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Emily: Hey, hey, welcome back to episode number 70 of the brave widow show today. I talk with Sierra Hayre Sierra is an author and illustrator and a mother of three and her children were young when her spouse passed. And we have a great conversation about radical acceptance. Of grief and of a new way of living.
And we talk about her journey into creating the new version of herself and, and rediscovering who she's going to be in this next chapter of her life. I think you'll really enjoy her story. Now, Sierra's riding in a car. So if you're watching on YouTube, you're going to see her sitting in a car. As we're talking and the beautiful Nevada sky, uh, through her window and in the background, I enjoyed that she's not driving.
So no need to be concerned for her safety. Just want to make that disclaimer. And if you're listening, you're going to notice that we had a few technical difficulties and challenges through our discussion, but. I still wanted [00:01:00] you to hear her story and what she had to share because I think she had a beautiful spirit and, just some great things that she has accomplished and, uh, overcome in her journey.
So before we dive into her story, I just want to remind everyone. Quickly that we are nearing the winter solstice event, which is happening on December 21st. So this podcast episode should come out at the end of November. You still have time to sign up to hear about this event and other events. And the best way that you can stay up to date on the events that are happening is by going to brave widow.
com slash free F R E E. And guess what you're going to find there free stuff. Lots of free stuff and emails and updates on more free stuff. So come check it out. If you're not on the list, you're going to miss out on things like our winter solstice event. We have it in the evenings, so you [00:02:00] can get a babysitter.
You can be done with work for the day. You can sit in your pajamas with a cozy blanket on the couch, like whatever. Makes you feel cozy and comfortable in this event. It's free and it's all about you. We're going to have a panel of widows that are going to answer some of the tough questions, the frequent questions that you have, and they're going to talk about a variety of topics.
So you get to hear answers on these from widows, just like you. We also have. Some activities we do, we share stories, we laugh, we cry, we give away stuff for free. Like, it's just a really great experience as our second time to host this annually and it's. Honestly, for a live event perspective, it's my favorite one that we host, uh, each year and I look forward to doing it for many, many years to come.
So come be part of that. And again, the best way to sign up for that and to hear [00:03:00] about where you can sign up for it is by going to Bravewidow. com slash free. We have all kinds of live events that happen throughout the year. That's the best way to hear about it. Alright, so let's dive into Sierra's story.
Emily Jones: Welcome to The Brave Widow Podcast. I'm your host, Emily Jones. We help young widows heal their heart, find hope, and dream again for the future.
Emily: Hey, hey, everybody. And welcome back to another episode of the brave widow show. Today. I have a special guest Sierra here with me, and she's going to share her story and some insights and tips that she has for other widows that are out there. So Sierra, welcome to the show. And thank you so much for being willing to come on today.
Sierra Hayre: Thank you so much for the opportunity to do so.
Emily Jines: [00:04:00] Absolutely. Well, Sierra, for our audience, if you don't mind, if you would share a little bit about your background and some about you, then we can dive into your story just wherever you'd like to start. Okay, um,
Sierra Hayre: so a little bit about my background.
Attended Bible college and, um, I did that, or I was a minister for a little bit, and then I went on sabbatical after my husband passed. Now I write, uh, devotionals and children's books and other things, and I'm a published author and illustrator. So that's what I do now.
Emily Jines: That is awesome. Now, did you also write books before your husband passed?
Sierra Hayre: Yeah. So, um, the, my first published writing was when I was 16 and it was a poem and it was combined with other, uh, writers and poetry and, it wasn't until our first daughter was born that, [00:05:00] um, I picked up a paintbrush and that was the first time I've done that.
Uh, it was like almost 20 years later. And so, my husband would encourage me, he, he brought out my creativity.
Emily Jines: Oh, that's awesome. I love that. I was curious if, you know, a lot of times people will change careers or kind of change their job in their career once their spouse dies. And I didn't know if you felt like you kind of stayed consistently on the same path or you noticed a change in how you wrote or what you wrote or, or if that looked different for you.
Sierra Hayre: Yeah, it, um, it really, it really did. Um, I, I stopped writing and I stopped painting for a while. Just, just because it was, it, he kept encouraging me and he was my, um, my cheerleader basically. And so I felt. As [00:06:00] if, you know, if I did this, I wasn't, um, like, there was no one to share this with. So, um, I stopped for a while.
I've I haven't painted as much since he's passed, but I would say I probably, I probably have painted maybe 2 canvases a year since then. And. Usually, it's like, 15 to 20, it would be a year easily, but I'm slowly getting back into it. My current fiancé bought me a typewriter, to help with writing and I've, I've plugged away on it a little bit and, so I'm, I'm slowly getting back to who, who I was, you know, because I, I was a writer before him and I will be a writer after.
It's just, um, just more in depth now, really, like the words are, they hold much more now.
Emily Jines: Well, congratulations, first of all, for having [00:07:00] published any kind of writing. I know that's not any easy feat, but it sounds like you're writing some helpful things and something that will be impactful. And it sounds like maybe you have a new cheerleader in your life, uh, who, who bought you the dive rider, which is awesome.
Sierra Hayre: Yeah. Yes.
Emily Jines: So, um, did you have children with your husband, uh, the time that you lost him?
Sierra Hayre: Our youngest daughter was 11 months old. She had just turned 11 months old on the day before. And so, yes. Okay, so we had the, we had Marley, which was 6, and then Fallon, which was 11 months old. Okay.
Emily Jines: And what was that experience like with, um, helping your children grieve or kind of seeing, you know, how you're trying to process everything yourself and then also be supportive for them?
It
Sierra Hayre: wasn't easy, [00:08:00] um, by any means, I, um, I had found out early in the morning after she had gone to school and I had thought about all day how I was going to, uh, approach her and explain, you know, daddy's not coming home, uh, but our, our background is, is Christianity and we, um, We have a very strong faith and so I basically just took that and when I went to my oldest daughter, you know, I let her know that, he's, um, he's no longer here, but he's with Jesus and he's in heaven and we will see him again one day and it's, it's going to hurt and it's going to feel like.
Like, this is it. Like, this is being like, we're dying too, but, um, we have to, have that faith that he's in a better place, even though we want him here.
Emily Jines: Yeah, um, I'm also faith [00:09:00] based and a Christian as well, and faith was a really big integral part of. My healing journey and cries for peace, um, but I also, you know, deal and talk to widows who, struggle with that, you know, like, why does God let this happen, you know, they, uh, really start to question their faith, which I think.
Initially is kind of a normal thing because your whole world's shaken up, but how, when you think about what role faith played and how you, you know, we're still just very trusting in that, what, what was that like for you? How did, how did you remain strong in that belief?
Sierra Hayre: So, I think, what helped me is that, so, my father was, uh, an elder in a church, and that we would attend, and he passed away in 2004, and at first, I blamed God, you know, I, and I stepped away from the church after that because I'm, [00:10:00] like, didn't, Why would you do that?
Like, why would you take my dad? Why would you, uh, how could, how could God do that? How could God do that to me? And I have the wrong theology. You know, I, I didn't, I didn't see it. I was seeing it from a very hurt heart and I wasn't seeing it from like the heart of God. And so this time around with my husband being taken tragically, um, I just, I pushed into Jesus because he's got to have something phenomenal planned.
Like, there's, that's just, he's got something better, even though I don't want to hear that right now, but there is something, something going to come out of this, you know, the kingdom of heaven is going to be,, Full of grace by as horrible and tragic as this was. So I had to believe that this wasn't done to be [00:11:00] done.
Like this was done for a reason. And I have to believe that God would not do it to hurt me.
Emily Jines: Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's a really hard question to wrestle with. And I think about it a lot. Like we live in a broken world and sometimes. We have free will and bad things just happen, you know, we have disease and tragedy and we have people that exercise their free will in a negative way and all those things we come against and that's part of it.
But, uh, very much like you, I believe that, you know, from God's perspective, this was, what was meant to happen and that. I just had to believe that I could still have peace and that I wouldn't be alone as I was going through that journey, which,
Sierra Hayre: Yeah, I just, I just pushed him further into because I'm like, I trust you.
Like, you are the only 1 that's been here for me. Even though I felt like my husband [00:12:00] was like, the only 1. That had been there for me, throughout things, and I just had to believe that, okay, no, God's there, like, yeah.
Emily Jines: So you're a mother with young children, you're trying to juggle, I mean, just having a baby, you know, there's not a lot of downtime or free time.
Sierra Hayre: Sleeping through the night and I was losing sleep because of the, you know, the tragedy and yeah, it was a mess. Uh, my self care, there was no self care. I, I lost a lot of weight and I was still nursing. All the i's were dotted and the t crossed the kids were safe and, fed and, and, uh, functioning and, um, and trying not to become, I I became very reclusive, too because I, I didn't struggle with my identity, but I did struggle with my [00:13:00] title.
And my title was. A wife, a wife and mom, and I was no longer a wife and now I'm just known as like a single parent and that word, it would just, I did not like it at all. It bothered me. And it's like, I didn't choose to be single. So there was a lot of things that I was wrestling with internal, that eventually I later had to, you know, um, talk to someone about.
Emily Jines: Yeah. So what words of encouragement would you give, you know, the mother of young children who's wrestling with that, who's struggling, who feels like life is pointless and she can't see just a light at the end of the tunnel at all? What, what's something that you would say to that person you wish?
Maybe you had heard.
Sierra Hayre: So there is a scripture that I held on to. And, um, right now I, [00:14:00] you'll have to Google it, but it was basically along the lines of, um, you know, better days are ahead. I have to believe that, you know, that my, the, the best days that I've ever had are not in the past, but they're forward.
And I'm going to continue to move forward, um, and just take him and his legacy with us. And, um, you know, I would do it because my kids were so young, we, we turned his birthday into all of our birthdays. So we all get presents. We all get cake. We do things that that he used to do, you know, just to keep them to keep them there on the forefront, but also to, um, I neglected myself and I wish I would have heard, you know, what are you doing for you?
You know, what have you done for you? And I think if I would have heard that. [00:15:00] Within the 1st, like, 3 months of him passing, I probably wouldn't have stayed so introverted and taken better care of myself, but things happen the way that they do. So, my message is like, just, you know, what have you done for yourself today?
Write it on your mirror, put it on a post it note next to your coffee pot, or your children's lunches, or on your steering wheel, like, What have you done, or what will you do for yourself today, you know, to take care of yourself? Does that mean like, you know, 5 minutes of reading or 5 minutes of not thinking, um, paint your toenails, you know, shave your legs, you know, something that, will make you feel like you're practicing.
You take a shower. Yeah. Um, you know, go buy yourself a new shirt,, just something that you will do for you because you need that.
Emily Jines: Yeah. Yeah. I wrote that down. What have you done for yourself today? And I think as mothers, [00:16:00] especially, it's very easy to get caught up in taking care of everybody else.
And, you know, for a lot of us, that's kind of the natural role anyway. And, uh, we're trying to take care of the kids. It is so easy to put our own well being on the back burner and it, it eventually will catch up if that's something you continue to do.
Sierra Hayre: And, and you have to be so careful because in your heart, you can become bitter towards, towards that.
And it can even come out in the way that you talk to your children. You know, and raise your children and you just have to be so, so careful and just make yourself a priority too. Like, you know, no one's there to take care of you anymore. Your spouse has gone. So now you have to worry about you too.
Yeah.
Emily Jines: Okay. So what was that first, you know, those first few months, that first year or two, what did that life kind of look like for you during that time?
Sierra Hayre: I was completely numb. I was still in shock. I was dealing [00:17:00] with what they call complex PTSD and, um, just any, I couldn't really drive. I couldn't be on the freeway or the highway.
I Didn't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to travel. I would have friends, uh, you know, bring me groceries or I would do like Walmart pickup orders. Um, I didn't want to be around people. I just, like, focused in on, you know, what the girls, what they needed, what they were going through and and then cobit head and.
Then I was trying to, you know, first grade homeschooling and, um, and I still couldn't, I still couldn't function, even though I was, I was. There I was present, but mentally I was checked out. I, I couldn't even read a recipe. And I would always cook and bake from scratch. And [00:18:00] if the, if the recipe had more than, like, 3 steps on it, I, I just couldn't, it would be overwhelming for me.
And the 1st year was. The second year is when the shock started to wear off and things started to get into perspective of, okay, all right, now I need to start, um, the girls are getting older, I need to, Figure out what we're doing, where we're going, where we're moving to, because we're not staying here in the house anymore.
Um, and, you know, I had to plan, um, the memorial and go through all the photos and all the videos and he was an avid photo and video taker, so there was a over a hundred thousand photos. Oh wow. To go through. And it just was, I had to like turn myself off. So I'm like, okay, business, just business focused.
Okay. This is what we have to do. [00:19:00] And I never really got to, to mourn really. And when I did, it would be at nighttime when the girls were asleep and I wouldn't sleep. Um, so, you know, you have to make time to mourn. Otherwise it all go into other things yeah,
Emily Jines: you definitely do. Um, we talk a lot about how emotions that are suppressed long term will start to manifest physically in the body.
And that could be chest pain, back pain, upset stomach, headaches, you know, you talked about struggling to eat or struggling to sleep and, uh, of course having a baby doesn't help with sleep usually, but, um, especially when we're suppressing emotions. Over a long term that really can it will come out in one way or another.
Sierra Hayre: Yeah
Emily Jines: At what point in your journey, did you start to feel like a [00:20:00] glimmer of hope that you know Maybe one day you could laugh again, and it would feel real or one day. You could be excited about something again.
Sierra Hayre: I Think it was it was probably I would say maybe 19 to 20 months after the passing of my husband and we moved into, um, a new community and it was a community that we, that my husband and I, we would, uh, frequent because. So we just thought it was so beautiful and how wonderful to actually like live there. And so we went there and I'm like, okay, this is perfect.
It's gated. The girls can grow up here and play and I wouldn't have to worry so much. And I started to get them into, um, gymnastics and jujitsu and, uh, dance, you know, so I was getting them out there into things and I'm like, okay, all right, this is. This [00:21:00] is how I'm going to be able to, like, speak to other parents and, like, just get out there, but it was still very awkward for me, but, but it was, um, being, watching my kids, give me strength that they had no idea.
But they were doing, and that's what gave me any glimmer of hope was, wow, you know, look at how tenacious they are and how well they are growing and able to do these things. And I'm over here, like, still afraid to talk to people. And they are just out there dancing you know, just living and I wasn't living, I was just surviving.
Emily Jines: Yeah. That first, especially that first year or so, definitely just feels like you're in pure survival mode.
Sierra Hayre: Yeah. Yeah. I was like that for probably about two and a half years. It just, it was very difficult. Like, it, it wasn't [00:22:00] until I realized that I wasn't taking care of myself.
Like, wow, I'm not, I'm still on survival mode. I'm. Not living at all. I'm not enjoying
Emily Jines: Yeah. And that was for me too. And I've actually, I prayed a lot about that. Like, you know, I, God, you have to pull my heart out of despair. I can't do this on my own. You know, I want to be able to enjoy life again. And I don't. I don't know how it's possible, but I think it is, uh, other people have done it.
And so, you know, it was just this weird journey of, wanting to be happy again, but knowing that doesn't mean you're just dismissing everything that happened in the past, right? Yeah. I sing it. Yeah. So what would you tell people? As they're trying to figure out how they want to rebuild their life or recreate themselves or really figure out now what that future can hold for them, what are some things they should think about, or maybe some things they should try?
Sierra Hayre: So one [00:23:00] of the things that I actually had to do was, it's called radical acceptance. So we all know what radical is, and accepting, and so it sounds like an oxymoron, but I had to accept that I was not going to be the person I was when I was married. I am a new person now. I, I have to accept that. I'm not going to possibly enjoy the things that I used to or like doing the things that I used to.
But who's this new person? So I had to find out who she was. Without my spouse, and so I had to radically accept, okay, I probably won't be, you know, Mrs. Beaver anymore, where I'm wearing the Philly, Philly apron and bringing, you know, homemade baked goods into the classroom once a week or whatever. But what is this new person going to do?
You know, she's probably still in there. But what are we doing now? How, how, how am I going to find her [00:24:00] and just, it takes, it took me some time, but then again, it also took me a very long time to get as far deep where I was to pull myself out. But yeah, just, you gotta, you know, accept that. Okay, so you're not where you want to be, but who are you now?
What, what do you like to do? What still makes you happy? You know, and that's where Like I've always loved the forest amounts and so, uh, as radical as it was, we moved to Nevada out of California and
here. It's absolutely gorgeous. So there's not much color. But being around a new environment and new opportunities. To, to do things like out here, they have, where you can paint the utility boxes and I'm an art nerd. And so that's right up my alley. There's just little areas that I can go and write, and view the whole city, uh, view the lights, you [00:25:00] know, get in touch with, try something new,, do something different.
Emily Jines: Yeah, yeah, I, I totally agree. I mean, it's kind of a rediscovery and figuring out, you know, what things you enjoy now, because it may be different than what you enjoyed before, especially when you're so integrated with your spouse and you've kind of become this completely new identity, like you said, so I think that's, that's really great advice.
What about any thoughts on. Yeah. Dating again or finding a new person or knowing that you're ready. Do you have any thoughts about that?
Sierra Hayre: So I, so painting. So I started my, the last couple of paintings that I've done, they have been very, um, emotionally deep and I, I painted them because I needed to get the emotions out some, somehow.
And I, which I did that. My daughter's [00:26:00] school, they were doing a, um, an art auction. And so I, I offered to volunteer a canvas and I ended up doing, it was like a. Oh, goodness. I think it was like a three by five really huge painting, to be auctioned off for the school. And,, I did that. That was scripture based.
And, I did that. Um, recently I've, I've painted my daughter's room. So, though I'm not painting canvases or pictures, I'm, I'm painting, The inside of the house or, learning how to build things with wood, I'm, you know, I, I'm a creator. And so now I'm just learning to create in a different way. And that just that brings me happiness because I stand back and I'm like, Oh, my gosh, I did that.
I can't believe I did that.
Emily Jines: Yeah, that's amazing.
And you're writing stuff and publishing things and, [00:27:00] um, tell share with the audience, maybe where they can find you if they want to read your book or or check out more of what you have.
Sierra Hayre: So I am on Instagram under, um, Sierra Jean, which is my author, handle.
Um, my children's book is on Amazon. Um, and then the other things, they're still waiting for copyright. And that's, takes a long time to get back the copyright. Um, But yeah, so those are, the two places where they can find me where I'm most available.
Emily Jines: Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Sierra, for coming on today and just sharing part of your story and advice that you have for other widows.
I really appreciate it.
Sierra Hayre: Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for having me.
Emily Jones: Hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your heart, finding hope, or achieving your [00:28:00] dreams for the future.
Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.
Inside you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn more. [00:29:00]
