Michelle Klinetob
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[00:00:00] Hey, welcome to episode number 66 of The Brave Widow Show. Today I talk with Michelle and she shares her story of grief and widowhood. But before I dive into her story, I wanna make sure you're in the know because. Some of you are not in the know, you are out of the loop of what is going on over in the Brave widow community, and I feel like you're missing out and you don't need to miss out.
There's no reason for that. So we've had several live events happening this week at the time that this podcast is airing, and you need to be in the know of when these are happening because even if you can't attend them. Live real time in person slash on camera. Then you can always watch the replay and you can get all sorts of information and.
Connection with widows that otherwise you wouldn't. For [00:01:00] example, November 28th, Tuesday evening, we had Elaine Roth who attended a live Q and A session. Elaine is a young widow and newly published author, and if you're watching on video, I am now holding up her book. Her novel, the Midnight Garden by Elaine Roth.
We had her on the Brave widow Show November 28th, 2022, and a year later. We did not plan that date, by the way, but it was awesome how it worked out. She came and hosted an open Q and A session, and she answered all questions that you submitted or that you asked about. What it's like being a young widow and an author and what it took for her to get her first book published, and she talks about the hundreds of queries that see that she submitted to agents and all the rejections that she [00:02:00] got and how she just kept going.
She kept moving forward. She did not give up on her dreams. She's incredibly resilient and she has a beautiful story. To share with you. So if you did not attend the Q and A and you did not sign up to get a link to the replay, you are really missing out the members of the Brave Widow community that live event is uploaded, so you can listen to that.
We also. Thursday, November 30th hosted two workshops, one of which was completely brand new, and I'm so excited with how it turned out. The first one is how to actually help a widow, and we helped explain what widows go through the best way we can for someone who's never been widowed. We talked about why it's hard for widows to accept help.
To ask for help. I shared an entire list of things that people can do to ask for help. So if you need ideas on [00:03:00] asking for help or if you want to help and you're not sure how we covered that and so much more, it was so good. And I'm not saying it because it was me, but so much. Energy and effort and love went into sharing that information, and the interaction and the chat and the q and a was so, so good.
So.
Right after that, we did the Getting Unstuck from Grief Workshop, and I also love the interaction there. We talked about why it feels like we get stuck in grief. It talks about ways to identify if you are stuck in grief, if you're not able to move forward, if you can't see the path forward. And we talked about different areas that you could evaluate to identify whether or not.
You truly are stuck, what that means and how you can identify one to two things that you could work on, steps that you could take to actually [00:04:00] start moving forward again. So if you're not aware of these live events, when they come up, if you're not hearing about them, if you're not seeing them, then you need to be on the email list.
And the way to get on there is to go to brave widow.com/free, FREE. That's where I share updates on the live events. You are gonna be amongst the first to know we are gonna start in January. You ready for the spoiler alert? We are gonna start in January, a series on dating post-loss, and even if you don't feel like you're ready or you're not sure if you're ready.
You're just a little bit curious. You should definitely still join us for that because I get a ton of requests for that. That's gonna be, that's gonna be really good. 'cause let me tell you, I have made many mistakes through dating post-loss. I have talked to hundreds of widows who have made also mistakes.[00:05:00]
So guess what? You're gonna get to learn from our mistakes for free, and I'm going to hand walk you through creating a profile. What you should put on there. Should you tell people you're widowed? When should you tell people you're widowed? Should you keep wearing your rings or not? What kind of pictures should you have on your profile?
When should you introduce people to your children? Listen, all the good stuff. All the good stuff. All the questions you have about dating, and even if you're like, I was in the beginning. I'd never been on a dating app before. I was just really curious to know what kind of people are out there and if there was still hope for me.
And so, yeah, it's gonna be really good. And the only way you can know about that is being part of the Brave Widow Membership Community, which we would love to have you in. It's an awesome community. And being part of the email list, which you can [email protected] slash free. All right. [00:06:00] Let's dive into Michelle's story.
Emily Jones: Welcome to The Brave Widow Podcast. I'm your host, Emily Jones. We help young widows heal their heart, find hope, and dream again for the future.
Emily: Hey, welcome to another episode of the Brave Widow show. I have a special guest here with me today, Michelle Kleintob, and I'm excited for you to hear her story, her insights, and things that she has to share with you. So Michelle, welcome to the show and thank you for joining me today.
Michelle: Thank you for having me.
as you said, my name is Michelle. I'm 37. I live in New Jersey. I have two kids ages 8 and 16. a registered nurse and I currently work in the hospice field, which is not [00:07:00] ideal, but I'll get into that when we kind of tell my story.
Emily: Okay, yeah, thank you for that. And I think we can start your story, you know, wherever you would like to start.
Michelle: Sure, I'll start with, how we met. Um, so I met my husband, Walter through work. , I was working as a bartender in Atlantic City and he was a busboy. It was a second job for him. He is, well, was a boiler. Engineer through the union down here and I was bartending my way through nursing school. So I had already had my son.
He is from my first marriage. so we met working together and, we became friends first. He was actually dating someone when we first met. Then he broke up with that person and we kind of started seeing each other and it was like, Instantly, we were in love. He describes it as, so we went on a date.
Our first, our first date, everything was good. We had a blast. Our second date, he took me to a karaoke bar and I had, he went [00:08:00] outside to smoke a cigarette and I signed him up to sing the song Womanizer by Britney Spears. And so when he came in, they called him up for it. And, he said he fell in love with me that moment, like, you know,
Emily: that was it.
He was like, yep, this is the one.
Michelle: He's like the fact that she has no problems messing with me.
Emily: I love that. So what about, what about him caught your eye? What, what did you like about him?
Michelle: Um, he's very intelligent. He was funny. And then, like, when we did start dating, I was very adamant about, You know, if this was going anywhere that he had to be accepting of my son and my son had to accept him, like, it's, it is going to be beyond casual.
They had to meet and get along and like, he instantly took to my son. And from that moment on, that was like, when we married, that was his son. It wasn't ever his stepson. He never described him that way. Like that was his [00:09:00] kid too. So just the fact that he could go accommodating to like, and we were in, I was, he's three years younger than me.
So I was 27 when I met him and he was 24. So being 24, taking on a six year old a lot, and he had no problems doing that.
Emily: Oh, well, that's awesome. He sounds like a very fun, wonderful person.
Michelle: Yeah, we had a blast. Our relationship is a whirlwind. We got engaged. We started officially dating in October of 2013.
We were engaged by January 2014. I did get pregnant shortly after we got engaged. Unfortunately we miscarried. And, then we, he bought a house and we moved in all together, me and my son and him. And, I did get pregnant again, that pregnancy stuck and became my daughter. But we got married right away after I was pregnant in August because I didn't have health insurance and he had amazing insurance through [00:10:00] the union.
So, we got married. Okay. We got married in a beach and , we lived, um, and the only witnesses were the person that, um, did the marriage. And my brother-in-Law and his girlfriend, who's now his wife at his, is now his wife, was his girlfriend at the time. And that was August 27th, 2014.
Okay. And then, yeah, we were together ever since.
Emily: All right. And what was it like just having life together and raising children together?
Michelle: I mean, I'm not going to say everything was perfect because it wasn't. I mean, when two people you're going to fight, I mean, that's just normal. He had some, mental health issues, that he wasn't. Getting treated. So I did help him with that. He had a lot of childhood trauma. But we worked through that together, but like on a normal day to day basis, things were fun.
He was always, he could always make me laugh. It didn't matter. And we just always had like little inside things that we did together. Like I was [00:11:00] telling my brother in law just recently, like I miss, we both of us hate it laundry, so we would wash it and dry it, but like folding it was. Neither of us like doing it.
So I was like, I walked in the laundry room the other day and I was like, Mount laundry. Cause that's what both him and I would call it. And I was like, I miss having that with him. Because if I tell somebody else that they're like, what, it means nothing, but we always had like little inside jokes. We worked opposite shifts.
Um, so I worked days and he worked 3 to 11, but we always made, he was off Wednesdays and Thursdays and I was off on the weekends, but we always made time for each other. Everyone's date night, we had a date night. Whether it be at home when the kids would or let's kids so we could do something and then I made sure to stay up Friday and Saturday nights so I can spend time together.
So, like, we made it work. Oh, that sounds lovely. You know, the cards we were. Yeah. And he was a great dad. He, like I said, with my son, he stepped up to the plate and that was [00:12:00] his son, was never a stepson and my daughter, he loved her to death. That was the apple of his eye. Did everything, anything he could for her.
Wanted to teach her everything that he knew. He was teaching her how to cook and. They went on bike rides all the time together. He was taking her to all the playgrounds in the state of New Jersey. Like, so he was always doing things with her. With my son, they watched it. Both of them are huge football fans.
So, but different teams and they would, um, you know, tease each other.
He would take them to games and stuff. They like different football games and baseball games. So, they were always, you know, still doing stuff together.
Emily: Okay. And then, uh, how long were you guys married?
Michelle: Nine years. Together for ten, married for nine.
Emily: Okay. And do you mind to share how you lost him?
Michelle: Yeah. So that is, um, it's a weird story. Um, so he, I'm actually, hold on. So he went to work. It was [00:13:00] April 24th. He, I was home that day. I was sick. I saw him in the morning and in the afternoon before I left to pick up the kids for school, and he hadn't left until I did see him.
Um, I went to say goodbye to him, and I said, I don't want to kiss you because I'm sick, and he said, no, come here, and he said, I'm going to get sick, I'm going to get sick anyway, we'll sleep together. So, I kissed him goodbye, I left, went and picked up the kids, um, I went to the doctor, turned out I had a strep throat.
We talked a couple times throughout the night. Last time we talked was probably like And probably like eight 30. We talked on the phone. The kids were, I remember they were fighting and bickering back and forth and I was telling them to knock it off. And he was like, you sound busy. You should go. Okay. So he said to not worry about it. Go to sleep. Um, he knew I wasn't feeling, he said, I know you're not feeling well. I'll just get some rest. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I love you. So I said, I love you [00:14:00] and hung up. Um, And then I went to bed. I went to bed early.
I was sick. Um, I woke up the next morning. Uh, keep in mind the next day he was supposed to work a double. So he was supposed to work 7am to 11pm the next day. So by the time I got up in the morning at 6:30, he would have already been gone. Um, so I woke up. I went downstairs, and it looked like he hadn't come home.
Like, that's the only way I can describe it. It just looked like he hadn't come home. Like, he wouldn't have come upstairs. I know he wouldn't have come upstairs because he wouldn't have wanted to wake me up. So he would have ended up sleeping on the couch, but it looked like he didn't come home. So I called my brother in law, and I was like, Hey, have you heard from Walt?
And he said no. But he said the same thing. I know he had to work a double. Maybe he just came in and crashed on the couch. And I was like, okay, maybe, so I tried calling him, my husband, multiple times, nothing. The last text message I sent to him was, Hey, can you text me so I know you're alive? , I took my kids to school.
I got home, [00:15:00] it's probably about eight 30, nine o'clock now. And I got a call from his job saying there was an accident and they were sending him to the hospital. So I asked, like, what happened? Can you tell me what happened? They wouldn't tell me anything. I drove to the hospital. I got stuck in a tiny room, which is never good in case you're wondering.
And, they told me he had passed away. I lost my language, crying, sobbing, screaming the nurse, the doctor kept trying to tell me like logistics. And I remember like, cause I work in healthcare, I remember like looking at her and telling her to please stop. Like, I don't want to know right now.
Like, I'm just still trying to process that my husband's dead and, She still kept trying and I, I looked at her square in the eyes and I screamed again, part of my language, because she just wouldn't stop. So she got up and left, um, that day is a whirlwind. I don't remember a lot of it.
My mom showed up to be there with me. Um, they made me ID him, which was the stupidest thing I've ever had to do. Because he had his license, he had his driver's license and his. [00:16:00] Pocket and he had, he was wearing a shirt that had his name on it. So like, I mean, he was who he was. This is the part where it gets worse is, um, he had been dead a long time.
By the time I saw him, he was fully rigor mortis. His arm was stuck over, over his head. He was cold. It turns out like, again, the more and more I find out the worse, the worse it is, they initially told me he clocked out and was found in like the office. But as it did turn out, he never clocked out, so he never clocks out, he never turned in his keys, and he never turned in his radio, so it should have triggered somebody to look for him, but it didn't.
The last time he was seen, so there's cameras in the building he worked in, but there wasn't cameras in the room where he passed away. Um, but the last time he's seen on camera is at 9:36 PM going into that room and he's never picked up on the next camera. So, again, that should have triggered somebody. Um, I also found out, like, because I get people from that he worked with are talking to me and, like, I have a lawyer and stuff.
Like, it's a very big to do. He was found in the [00:17:00] doorway. His feet were in the doorway. And he was lying on the ground and he had a headlamp on because the room lights were off. So the light was on. So had they been doing their rounds, which they're supposed to do hourly rounds, they would have found them, but they didn't.
So to me, they weren't doing their job. So we don't know. We don't know the cause of death. They did a preliminary autopsy, which didn't show anything. And we're waiting on the toxicology report. Um, I do know that that night there was issues with the boiler. So, if I had to take a stab in the dark, I would say that the boiler released carbon monoxide in his face and that's what ended up killing him.
That would be, you wouldn't find that on him.
Emily: And has that,
has that I'm sure played a role in your grief of just wanting to know what happened and why I'm sure having to deal with just the events of the situation has, has made it even more challenging.
Michelle: Yeah, well, um, so he's only 33. So. And like the whole, it was, it was just a nightmare. It's still a nightmare. because the police are involved, so I like [00:18:00] still don't have some of his personal effects because they won't release them to me until there's a cause of death. Police were very accusational when they brought me in for questioning about why I didn't notice he wasn't home.
And like, when I talked to him, like my brother in law and I are very close. And when I talked to him, it was like, he's like, even if you did notice that you didn't come home, I wouldn't have. He would have already been dead by that point because he wouldn't have come home till 12:30. And if the last time you've seen on camera was 9:36, like he got right around probably when he died, if he was in the doorway still.
So, they were very accusational about that. Then they were, um, they were caught up on this whole Red Bull thing that, you know, they found Red Bull cans in his car and that must've contributed. He didn't drink Red Bull. The Red Bull cans were my son's. So it wasn't even anything to do with that. So it's just been.
There's no closure.
Emily: So, have you had, a good, I mean, it sounds like your brother in law and you are very close. Yeah. Have you had other family or friends kind of come around to you and support [00:19:00] you and your kids through this?
Michelle: Yeah.
When it first happened, I mean, my parents have been great too. They've been instrumental in helping me get through this.
I moved in with them temporarily right after he died cause I just couldn't go home. Like being in the house was just like a constant smack in the face that he was gone. So I did move in with them temporarily with my kids. My brother in law doesn't live in New Jersey, but him and his wife are very much supportive and involved.
And I have a couple of friends that are. For me that reach out and check on me all the time and make sure that I'm okay, because, like, I got to, um, I went to a dark place. So, they've been instrumental in keeping me in check so to speak.
Emily: Yeah, I mean, that's completely understandable even.
Without all of those other odd circumstances, right? Just the fact that you lost your person, your spouse, that can take you to a very dark place. And then you've got kids and I'm sure you're [00:20:00] trying to manage their emotions and their grieving process and balancing that with yours. Uh, what, what advice would you give somebody that they're like in the thick of it?
Like it's just happened or trying to manage it all. What advice would you give somebody in that situation?
Michelle: Um, so,
as I was saying, to be honest how you're feeling, everyone knew I was sad. That wasn't a question, but like, I kind of. Hold some of it back. And I mean, I did end up, I had,
Uh, she was in my face, wouldn't stop licking me. But tell somebody if you're there, don't let it get to that point. And then as far as with kids go, and like, I've been doing this because I have a friend who lost her, um, parents too. She lost her mom at 12 and then her dad in her twenties, but be open with your kids.
You know, you could tell them that this sucks. You're hurting, you know, mom's not doing great today. Cause I don't, and how I view it is I don't want my kids to think that I don't love them and I'm not there for them when I'm not [00:21:00] necessarily on, so to speak. Um, I still, they're always on my mind, but some days are just not good days for mom.
And like, I just try and be open with them about it. Like, so today's just not a good day for me. I'm, I'm still going to be there for you and I'll still do what I can, but maybe I, like, for example, with my dog, my daughter, like, I'm not going to get down and play dolls today, like, cause I'm just not feeling it.
Like, but if I tell her that and like, she knows that it, she responds better than me just saying no, or curling up and ignoring her and reading a book or on my phone, like, so she knows that I'm still. There and then lean on people because there's going to be people that are going to ask you what they could what they can do for you.
And just tell, honestly, tell them what you need. I need a night off from the kids. I need to go out and get a drink. I need to, I need help with the laundry. Cause you'd be surprised how much people want to help, but they don't know what to do because a lot of people just make food because that's what they think is what you need.
And I mean, I had so much food that like, I didn't really need food anymore. I needed help with other stuff. So [00:22:00] I was honest with like people I was close with. Like I can really just use a night off tonight. If you could just come watch the kids, that would be great.
Emily: Yeah, that's excellent advice, you know, I think, I don't know why necessarily as widows and probably being that caretaker role, we just tend to think we're supposed to take care of everyone else and we don't want help or need help or, but, you know, help isn't always going to be around.
So I definitely encourage people to take advantage of it as much as possible.
Michelle: Um, yeah, because it does die down. Yeah. About three months before I noticed that it started to dwindle away. Yeah. Like, the people I was closest with stuck around, but like, the other people started to, you know, they go back to their lives.
They do,
Emily: and, you know, they forget or, you know, just become focused on, on other things, and so.
Michelle: And it's not that they're being, you know, they're not trying to be mean. It's just, you know, their lives are still moving forward, whether ours are or not.
Emily: Exactly. [00:23:00] Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, any other thoughts or, imparting words of wisdom that you would share with the folks that have heard your story today?
Michelle: I, I, you know, what I heard I heard, my therapist gave me like a good piece of advice and I think it's good for everyone to kind of hear. So your grief is never going to get smaller. It's never gonna get quote unquote better, but you're going to grow around your grief. You're gonna change. You're not gonna be who you were before they died and that's okay.
But you're gonna get bigger than your grief.
Emily: Yeah, that's very true. Well, Michelle, thank you so much for coming on the show today. Um, it was a pleasure hosting you and appreciate you just being so open and sharing your journey with us.
Michelle: Thank you for having me.
Emily: Hey, hey, before you guys go, I just wanted to, uh, give you a quick reminder, Michelle brought up, um, asking for help, brought up saying specifically what you need help with, and [00:24:00] if you're struggling, if you're listening to this right now, and you're Widowed and you're thinking, I don't even know what to ask for help for.
My mind is blank. I'm not thinking clearly. Well, I have a free checklist that you can download and you can send, you can send to people who want to help. You can check off things that you want help with if you need ideas. Um, or if you, you know, someone who was widowed or who has had a loss in the family and you're trying to think of ideas and ways to help them, then this checklist will, Be a comprehensive list of things that you can do for other people who are grieving.
So the way that you can get that is to go to Bravewidow. com slash free, F R E E, and you will find that full checklist, um, chock full, uh, I think it's like four pages long of ideas of things that you can do to help a widow or things that you as a widow may need help with.
Emily Jones: Hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I [00:25:00] would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your heart, finding hope, or achieving your dreams for the future.
Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.
Inside you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn more. [00:26:00]
