Audio
===
Emily: [00:00:00] Hey, hey, welcome to episode number 72 of
the brave widow show today. I speak with Roberta love and her story is a remarkable story of resilience of overcoming some very unique challenges and. Having the ability just two years later to smile, to laugh, and to have found joy and rediscovery of her future self, which is amazing.
So let me introduce you to Roberta. Roberta Love is Italian. She moved to the United States about five years ago because her husband, at the time her boyfriend, got a job in California. She is a high school chemistry teacher and she currently lives in the Bay Area of California. I cannot wait for you to hear her story and her thoughts on rediscovering your future and dating after loss.
Let's dive in.
[00:01:00]
Emily Jones: Welcome to The Brave Widow Podcast. I'm your host, Emily Jones. We help young widows heal their heart, find hope, and dream again for the future.
Emily: Hey, Hey, welcome back to another episode of the brave widow show today. I have a special guest, Roberta love, and I'm so excited for you to hear from her today. And we've got some interesting, good topics that we're going to talk through. So Roberta, thank you so much for volunteering your time and for coming on the show today.
Thank you so much, Emily, for having me. I'm so excited, uh, about this and excited to share my story.
Emily Jones: Awesome. Well, I know our audience would love to know a little bit about you. So if you don't mind, if you'll share just a little bit of your background and, um, your story, then we can just dive right [00:02:00] in.
Roberta Love: Thank you. Um, yeah, so my name is Rebecca, uh, I'm Italian. I was born and raised in Italy., I am a high school chemistry teacher, and I have started this job very recently. In fact, when I moved to the States, about five years ago. I met my husband, Jack, at the time I bought, I mean, I met my husband, Jack, in Germany, of 2016, um, he was doing, uh, postdoc study.
I was doing my PhD and very romantically, we met in a laboratory asking each other, do you need this instrument?
Emily Jones: Oh, I love that. That's like a good movie opener right
Roberta Love: there. Hey, do you need this instrument? Because I needed, um, and at the beginning, like. You know, we would just hang out as friends because none of our [00:03:00] friends in common, were very spontaneous.
And so it was always the two of us, and then we started dating. And then we both left Germany after living together, uh, because Jack, uh, got a job back in California. Jack he's from, he's from Boston. so he went back to the States, I went back to Italy. We spent one year apart. And then I decided to visit him during the summer after one year, and I came here with one suitcase and I never left basically, and we decided to go to get married, like after two months, I was visiting him.
Emily Jones: Wow. That's amazing. Was it a major culture shock or difference of being in California versus being in Italy?,
Roberta Love: a little bit. I've traveled a lot in my life. Um, I didn't feel too much of a cultural difference, um, with Jack. I think he's like, he was, [00:04:00] Jack was a little bit of like in the middle between American culture and European culture.
Um, and I think that's because also he has traveled a lot in his life. So it was a little bit of a cultural difference. Uh, I definitely didn't. I don't understand why people will go around like with huge coffee mug or tea mug the whole time. Which now I do, and I love it,
but even the simplest thing, they're like, why all the people are carrying some coffee around and huge quantities of coffee.
Emily Jones: I know, I know. I went to, um. I went to England for the first time, just, um, maybe a year ago, maybe it's been almost two years ago now. And, you know, just not knowing any better. I just walked up and asked for coffee and they're like, well, yeah, but what kind? I'm like, I don't, you know, just like coffee.
They're like, no, we don't just have coffee. You have. So I figured out how to order an Americano, but it was [00:05:00] definitely a big difference where you get the weird looks of you just want coffee. What, what does that mean? Yeah.
But yeah, so. You, um, you guys met Uber romantically by being like, Hey, do you need this instrument, um, in a laboratory, which is amazing.
And it feels like one of those things that was just meant to be where you came to California and you visited him and really just ended up staying with him from then moving forward. Um, was it very challenging just adjusting your life or you felt like it, everything just kind of seamlessly fell into place.
Roberta Love: Uh, it was a little bit challenging, but honestly, with Jack's support, nothing seemed impossible. Like, I didn't want to leave after spending one year apart, and like, we realized how much we loved each other. And so, we got [00:06:00] married, and I knew I had his stability and his support no matter what. And I'm also pretty determined, so.
I tried to find resources for myself, especially the first year I was here because I couldn't legally work. I was waiting for my work visa, and so I found a ton of volunteer activities to do, which gave me insight on what I wanted to do with my life, which was becoming a teacher. So it was challenging, but yeah, with Jack's support, it felt relatively easy and I never felt I cannot do this.
Emily Jones: I love that. I love how you said with his support, nothing seemed impossible, which is awesome. And I think one of the wonderful things about the relationship that we have with our person is that love and support is so empowering and powerful [00:07:00] and, you know, us just getting through those challenges of life.
So, um, how long were you married and together before you, uh, before he ultimately passed?
Roberta Love: We worked together for about five years and he passed away a one month short of our third year anniversary. So at that point, yeah, we were married almost three years.
Emily Jones: And was it something that was expected or completely unexpected or?
Roberta Love: Unexpected. , so it was, you know, like quite, uh, a surprise. He left, uh, we were coming after pandemic and We did a little bit of traveling together, and then we had a lot of bachelor and bachelorette parties that year because a lot of our friends were getting married after pandemic. [00:08:00] Um, so he flew with one friend to Kentucky, because one of our friend was having his bachelor party there.
And, he rented, they rented out to both. They were by a lake and somehow he slipped on the boat, hit his head and drowned. So it was I don't know. It's like, I, even to this day, it's hard to accept it because nobody really saw what happened. And so, yeah, I got the phone call and then in my head, it was like, okay, there is still hope.
Maybe they'll fund him. But in reality, I knew he was just bad and they ended up funding his body after a couple of hours. I got the phone call.
Emily Jones: Ugh, that has to be, that had to be a very Just, I, I can't even imagine how difficult of a situation that is, because he was in another state when that happened, right?
So you probably felt very helpless, [00:09:00] like, you can't go help look for him. Should you go? Should you stay? That, that must have been a very, just, helpless time that you went through.
Roberta Love: Yeah, I didn't like the fact that afterwards I realized, okay, the only time I'm going to see him in the last time is going to be at his funeral.
So that was also pretty hard to accept.
Emily Jones: So being, you know, in California and. Not having a lot of your family that's here, did you have a lot of good familiar support from his side or some friends that surrounded you during that time?
Roberta Love: I, I had a good support system, luckily. Obviously my sister, although she was, immediately when she leaves, um, she would call me every day.
Jack's parents and general siblings, his family was very supportive. They're awesome and still. Vacation with them. I go visit them every summer. Then [00:10:00] I had a ton of friends here. Luckily, they were a very good support system.
Emily Jones: So, oh, that's, that's great. I'm glad that you had that. I know not a lot of people necessarily get to have people that understand or show up or be consistent for them.
So I think that's, um, incredible that you had that level of support. So that's been what, just over two years ago now, and usually what, as I talk with people, kind of that two to three year mark is really where people are discovering, you know, who they want to be now, what their future looks like, because when our spouse died, a lot of those dreams felt like they just.
So what has that experience been like you, for you over the past couple of years, as you're trying to figure out who you want to be and what plans you want to have for the future?
Roberta Love: It has been quite a journey. As.
Jack and [00:11:00] I were both relatively young. I mean, I'm now 34. He passed away when he was 33. So obviously we were planning a future together. We just moved to a bigger place. And then after not even a couple of months, he died. so. It started with trying to figure it out my every day, like, uh, how I'm going to cover the rent by myself.
That was a priority, right? I had to figure it out that quickly. How am I, how am I going to make it until the end of the month? Can I, can I make it until the end of the month? And so at first it was like a survival battle., luckily, as I said, I had a huge support system and I knew that like, I would find a solution, and that support system would have helped me no matter what.
And then, after a few months, things start to kick [00:12:00] in, like, he's not here anymore. Like, we're not gonna have children. Um, like, I'm by myself now. And the realization that is not coming back. Um, so there's been a couple of years of what do I want my future to look like and envisioning this future without him.
It has been quite hard. Things have shifted. Um, and this still, I believe this thing will keep shifting. As I go through journey of self discovery. The first year I tried to take care of myself as much as possible. And I wasn't even envisioning a future., it was hard because I only took two weeks off from work after he died.
And then I went back right to work out of necessity, not because I really want to out of necessity. So the first year was like getting up, taking care of our dog. Going to work, [00:13:00] coming back exhausted, bringing the dog out again. Hopefully, I can eat something healthy and repeat all over again the day after, every day.
So the first year, I wasn't even thinking what my future is going to look like because every time I thought about it, I would go into desperation mode. Like, he's not here, we're never going to have children. Why did he have to die so early? Why did he leave me? And it was quite
painful because Jack was the best person I knew and our relationship was amazing. I truly, we truly experienced unconditional love. So now all of that is gone and I know that like, I'm not sure if I will ever get another chance.
Emily Jones: So for the person who's going through that right now, and they're asking themselves those same questions, [00:14:00] and they're just feeling like, you know, we were supposed to have kids. We were supposed to have a family. We were supposed to do all these things that we'll never get the chance to do. What advice would you give them or words of encouragement?
Maybe that were the most helpful to you or something that you focused on that really got you through that really painful time.
Roberta Love: I'm not sure what's the best advice. Because it was a struggle, but I think for me, work really helped because I was not going to let my students down., so I knew that my students needed me as much as I needed them.
And so that helped me realize that yes, my life was the love of my life was taken away. I couldn't envision a future, but in my everyday life, I felt needed and that propelled me to move forward one day after another. So I think the best advice that I would give [00:15:00] people is to try to, even like if you're exhausted, you have no energy, you don't want to do anything.
You just want to sit on the couch and cry for the whole day. I think the best advice I could give people is try to find. one activity that is totally new and try to give something back to people or to society. Because that kind of like helped me in focusing on something else. And as I said, it propelled me like to move forward.
As my students needed me every day and I was not going to let them down by saying, peace out. I'm out of here.
Emily Jones: Yes. Yeah, it, uh, I think sometimes it does help to feel like there's still some sort of purpose and meaning in the rest of your life because it is easy to feel like, well, [00:16:00] what's the point now, you know, I don't want to have to live my life if I can't live it.
With my person, um, so having that purpose, feeling like you're giving back or feeling that people are counting on you can be really helpful, you know, during that time, um, as you started to move through those months and think about, okay, well, who am I going to be now or what kind of things do I like to do now?
Uh, what did that journey look like for you as you started to maybe try new things or think about dreaming again for your future?
Roberta Love: Um, well, now I had a lot more time because Jack was not around. So our activities together were not there anymore. And so part of the self discovery journey is like, okay, what is one thing that I always wanted to try, but I never had time for.
So then I tried to find, um, a dance class. I always wanted to try a dancing [00:17:00] class, and it was not a priority in my life before and now I've decided, okay, I, I need this, I'm going to find a dancing class and I did. Um, it was quite embarrassing at the beginning, to be honest, like among all the other feelings and like feeling exhausted, just wanted to lay on the couch.
At the beginning, I was very unsure about it, but then the more I went, the more I realized, okay, I need this because for one hour of my dance class, I can just switch off my brain, listen to the music. I'm doing some physical activity. So that's good for my mental health as well, and I need that. So That was one thing I started like doing what do I need right now that would make me feel a little bit better, even for like 10 minutes.
So the dance class was [00:18:00] one. And then I started to apply the same kind of reasoning to other activities., so it was like, okay, what do I need. During the weekend, like my weekends are empty, Jack is not there, I'm exhausted and I would like to sleep the whole time, depression is kicking in at that point, right?
Like what do I need to do? What, what do I need to have to feel less lonely, to occupy my time? And sometimes the easiest thing was. just going on dates. Um, it was hard sometimes to see my friend because I knew that with with them I couldn't hide anything. And sometimes I needed a break from my mind. I needed a break from thinking of Jack and the loss.
And so sometimes it was easier to go on dates and talk to a stranger and pretend that everything was fine.
Emily Jones: [00:19:00] So as you were, were going out on dates and I love the fact that you took a dancing class and that helped, you know, take your, not take your mind off of things, but it helped you to focus your thoughts on something else and be able to just have your mind focused on that moment.
So as you were starting to date and talk to people, and like you said, almost have a sense of normalcy. Like my life is not defined by the fact that. I'm widowed. Um, were you thinking about dating like just for, companionship or friendship more so than trying to find a new relationship or how are you viewing it early on?
Roberta Love: Um, it was just for companionship. Like the loneliness at the point was so deep. Um, and I was screaming the hug, the physical touch, the attention. And it was easier to [00:20:00] look for those things in somebody that wasn't my friend, you know, um, because obviously my friend would also hug me, but it didn't feel the same.
So I was just going out for companionship, trying to switch off my brain for two hours, one hour and try to get to know the other person. Uh, and that was like a good distraction in a way.
Emily Jones: Right. So what were some things that you enjoyed about your dating experience? And what are some things that maybe were less enjoyable or that you, you wish you could have avoided?
Roberta Love: I would say while you went through different stages,
Some
good things is like definitely seeing new places. I've always been like, I get bored pretty easily, so I need to do different things in my life and, uh, going out and seeing new places [00:21:00] that definitely was like a good motivate motivation factor.
Um, which like kind of giving a break from my mind, it's like, Oh, this is a beautiful spot. I've never been here. Um, and it definitely like, um, helped me in getting to know people that I, otherwise I would have never maybe met in my life. And actually with a couple of people that, I started dating. Now we are very close friends.
And that has been so awesome because they were friends after Jack died, you know, and so they kind of like got to know me as already a widow and I didn't feel the need to justify my behavior, my erotic behavior, I didn't feel the need to justify my moodiness. And so it was actually [00:22:00] easier to see them than my regular friends at times, because they already got to know me like that.
And I could just, I was just feeling I could be myself 100 percent without people feeling like pity for me, or not understanding why I was feeling that way. They instead understood and they supported me. And so with a couple of those people now we have a good friendship, which is awesome.
Emily Jones: Yeah, that's great.
So it's almost like, as you were meeting these new people and becoming friends with them that, you know, they just knew you as you were now, not the person that you were before. So there wasn't like this overshadowing of, Oh, you used to do this and you used to be so happy and, you know, now everything's so different.
Like they just, all they knew was the person that you were today. And that probably did feel very freeing.
Roberta Love: Yeah, exactly. And also the validation, one other positive [00:23:00] aspect, it's a validation that like, everybody has things from the past. And I remember this one guy I went out with early on, he told me like, Oh, you just lost your husband.
It was like, maybe six months after, seven months after, Oh, you just lost your husband. I'm sorry, like, I cannot date you. You have too much baggage. And then. I'm looking at him and it's like, Oh, so you don't have any baggage? Like you're 35 if you don't have any baggage, where have you been living? Like in a vacuum?
Like everybody has baggage. Um,
so
that was like, kind of like beside that one guy, I was positive. Like I was surprised by the fact that like everybody has their own experiences. Some are more traumatic. Some are less traumatic. But like in that, I felt less lonely. Like, [00:24:00] okay, I'm not the only one struggling.
There are many more people that are struggling as much as me, more than me, less than me, but we're all struggling. So that felt less lonely.
Emily Jones: Yeah. Yeah. I, I totally agree when you're, you know, dating and you're in your 30s and 40s. I mean, I've seen a lot of people in their 40s that have never been married or, you know, they've been divorced three or four times.
And I think everybody has. Like you said, their own emotional baggage or even small traumas or things that they've been through where it's like. You know, we're, if you're living life, you're going to have some major challenges and things that come your way. And one of the things that I noticed, especially through dating apps and things is if I didn't make it a big deal that I was a widow and that I was going through all this and I just talked about it like it was normal, then generally the other person.
Didn't really [00:25:00] care. You know, they, you know, we would talk through it, they might have some questions, but it wasn't a big deal. But in the beginning, if I made it seem like it was a big deal, then I think that tended to either entice the wrong people or scare off , you know, some of the other ones that were like, ah, I don't know if I wanna handle all this.
So,
Roberta Love: yeah. But like, coming back to your question, negative things, ,
um.
It has been quite hard to adjust to people for me. Um, as I said, Jack was an awesome guy. Um, truly patient, kind. So I realized, like, That's not the normality, and it has been hard to sometimes justify what people say or people's behavior, without finding them at fault of something, or yeah, it has been quite hard for me to just like.
look at another person [00:26:00] and assume the best intention. so that's one negative thing. Uh, so I feel like that has taken a lot of my energy, that I don't really want to waste in a way because, like, because of what happened to us, right? Like, you don't want, like, to be out there. And, like, waste your time with somebody that's, like, playing games with you.
First of all, I'm too old for this. Anyhow, it's like, I'm not 15 anymore, so stop playing games. Or stop ghosting me. Like, why couldn't you just tell me? Like, hey, I don't want to go out with you anymore. So it has been quite hard for me to just, like, overcome the situation and not think about how awesome Jack was.
And on the other side, sometimes I, like, I'm too hard on myself. Like, uh, if this person gossiped me, have done something wrong. So it has been hard [00:27:00] on, like, I've been hard on myself too. Like thinking, okay, something must be wrong with me. So those are definitely two negative aspects I found out about dating.
Emily Jones: Yeah. Yeah, that, that can definitely. Online dating, first of all, online dating and those dating apps can be very hard on your ego. If you, if you get excited or have an expectation of an outcome, and, um, I don't know how many times, multiple times I would get on and off, on and off, um, because it's just exhausting, like repeating.
Who you are to people over and over and over. And I got to the point, I would just copy and paste, like, you know, they want to know about you and kind of your story and I would just copy and paste that in and I had to let go of. expecting an outcome or getting really excited about seeing a certain profile or somebody that I thought was super interesting and really kind of surrender [00:28:00] that this was going to be a marathon.
It might take a really long time, but unless it was somebody that just really added a lot of Value and just like sweetness to my life. I didn't want to be in a relationship where it was friction or confusing or, you know, like you said, people were playing games and, um, that I just, I wasn't going to waste time dealing with that.
So I think it can be hard when you're first dating to figure out, you know, you. You know the person that you were with, their flaws and their strengths, and you know that not every person is going to be perfect, but how do you decide? What flaws that you want to put up with and that you're willing to have friction with versus things that you're like, absolutely not.
I am not going to date somebody that has a temper or that, you know, can't manage their own money or whatever it is that you're running up against. So I always find that very [00:29:00] interesting and challenging going through the dating process. Yeah.
Roberta Love: And like, to be fair, I also met a few people like organically.
Like I was in a brewery and, um, I got, I approached me or I went, uh, skiing. And then I met a guy, like I met also people organically and when exchanging phone numbers, but nevertheless, it made me realize how much people know themselves and what they want. And that has been quite frustrating at times because yes, I have experienced a loss and I gone through.
an identity crisis of like who I am now without my partner. But nevertheless, because I had that awesome relationship, it made me realize I know what I want in a partnership. And so I never met a person and be Like, and I never was confused about [00:30:00] it. Like, this is what I want and this is what I'm looking for.
And I found very rarely that the person in front of me knew what they wanted or what they were feeling. Sometimes they couldn't even, like, localize it, what they were feeling. And instead, like, with Jack Dine, I Learn how to vocalize what I was feeling at all times because I needed to because so my friends could help me Like this is what I'm feeling.
This is what I need and so every time I met a person I knew exactly what I wanted from that person or what I didn't want from that person and Yeah, it's it was something that had surprised me. Honestly, like how little insight some people have and What's how they cannot express their wishes either because they don't know them or they don't know how to localize them.
Emily Jones: Yeah, I, I think, especially [00:31:00] going through what we have with losing our spouse, I think that really helps us sharpen our priorities. It makes us look at relationships and life in general in a whole different lens and perspective. And to your point, it's easier to say, well, this is what I want, because for me, I cared less about what people thought about me, or if somebody liked what I had to say, or didn't like what I had to say, I'm like, I, I doesn't matter to me.
You know, I am who I am and either that other person's going to like it or they're not. I'm not here to try to pretend to be somebody or something that I'm not. You know, there's, there's good and bad about being in a relationship with me. Here's what those things are. And here's, you know, what I'm looking for.
I think it gives us maybe more boldness to say what it is that we want.
Roberta Love: And no time for like playing around. Like, I mean, our spouses die, like the reason no time for anything, like, especially I felt[00:32:00] Jack dying at a young age, you made me realize how fragile the Yes , like there is no time for complaining.
There is no time for keeping a bad feeling for days because you might be gone one day. And so every time I met a person, I was like, okay, this is who I am. This is what I want, like, Oh, you don't know what I want. I'm sorry. Next, you know?
Emily Jones: Yes. So, uh, let's say that somebody is thinking about dating again and maybe they're looking for a relationship. Maybe they're just wanting someone to do things with, um, do you have any suggestions for them or any advice that you would give as they're thinking about whether or not they should give dating a try?
Roberta Love: Um, I think that everyone should give dating a try. Although I questioned like, am I [00:33:00] ready? Do I want to do this? And not all the experiences were positive. I think I gave myself the possibility to be open again. And some of the dates I've been on were quite refreshing too, because I met new people and I learned new things about people.
Also, I think Even, like, the best advice I could give, even if you think you're not ready, I think, like, everybody should give it a try. And we don't need to necessarily define intentions at the beginning. Like, I think it's okay to go on a date not knowing what you want to get out of it. It's absolutely okay.
And I think just being open to the whole experience might open new possibilities. Which we would never thought of otherwise. Um, so, I always like, this friend of mine suggested me [00:34:00] this, and I kind of like it. It's like, if you don't know that you're ready to go on dates, to meet new people, if you don't have the mental capacity because your emotion is struggling, that's okay.
Like you don't have to go on a three hours date because they're having dinners together, right? You can just go for coffee or a cup of tea and then it's like if you're having a great time Maybe you can do something else after the cup of coffee But if you're not having a great time, it's just coffee like after 30 minutes, you can leave it's fine.
And so With that logic I kind of forced myself to go out And even the act itself of like dressing up a little bit nicer than, you know, when I go to work and I deal with students, like it was, it pushes me to get out of bed and kind of like look less you know, look like, I wouldn't say ugly, but like it made me feel [00:35:00] nicer to just like put on a nice shirt and a little bit of makeup.
So overall, I think it's a reminder of like who we are without our spouses. We are still our own human being and we deserve other chances, whether the chance is. going for a one hour date and realize I'm not ready for this or like going for a one hour date and realize oh my gosh I'm having a great time.
So I think be open to the possibility that like we deserve other chances whether like whatever those chances are.
Emily Jones: Yeah. Yeah. I, I totally agree. And just the act of getting dressed up and looking a little nicer, um, even there for a while I was taking myself on dates and going out to eat and go to the symphony or the bookstore or whatever.
And it just felt nice to think of it as time for myself that I was doing things I was going to enjoy. And, [00:36:00] you know, even as you mentioned, thinking about meeting new people and having dates as just opportunities to meet new people. Um, I met several people on line that turned into like business relationships or networking contacts more than dates or anything else.
But even if the person that you're. Talking to doesn't end up being your person who knows they might introduce you to someone else in the future, or they might end up being a really great friend or someone that you can, form a relationship with over time. So, yeah, I, I think it's, uh, I think it's exciting and interesting to have that mindset that you don't have to have any expectations.
It doesn't have to be a big, long drawn out thing. It can just be something casual in a few minutes, but just the act. Of going through those motions can, uh, kind of lift your spirits up, at least for most of us.
Roberta Love: Yeah. And especially [00:37:00] like, I think it's you, like we learned the hard way is like, we don't want any people around that like, don't add any bodies to our lives.
Right. And so, like, I think be open to the possibility of just data a little bit. We might end up actually like knowing people that might add values to our lives. And I think that was the most positive aspect for me of dating.
Emily Jones: Yeah, I, I love that. Well, Roberta, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story and talking about finding the new future.
I can't wait to see what your future has in store for you. And, uh, just appreciate you speaking in some words of encouragement to the other widows that are out there.
Roberta Love: Thank you so much, Emily, for having me. This was awesome. Thank you so much.
Emily Jones: Hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I [00:38:00] would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your heart, finding hope, or achieving your dreams for the future.
Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.
Inside you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn more.
[00:39:00]
