BW 28: Grief Community: Why it’s important and what to look for

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Being a widow is lonely.  Isolating.  Brutal.

Today in episode 28 of the Brave Widow show, I’m going to share five reasons why having a community during grief is important and five things to look for to find the community that’s a good fit for you.

We talk about:

~ Grief must be felt

~ We're not taught how to process loss

~ Shared experience of loss

~ Wisdom and insight for decision making

~ A way to give back to others

Quotes:

~ You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. - Jim Rohn

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The Brave Widow Community is a place where you can connect with other widows, find hope and healing, and begin to dream again for the future.  Learn more at bravewidow.com.  

Hey guys, I’m Emily Jones

I was widowed at age 37, one month shy of our 20 year wedding anniversary.  Nathan and I have four beautiful children together.  My world was turned completely upside down when I lost him.  With faith, community, and wisdom from others, I’ve been able to find hope, joy, and dream again for the future.  I want to help others do the same, too!

FOLLOW me on SOCIAL:

Twitter @brave_widow

Instagram @brave_widow

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/bravewidow

YouTube@bravewidow

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Transcription:

hey, hey. Welcome to episode number 28 of The Brave Widow Show. Being a widow can be so brutal, lonely, isolating. It can really leave you feeling like no one else gets it and no one else understands. So today I wanna share with you the top five reasons why a community in grief is important, and the top five ways that you can find a community that's a really good fit for you.

 I wanna start with sharing one of my favorite quotes of all time by Jim Rohn, which is, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Now, bear with me, I know there's lots of fives happening already in the first few minutes of this episode, but truly as I thought about the ways that you could understand why having a community is important and how you could find the community that's the right fit for you. Five was just that number that that worked out really well. So let me start with the first one of why having [00:01:00] a community in grief is so important.

Grief must be felt. Now, this is somewhat counterintuitive to that part of our brain that wants to protect us, that wants us to not feel pain is we don't wanna have to go through the pain. But any sort of growth in life requires processing pain, processing feelings and emotions to be able to move through them. A lot of times you may hear people say, the only way out is through when it comes to processing these types of things. So when you have a community, it is easier to be around other people who are also trying to process the same types of emotions, feelings, guilt, frustration, challenges to be able to feel like you can fully embrace it and go through that. If you suppress your grief, you may have what's called incomplete grief, and this will manifest in the body. So a lot of [00:02:00] times this can manifest as tension, headaches, fatigue, just overall aches and pains. A lot of times it will also cause stomach issues. So you may be nauseous or have indigestion or be unable to eat as you normally would. Maybe you overeat or undereat. But if you suppress your grief and you don't try to process those thoughts and emotions, then it will start to seep out of your body in another way, which is not healthy.

The second reason why having a community and grief is so important is because, culturally, we're not taught how to process loss. So we covered this in another episode on the Grief Recovery Handbook. But essentially, in general, as a culture, especially in America, we're focused on fixing and soothing problems. So if someone's crying, we say, oh, don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. It'll be okay. We wanna soothe them. Think about even [00:03:00] things that you've lost that were small. Maybe you lost something that meant something to you. You lost your favorite t-shirt, you lost your phone, you've lost just something in general. People are quick to tell you to essentially get over it. It'll be okay. Don't cry. Don't worry about it. You know you're gonna bring other people down. There's a lot of things that we are taught in processing loss that are not helpful, especially when it comes to processing grief. People also tend to put a timestamp on how long you should be grieving, so you'll have some people that feel you should grieve for at least one year or five years, or 10 years, or for the rest of your life, everyone has their own opinion about what your grief timeline should look like. So having that community who gets you and who understands that there is no perfect timeline is really helpful as you're moving [00:04:00] through your healing journey.

A lot of times what we need is just someone who will listen as we work through some of those things with processing and loss and having that community is a perfect place to accomplish that.

All right, number three on reasons why having a community in grief is so important is the shared experience of loss. You want someone who gets it. You want someone who understands, even though they may have had a different experience or a different relationship with their person, how much it changes your identity, how much it changes your plans for the future, how difficult it is to cope with brain fog and trying to accomplish things that you normally would. And it really just helps being in a place where other people are able to understand that deep sense of loss and change of identity. It almost becomes this safe space where [00:05:00] people don't judge you. There's fewer misunderstandings and there's a heightened awareness that everyone's journey through grief is different, and so having that community of people who are very understanding is really helpful.

Even when the way that you are healing or what that looks like for you can be very different. You can also get hope from people who are on this journey, so you can look at someone who's further ahead of you, who's. They're, they're looking at life in a, through a positive lens. And one of the things that I did, you know, as, as I was joining these different groups is I didn't wanna be in a group where people were five years out and still just experiencing this deep sense of sorrow and hating their life every day and feeling like there was no hope for the future.

I wanted to be in the groups where people didn't sugarcoat the reality of what going through the process is, but they were able to [00:06:00] have hope and joy and to start thinking about what their dreams look like for the future. And in the beginning I didn't know, well, how can these people be happy again?

Did they not love their person? Did they not, were they not married as long as I was? You know, how was it possible that they could have joy again? So even though it was hard for me to understand how it was possible, I still knew those were the kinds of people I wanted to be like. So those were the types of communities that I started to join and become more active in because I wanted to be able to become like them too.

It's really helpful if you are, especially in your first year or two of loss, to hear from somebody who's 3, 4, 5, 10, 20 years out that tells you it's gonna get better. You're gonna be okay. You know, here were the things that were helpful for me. Here's what I did. That might work for you, but it hurts right now and it's really painful, but it does eventually get better. It can eventually get better.

All right. [00:07:00] Reason number four, why having a community during grief is so important is for wisdom and insight for decision making. So when you lost your spouse, you most likely lost the number one person that helped you just make decisions. So whether it's what outfit you should wear to an event, whether it's what kind of cable provider you should go with, what phone service you should go with to how to handle if a kid misbehaves at school and what the right thing is to do for them. You've really lost that almost safety net of someone else who looks at your logic and reasoning and has their own perspective that they bring to the table. Maybe they usually see things in a way that you didn't, and so you were able to make better decisions. Maybe you were insecure about making decisions and they were your cheerleader to tell you, it's gonna be fine, you've got this, keep going. They [00:08:00] just gave you that reassurance that you were looking for. Whatever it is. You've now lost that number one person who filled that role in your life. And so having a community of people around you who can, in their own way, feel a piece of that gap is really important.

One of the things that I did to help with this is I had my community for different things that I wanted advice and feedback on, and then I also looked for different industry experts and partners to help me with just different choices or decisions that I was trying to make, whether that was what type of security system to go with, whether it was, how to handle a part of my piece of land or whether or not to buy my house, sell my house, what the market was looking like in real estate, whatever it is, in a wide variety of areas, I really tried to form friendships, partnerships, relationships with people who [00:09:00] were experts in those areas were really well versed to help become that person. I could bounce ideas off and talk things through with. And by doing that, it really boosted my confidence in making decisions about what I would be happy with long-term, what would be best for me and my family. And because some of those people are such experts at what they do. A lot of times they can understand your unique situation and try to walk through some options that will work best for you. Now, obviously not every person who's out there in these different industries want that kind of relationship, are capable of maintaining it or are looking to give back. But one of the things that I've shared, for example, on the real estate side, joining a local real estate investing group and being around people who, their primary goal is to give back. They wanna learn how to get better and they wanna give back and help other people learn and be better. And environments like that [00:10:00] are really, really good to be in. Whenever you are trying to make decisions or learn about something new, you want people who are proactive and love to give back.

All right. Speaking of giving back, number five on why having a community in grief is so important is because it's a way to give back and help others. This was something when I first was widowed and I joined these support groups and, and different widow communities. I really was looking forward to be able to help other people that were going through this pain. In fact, It's the reason why Brave Widow was founded was because the pain and sorrow of what I went through was so great. I couldn't imagine not being able to help at least one other person or thinking that something positive had to come out of this experience or else it just, the pain felt like a huge [00:11:00] waste. So certainly I wasn't really able to help anyone much in those first couple of months, but, I learned a lot. I had my own experiences and I was able to fairly quickly in the first few months, start chiming in with helping other people maybe who had just received the news the week before, the day before, that day.

Maybe they were given a terminal diagnosis earlier in the week, and so they hadn't lost their spouse yet, but they were trying to find answers on what to expect in this process. Any quick way that you're able to help someone else, you're able to encourage them or share insight from your own experience creates a really, a strong sense of fulfillment inside of you that, um, just makes you feel good whenever you're able to give back and help other people.

All right. Top five things to look for in a community to know if it's a good fit for you.

Number one is shared [00:12:00] values and goals. So what values or pillars does that community operate by? What goals do they strive for? For example, there are some groups out there that will encourage coping mechanisms that are risky or unhealthy, and a lot of times what you'll see in those groups is people saying, do what feels good.

You do you, you know, Follow your heart. Just let yourself, you deserve it. You've gone through all of this pain and you're carrying the weight to the world on your shoulders. Just you go do what you wanna do now, just take time for you. And it sounds really good, right? Like who doesn't wanna hear somebody say, oh, do what makes you feel good and follow your heart, and those types of things.

But the problem is that usually includes things like overindulgence, whether it's a hookup culture, whether it's going out on spending sprees with money you don't have, whether it's gambling, whether it's[00:13:00] overeating, whether it is using psychics or mediums or really, I've just seen such a wide variety of different things that people promote and recommend that it sounds and feels really good. Right. Like, oh, you deserve this. Just go. Just go do it. But the problem is that these are behaviors which are often risky. Unhealthy and unfulfilling. It is a bottomless pit of things that you will chase and chase and chase and it will never be enough, and it will create these longer term habits that are destructive.

For example, if you're into retail therapy, as we love to playfully call it, and you are spending money that you don't have left and right. You continue to do that for a period of time. At some point, you're going to run out of money. You're going to max out your credit cards. You may file bankruptcy.

You're going to run out of money. If you [00:14:00] continuously spend more than you have and more that than you bring in on things that you most likely don't even need. Be careful as you're looking at different communities and groups to join and evaluate what are their pillars and their values? What do they recommend people do to have a healthy, positive grieving and healing journey?

All right. The second thing to look for in a community to know whether or not it's a good fit is a combination of help for the hurting and hope for the future. So you want an environment where there is help and resources and a focus around people who are just really hurting. They're struggling, they're hurting.

They need help getting organized. They need, checklists and tools and resources and education, and they need to learn how to do a budget for the first time. They need to [00:15:00] learn how to mow their lawn for the first time. There's help for people that are in that stage, but that's not where it stops. You also want the additional step of people who are building hope and having joy again for the future.

If you are in a group and everyone is miserable and depressed and feels like life is hopeless. That is gonna weigh you down. And what I see happen in a lot of groups is that as people move through their healing journey, they start to leave because they have healed through a lot of that trauma and loss, and they want to look forward to the future with a mostly positive outlook.

They're trying new hobbies, they're coming up with new goals. They're accomplishing things that their spouse will be proud of them for, and so they wanna be able to share some of those ones and successes, and it's really hard to do that if you're in an environment where, 99% of the people can't even fathom [00:16:00] how you have healed through this.

So you want really a blend of people who are newer in the journey, maybe longer in the journey and have healed. Don't assume that people who have been grieving for five years are, are now healed because some people suppress it. But you want a good mix of people who. Are hurting and going through challenges, but also have healed and are excited about the future, and are working on some of those positive things.

You want an environment where people are making progress in their healing journey.

The third thing to look for in a community is connection with other widows. So the opportunity to share to learn, to encourage each other, to maybe hold each other accountable. So maybe you set a goal that says, you know what? I'm going to declutter this room in my house and I want someone to ask me on [00:17:00] Monday if I've done it. You want to have that ability to have accountability with each other and, and to check in with each other. Now, this could be live meetups in person. It could be virtual sessions over Zoom or Skype or Google meetups. It could be over the phone. It could be through like Voxer or a texting group, something through WhatsApp, through something like that. But it's important that you have the ability to connect with other widows and to learn from them, for them to learn from you, and for you to have a good shared experience.

The fourth way to know if a community is a good fit for you is, is there an area of self-development and growth? So is there education, is there opportunity to learn, to improve, to heal? And are there resources to help you or is it a, a group [00:18:00] where everyone shares and if so, That may be okay, but what is, how, how do you make forward progress? How do you continue to reduce the overwhelm in your life to become more organized, to feel that you can get your feet underneath you so that you can start creating a future that you want. It's important for you to have an environment that also has an emphasis on self-development and growth.

 Number five is the ability to process grief. So ideally you would find a community that has things like c oaching one-on-one, small group coaching, maybe grief share or even a mastermind concept. And essentially in a mastermind or a hot seat type setting, it's a small group that meets together.

You may have one person where that week it's their time to talk the majority of the, the time that they're there, and then they may want [00:19:00] feedback or input from other people. And next week it kind of rotates and goes around the group so that every person feels like they have the opportunity to talk, to share either experience or their stories or their challenges and frustration, and to ask for feedback back from the group if they want that. But it's important within a community to have some of those options to be able to further process your grief. It's a little difficult in a setting of 30, 40, or 50 people to really feel like you are getting the one-on-one attention, or you are getting the focus or that you even wanna speak up when it's a group that big. If I was in a group of 50 people, most likely I would not be the first person raising my hand to stand up and share all about my journey and my experiences so that I can process my own grief and emotions. I'm much more likely to do that in a way smaller setting. Especially if it was one-on-one. So those are some of the [00:20:00] things that I would look for specifically in a community to know whether or not it's a good fit for you.

So just as a quick recap, it's important to be in a community during your grief and your healing process so that you can process your grief. You're not suppressing it. It's not oozing out of your body and aches and pains and headaches and stomach issues and those types of things. It's important to be part of a community to help with some of those things, but you also wanna be mindful of what type of community you're joining and some of the key things that you should look for to know whether or not a community is the right fit for you.

Now, obviously we have the Brave Widow community, and I cannot go on without putting in a shameless plug for you to come and join us where we do have a lot of the things that I've mentioned here. We do have coaching, we do have live events, we do have educational sessions. We [00:21:00] do provide resources and checklists and things that are helpful for the widows that are part of the community there.

But I also understand that it may not be a good fit for everyone. So while I'm totally biased and think that it's a great place and a great home for you, I would love for you to check it out and judge that for yourself. And whether or not you join the Brave Widow community, I would love to see you as part of a community that helps support you in having a healthy, successful grieving and healing experience.

Emily Jones: ​Hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your heart, binding hope, or achieving your dreams for the future.

Do you need a safe space to connect [00:22:00] with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.

Inside you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn more.