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Emily: [00:00:00] Hey, welcome to episode number 87 of the Brave Widow show. Before I dive in today's episode, we need your help. We've had so many incredible and amazing stories of widows and widowers who have come on the Brave Widow show to share their story, their unique experience and their insights. We'll Encouragement and advice for other widows who are out there, and I would love your help in spreading the word so that other widows and widowers can also experience these amazing stories and receive the encouragement and the knowledge that they are not alone.
The way you can help do this is if you're watching this on YouTube, please go ahead and subscribe to the channel. If you are listening on Spotify, on Apple, or Google Podcasts, or anywhere else, go ahead and leave a review. Even if it's not a 5 star review. Although I don't know why it wouldn't be. This is an amazing podcast.
[00:01:00] So go leave a five star review. Even if you want to leave a one star review, I don't care. Just go leave a review, share what you genuinely think about the show and help us get the word out to others about the amazing stories and individuals who have volunteered their time and their vulnerability, really, to Share their story and to help encourage other widows.
All right, let's dive into today's episode.
Today I talk with Jillian Gentile, and Jillian decided to go to law school in honor of her late husband, and she has a really great story to share with you, here in the next few minutes. So let me introduce her. Jillian Gintile is from the Hudson Valley in upstate New York.
She became a widow in 2020 when her husband contracted sepsis from an injury he sustained during his service in the U. S. Army. She has a [00:02:00] 10 year old son, a dog, four cats. Now, she also told me four fish, a partridge, and a pear tree. And, uh, she is currently in her third and final year at Albany Law School, which is amazing.
So let's dive in.
Emily Jones: Welcome to The Brave Widow Podcast. I'm your host, Emily Jones. We help young widows heal their heart, find hope, and dream again for the future.
Emily: Hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of the brave widow show today. I'm excited to share that. I have a special guest with me, Jillian and Jillian, welcome to the show and thank you for being willing to come on and show your story.
Jilian Gentile: Thank you so much, Emily.
Emily Tanner: It's a pleasure to be here. Yeah. So I know our audience would love to know a little bit about you, a little bit about your background, and then [00:03:00] really we can just jump into your story wherever you'd like to start.
Jilian Gentile: Perfect. So I currently I'm a law student. I'm in my third year at Albany Law School. Prior to that, I was a teaching assistant at a day treatment center for children with severe emotional disturbance and mental illness. I spent about a decade doing that mixed in with some social media marketing. Wow.
Emily Tanner: Okay. Hold on here. So you're going to school for law. Yes. And you also did some incredible work with children and some emotional trauma there and social media marketing. Like you were Jack of all trades. Okay.
Jilian Gentile: Sorry, Jill of all trades, either one. Um, yeah, so I'm also a mom to a 10 year old boy, and a mom to a giant dog and 4 cats and 4 fish and a partridge in a pear tree.
So very busy, [00:04:00] very, a lot of stuff going on.
Emily Tanner: Yeah. Sounds like a full house, a full life, and, um, I'm sure that you must have had just a full and wonderful relationship with your husband too. So, uh, tell us a little bit about, you know, how you met him and really what that was like.
Jilian Gentile: Sure. So we met, um, as all romances start after 2000 online.
Um, he was, it's hard to date as a single parent. And I had recently left my son's father. Um, it was. Not a good relationship. Um, I had been in, um, a very abusive situation. Um, so I wasn't really looking to get into anything quickly. But at the same time, I was looking for a partner. I wanted to find an equal.
Um, so I was doing my thing, going to the gym, raising my son, working, and. Joe had reached out to [00:05:00] me and I thought it was a nice change from the usual, Hey, what's up? Or what are you doing? He actually wrote like a paragraph, uh, which impressed me. So , um, I, I waited on it a couple days and then responded and we talked all night.
We talked all day . It was just this never ending conversation. Um, so we decided to meet later on that week, um, and. At a bar that was close to my house. He offered to pick me up. I said, no, I'll meet you there. I'm always have an escape plan. And, um, but he was very, you know, understanding about that. He was understanding of my situation.
He had been in the army for 11 years. He was a staff sergeant. Um, and so he kind of understood. Trauma and he understood things from the past coming up and processing that. And so it was kind of like, he spoke the same language as me, which was really comforting. So we met [00:06:00] and seeing him was like, when you're at the airport and you see your person coming to pick you up, it was just like relief and happiness and excitement.
So. From that day forward, we, you know, still talked every day. We saw each other as much as we could. Um, we were both living at our parents. He had just been medically retired, um, from the army. He had been diagnosed with stage four, um, non Hodgkin's lymphoma and was in remission, so he was kind of recovering and sort of figuring out what he wanted to do next at his parents house.
I was recovering emotionally, and figuring out where I was. Going to be at my parents house. So we were sort of on the same parallel paths. Um, we ended up, you know, dropping the album about 3 days after knowing each other. I word vomited it, um, was completely embarrassed and mortified. Um, but he was again, very understanding, um, and [00:07:00] just a very good.
Good man. Um, we ended up moving to Poughkeepsie. He had started his undergrad at Marist, um, which he was very much looking forward to. He didn't have his college degree yet because he'd been in the army. So he was kind of trying to see where he what he could do given his disabilities. He had, um. Basically, a broken spine.
Um, he could walk. You wouldn't know to look at him because he muscled through everything. Um, but he was, he was really suffering every day and it was a lot for him. So he was trying to find something that he could do that wouldn't require a lot of physical activity. Um, so he started. Pursuing his, um, criminal justice, political science and paralegal certificate, um, at Marist.
He ended up doing political science and history. I think double major with his paralegal certificate. So he wanted to go into law. [00:08:00] He always wanted to help people. He always wanted to, . He felt lucky in a way that he had his retirement, um, pension and that he had the financial ability to be able to help people in a position where, you know, money wasn't really an issue for him.
So he could take those jobs that don't pay a lot, but give a lot and give you a lot of heart. , so He graduated Marist with like a 3. 8 GPA. He was absolutely brilliant. Um, and then started the process of preparing for the LSAT, which anyone who's taken that it's a bear. It's terrifying and it's complicated.
So he and he had had brain damage. So he, it was hard for him to kind of process just reading and staring at a screen. I was always there to kind of talk him through things and that was really how he processed things best was [00:09:00] talking them out. Um, and the conversation came up often, you know, you know, you would be good at this.
You should go to law school. You should try the LSAT. And I'm like, no, I'm not going to school. That's ridiculous. I don't want to do homework. I like my weekends. So, um. You know, I would walk by his office and, you know, point and laugh and be like, for you to be studying, um, then, you know, jokes on me, I guess, but he ended up getting into Albany law school with a fantastic scholarship and 2 weeks into his.
First year he had done orientation. He was so excited. This was like the culmination of the past four-ish years of both of us working really hard to get him to this position. , and so we were both kind of relieved. We were happy. It was during Covid time, so everything was remote. He was home. It was probably the most home that he ever was.
The entire time we were together. So two weeks in, [00:10:00] he had gotten an infection on his leg, which was frequent for him. Um, it was an old scarring wound that would get infected about every month or every so often. And so it was just a normal, okay, we're going back on antibiotics. We're doing this thing again.
This time, for whatever reason, it went septic and it was the Friday before Labor Day weekend. He insisted on sitting through his class, even though he was. Really like fading in and out consciousness wise. Event, eventually he let me take him to the doctor. He was very much not the type of person to take care of himself.
And so I brought him there and it was, it was very much downhill. Um, he. Was incoherent. He said he was seeing checkerboards. Um, he couldn't really identify what year it was. So they brought him to the hospital. Of course, being covid you know, it was not possible for me to go with him [00:11:00] at all. The hospitals, they were able to bring him to 1 that would allow me to go in with him given his condition because he couldn't speak for himself.
And he had such a complex medical history. So, you know, I went there, you know, we're thinking, okay, this is. Bad, but we've been to the hospital before, you know, a cold for him would mean a collapse long in most cases. So this wasn't that unusual for us. you know, he had no immune system from chemo. So.
When I got there, the condition that he was in was something that I've never seen him and he was very vulnerable and very weak and just it was scary. And they took him up to ICU. All the nurses and doctors were incredible. They were on top of everything. Um, they got him stable for the night and had me go home.
Um, he wanted me to bring his property book so he could do homework, um, and his computer so he could do homework. Um, that's just how [00:12:00] dedicated he was, um, to school and to his future. So the next morning, um. They, I had gotten a call from the nurse who said that he woke up, he was incoherent and they had to intubate him just to take the pressure off of his organs to help let his body heal.
So, I never really got to say goodbye to him in that way, which, you know, that's always something that's going to sting. Um, so I, I went there during visiting hours. I stayed during visiting hours. He, you know, didn't really improve. He wasn't really getting any worse. So there was still sort of this half hope, um, that he would get better.
I remember I came home that day, though, and I just lost it. I went out on my porch. It was a beautiful day, you know. Labor Day weekend, you're talking early September. It still felt like summer spread out my yoga mat and just cried for like, 3 hours. I didn't want [00:13:00] to look at his things on the floor. I, I think on some level, I knew he was gone.
Um, so. I sort of slept that night the next morning. Very early. I got another call from the doctor that he had gone into cardiac arrest. Um, he came out of it, but they didn't know how much time he had. So they wanted me to come there as soon as I could. So, I'm, you know, driving as fast and safely as possible.
I'm calling prayer lines. I'm like, just desperate for. Obviously medicine can't help them. So I'm like, something has to be able to help him. Like he's a good person. He doesn't, the world needs him. Um, I need him. Everybody needs him. And, um, so by the time I got there, he had been into cardiac arrest again.
Again, came out of it. So it was kind of just that all day and then the staff there was incredible. They were my [00:14:00] family. And they said, they're like, you know, You're the only one that can come here because it can't be testing everyone. They can only allow one person in at a time. So they're like, we're your family and I'm here.
I'm 35 years old. I have no support. I'm not prepared for this at all. All I have is him who's on a gurney intubated and. You know, texting, so it was very again, it was terrifying and it was very isolating and the staff was incredible. They, you know, they reached out. They the next time he had gotten a cardiac arrest, they took me out of the room and down the hall.
And I think they thought that it was. It was it for him. Um, I remember 1 of the nurses sat me down and we were looking at a window and it was again, this beautiful, no clouds, sunny day, which I'm a cloudy cloudy day girl. I always have been. So this was just like, even worse. It was like, oh, it's just just bright, sunny, happy day.
And I'm not and, um. You know, [00:15:00] she's like, he might be going home right now. And, you know, she just held me and, you know, cried with me. Like it was very, very comforting for me, which I'm not the type of person to reach out for comfort. I'm a very like withdrawn person when I'm going through stuff. So, you know, to be vulnerable with someone else, a total stranger, um, was a really new experience, but they were incredible.
He did come out of that cardiac arrest. We went back and. They put him on dialysis. He went into cardiac arrest again and again and every single time. I didn't leave after that 1st time. I was like, I have to watch him. I know it's going to suck. It's probably going to traumatize me, but I need to know that everyone is doing everything that they can to help him and to watch them.
I mean, they were in a line outside of the room. They were calling up guys from, you know, my husband was not a small guy, so they were calling up these big men to do compressions on him, and they were giving it everything that they had. They [00:16:00] were high fiving each other when he would come out, like, everyone was pulling for him and, you know, being around that energy and feeling that.
We all have the same goal here. I can't do anything except pray, except beg everyone else that I know to pray. And I poured everything into him. I've never prayed for anything so hard in my life. I had friends doing Reiki healing from a distance. I had friends saying the rosary, I, you know, I'm, I'm a pretty open person.
So I was posting on Facebook updates. You know, because I don't like that. Like, oh, I'm in trouble. Pray for me. You know, I want people to know why I want them to have an intention to I want them to share in that too. So, I had so many people that were just on the same side and finally, it got to the point where the doctor was like, you know, this is going to keep happening and, you know, I'm, I'm weighing how long he's been.
Low on oxygen with how broken his [00:17:00] body is now and the recovery time and if he's even going to come out of it and having to have that decision to say, okay, let's, let's let him go and. Again, I, you know, at the time, I'm like, am I even making the right decision for this person? Like, I'm not prepared for this.
We didn't talk about this. Um, but he has said that if anything happens to his brain, he, he wouldn't know what to do because that's all he felt like he had left. So. I went in, I hugged him, I kissed him. I said, if you have to go, I'll be okay, which was like the 1st and only time I've ever lied to him because I wasn't going to be okay.
I'm still not. Okay. Um, I don't think I'll ever be. Okay. But, you know, I, I wanted him to not hang on and continue to be in pain and continue to be putting his body through this, even if he couldn't feel it. You know, I wanted him to know that, that I'll handle it. Um, so maybe 10, 15 minutes later, he [00:18:00] went into cardiac arrest again, and that was the final time.
And then, you know, I, the only thing that I could think was, I don't know what to do. I have no idea what to do. I didn't I felt like I didn't know how to even like take 2 steps. You know, I didn't know how to brush my hair. I didn't know how to do anything and it wasn't that I was dependent on him. It was just this was half of me.
Now that's gone and a huge part of me. That's just gone. What do I do? It's like someone cut off a very important limb and I have to learn how to function again. Um, yeah. You know, they let me call my dad. I ended up using a phone number that I had maybe 10 years ago. I don't know why it made no sense. But, um, finally, I remembered my dad's number and called him to come stay with me.
And just so I wasn't by myself that night. Um, and then, you know, they walked me to the parking garage and I got [00:19:00] into his truck because that's what I drove there. You know, and all the other, the nurses were crying. The doctors were crying. They were like, I've been doing this for 20 years and I haven't cried like this.
Like, he was just able to touch people. And he was such a strong person when he was alive and he fought so hard and they probably knew better than I did how hard he fought and what he went through and what he was going through. Um, better than I did. I, you know, could see it on a superficial level. Like this is a lot, but they knew medically like everything that was going on with him.
So for them to understand that and see him fight, um, was a really big deal to them. So I get him in his truck, you know, which he always had country music on. Um, I turn on the radio and it's, I will remember you by Sarah McLachlan, which. Would not be on one of the country stations. It was just so bizarre.
And I, you know, I lost it. Um, I completely broke down. I'm in the parking garage by myself in his truck, [00:20:00] listening to, I will remember you like, how was this my life? Um, so I called his best friend who had been our best man at the wedding, um, Sean, and I told him, you know, he's, he's gone. Um, he came, he flew up.
He and a couple other, um, guys that my husband was in the army with came, Aaron and another Sean, um, dropped everything, came from across the country to just be there for me, which, you know, again, something I'd never experienced was someone, you know, going out of their way to, to support me without me having to ask or without me feeling like a burden.
Um, you know, and the days after that was just this like, weird, foggy haze that, you know, I. Barely remember, but I, you know, I remember the funeral, I remember the wake, I remember, you know, his parents coming over and, you know, my best friend coming over, it was just, it was a very strange time for me. I was just kind of [00:21:00] floating through it, because I didn't want to be there.
So there was definitely some dissociation going on. Um, you know, it was, it was. It's a very hard, strange, confusing time.
Emily Tanner: Yeah, I, that is such a difficult journey. And I think, um, the person I, I just interviewed before you, we talked a lot about the emotional ups and downs and conflicting feeling of They're in the hospital.
These people know what, you know, they know what they're doing. Yeah. You know, on a routine basis. Sure. And, it's just hard to see everyone's so emotionally invested and they're trying to fight for the best outcome. And then still you feel in a way that you, you've lost or that you, um, You know, ultimately did lose your person.
Yeah. How long ago was that for you?
Jilian Gentile: This was three years ago in September. Three years ago.
Emily Tanner: Yeah. So, um, what, what were the next few months [00:22:00] like? I know you mentioned some disassociation, like kind of floating through, I think. Yeah. A lot of that, you know, first few months or a year is almost like you're just surviving.
Yeah. But did you have a lot of support of family and friends around
Jilian Gentile: you? I did. And I really wasn't expecting it. And, you know, like I said, it was still during COVID. I was teaching. So my school was still closed. My son's wasn't, so he was able to go to school. So I really had all day to kind of process without him there because I didn't want him to see me.
I didn't want him to feel responsible for making sure that I'm okay. He was eight at the time, um, seven or eight at the time. So he was very young still, and he was processing it himself. So I didn't want to add to that, with me crying and, you know. Staring at a wall, you know, with him there. So, during the day, I would do my work for school since we were remote.
And then I would just go on my porch. I would do yoga. I would pray. I would meditate. I would, we have a [00:23:00] beautiful backyard. There's a waterfall. There's a lot of nature. So I was able to just kind of. Basically heal or at least try to heal. So I focused a lot on that. I had joined a couple, you know, widow support groups on Facebook because I was like, I'm, I don't know how to do this.
None of my friends are widows. You know, I'm fairly young to lose my husband. It's not like I can call up my friend and they can be like, oh, I understand how you feel because they don't and that's okay. But I needed someone. I need a people who got it. Um, so that was really, really helpful was just being able to reach out to people and kind of events all that stuff that.
We're probably scare people to hear, it felt like. My husband had left me at this party that I didn't want to be at and he took the car and my phone and I can't communicate with him. And I was just stuck here with people that don't understand me. And I just wanted to go home and be in sweat pants on the couch.
You know, like, that's how I [00:24:00] felt all the time. And, like I said, I prayed a lot. I meditated a lot. I looked into myself a lot and was kind of like, okay, this had to happen for a reason. You know, there has to be something in here that I'm supposed to learn from this and. You know, what I kind of got from from all of those times was he was able to cross over with someone who loved him more than anything in the world.
And not everyone gets to do that. And he got to experience that up until the point where he was no longer here. Um, so I tried looking at it. It's more like less of what I lost and more of what I was able to give to him. And that was sort of a. a comforting thing for me, where I was able to give him something that he hadn't really experienced while he was alive.
And something that a lot of people don't get to experience, even throughout their life. So many people die alone, and especially during COVID. Um, so the fact that I was able to be there with him, next to him, [00:25:00] with so many people that cared about him, you know, it was If he had to be sent off, it was the best send off that I could give him.
Um, and with that, you know, it was like, okay, there was like, this little voice. I was always saying, take the outside, take the outside. And I'm like, you know, what? Just send it. So. That's when I reached out to the person that he had taken his outside prep course from, and I told him the situation. And so he was like, you know what, just take the course and let's get you in a law school.
So I'm like, all right, let's see what happens. So that kind of shifted my focus. To the future, um, you know, it wasn't so much moving on. It was more moving forward because I feel like moving on kind of leaves everything in the past. But when you move forward, you can kind of bring some of that with you.
And I had friends reaching out that, you know, I hadn't spoken to in years and. I was in such a vulnerable position that I didn't really care, like grudges, lost friendships, people that [00:26:00] I had once considered family that I just don't talk to anymore. Don't talk to me anymore just came out of the woodwork and I was, you know, I made it a point to be open and accepting of that, even though that's counterintuitive to my experience and how I've been to that point and just let them help me and let them.
Experience helping someone and and be vulnerable and in my vulnerability, they can experience that kind of help and feel better about being able to be there for me. I had friends come up. I had a friend come up and stay with me. She was amazing. I hadn't spoken to her in person in a very long time, but it was like, you know, we're back at it.
And, again, it was really. It was probably one of the most beautiful expressions of humanity that I've experienced, , seeing people just like be there for someone and, not care about anything that's happened before and just really be open to what can I do to help or, how can I help you?
Or can I just like, sit with you? [00:27:00] And, I guess it was kind of selfish in a good way, you know, to put myself. Um, at the forefront like that and to be able to let people put me in that position. But it was really a beautiful experience and I feel very fortunate that I was able to have that.
Um, especially from people that I hadn't talked to in a long time.
Emily Tanner: Yeah, I think that's, um, a beautiful thing that you were able to kind of reignite some of those relationships. What, what would you tell someone who's just really struggling right now? Even thinking there could be a future again, or, you know, maybe they feel like they have some past friendships that have been, um, fizzled out over time and they are thinking about reaching out to somebody, but they're not sure, you know, what, what inside or words of encouragement would you give to those people?
Jilian Gentile: I mean, I would say it, it, Life is so short and if someone has impacted you and if someone means something to you, there's no harm in [00:28:00] reaching out and something my husband would always say is the worst thing you can say is no. So, if you extend that olive branch or extend that hand, or, words of encouragement or words of comfort, the worst thing they do is ignore you, but at least, you know, that you tried and, I think that's really important.
Especially, we live in such a painful world, those little bursts of love and those little bursts of kindness just means so much, especially to someone who's struggling or someone who feels isolated. It's so important that to maybe be that light or maybe be that spark that, you know, helps that person get through those darker times.
Emily Tanner: Yeah. I, I think that's great. And like you said, the worst. I could do is say no. But I think it's so important not to feel like you're walking on this journey alone or that you're really isolated. Even though I very much resonate with what you said about being someone who's withdrawn. Um, I personally, you know, would frequently say, I just want to be alone.
[00:29:00] I just want to be alone. I just want to process what's happening, but it is important at some point to rebuild your social circle because it does feel like it tends to disintegrate when. We go through this experience.
Jilian Gentile: Sure. And I knew even from the other widows and in my groups, like this, isn't going to be forever.
You know, people move on with their lives. People go back to their jobs. People, they live. And, but for those moments for those 1st, few months that were really difficult, it was really, really a beautiful thing. And it was a beautiful experience and knowing that it wasn't something that's going to last forever.
Kind of gave me the mindset to hold on to that and remember it and keep it for, you know, those times when they have moved on and those times when it does feel a little bit more lonely because, you know, no one wants to hear about you. Yeah. Talking about your dead spouse as much as you want to all the time.
And that's just people living their lives. There's nothing wrong or, or mean or cruel about that. They have [00:30:00] their lives and this is just part of my experience. Um, so definitely, you know, keeping that, that mindset that, okay, this is going to end, but it's really beautiful now was really something that helped me enjoy the moment and kind of, you know, navigate.
Where I'm going in this in this weird place that I was in at the time.
Emily Tanner: Yeah, I, I totally agree. And, um, that was 1 of the 1st things I did was join a bunch of widow groups and figure out, like, what is going on? What can I expect? Am I alone? Yeah. So that is that is really helpful. Well, yeah. Jillian, thank you so much for being willing to come on the show to share your story, to be so open and vulnerable.
Are there any final thoughts that you would want to
Jilian Gentile: leave people with? Just for people going through this, you know, it's okay to reach out. It's okay to not reach out. It's, , okay , to not know what's going to happen next, at some point, do 1 thing at a time. And that's what really got me through those 1st months [00:31:00] to was not putting the pressure on myself to clean the house and process all the paperwork, especially him being in the military.
There's so much paperwork. But, giving myself one task a day and completing that and then spending the day healing because you're hurt, you've lost something you need to heal and, you know, accepting that and accepting that it's okay to take the time to heal. And not push yourself too far, was is really something that that I think is important.
Emily Tanner: Yeah, definitely managing expectations of yourself, giving yourself grace and just giving your space, your self space to grieve and rest and heal is
Jilian Gentile: absolutely.
Emily Tanner: Yeah. All right. Well, thank you so much again for sharing your story. I think that this is really going to help everyone who listens to it.
Jilian Gentile: Thank you so much.
And thank you for this opportunity.
Emily Jones: Hey guys. Thank you so much for listening to the Brave Widow Podcast. I would love to help you take your next step, whether that's healing your [00:32:00] heart, finding hope, or achieving your dreams for the future.
Do you need a safe space to connect with other like-minded widows? Do you wish you had how-tos for getting through the next steps in your journey, organizing your life or moving through grief? What about live calls where you get answers to your burning questions? The Brave Widow Membership Community is just what you need.
Inside you'll find courses to help guide you, a community of other widows to connect with, live coaching and q and a calls, and small group coaching where you can work on what matters most to you. Learn how to heal your heart, find hope, reclaim joy, and dream again for the future. It is possible. Head on over to brave widow.com to learn more. [00:33:00]
