Gina Loftis Edited
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Introduction and Upcoming Webinar
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[00:00:00] Emily: Hey, hey, and welcome to episode number 109 of the Brave Widow show. All right, guys, we're just a few weeks away from the what's next webinar, which is happening on August 19th. And you do not want to miss this. In this two hour live webinar, I am going to point out to you some of the sneaky little grief things that may be holding you back from being able to heal, from being able to rebuild a life that you love, from being able to have the confidence to move forward and to know exactly what next step to take.
By the time you leave that webinar, you are going to know what your exact next step should be on your journey. to healing and creating a life that you love again. To sign up for the what's next webinar, go to bravewidow.com/next
Welcome to the Brave Widow Show, where we help widows find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future. I'm your host, Emily Tanner. After losing my husband of 20 years, I didn't know how I could ever experience true joy and excitement again for the future. I eventually learned how to create a life I love, and I've made it my mission to help other widows do the same.
Join me and the Brave Widow membership community and get started today. Learn more at BraveWidow. com
Meet Gina Loftis: A Journey of Resilience
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[00:01:30] Emily: all right, let me introduce you to Gina Loftis. Gina is a resilient and inspiring widow who lost her husband of 20 years, Shane, suddenly in 2019. Since then, Gina has dedicated herself to supporting their boys, Jacob, 23, and Tyler, 21, while embarking on a transformative journey of solo travel and self discovery.
Through her blog, Adventures in Grief, and her TikTok page, Widow Around the World, Gina has just begun sharing her heartfelt experiences and adventures, aiming to support others navigating the complex path of widowhood. Her story is one of finding purpose and joy after loss, and she is passionate about helping fellow widows find hope and rebuild their lives.
You can find Gina at adventuresandgrief. com or at widowaroundtheworld on TikTok and Instagram. All right, let's dive in.
So Gina, thank you for coming on the show today and welcome.
[00:02:35] Gina: Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here and I get to share a little bit of my story.
Gina's Story: Coping with Sudden Loss
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[00:02:42] Gina: Just a little background for me. My husband, Shane, I were together for 28 years, and we were just coming up on our 21st wedding anniversary.
We have two boys, Jacob and Tyler, and at the time, Jacob had just graduated high school and that same weekend, Tyler turned 16 so it a lot going on, but then a month later. Shane actually passed away of a massive heart attack while we were on our annual camping trip with 50 of our closest friends and his favorite spot in the world.
And so we are coming up on five years now, which honestly sounds like a really long time when I say it out loud. And I think of all the things that we've accomplished, it's been a long time, but sometimes it still feels like yesterday.
[00:03:24] Emily: Yeah, definitely. And I can't even imagine like what that was like to be out on a trip traveling somewhere, and then to lose your person like what was that experience like?
[00:03:36] Gina: Oh, I think probably like all of us, the shock is so much it was so instant. Honestly, looking back, I think for him, he was surrounded by all of the people who love him. And in his favorite place, I wouldn't be a more perfect place to go, but for the rest of us, it was very shocking. And having to drive home with my 16 year old and just the two of us without Shane was very difficult.
But I will say I had Shane's best friend at the time said we can never come back. This was the 13th year we'd done that trip. We can never come back. And I said, he would die all over again if We didn't do this. He loved this trip and we are this year in July will be there for our 18th year and we scattered some of his ashes there and we celebrate him and we still have many people coming and it's pretty phenomenal way to get to celebrate him to continue to go.
So we're very fortunate with that.
[00:04:26] Emily: Oh, I love that so much.
Returning to Meaningful Places
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[00:04:28] Emily: A lot of widows that I talk with, they, it's intimidating to think about going back or doing some of the same things because it's that reminder of what happened and that trigger of that whole experience again. Was there anything that you found was helpful as you were thinking about going back or as you've made?
A few trips since you lost him. Has there been anything that's been helpful to you?
[00:04:55] Gina: That first year was incredibly hard and I know it was just as hard for his friends. I don't think we give enough grace to the friends, who lose their friends. But being together and finding a way to honor him.
So he actually dirt bike rides. So he'd have his dirt bike boots, right? Where he passed away at the entrance of our camp and everyone as they arrive brings flowers and that still is the case. So having these traditions is incredibly lovely. Being together is so important and just facing that first step was hard, but it gets easier.
My youngest son did not go for a few years and went last year for the first time and is going again this year. He does not participate in the, going to put flowers where we, Put his ashes or we do a little candle ceremony in the lake. He doesn't participate in those and that's fine.
We're all had different comfort levels, but I think being together is the best for all of us to be able to get through this anniversary of the year.
[00:05:51] Emily: Yeah. Yeah. And. That's so amazing that you're just very supportive and understanding that, we don't all have to go through these motions. We don't all have to participate, but it's whatever you're comfortable with.
And yeah, it has to be for me, but not for him. Yeah. Yeah.
Solo Travel: Overcoming Fears and Finding Confidence
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[00:06:10] Emily: So how, so after he died, then how much longer was it before you felt like you wanted to take another trip or you wanted to go really anywhere?
[00:06:22] Gina: Yeah, I will say the caveat with travel. I travel for work. So I am already comfortable getting through airports and dining alone.
And I think for your listeners and anyone who contemplate solo travel, that's one of the biggest obstacles. What do I do at dinner? And, everyone will be staring at me and I will say as a tip, People aren't worried about us, right? Everyone's pretty self involved. They don't worry. So I can give some tips later on, but I think I've already overcome that in terms of solo travel.
But my first solo vacation was about a year after my 50th birthday. So I have this great village of friends who showed up for my birthday, the month after Shane passed away and his birthday, our anniversary, all the holidays, father's day. Everybody showed up and now it's during COVID and my 50th birthday is looming and I decided I was going to go to Cabo San Lucas, which was our favorite vacation place.
The only place we actually ever went for vacation pretty much. We'd been there about 20 times at least. So I was very comfortable going, but I did not tell my friends until about a week before I was leaving. Cause I knew they would say, and we're coming to it. And they did, but I said, no, this is something I need to do on my own.
I need to start standing on my own two feet and figure out life, like what it's going to be like and it was amazing. It was quiet. It was COVID but I knew my way around. So it was a nice to start in a place that I was comfortable with. So that's what it would be. That would be a suggestion I would have start with something you're comfortable with and navigating on your own is going to be different, but those memories come back.
It was lovely to relive all the memories. To, to sit with my grief. And I think that's something I would caution everyone. It's not all joy and fun and adventure because when we're set and we are present, those feelings are going to come up. There's times that we're lonely and grief hits us when we're at home.
It will hit us when we're traveling. And I would say just honor and welcome that I've had some of my Best grief when I've been traveling, which probably sounds odd, but I'm a very busy type a person. And I never allowed myself to sit with my grief. So when I'm traveling, I will be on a balcony and, in Italy with a glass of wine and let the tears flow.
And that trip, I did have tears. And it does not mean that the trip is ruined and with sadness and loneliness or grief, it just helps this. Journey of self discovery again, giving yourself the time and the presence. And that's what I found on that trip. And I was very proud of myself for doing it at the end of it and in managing through it, enjoying my time and realizing that that I'm able to do it.
I think one thing we all learn is my confidence anyway and I've heard this that others are we lose our confidence after our, our person is gone and the world has turned upside down and I know I was having anxieties tax I was struggling with the loss of Confidence. Cause I always felt that I was very confident and competent, but as I've traveled more and navigated different trips, that's all come back and and even more so that's been really helpful.
[00:09:26] Emily: You made so many good points in there that I want to call out. I think about you are so spot on when we are traveling solo, we feel like there's this big flashing sign over our heads that are like, Hey, everybody, look at this person. They're all by themselves, or they have an empty chair next to them, or, what kind of loser is, eating dinner by themselves.
Yeah. And for, going out traveling for work, I also did a lot of that for many years. And so it was easier for me, if you will, to sit in a restaurant by myself and not to feel that. But, I would go to the symphony by myself, or I would go to a movie or other places by myself where I'm like, this is so weird.
I feel like I'm the only solo person that's here and everyone's staring and looking. But to your point, They're not, even though it feels like it. And a lot of people are self absorbed. So even if they look at you for five seconds, they're not going to think anything about you, beyond that. I also love how you talked about like leaning into your grief while you were traveling.
Cause I think sometimes we look at travel as a way to avoid or distract or go someplace new where we can. Get away of memories with our person, but traveling for me as always. Felt very healing and almost therapeutic in its own way and being willing to set in those feelings and to process all of the things can be very helpful.
[00:11:03] Gina: Absolutely. Absolutely. I do think people think it's supposed to be only just fun. But I love the word and I, you have embraced this in some of your podcasts, I can. Be, surrounded with sorrow and I can find joy and appreciation for what I'm doing. So if I'm going to be sad and sorrowful at times and moments, I might as well do it in Italy.
I think of, going out by yourself, you mentioned the symphony, what's the other option, not going to the symphony, sitting at home and having those feelings. So I've tried to embrace that very much. Like life will pass me by if I let those fears hinder me.
[00:11:39] Emily: Yeah. Yeah I totally agree.
And grief is just weird because you do so like fully embrace it. It is embracing the, and It was just a year after Nathan had died. I took the kids to St. Augustine, Florida. They had never been, Nathan and I had been several times, and it was like his, one of his favorite places to go and It was just, it was bittersweet, but it was just great.
Like it was great for them to see that side of him, like the things he liked to do, the Places we like to go eat for me to talk about why, we like certain things or, remember some of the stories of things that we had shared. And I didn't try to hide it. It just was the whole experience.
And we all expected that it was going to be not a hundred percent fun to your point, but it was just like good for the soul. I felt
[00:12:33] Gina: and it keeps them alive in their memories and talking about them. My boys love Cabo San Lucas too. And I love that they love it. I actually won a trip for work last year, like an award trip.
And it was to Cabo San Lucas. I'm like of all places I've been 30 times, but I took my younger son as my plus one. And it was so lovely. We went to Shane's favorite restaurants and talked about him. And just to keep that alive to me, to go to this familiar places is super fun. Yeah, it's great.
[00:13:04] Emily: Yes, I agree.
Travel Tips for Widows
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[00:13:06] Emily: So I'm going to pick your brain for a minute on being such a frequent traveler. What tips would you give whether it's navigating an airport, finding a good hotel, picking a place to travel, just anything that comes to mind that would help widows who are feeling a little hesitant or nervous about traveling again?
[00:13:29] Gina: Absolutely. I would say first off to start small and local, some people don't want to dine in their own town. So maybe go to the next town over it and spend a weekend. I love taking my dog out. So if I do feel uncomfortable, he's sitting there and you can play with him if there's a dog friendly town.
So I would say start local or places that you're comfortable. Bring your pet to a pet friendly place is fun. But in terms of just like where to go and what to do, I love inspiration. I'll be honest from Facebook and Tik TOK, there are amazing Facebook groups. There's solo women, traveler women, girls who travel, there's a.
Over 50 solo women traveler groups. I've read that 86 percent of solo travelers are women, like we are not waiting anymore for life to pass us by, or for our friends to be able to go. So it is becoming a thing and they even have travel groups for solo women so you're In a group, but they're all women who are coming by themselves and you can spend as much time together doing the planned activities or as little time.
And I've not done that myself, but I've heard that's a really great way to start. So taking, I think EF tours is one, and I'm not familiar with more, but I've heard of them. So I really think that there are like minded women that want to travel. So that's a great way to get started too. But I think it's really just that first step, like book the ticket.
Buy the ticket. And I do Google flights. I've literally just been like, where's a cheap flight and buy the ticket. And that might not have been my top destination, but it's inexpensive. And then I'll find an Airbnb. I like little boutique hotels because they know who you are and they check in.
Mrs. Loftis, where are you headed? Can I drive you there? Checking in on me. And that when you're a solo traveler, it feels good that someone's watching out. So I've only stayed in an Airbnb once by myself. So I liked the smaller boutique hotels. I feel very safe and looked after when I'm in those hotels.
[00:15:20] Emily: Yeah, that's, those are some excellent tips. I'm actually getting to do an EF tour with two of my kiddos. Next month in July. We're recording this in June. Yeah in July And it's obviously not for solo women, but it's a similar concept, right? Like a group of people they're organizing everything you pretty much pay for everything up front You can pay over the course of a year And it's really, I think, going to be a great experience.
So I definitely would recommend that too. And I know Modern Widows Club, they have a travel group as well, I think on Facebook. That's a good suggestion. So especially you're trying to get your feet underneath you with traveling.
[00:16:03] Gina: I think so that I have joined, but I have not gone to any trips that I really think that there are so many like minded people that can help support those that need a little bit extra of a hand to get started.
[00:16:15] Emily: Yes.
[00:16:16] Gina: Yes. That is funny. I just mentioned need a hand. So I would love to share this story. I just recently went to Sedona, Arizona, and if anyone's familiar, just beautiful vistas and views. I'm not much of a hiker, but I'm definitely. Person who wants to go experience things. So I went and I wanted to do this.
So when I was in Sedona, Arizona, I had seen this hike called the subway, subway cave hike. And it's about eight miles round trip. And I, that was my goal of going and it was cold and rainy. And all of the Instagram tips said go early because it's like Disneyland. So I went early, no one was out because it was 40 degrees and rainy.
And I, my biggest concern was that I would be bored in my own head and I realized I was not, it was an amazingly beautiful hike, but I get there and there's only two young women there and they showed me one way to go up, which is fairly easy. Scrambling up rocks, so fairly easy, but then you had to traverse a not so flat, narrow ledge.
Super afraid of heights. So as I get closer, I'm like, that's not happening. I came back down and I was trying to get up the steeper, more complicated way, but I'm the only person there now. And I can hear Shane in my head. Do not get hurt. Do not get hurt out here. And for the life of me, I could not get up there.
I could not get the handhold I needed and the rain started coming. And so I just sat and I was eating a granola bar and watching the vistas from where I was sitting was still beautiful. And. Thinking I'm not going to make it. I'm hyped all this way and I'm not going to make it. And I had a friend that week say, I feel like you're a journey person.
You love all about the journey and the destination is not as important. And so I was trying to convince myself that maybe this was just the gift that God was meaning to give to me today. Like this, having this amazing place by myself. And so I started packing up thinking, okay. This is what it is.
This is fabulous. And I have to enjoy it. But then I said, no, I really came this far. I just needed a hand. And sure enough, about 10, 15 minutes later, the hordes started arriving and some of them scrambled up this really hard way But one gentleman turned around and offered me his hand and that's all I needed.
And I got up there and I took just amazing pictures from this beautiful view. So I think that there are challenges in solo travel, but there's someone there willing to give us a hand too. And I love that because I literally said, all I need is a hand. And there it was, and it was breathtaking. And again, one of those things that builds more confidence and helps us find who we are when we're able to solo travel.
And it's great to have. That would have people around to help too.
[00:18:52] Emily: Yeah, I think naturally as women we tend to be a little more nervous about traveling by ourselves or being a new place and not really knowing very many strangers. But I've also had a similar experience where when you travel, you meet people.
People that are willing to help, or willing to give you a hand, or willing to point you in the right direction, or they're happy to tell you about where you are and just welcome you into the area, and so that can be a really enriching experience too, is just getting more into the, in the environment, meeting other people, and just feeling like you're fully immersed in the experience.
[00:19:32] Gina: I love that. Absolutely. You can spend as much time by yourself or, one evening I feel more outgoing and I've met people and spent all evening with them and people about Instagram friends. I met one woman on a solo trip and she was with her husband and we were scuba diving and she invited me like two months later.
She said, I'm going on a solo trip to the Bahamas. Would you like to join me? And I did. So met new friends, had more adventures. And I think if we're open to that, we can have that. And we can also have the quiet time that we need to be alone as well. So it's one of those things about solo travel. It's what you want when you want it.
And I love that about it.
[00:20:09] Emily: Yeah. So what are some of your places to travel to?
Gina's Adventures and Future Plans
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[00:20:15] Gina: Bucket list is so long, but I do also try to try, find the deals. So Mexico, I've been to a number of times and I know women worry about safety. I've always felt very safe staying in, the tourist areas and and taking, if I do any tours with reputable tour companies, but I've always felt very safe.
Then I don't go too far off the beaten path. And Europe, I'm planning a trip to Switzerland in the South of France right now. I'm super excited about awesome. And yeah, that's very exciting. But I think again, Europe has been a bucket list. I think I really just follow, subscribe to newsletters to follow ideas, whether that's Thailand, Bali, Iceland, I really have a bucket list.
Last year, I actually I have a word every year and last year was adventure. So 2023 was my year of adventure. And I committed to myself that I would have an adventure every single month. I was exhausted by the fall, but I had the most spectacular year. I learned to scuba dive on a solo trip in Tulum was not ever on my radar thing I'd want to do.
And I got certified and I hiked on a glacier in Alaska and I river rafted and chase waterfalls and Maui. And amazing things I got to do. And I did try wakeboarding, which was not very successful. Dating was an adventure, not travel related, but not so successful either, but it was a great adventure.
And it makes me realize that I want to create this big, bold, beautiful life and the travel weather. And I do travel with friends. I do have friends and I do travel with them as well, but I love my alone travel too. I love. Getting to find this new version of me. I can be whoever I want to be or better yet exactly who I'm supposed to be, I don't feel like I have this big red W and I'm walking around with when I'm traveling on my own.
No one, looks at me with the little bit of sadness when they see me, it was like my friends and family and neighbors do. It's just, it's entirely freeing. I feel like
[00:22:15] Emily: Wow, that's, that is an amazing year of adventures.
[00:22:20] Gina: I'm not having another one, but I, but it has seeped into my being. I have swam with sharks this year.
[00:22:28] Emily: It's hard to swim with sharks. Now, were you like in the cage and you got lowered into all these sharks?
[00:22:35] Gina: We were scuba diving in the Bahamas with this lovely woman I met while I was solo traveling. And they're reef sharks. They say the puppy dogs of sharks. Still not ever doing it again, but it was an adventure.
[00:22:50] Emily: I would have been terrified.
[00:22:53] Gina: I was terrified. Yeah, I was terrified.
[00:22:56] Emily: So what's your word of the year for 2024?
[00:22:59] Gina: Interestingly, got it. Yeah. I have it. It's just, oh, you can't say it's backwards. Forward. So it's very I think bland this year compared to adventure, but I have one balance.
I have them all over my room. Forward this year, it's really about how do I find the balance moving forward, because I can't live that life of adventure. To the extent I did last year. But how do I move forward in the life I'm building now and balance being home and comfortable in my own skin, in my own living room and balancing that with the adventure, having adventures, maybe closer to home.
So how do I just move forward in this life again, moving on five years, I feel like it's time to really identify what this should look like.
[00:23:40] Emily: Yeah. Oh, that's awesome.
Reflections on Grief and Moving Forward
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[00:23:43] Emily: And being, five years out how do you feel now? Because a lot of the widows I talk to, they're two years out, one year out, three years out.
So five years is helpful for them to know if you have a different perspective or if just see things a little bit differently now how has that changed for you being five years later? Yeah.
[00:24:04] Gina: A lot. I will say I hated the people. It will get better. It'll get better. And you hear that all the time.
I'm going to say. It does. I feel like I'm still in love with my husband. People would probably be surprised at how much I do still have tears because I miss him and I love him. And and I've still been able to build life that I love. I love who I am now. I love my life and I loved what it was and I miss him and I'm sorrowful and I'm joyful.
I am probably the most joyous person that I know out of all of my friends, because I appreciate life in a way that I don't that I stopped to do. So I will say it. It does get better as trite as that sounds. And it's I would say that what I didn't do and I would recommend is to give yourself the time to grieve.
But also ask yourself to take those steps forward and to say, what are you going to do today? I would always say, I didn't want to get up. What am I going to do to make Shane proud today? And just keep taking that one step forward. And then when there's two steps back and you can't get out of bed, cause that's a day that I would say I didn't feel well and maybe just not get out of bed that day.
Not very often, but give ourselves grace for that. It is sometimes one step forward and two steps back and we have to give ourselves grace, but there is happiness and joy and the life that, that you will fall in love with again.
[00:25:20] Emily: Oh, beautifully said. Beautifully said. But it is five
[00:25:26] Gina: years and I appreciate what one year and two years and three years and even last year on one of my adventure trips, I'm like, I need to sit down and journal and really figure out where I'm at.
Am I lost or is this? This is who I am now and I came across the all who wander are not lost just because I travel and I wander and I haven't quite figured it all out does not mean that I'm lost. And I think that even, all through our lives we will miss our person and we will feel untethered at times, but at one year and two years, very much you will find your balance again.
[00:26:03] Emily: Yeah. I felt like I was just on this tiny boat in the middle of the ocean. And I'm like, all I can see is water. Yeah. You're like, I don't know which way to go. And I just felt very untethered. Is exactly.
[00:26:16] Gina: I also like a hot air balloon and Shane was my, he was what tied me to the earth. Otherwise I just float around and I don't know what my tie back to the earth is.
And I had to create that myself now. And it's been a little bit, it's been work. I think doing the work of grief is is hard. I just did a grief group this year and four and a half years out, I joined it and I felt like this was good to do the work and to feel like I had moved along farther than I thought I maybe had.
[00:26:42] Emily: Yeah. And I think too, so much of it is just figuring out who you are now and figuring out what you still like doing, what you don't like doing, what you want for this future for yourself. And that's. That's soul searching, hard work, like just feeling like you have to discover your purpose and who you are and what you want and build something that's new because you can't 100 percent go back to the life that you had before.
[00:27:13] Gina: You can't I read someone say I want to be who I was and I'm like, you'll never be that person. And I love what you said about, just the work of this is a lot and I don't know why. We have to be so intimate with grief to do this work, because we'll never going to be that person. And it is a brand new person.
And, but you said that, who do we want to be? And that's the hardest thing to even know, let alone to start doing the work, but we can be intentional about it and get there and it's doesn't come right away. So if someone's in their first year or second year or third year I would not beat myself up that I'm not feeling like I'm there yet, because I think we're all still doing the work.
[00:27:51] Emily: Yeah, we are. We are.
Conclusion and Contact Information
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[00:27:53] Emily: Gina, thank you so much for coming on the show today and sharing your story and your tips for travel. How can people, if they want to follow you, if they want to reach out to you what's the best way that people can find you?
[00:28:07] Gina: Thank you for asking. I literally just have been told I need to start sharing my story.
I will be on Instagram adventures in grief and I'm starting a blog that same name. And then on Tik TOK widow around the world, which I do have a few of my adventures, pigs in the Bahamas and scuba diving. And then I'm going to try and keep that updated with some tips and places to go, because I do take a lot of pictures and I'd love to share that.
Please reach out. And if anyone wants to reach out to you and. Instant message me or DM me I'm happy to share tips about, how I got started, where I find my flights, all of that. And I'm happy to help any way I can.
[00:28:43] Emily: Awesome. For anyone who's listening or multitasking and you want to look up Gina, we'll put all of her links in the show notes so that you can go back and find that.
And again, Gina, just thank you. I love traveling. So this was a fun conversation and I think it's really going to help some of our fellow widows who are hesitant about getting out there.
[00:29:06] Gina: I would say take that step and thank you so much, Emily, for having me on today.
Host's Travel Experience and Final Encouragement
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[00:29:10] Emily: We're going to do a little time travel because it is now several weeks after I recorded this podcast episode with Gina and I just got back from a two week vacation and travel tour with EF Tours with two of my kiddos. We went to New Zealand, Australia, and Hawaii and the trip was incredible, amazing, exhausting, and all of the things.
But I just thought this was a perfect time. To really encourage you, if you've been thinking about traveling, or if this is an area where you feel like you've been held back because you're afraid to travel, I want to encourage you work with a coach, work with a group of friends, reach out to a tour group, like EF Tours.
They have a group called the Go Ahead Tours. They have, Widow travel groups. They have solo women travel groups. Like, there are so many options where you could be in a completely
curated, organized, hosted travel event where you're not traveling alone until you build up that confidence to be able to do it.
You can totally do this. I believe in you.
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