Elaine
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Introduction and Upcoming Event
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[00:00:00] Emily: Hey, hey, and welcome to episode number 106 of the brave widow show. Before we dive into today's episode, I just want to remind you that we have the back to school bash for widows that is happening the week of August 19th.
We're going to kick it off with a what's next webinar on Monday, August 19th from 10am to noon central, and I'm going to teach you the sneaky little grief things that are happening in the background that are keeping you feeling like you're stuck in grief, that keep you feeling like you're going backwards, that keep you from Knowing how to move forward.
If you're headed in the right direction, are you focused on the right things? I am going to lead you through this webinar and help you uncover the exact next steps that you need to take to move forward. Not only through grief, but beyond grief. And in recreating this next version of who you are,
I am so excited about this webinar and I want you to join me to sign up. Go to bravewidow.com/next. Like what's next? You are going to learn on the webinar. It's free. It's open to the public. You can bring a friend, go to brave widow. com slash next to join us.
Meet Elaine: A Story of Resilience
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[00:01:23] Emily: Alright, let me introduce Elaine. Elaine is a 43 year old mother of two young ladies, ages 10 and 13. She's a pediatric occupational therapist and is also the clinic director of an outpatient pediatric therapy clinic, IV Rehab for Kids, in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, which she opened in September of 2022.
She and her husband, Chris, were married in November of 2007 and raised their girls in Orland, Pennsylvania, his hometown. Chris passed suddenly and tragically in a helicopter crash in December 2023. Since his passing, Elaine and the girls have been surrounded by their friends, family, and community in order to make their new normal as smooth as possible.
Elaine is thankful to her girls for giving her the motivation to get out of bed every day, as without them, her path might have looked a bit different. Alright, let's dive in.
Welcome to the Brave Widow Show, where we help widows find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future. I'm your host, Emily Tanner. After losing my husband of 20 years, I didn't know how I could ever experience true joy and excitement again for the future. I eventually learned how to create a life I love, and I've made it my mission to help other widows do the same.
Join me and the Brave Widow membership community and get started today. Learn more at BraveWidow. com
Elaine, welcome to the show and thank you for coming on today.
[00:03:03] Elaine: Thank you so much for having me. I'm very, very excited to be here.
[00:03:08] Emily: Absolutely. I'm excited to have you.
Elaine's Background and Family Life
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[00:03:10] Emily: So I know our audience would love to know more about you. More about your background. So would you mind to share some of that?
[00:03:20] Elaine: Sure.
Elaine's Background and Family Life
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[00:03:20] Elaine: So, I live in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I have lived here my entire life. I live in a little town called Orland, Pennsylvania, which is, about 30 minutes outside of Philadelphia.
I am an occupational therapist. I work with children. I have worked in pediatrics for just about 20 years now. And most of that time has been spent in outpatient pediatrics., I work for a company called Ivy Rehab for Kids, and we, provide physical, occupational, and speech therapy to children, ages birth to 21 with a variety of diagnoses or needs.
[00:04:04] Elaine: I opened a clinic in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania, in September of 2022. And so I am the director of that clinic. I, was married for just about 17 years. I met my husband in July of 2004, so that was coming up on 20 years. We met at a bar. So fun story, but we met at a bar,, and so
[00:04:35] Emily: we got to know how, cause everybody wants to know like how to approach the other person, how to show interest.
So give us some details. What happened?
[00:04:44] Elaine: He literally sat down next to me at the bar. It was a bar called Brownies 23 East. So anybody around my age that maybe went to Villanova or St. Joe's would know that one very well. So sat down next to me, we started talking. He always joked, this was one of his favorite stories to tell.
Because he always joked that he bought me a 20 shot. And he bought me a Jaeger bomb. And so it was like an eight or 9 a person shot. He had no idea that that's what it costs. And so he was always happy that, he was. Thought that was very funny. So we exchanged numbers and he said, when we exchanged numbers, he said, I, what did he say?
He was like, I am not good at calling people. And so I was like, okay, whatever. And so we get to the parking lot. And my friend was driving and I was like, well, I'm just going to call him right now. And so I called him right from the parking lot. And I said, okay, you said you weren't good at calling people.
So I called you first. And he called me back a couple of days later. And he, at that point, forgot what my name was. He thought my name was Steph. So we left a message for Steph. And then, yeah, I mean, after that, we went out went out on our first date a couple weeks later to just this local, I was sick.
So I didn't really feel like going anywhere. And so we just went to this local dive bar for dinner. And That was it. We got married just about three years later, a little over three years later. And then we had our first child three years after that and our second child three years after that.
So, we built a really, really great life together. We had so much fun together. And yeah, we're just planning for the future.
The Tragic Helicopter Crash
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The Tragic Accident
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[00:06:50] Elaine: And then December 19th happened. So my husband, which he always loved telling this as well. Was a camera person in a local news helicopter and loved talking about his job.
Love telling people that he flew in the helicopter and people. People loved to hear that because they were like, wow, that's awesome. What kind of stories? Where have you been? All this stuff. So, On December 20th, early morning at 1221. I was awoken to Just the most horrible banging on my door banging, doorbell, the whole thing.
And so I have a ring camera on my front door and looked at the camera and I knew exactly who it was. It was another pilot that he had worked with. And I ran downstairs, opened the door, couldn't breathe, like my cats got out like it was, just and he said, just essentially that the helicopter went down and another news helicopter found it.
They didn't have any word at that point in time, whether or not there were any survivors, anything like that. So, didn't know anything at that point. And so, I just gathering myself breathing, trying to breathe, trying to just wrap my head around what was happening.
My kids were upstairs sleeping, like I. So, he's like, well, what do you want us to do for you? And I'm like, I have no idea. Like what, like, he's like, well, do you want to go to the, the airport? And I was like, not like, no, I don't like, why would I go to the airport? Like, and he's like, well, that's kind of ground zero.
I was like, I can't leave my kids here. I was like, I'm not leaving my kids with a stranger, like for them to wake up to a stranger. Like, I, I just can't. do that. And so then he leaves and I immediately call, I called my mom.
Coping with Loss and Immediate AftermathCoping with the Immediate Aftermath
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[00:08:57] Elaine: I called my father in law. I called my husband's brothers. I called my brother and I call my husband's best friend.
And I just said, there's been an accident. I don't know what's going on. The main reason why I started calling people right away was because I didn't want them to find out on the news. Because I knew that the news, this was going to be just a huge story. And so called them, my mom comes and we just sit and wait. My my work friends, if they listen to this are going to roll their eyes and start laughing, but I started working. Because I was like, well, if he's alive, I'm going to have to take care of him, like I was like this, I'm going to be in the hospital for months, like that's what was going through my mind at that point and I had paperwork I needed to finish and so I started working because I was like, I got to get this done like I, that was like, all I could think about at that moment was, What is my life going to be like and what I got to be prepared, and so, about three hours.
I also had called a one of my closest work friends. She actually lives in my neighborhood. And so I said, hey, you I need you to clear my schedule, like I was like, I just, I, I need you to do that, and so about 3 hours later, around 3 30 in the morning, I got the official call that there was 2 fatalities.
So it was him and the pilot, of course. And so that I made the round of calls again, because I was like, I again, don't want them to find out on the news. And, then my friend that I just spoke about her and her husband live close by, and they they came over at 3. 30 in the morning, which meant the world to me.
And my mom was here as well. And then it started with, then people started finding out on the news. So I started getting text messages and message it, and I wasn't responding really to anything at that point in time, but so then I had to tell my children and so I waited for them to wake up and I have a, how old were they at this point?
So I have a 10 year old and a 13 year old, both girls. The 13 year old woke up 1st, because she goes to school 1st and I called her down, and so she was confused. Obviously, because my mom was here. Like, why would my mom be here? It's 7 o'clock in the morning and I told her, I just said there, the helicopter crashed and she said, is he dead?
And, I had to be like, oh, yes, of course, so, that was difficult. So then I waited. My younger daughter usually doesn't wake up till closer to eight. I think I woke her, woke her up early because I just couldn't wait anymore. Like, I just had to, like, tell them. So then I woke her up.
And brought her down and told I, I was more blunt with her. Like I just was, cause she saw my older one, Kira, she saw Kira, she saw my mom and she was, she was super confused. And I just, I said the helicopter crashed and he died and She, she didn't react. She sat there with just this blank face, didn't cry, didn't nothing, nothing.
And it I didn't really know how to react to that, like, so that took some time before she really kind of got it. I think. In the days ahead, there was so much hustle and bustle around here. I mean, it was craziness, just people in and out and, just constant food and, like all of that.
And like, the, one of the craziest stories was I had my hair done in the dining room. My friend was like, Elaine, you need your hair done. I said, Not a concern. I, I'm not concerned about my hair right now. She's like, nope, it needs to be done. And she came over and dyed my hair in my dining room, and still will always be one of those pivotal memories of that time. So, yeah, I mean, that is the story of kind of what leads me to being here today.
Adjusting to a New Normal
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[00:13:34] Elaine: I'm almost six months out. And the reason why I was eager to be on your show is because podcasts have been. a huge part of my journey in my widowhood, in my grief, in my healing, I guess, in my journey forward.
So I wanted to share my story, just to kind of share those details and share what, what is kind of led me here today. So, yeah.
[00:14:12] Emily: Oh, I think that's one of the most beautiful things about people that go through that sort of pain, widows in general, is that you're so giving, like, you look at things that have helped you and even though, you're still in that six month window, you think, how can I help the person who's behind me?
Like, how can I help the person that's one month out, that's three months out, that thinks that life is over and it's never gonna get better, it's never gonna look any different, and they have no idea just, What to expect and so thank you for doing that and for being willing to be so vulnerable with your story, because I do think it helps encourage and inspire people who are earlier on in their journey.
[00:15:02] Elaine: Mm hmm.
Adjusting to Life Without Chris
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[00:15:03] Elaine: Yeah, I mean, I, at the very beginning in the first days and weeks, I was in complete and utter despair. I didn't know. My, one of my other core memories is saying to my neighbor, Hey, will you teach me how to cut the grass? Like I was like, I don't even know how to start the lawnmower.
And I still don't, like I, it was my husband. So because of his work schedule, he worked, he alternated working days and nights. So. We were kind of like shifts in the night, especially when he worked a night shift we wouldn't see each other. We always joked, like we'd say goodbye to each other on Monday morning.
And then I would joke, I'd be like, all right, see you on Saturday. Because we just, especially when he worked nights, we really wouldn't see each other. With that being said, he was home a lot more than I was, especially during the day. So he would go for a shopping. He would clean, he would cook, he would make us meals that I just had to heat up.
So I didn't cook, like I could follow a recipe, but I, he could open the refrigerator and pick out the most random things and put a delicious meal together. That's just, wasn't me, like I just didn't. So I worked, like I. And he recognized that, so he took care of the lawn, he took care of all the yard work, I mean, I really can't take a ton of credit for a lot of things, he did so much.
And when all of this happened, I went into just a complete tailspin of how am I going to do this? How am I going to do this? The money and just survival, like, just complete, an utter, how am I going to do this? And I'm still figuring it out. Yeah, it's always, it's going to be ever changing as my kids get older and, as.
Whatever else changes. But we were blessed with support. We were blessed with support. From, just, People wanting to help money donations we had a, a concert benefiting us. My husband was a musician. And so he wrote his own music and played the guitar and loved to go to open mics and, all of those types of things.
And so some of his friends put together a benefit concert for us. Which I'm hoping to keep going. So that'll be awesome. But at this point at six months out, I figured out how to cook. So I, my girls and I plan our meals and we go to the store or I, to have it delivered, and That's probably the one area that I'm most proud of is that I figured out how to feed my children.
[00:18:14] Emily: I resonate with this so much because I traveled a lot for work and my husband stayed at home and just, Did all the cooking and took care of everything. And so the crock pot and I, for like the first few months became best friends because I could throw everything in there, go do what I needed to do and come back.
And it wasn't like everything had to be perfect, but I used to be that person that I liked the measuring cup with the ingredient, it had to be perfectly measured and it still never tastes as good as what he could do. So. I know people look at me funny when they're like, what do you mean you didn't used to cook for your family?
But I didn't have to. And learning to cook when you are a little older in life, it's an interesting experience.
[00:19:02] Elaine: Yup. Yup. And I will, there was one time where I made, my daughter wanted ribs and I was like, Oh boy. Like, all right, all right. I'll make ribs for you. And I did it. They tasted good. Everything was good.
And my youngest daughter, who was a huge fan of ribs was like, mommy, I think these are better than daddy's. And I took that as a huge compliment because I, that was the first time ever that I had made ribs. And I credit him because I watched what he did, I listened to what he said, and so there was things that I, now I've just learned from him, and so I, I credit him for that, I take, a page from his books every once in a while to, be able to do that, so.
Returning to Work and Finding Routine
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[00:20:04] Elaine: Yeah, so, I mean, I work, I went back to work after seven weeks I, my birthday is the beginning of February, and so I wanted to get through my birthday so I took off the entire month of January, and I went back the first week in February. And I'm grateful, to my company, my, closest allies, that they are just so supportive.
And, I was so blessed, so blessed by them, that they're willing to work with me. And I took a slow transition back to work because Because of my kids, really my oldest daughter is always, she's always been a little bit more anxious and she was afraid she didn't want me to go back to work because her dad died at work.
And So she was afraid that something would happen to me. And so we had a rough month of January. She was ill a lot. She had a boot on her foot, all this. We had a we had a rough. We also had to. I went to in between the end of December and the middle of February, I went to four funerals, one being my own husband's.
So we had his two uncles passed away. And then I also went to the pilot's funeral. That was held in early January. So we just had a rough month, we, it was just a rough period on top of dealing with grief. And she didn't want me to go back to work. And so I, one day I drove her there, just so, I mean, she had been there before, but just so she could see where I was going.
And I have I, at the very beginning, I had to text her when I got there and I had, like, a notification and it's that still happens. Like, a notification goes to her phone when I arrive at the address. And, she's doing fine now, thankfully, but it was heartbreaking. It was really, truly heartbreaking like, to think of what was going on, kind of in her brain, of, like, Why she didn't want me to go back to work, and so, Yeah, so I still aim to be home before they get home, even though school's ending now tomorrow.
But just so that way I'm here, because there was generally for the most part, he was here, when he was working morning shift, he was always here for them. So, I try to be always here for them just so that way. They're supported in that, but they're doing much better with that now too
[00:22:39] Emily: I think it's a great that you have the ability to do that and to help recognize, when they're feeling anxious or when some of those things are coming up for them how would you say, everybody's timeline is different, but how would you say. You are or how are things different six months out from when you lost him?
I would say now I am less overwhelmed. I would say that there are more good days than bad. It's not to say that I don't think about it every single day. Or think about him every single day. There's still moments where I'm leaving work and I'll be like, oh, he'll be home.
[00:23:27] Elaine: Nope. He won't, like I, and that's just your wiring of your brain. You're used to that pattern. And so that's diminished a bit, but, yeah, we've just had a lot of firsts since then, we had his birthday. We had my daughter's promotion from fifth grade. We have Father's Day coming up.
There's, we had Christmas, we had Christmas five days after he died. Yeah, like I couldn't drive for two weeks. Like I, I couldn't, I think back to those first few weeks of, and where, I couldn't really maintain a conversation, my memory was really poor, my executive functioning was really poor, I couldn't drive. My conversational skills, as I said, were just, I'd be talking and then somebody would ask me a question and I completely forget what was happening, so my sleep was really poor. So I would say, now, yes, like, my good days are gone. More than, my bad days.
I am sleeping better now. Have until probably about a month ago or six weeks ago, I, everything was centered around my kids, everything. And we barely left each other's sides with the exception of school and work. And so I decided a couple weeks ago that I, it was like, I need to start having time to myself.
And so I identified that I'll leave for a couple hours. Like on a Sunday, and just go for a walk or I luckily have had plans recently. So, I've been able to get out and just kind of have adult conversation. And other than that, I. If I'm not able to do that, I just try to have moments by myself, like I know a lot of people out there don't have childcare or have really young kids or whatnot.
And for whatever reason, can't. I'll just go to my room for a while, and just, scroll my phone or read or watch TV or something. And just to take a break to just shut my brain off for a 2nd so I think now I have the. Ability to kind of identify what I need and what's helpful to me.
And. I think the kids are the same. I think the kids kind of go through their moments. They've been in therapy. I've been in therapy. And, my outlook for this summer is to just kind of, to just really enjoy this summer, is to just, we're kind of, I said to their therapist, I said, I just want to take a break, like just take a break.
And not that we're still, not that we're not going to grieve, but just to kind of focus on some other things. And yeah,
[00:26:28] Emily: I love how you said that, you are trying to find some time for yourself, which is I think that's really important and that when you don't have the bigger time to take for yourself that you are still taking those moments.
I know with my kids, I would say, okay, I just need some mom time. Like, I just need to shut my door. Like,
don't,
please don't bother me unless there's an emergency. And just feel like I could be like, just. Relax, just think about something else. Just not have someone tapping my shoulder every five seconds.
Like just have some, some time to myself. So I, I think it's really great that you did that. Well, what was it like as you were transitioning back into work and are you still like in the same role as what you had and you, you proceed that for the future or how has maybe your view of what you do changed over time?
[00:27:23] Elaine: I am still in the same role. I'm still doing the same job that I have done for the last, since I opened the clinic, but I also had a, the same type of role for about 5 years before then. Nothing has really changed as far as my job. I'm still doing it. I'm still doing the best that I can with it.
I'm trying to think. I lost track of what I wanted to say. Oh, work. Work kind of gets me away. The reason why I went back to work somewhat quickly, some people are, like, oh, you're going back already? Like that's, I needed to get away from the house. I needed to get away from food, because I would just, I would sit, I would watch TV, I would eat.
Maybe I'd fold laundry. Maybe I'd do a little cleaning, something like that. I also had a lot of projects to do, as far as like, there's lawyers involved. I had a lot of stuff, just the usual kind of social security and, like all of those things that you have to do when someone dies.
But work is kind of the place I go to kind of get away from it. Not many people know of course, my co workers know my team and some of very limited amount of parents know but it's kind of where I go to just think of something else, and to kind of just get away from it all.
And so I kind of dive in, I dive in, I, and I've gone back to doing what. I was doing before and I just truly do my best, some days are better than others, but I truly I truly do my best
[00:29:07] Emily: yeah, that's great. And I, I went to back to work really early but we had been. Both of us have been sick for a few weeks and so it just was like, I wanted a sense of normalcy.
I wanted to not think about sickness and death and all those things. Like, I just wanted to think about something else that felt somewhat normal. As opposed to what I've been living those past few weeks. So I think that's totally, totally understandable.
[00:29:37] Elaine: Yeah. And I think it was the routine too. Yeah.
Of just having a routine, the kids were on a routine. They went back to school the first week in January, as soon as school opened back up, they were back. And. I got them back on a routine with the help of the schools. Of course, I had a lot of phone conversations with teachers and principals and, guidance counselors and the whole thing.
But they were on a routine. And then, so I took the month of January for myself and that was great. And then by the time the end of January came around, I was like, okay, I, I need to get back into this. And, I also, I needed to think about money. Like I, I needed to get back into it in order to start earning money again.
Even though we were blessed, as I said, by donations and things like that, but you know, I still have the rest of my life, like I'm only 43 years old and so I need. Needed to kind of think about my future and the kids future, they still have a lot of big events to come, and so, I want, I want to live the best life that we can live and so that's kind of the other impetus of it, it's just kind of like, okay, let's start thinking about our future and how we're going to get there and that's kind of where, where I'm at now.
Support Systems and Community HelpSupport from Family and Friends
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[00:31:08] Emily: And what kind of support have you had with whether it's family or friends or people just around you, did you feel like you got a lot of support or how has that been?
[00:31:19] Elaine: Yes. Ton of support from friends, family, neighbors, school district, my husband. So my husband grew up in Orland. So we live now in the town he grew up in.
And so, we got so much support from the high school he went to, from friends that he knew growing, growing up.
Everybody. I mean, it came out of the woodwork. We got tons of food. And, as I said, the donations and just offers upon offers to help me with, just driving my kids around mainly. That's the main thing I've needed help with. And, or people just do it, they're like, Oh, no, we'll take them or we'll do this or we'll do that, so, and it's still now, of course, it's declined, like, six months out, it's life for them went back to normal, right after.
After everything happened, maybe even after the funeral. And so my life didn't, my girl's life didn't, and so, of course there's still, there's people I can call, if I need anything, of course, both of our families are more than willing to help if I call, and so, it's, it really has been great.
I have a bunch of friends. And as I said, my neighbors are all more willing, very willing to help. So I'm very, very lucky, very lucky.
[00:32:55] Emily: Yeah, that's awesome. It's great to have so much support around you, even though over time, naturally that does decrease, but it's really nice to have that where you can, or to be confident and asking for it specifically where you need it.
As those kids turn into teenagers, I feel like part of my job is just being Uber mom, like just taking them everywhere. So it's a lot.
[00:33:19] Elaine: It is, it is, especially, all the sports and the practices and the games and just their social events too, like, Hey, I want to go to this friend's house or that friend's house or this person's, party or whatever it is.
And it's exhausting. It's exhausting, but we manage, we manage.
Advice for New WidowsAdvice for New Widows
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[00:33:39] Emily: Well, Elaine, what advice would you give to people who. They, they wake up in the dead of night, they get that same news that there's been an accident, their spouses died, they have, two kids or a few kids at home. what advice would you give to them when they are really just in the thick of it?
[00:33:58] Elaine: To take it one day at a time, would wake up and I would give myself one task to do and I would do that one task, and that was a, like, one example was I had to find my husband as many of my husband's W2s, and I said, okay, I'm doing this today, this is what I'm doing, and because it was exhausting.
Everything was exhausting doing anything those first probably six weeks was just completely and utterly exhausting. So my main advice is to, just give yourself grace, if anyone asks, if they can help you say yes, a lot of people will come. What do you need me to do?
And my answer is, I don't know. Like, I don't know. I don't know what I need you to do. So, people would just find things to do, honestly, like, but yeah, like, if somebody offers to do anything, just say yes, and give yourself grace. If that means you're going to bed at 8 o'clock, 730, you're going to bed with your kids, go to bed with your kids, just do it, because you, you need to rest, you need that time and that is probably the biggest advice is to just give yourself grace, take your time, nothing has to be done right away.
And, Each day will get better. I always noticed a difference weekly, like every Monday I would be notice like, okay, this, this week's feeling better, next, the next week, okay, this is feeling better. And then something would happen, like my husband's birthday hit me like a ton of bricks. And I wasn't necessarily expecting that. I knew it was gonna be difficult. But I didn't think that it would take me, two days to recover. , I almost, thought about calling out of work. That's how, bad I was feeling. And so, that's my advice, too, is to just know that there are going to be days that aren't good.
And that's okay. That's part of it. That's what grief is. In five, 10 years down the road, we still may feel that way on those days and that's okay.
[00:36:41] Emily: I totally agree. Grief can be so exhausting, overwhelming. And then you think about all the administrative things that you have to do, just notifying different companies, getting paperwork, gathering documents, finding passwords, just.
There's so much you can feel really overwhelming and I remember my dad telling me something similar of like, well, just think about what has to be done today. Like not everything on your list has to be done today. So what are the things that have to be done today and only worry about those right now.
And tomorrow we'll have other things that you can focus on. So. Totally.
Conclusion and Membership InvitationConclusion and Gratitude
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[00:37:19] Emily: Elaine, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing your story. I really appreciate it.
[00:37:25] Elaine: Thank you for having me. I
really
appreciate it.
[00:37:27] Emily: Are you a widow who feels disconnected? Do you feel like you're stuck or even going backwards in your grief? Widowhood can be lonely and isolating, but it doesn't have to be. Join us in the Brave Widow membership community and connect. We teach widows how to find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future.
Find your purpose and create a life you love today. Go to bravewidow. com to get started.
