They had me talk about mindset and overcoming, um, insecurities. to being a real estate investor for the first time. And so I got to tell the story that the very first time I went to that meeting, it was May of 22. So two, a little over two years ago, I got to say, I sat out there in the parking lot in my car for 20 minutes.
And I was this close to turning around and going back home because I sat there in my car and I thought, I don't know these people. I don't know if I can do this. I don't even know where the bathrooms are. Like, I don't know anything about investing. They're going to think I'm stupid. They're going to think I'm an opposer, an imposter.
Like, what am I doing here? You know, I just, all the insecurities were just like bubbling up to the surface, but I decided to feel afraid and do it anyway. So I did. I walked inside and two years later I got asked to be a speaker there. on overcoming mindset and, um, insecurities around doing new things. So it's important here that you have people that are encouraging you, that when you're sitting outside for the first time of a new place, or when you're going somewhere, I went to Dave Ramsey's Entree Leadership Conference in Nashville, Tennessee by myself.
I knew no one else who was going. And if you guys Don't know yet. I'm a hardcore introvert. Like small talk is not natural to me. Big conferences and meetings wear me out. I was exhausted every night. I am not someone to just strike up a conversation. I mean, who wants to be the person in a group of people to be like, Oh yeah, I'm a widow.
I'm trying to figure out what I want to do now. People are like, Oh, well that's depressing. You know, like who wants to be that person? But I just try new things. I, I went out and did it. And so you need someone who's encouraging you like, yeah, you got this and you might try it and you might not like it.
That's okay. Go try something else. You might actually enjoy that. Um, I also with, with widows at times we'll do what's called a life wheel. You can Google the life wheel and it's just different areas of your life. Excuse me. And you write it on a scale of, you know, you could do a scale of one to 10 and you can evaluate like how you feel about where you are financially, physically, spiritually, with hobbies and things that are fun with community and the people around you.
Like there's a lot of different categories. So that could be a next step for you if you're like, I don't even know where to start, where do I want to start? Well, start with a life wheel and evaluate which area you want to focus on next. Doesn't have to be all of them. This is also a good time to figure out as a next step, like, how are you wanting to honor your person's legacy?
How do you want to incorporate them? In your life, how do you want to incorporate them in holidays and events? You know, do you set a place at the table for them at Thanksgiving? Do you just have their picture on the fireplace mantle? There's no wrong answer, but it's a good time to get a feel for what you want that to look like.
It's really key here that you lean into meeting new people and building new relationships, which does take work. You're also starting to adapt to relationships that have changed, and you may have to implement some healthy boundaries. Um, and that may mean just letting space and distance get in the way.
Um, well functioning relationships take a lot of nurturing. They take a lot of proactive work. They take a lot of energy and effort. So sometimes just pulling back a little bit and not putting that effort and energy into a relationship will help create some space and distance for you. As an avoid, a prior avoidant attachment style, I can teach you all about that.
Building Confidence and Taking Action
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[01:05:43] Emily: Um, and this is also a really key time to continue to rebuild your confidence and to learn the things that you can do to become Um, in the, I think it was in the travel workshop that we did on how to travel with confidence in July, I talked a lot about how action has to come before confidence in order to build confidence to take more action.
Building Confidence Through Action
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[01:06:11] Emily: So we don't wait to become confident before we act. We act, and we do, and the act of doing is what builds the confidence, and how I think about this is, um, I, Nathan did all of the cooking in our relationship, so yes, I was spoiled, you can say it, for 20 years, I did not have to cook very much at all, it was amazing, it was an amazing cook, but that meant one day I woke up, and, Someone had three teenagers looking at them wanting to know, still to this day, what's for dinner is like the first question out of their mouth, right?
So I had to learn how to cook and cook more than just like grilled cheese and hamburgers. So the first time I made a roast, the first time I made lasagna, the first time I made these things, I like follow the recipe, like I'm one of those, like I take the measuring cup, right? I like dust it off to make sure it's perfectly even, dump it in, and do no more, no less.
Like I just follow the recipe. And the first few times, like, it kind of would not taste great. And I would be upset because I was following the recipe. But I learned over time, the more I would make the same dish over and over, I'm like, okay, it needs more salt. Like, I know the recipe says this, but my family eats a lot of salt, so it needs more salt.
The more times I would make that dish, the more confident I would become. I would know, oh, I can leave the roast in for eight to 10 hours is going to be fine. Whereas. Three years ago, I had no, no idea that roast was like a steak. It was tough. Okay. So, but the more that you do those things, the more you build confidence and the more you build confidence, the more increased action that you can continue to take.
So that's really important in these steps here. And, uh, I also have here that it's important to seek direction and clarity. If you don't know where you are and you don't know where you want to go, how are you ever going to get there? For me. I felt like in this stage, I was a tiny little ship in a huge ocean and I was just kind of getting tossed around by all of these big grief waves that were just knocking me around.
I had no idea what did I want for my future. I had no idea what I wanted, how I wanted to live my life, what was going to be in store for me, what these new dreams were going to be. And so I didn't know which way to go. And to be quite honest, I held myself back here a lot because I was waiting, I was waiting, maybe I would meet someone, thoughts I would have.
Oh, what if I meet someone? And what if we get into a relationship? Do I want to be in a relationship? I don't know. But what if I did? And what if they don't want to live in the country? What if they don't want, what if they don't like this kind of carpet? What if, you know, I go, I start going to these real estate meetings.
What if they don't like real estate? What if they hate it? What if, you know, there's all those thoughts where I would hold myself back, just like waiting for something to happen. When, instead, by having direction and having forward momentum, that is what is attracting other people to me. I just didn't have a lot of direction and clarity.
It took me a really long, this stage took me a really long time to try to navigate. The desperation and the exploration were probably the longest times I may wasted the most time here. I, um, made the most mistakes with dating here, um, because I didn't have clarity on what I wanted. I didn't have clarity on direction.
Um, so I had to do a lot of work with my coach and my peers around that. Okay, so, um, let me check the chat here.
My husband was not a positive person. I'm learning now that there are positive people in the world. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe them. It does make me happy to be around these people. Oh, so good. One of my favorite quotes ever, ever, is by Jim Rohn. And he said, You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.
And it's easy to like, hear that quote or see it and to be like, Oh, yeah, okay, whatever. But to really embrace that, I have seen it come true so many times where, you know, we think we have friends and relationships and those are going to last for a lifetime. But what I've observed is for the most part, it's different seasons.
And when I started wanting to do things like become an entrepreneur, do have brave widow, when I wanted to start a podcast for the first time, when I wanted to invest in real estate for the first time, I surrounded myself with people who were doing it. With people who are further ahead with people who believed in me and believe that I could because for me to explain to my family, Oh, I'm going to become a life coach.
First of all, people in the corporate role would roll their eyes or be like, that's not a real job. Like, people just didn't really believe, like, if you were a leadership coach, okay, that was respected, but a life coach or grief coach, like, they had never really heard of that. Um, want to talk to my family about starting a podcast.
It's like, oh, that's a cute little hobby, right? But when I chose to surround myself with people who were doing it, people who were building it, people who were successful at it, people who were trying, that they believed it too, they saw it too. Then I felt like I could go leaps and bounds further because I saw it was possible for other people.
And, uh. I had their encouragement backing me and forcing me forward. Like I told you, my coach Betsy, if she had not been pushing me and gave me a deadline, Brave Widow still might not be up. Because I'm a perfectionist and I never felt like I really got it where I wanted it to be, but she's like, this is your deadline.
You're going to do it. Just do it. And she just pushed me. And so by surrounding myself with those people. Who also believed it and wanted it and saw it and wanted it for me. It really propelled me forward. If I had waited on my family, I wouldn't even be here. We would not be having the conversation. So you made such a great point in that comment.
Okay.
Manifesting Your Future SelfManifesting Your Future Self
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[01:12:58] Emily: Creation stage manifestation manifestation mode. Okay. This is the fun one. This is where you are starting to flourish. You have a strong social circle. You have your new hobbies, you have a picture of what you want your future to live look like, and you're starting to embody it. Um, I teach something called the be do have model, which my coach Bessie also taught me, which is essentially we see a future version of ourselves or we see like who we want to be.
So let's say. When I first started Brave Widow, I would be embarrassed to tell people I was a widow coach or a life coach because I was like, well, I don't have any clients yet. I haven't, you know, I haven't really helped anyone yet. I haven't charged anyone yet. Um, the very first thing I did with Brave Widow cost 7 and like three people bought it.
So I just, in my mind, I was just embarrassed. I was like, I can't tell people, you know, they're going to ask me how many clients I have in this and that. Like, I just can't do it. That was when I first started. But, you know, Betsy encouraged us to embody, okay, Emily, right now, you're maybe not a huge widow coach and a grief coach, but become that if, if you were a very successful, one of the top coaches in the world, how would you act?
What would you do? What would you say? How would you come across to people? How confident would you be? Say you're, you're booked full. You have no more spots open to coach clients. You have that many clients. What does that look like? Become that person now. And those other things will fall into place. And it might sound a little woo woo, but I'm going to give you another example of how this worked.
So when I was, um, when I finally got my mindset right about dating and I finally stopped holding myself back and I finally decided, okay, this over here is what I want for my future. Then how I embodied that and how I started to manifest that was to become that version of my future self now. So what did that look like?
So if I thought to myself, okay, I want somebody that's going to go to these real estate investor meetings with me. So I'm going to these meetings. I want someone who's going to travel with me and I want to travel in my future. I'm going to travel now. I want someone who is a lifelong learner. I want to always go to conferences and always get certifications and always just be learning new things and going out and meeting new people.
I started doing it now. I want to have a roster of coaching clients and, and have group coaching and one on one coaching and those things. I started doing it now. And by implementing those things, like. In the dating example, by doing those things, that attracted To me now, my current husband, right. Cause it was exciting for him for me to be like, Oh yeah, I just went to England.
I'm going to Alaska on this trip with my daughter. I'm going over here. He's a big traveler too. And so he was like, Oh, okay. That's awesome. I love that. That was one thing he liked about me. The fact that I liked real estate and was learning how to do that and was trying different things that was appealing to him too.
So by me becoming what I wanted, like I would dress up and take myself out on dates. I would literally put on a dress, do my hair, my makeup and go to the symphony and I would sit, I bought season tickets too. So I would sit and go to every symphony event with an empty chair next to me. And I felt just like a big red flashing sign was over my head saying, look at this lady.
She's all by herself. What a loser, right? The first few times, that's kind of what it felt like. But I would tell myself, no, I'm manifesting what I want in the future. I'm creating this future version of myself now. And that first year I sat all season with an empty seat next to me. When Robert and I started dating that next year, I no longer had an empty seat next to me.
So. That's a very simplified example of what we want to create here, but By doing the things now that you want for yourself in the future, you're going to attract, you're going to pull that forward. You're going to attract the right people to you. You're going to create the world that you want in the future now.
There's nothing holding you back from being able to do some of those things now. So, here are, um, some thoughts people have in this phase. Hey, I'm doing it. I never thought I could get here. I'm so happy. I love my life now. Feelings that you might have is instead of these volatile waves of grief and sadness that just knock you over, what I noticed is I would start to have waves of gratitude.
Like I was so grateful for the time Nathan and I had together and I was so grateful that he was my biggest cheerleader and my best friend and always cheered me on. Um, I didn't sit at my kids meetings and events anymore and cry when they were supposed to be having a happy choir event and ball in the back row because their dad was supposed to be there and he wasn't.
I was able to look at this event and say, I know Nathan is so proud of them right now. And I know he's so happy and that makes me so happy. And I'm just happy that I get to have this experience. So here are some next steps that I recommend to people in this phase here.
Creating a Supportive Social CircleCreating a Supportive Social Circle
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[01:19:00] Emily: Again, I'm going to hit on the strong social circle.
That's really important. It doesn't mean you need 20 best friends. Okay. But you need to be in an environment where you aren't feeling lonely. You're not alone that you have relationships of people you care about and that care about you. You need to find people who are ahead of you. In your journey people that inspire you like when I was first widowed I would go in these widow groups and I would just read all I was a lurker Okay I didn't comment a lot but I would read and I would see that people that were a year out or two years out and how they were happy and you know, I would see people leave the widow groups because The new widows they felt like were dragging them down and they used to be sad But now they're happy and they have a life that they enjoy again And I couldn't I couldn't figure out how they got there.
I couldn't figure out how it was possible, but I believed it was possible because I allowed myself to be inspired by seeing what other people were doing, by seeing that they were further ahead and that it was possible to get there. I just had to figure out What the path forward was. When you are here, it's also important that you do some thought work that is action oriented and forward in movement.
So our brains don't like change. You're like, duh, grief is the worst thing that's ever happened to my brain. But our brain, our brain's job is to keep us safe because back in the day we needed it to stay safe So, we don't touch fires, we don't jump off cliffs, we, you know, our brain is really driven to keep us safe, so our brains don't like change.
So, when you're trying something new for the first time, your brain's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, we don't know about going to real estate meetings, we don't know about going to events, we don't know about going to symphonies on our own, that's dangerous, it's dangerous, you're doing something different, stop.
There's a lot of thoughts and mind drama and stuff that happens in your brain. So it's important that you learn about thought work and that you work on, as the Bible says, taking every thought captive. It's not wrong to have certain thoughts. You can't control the thoughts that pop up in your mind, but you can take it captive and you can decide, is it true?
And whether or not it's true, is that helping me? Is it serving me? And if not, then I'm going to reject that thought and I'm going to choose to have a different thought. In, I think it was in the dating module, I taught about, uh, the thought models, um, that comes from the life coaching school that I learned from Stacey Bayman.
And essentially it talks about how our circumstances can cause us to have certain thoughts, but our thoughts drive our feelings? Our feelings drive our actions and our actions drive our results. And the simple 60 second version of that is the circumstances. I'm a widow who's never been to a real estate meeting before sitting outside in the parking lot.
And I can have the thought that this is scary, it's dangerous, I'm gonna hate it, that people are gonna be mean, I don't know where anything is, I don't know where to sit, who, who, everybody's gonna think I'm a weirdo, people are gonna think I'm dumb, I could choose to have all those thoughts, and if I hold on to those thoughts, my feelings would be discouraged, insecure, afraid, I'm not afraid.
Uh, I might run away, feel like I want to run away, and if I'm feeling those things, then my actions are going to be, I'm just going to drive home, and my result would be I never got, went to that meeting, versus I can have those thoughts that pop up and choose to say, this is scary, and I'm going to walk inside anyway.
I've never met these people, but there's probably at least one nice person in there. I don't know where I'm going to sit, but I can ask somebody where I should sit. And those set of thoughts create a different set of feeling, which is maybe tentative, hopeful, like, what if this was the best meeting? Like, what if walking into that meeting was the best thing that could happen to me?
That's a thought to have. That makes me feel hopeful. That makes me feel like, Okay, I'm gonna try this and if I have those feelings, then I take a different set of actions. I walk into the room, I meet other people, I found relationships, I invest in real estate for the first time only four months later. So my results are very different based on my thoughts.
I mean, you can Google and YouTube this all day long. There's tons of videos out there. There are tons of coaches that understand the thought model that you can work with. But regardless, learn about it and start to implement it. It will change your life, change your thoughts, change your life. Um, another next step is to intentionally cultivate the relationships that you desire to have.
If you want to have a friend, be a friend. If you want someone to reach out to you, reach out to them. Excuse me. Instead of, I'm guilty of this, right? Instead of saying, well, we need to go to lunch sometime. We need to get together sometime. We need to do the, be the person that makes the plan. Hey, what are you doing next Friday?
Hey, can we go to lunch at this place at this time? Be, you know, intentionally put in the effort to build the relationships with the people that you want to have. You know, Debbie, like you mentioned, the people that are positive, that want to build you up, that believe in you. Spend more time with those people and less time with the people that just drag you down.
My own mother, my own mother, was extremely negative and toxic and I just always felt depleted after spending time with her. And so I had to create a lot of distance there because I didn't want to be around that all the time. I talked about the be do have model. Here also is where a lot of people are looking for accountability and coaching, right?
They have a goal. I think Alice and I saw that you had, um, you know, with the resume and applying for jobs, it's something you want to do. Maybe you're looking for accountability for someone to say, Hey, have you done this yet? Hey, let's get on a call. Let's just do it together. One of my coaching clients last week, you know, she shared a goal, and she may see this later, I, so she shared a goal of something that she wanted to do.
And it's, I, I feel it because I do it too, right? Like, Oh, I need to do this and I'll, I'll do it next week. I'll do it this day. I'll do it that day. And I just said, no, let's do it now. Let's just. Pull up your screen. Like, let's just do it now. And we knocked it out and it was done. So sometimes you just need to know that someone's counting on you, they're waiting on you, they're pushing you, or that you have an accountability measure in place.
So you just get it done. Because if you're like me, by the time you actually get it done, you've spent 10 times more brain energy thinking about how to not do it or what else to do versus if you just actually do it. So as a fellow procrastinator, I feel you on that. Okay.
Introducing the Brave Widow Mastermind
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[01:26:31] Emily: All right, so we have talked a ton about these four different stages and next steps of what I recommend to people of specifically what they can do to focus on to take that next step and to move forward.
So please, for me in the chat, type maybe one thing, just one thing that you learned, one thing you want to focus on next. One thing that stood out to you, but for your next step, I don't want you to leave. You've been with me now for an hour and a half. I don't want you to leave and feel like, well, I just, I have no next step.
Introducing the Brave Widow Mastermind
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[01:27:08] Emily: So, I do want to spend some time sharing with you about the Brave Widow Mastermind. This is so new and it has a lot of these accountability components in there. But, if you're still feeling stuck, if you still feel like, I just don't know what to do, I want to make sure that you get to leave knowing at least one thing.
So I'm going to take a drink, give you a minute or two, just type in the chat, what's one thing that you're going to do, or if you're still feeling stuck and you don't know, then, um, type in the chat or raise your hand and I'm going to help you out here.
Okay, while you're thinking,
um, I do want to tell you all that I'm very proud of you for being here. Because. Learning, engaging, interacting, trying to determine your next step is actually a step. So you, you are taking a step by learning about next steps. As funny as that sounds. Um, I, I think that's amazing. Okay. Debbie says, I started playing pickleball a few months ago.
People are starting to talk to me while waiting our turn. I'm going to ask someone out to lunch. Yay! Awesome! And I love, Dr. John Deloney has such a great podcast on relationships and communication, and he does like real time counseling and coaching, which is awesome. And he has some juicy stuff on there, you know, if you need some entertainment.
But one of the things he says is, like, be, be the person who's willing to be the weirdo, right? Like, you might feel weird asking someone to come to your house, asking someone to go to lunch, asking someone to go to coffee, but the other person probably feels weird too. So just be willing to be the weirdo and just put the question out there.
Allison, start living my life the way I want it to be. Awesome. One of my favorite examples of that, that I resonated with from Stacey Bayman was, um, in her mind, she said reading books was like some, like a luxury, like who has time to just sit around and read books. That's something you do on vacation.
That's something that you do when you have all the spare time and she was just way too busy for that. And her coach is like, well, what's actually stopping you from reading a book now and feeling that sense of like, oh, I have a lot of time. Oh, this is a luxurious thing. And she was like, well, nothing I guess I can do it.
And I actually started to do that too. And, um, it really it's, it's. It's crazy how, if you think about the things that you're always like, Oh, I'll do that. That's like future me. You know, when I have more time, more money, more energy, more confidence, whatever, that's future me. How can you pull future you forward in time and start being future you now?
I have so many examples I could share with you that I've done that. I'm going to work on thinking about the future and trying to think of something I can do now that I want to be in my future. Seriously, it's, it's like simple, not always easy, but it's like simple, um, confidence comes as we take the action not before.
Yeah. Yeah. I was so proud of my daughter the other day. She said, uh, we just moved this week. That's why I have this. You know, very plain background. I'm sitting in a sea of boxes, but, um, she had to start taking a new bus. And, you know, as a teenager taking a new bus, like that's horrible, but she's like, you know what, mom, I'm really scared to get on this new bus.
She has lots of anxiety and all sorts of things she struggles with, but she's like, I'm just gonna, I'm just going to do it afraid I'm just going to do it afraid. And my life coach mom heart is about burst with pride and happiness because she's not the kind of person to say that. So. Yes,
so the journey to creating a life that you love is something that is simple. It's not always easy It's not easy to do something while you're afraid It's not easy to do something before you have the confidence to do it, but it's simple you can do it It's not always easy. It does require some effort and some patience, you know Debbie it's gonna require effort for you to invite that person to lunch for you to put yourself out there You know Um, and it's going to require some patience if that person says no and you need to find somebody else, but it's going to be so worth it when you start having those relationships and being around those people more and more.
All right, so, um, if you all, I want to make sure that you don't have any other questions because I would love to share more about the Brave Widow Mastermind and invite you to join me for that. Um, if you are good with that. Please just say yes. If there's anything else I can answer for you here or anything that's uncleared, let me know.
I'm gonna stop sharing and switch screens here. Yes. Okay. Perfect.
The stages can blend. Yes. Um, they do. And because I'm a spreadsheet nerd, I have it all on the spreadsheet about like a grid. When you're in the stage, either the thoughts you have, the feelings you have, how you're feeling. How you're thinking about family and friends, um, where you typically are in your grief and um, let me see what else is on here.
What your needs are, what your wants are. Maybe where you're thinking about job career, maybe what you're thinking about with relationships and dating. So, um, I would love to do a deep dive with someone on a few of these and just see what they think, because I haven't seen anything else. We know about the five stages of grief that wasn't developed for people who are grieving, but I wanted to create something that would help people feel like, okay, I'm here and I'm trying to get here.
And so these are the things I need to do to get over here. Okay. And this was my attempt at doing that, but like anything in life, it's not
okay. You got to see it first. So one day when it's like beautifully pulled all together, cause I'm manifesting that now I'm pulling it forward just by doing it one day, it's just going to be articulated really well. And it's going to be super clear. And you'll get to say that you saw the very first edition of that.
Okay, so, um, the Brave Widow Mastermind. So, um, I've spent a lot of time in the Brave Widow community. I've spent a lot of time coaching widows one on one, and I've heard loud and clear from people that they really want to a program, maybe not as intensive as one on one coaching or maybe more accessible than one on one coaching.
And, but that also is more than just the community component. So historically the community has been an a la carte area where you can pick and choose different courses, different workshops that we've done. You Facebook group, but it's really a lot more, um, self driven. If you will kind of like self study, it's what you need.
It's not necessarily a blueprint of like A to Z where you're going. So what I am hosting for the first time, this will be starting on Monday, is a six months program where essentially I'm going to walk you through different systems that I've created. To help you move forward in grief through these different stages through, um, these different challenges that you have.
And so what that looks like is, um, let me go down here. Now, if you are a one on one coaching client, so some of you are on this call, some of you will be watching the replay. Um, if you are a one on one coaching client with me, then you already will have access to the mastermind. So you don't need to sign up.
You don't need to do anything different. You don't need to raise your hand. You're going to get all the links, all the calendar invites, all of that. So you are in. If you want to participate, you can show up. If you don't want to participate, you don't have to. Um, you're getting much more intensive, uh, one on one, um, with me there.
So, but. With the Brave Widow Mastermind, it's six months of group coaching, education, and support, which is essentially every week, we, oh, you are so welcome. Every week, we're gonna hop on Zoom like this for two hours, and the first hour or so, I plan to focus on, like, educational, actionable, next steps.
Things, whether it's a tool that I use a spreadsheet template, whether it's a, um, like step by step guide of how I would move through something that will be the first hour is my goal. And the second hour would be focused on just real time Q and a coaching. You're like, Hey, I have this challenge, raise my hand.
I want the opportunity to be coached on this call. Um, excuse me. Then we'll have time to do that. So some of the systems that I've developed that I use to coach clients, whether or not I use these actual terms when I use them one on one. is the calm chaos to calm blueprint. So that will be one that we go through first.
And this is if you're feeling stressed, you need a sense of routine, you need your life to feel a little more organized, or you have all these projects like sitting around that never get done. And you want somebody to put your feet to the fire and help you get them done. We'll be going through the blueprint of that.
I have the move forward method where you're feeling stuck, you want to learn how to move forward, the self trust system that helps you build confidence in yourself and your ability to make decisions and your ability to travel or follow through or all the things that I hear from you. My widows, my widow peeps, um, discover your purpose plan.
So you're feeling like you don't know what your purpose is. You don't have a sense of meaning. You're trying to figure it out. That's one of the things I'll be walking you through. And the connection protocol, which is how you manage current relationships with boundaries, how you develop new relationships, so how you make friends, how you meet new people.
Um, if you are interested in dating, we'll have some information that you can access there. And Really just how you nurture and cultivate relationships because they don't teach us, you know, when we're over, when we're an adult, they don't teach you how to make friends, but I'm totally going to teach you how to meet, make friends, keep friends, build friends.
And because I've heard that you want accountability, we're actually going to track every week what your progress is. is what it looks like, um, where you are, and you're going to have some fluctuation and some ups and downs. So for my one on one clients, you've seen the form that I started for that and some of the spreadsheet tracking.
Um, we're going to use that to track overall progress. You have access to the private forums and Facebook groups, some of the tools and strategies that I actually use. Um, I shared with a client, a spreadsheet that I use for that. to help reinforce my kids doing their chores, like just different things I use.
You'll get access to that. Accountability and, um, this is really more of a high touch coaching program with support and guidance with feedback from me personally. So as you're feeling, filling out your sheets every week and tracking your progress, you're going to have some ups and downs, but it's really easy for me to look at that and know that maybe I need to reach out to you.
Maybe you're struggling in a particular area. Maybe it's just been a rough week. And that. Totally happens, but it helps me know even though you're in a group coaching container that you personally might need a little more intervention, a little more support, a little more feedback. So, um, I'll be reviewing those each week.
I am personally in a coaching container that is structured this way and I love it so much that, um, that's what I wanted to bring into the Brave Widow Mastermind. And then if you're not already part of the Brave Widow membership community. Then you will have access to everything that's in there,
which is all of our courses and workshops we've had in the past. We have live group calls where we connect with other widows and just all the resources we have there. And then for anyone who signs up, For the Brave Widow mastermind this week, then, um, I have some Brave Widow swag that I am mailing out and I've ordered some custom stuff.
I'm just waiting for all to come in. And, um, I'm really excited about getting that out to you. So this is what the mastermind looks like. Again, it's six months of group coaching where we have some education time and then also real time coaching feedback. Um, Answering your questions, giving you some coaching there and two hours each week.
So any, um, if you would like more information, if you're interested in signing up, then if you go to brave widow. com slash mastermind, you can find more information there and I also put it on the homepage, but, uh, we are starting on Monday, August 26. And I know Labor Day is the next week after that, but, um, we will do it on another day that week.
Um, we, we will do, have that support and that coaching each week. And then, again, for tomorrow, let me stop sharing this and go back to my schedule here. Um, I will be talking about it more also coming up this week. So, again, for our schedule, we have tomorrow, we're going to talk about grief myths, Wednesday, I'm going to take you more into a deep dive of what the mastermind is going to look like, what the tracking is going to look like.
Thursday, we're going to talk about therapy versus coaching. And then Friday, if you have, you know, more questions about joining, if it's right for you, if it's going to work for you, those kinds of things, that's, um, will be available as well. And then if you don't want to ask in this group format, or if you want, um, let me share this.
If you want
a little more, um, oh, Here we go. Sorry, technology, technology challenges. Okay. I'm also hosting, um, Mastermind consults this week. So if you want, like a one on one consult is free, there's no pressure. If you want direct feedback, like where do I, what do you suggest I start with? What, you know, what would my next step be?
Like, Emily, I wasn't really clear on your presentation, what my one next step should be or how I would go about doing that. Okay. You can have an hour of my time, um, this week. If you can't find time this week, then reach out to me and We'll find some mutual time that works, but I want you to have left this discussion or this week, this whole back to school week with something that you can actually implement, something that you can actually do.
I don't want this to be something that you felt like, Oh, you talked a lot, but I didn't really walk away with anything. So if you're thinking about joining the mastermind, if you want more information, if you have questions about it, sign up for a consult, I'm going to send out the links. So you'll have all that.
The links where you can learn more about what's in there, and then I'm going to be doing some deep dives this week as well if you have any questions. So, I actually have, um, we have a few minutes left here. Let me go back to the chat.
Um, oh, on the cost, sorry I did not say. So, it's 3k for 6 months. And if you want to do a monthly payment plan or if you want to split that up, then I can set that up for you. Um, that's no problem.
Any other questions?
Okay. Well, thank you guys so much for joining. You're going to get the replay to this. Um, and for those of you watching the replay, you're going to have the links in there as well. If you want more information or you want to sign up, um, I would love to see you there. I hope you guys have a great rest of your Monday and I will hopefully see you again tomorrow.
if you're a widow struggling to move forward and you want clarity and direction on your exact next steps. The brave widow mastermind is the perfect program for you.
In the Brave Widow mastermind, you are going to move from stress and chaos to routine and calm. You'll build confidence in yourself and your decision-making. Gain clarity and direction to get unstuck and track your progress to see the results for yourself. Go to brave widow.com to join the mastermind or learn more.
