113 Rebecca Video
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Welcome and Introduction
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[00:00:00] Emily: Hey. And welcome to episode number 113 of the brave widow show before we dive into today's episode, I just want to remind you that you can still join the brave widow mastermind, but the doors will be closing soon. The Brave Widow Mastermind is a six month group coaching program, where I spend two hours every week live with you on zoom and walk you through all of the tools, the systems, the strategies that I've used for myself, that other professionals use, and that I use with my widow coaching clients
[00:00:43] in just six months, you can learn how to build your confidence, how to discover your purpose. How to build new healthy relationships, and so much more
[00:00:56] to learn more about the mastermind and a schedule, a consult call with me to get started, go to brave widow. com slash mastermind.
[00:01:04] All right.
Meet Rebecca: A Journey of Resilience
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[00:01:04] Emily: Let me introduce you to Rebecca.
[00:01:06] Rebecca has been widowed for 12 years, remarried for four, and she has two daughters ages 11 and 13. She was eight weeks pregnant with her youngest when her husband passed away. She is currently an elementary Spanish teacher and a grief life coach and author of a children's grief book.
[00:01:25] Be sure to check out the show notes for all of the links to Rebecca's book and ways that you can connect with her. All right, let's dive in.
[00:01:33] Rebecca, so much for coming on the podcast today.
[00:01:37] I'm so glad that you're here.
[00:01:39] Rebecca: I'm happy to be here.
[00:01:42] Emily: Yeah, so I know our audience would love to know more about you, about your story, your background. So if you don't mind, if you'll just introduce yourself and share some about what you do, then we will dive right in.
Rebecca's Story: Love, Loss, and New Beginnings
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[00:01:56] Rebecca: Okay, so I'll share a little bit about what I do now and who I am, and then I'll share my story a little bit.
[00:02:02] I am Rebecca. I live in New Jersey. I relocated after I was widowed at 32 years old. Today, I am a Spanish teacher, elementary Spanish teacher. During the day and a grief life coach in the evenings and on weekends. So it's my part time, job right now. And I love it. I've been doing it for seven years I published a book last summer for children who have lost a parent with mindfulness strategies that i've used with my own children dealing with grief and things that have helped me myself along my journey.
[00:02:37] Yeah, that's a little bit about me right now. I'm oh, I am happily remarried four years now. And I live in New Jersey now. I was living in Massachusetts When my husband was alive and then relocated after and i'll share some of that with my story
[00:02:55] Emily: Awesome. Thank you so much. And I know that a lot of people that listen to the show, they're in that first, typically one to five years, usually around two or three years is where I end up catching a lot of people.
[00:03:08] I know they're going to be so interested to hear about your journey and how. You're several years down the road, you can just see the joy and the excitement for life, like in your voice and yes. And to be a published author and to also be a coach for widows. That is just amazing.
[00:03:30] Let's jump into your story. I know they would love to hear that.
[00:03:33] Rebecca: Okay, so I had to jot down a few things because it has been some time for me. In November, I'm coming up on 12 years. So I'll share a little bit about how my late husband and I met our journey and , how it got me to where I am today.
[00:03:49] So I met my late husband, Ryan, in 1996 in an AOL chat room, believe it or not. I know. Which is funny because I met my husband today on a dating app, so I don't know. But at the time, that was very taboo, right? To talk to people in an AOL chat room and end up meeting them. So we had talked and I fell in love with Ryan through his words.
[00:04:13] He was very poetic, very romantic. We just both felt slightly outcast, I think, in high school a little bit and we just connected. So we talked as friends and then of course our parents were terrified to have me meet this man from the internet. So my parents brought me and his parents brought him and we met up in Massachusetts.
[00:04:32] And and we honestly, it. We, there was definitely a, like a soulmate, like connection right away. I was 16 at the time, so who knew where my life was really going. We both remained friends for a few years. We went off, I went off to college in Pennsylvania and then we got together my last year of college.
[00:04:52] He would drive seven hours from Massachusetts to Pennsylvania every single weekend to visit me. And then when I graduated, I moved out to Massachusetts and. I don't know everyone who really was rooting against us , in high school and friends that were not as supportive or just, you're going to you're going to marry this guy from the Internet.
[00:05:12] You're going to move in with this guy, and he's a big teddy bear. He was a great guy. So I moved out there and got my master's degree in Massachusetts. We had a house out there. I started teaching out there, loved my job. We ended up getting married in 2006 and then a few years later.
[00:05:32] So in 2011, we had our first daughter, Abigail, who is now 13 years old. So she was a barely two when my husband passed.
The Impact of Loss: Coping and Healing
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[00:05:43] Rebecca: And And so then, things were good for a while. Like we had a great marriage, we were best friends and everything. He struggled though over the years and with substance abuse.
[00:05:54] Not after we had my daughter, but prior. So like years prior when I met him, then he. Was doing just fine as far as I knew. And then so we had this little two year old and then I found out that I was pregnant with our second daughter. I found out in October of 2012 and November in 2012.
[00:06:18] We told my family at Thanksgiving that I was pregnant and a week later he passed of an overdose. He met a new friend, went out one night and the police came to my door at three in the morning. I had a little two year old Abigail sleeping. I'm getting a little choked up. Little two year old Abigail sleeping and I was eight weeks pregnant.
[00:06:40] He had gone out to supposedly watch a football game with a friend and Three in the morning, still wasn't home. The police came to my door, took me to the hospital and put me in that little room when I got there and I can remember every single detail from that little room and them telling me and me in shock, and then my in laws came with Abby my nearly two year old to the hospital.
[00:07:06] And I remember in that little room after finding out that he had passed singing old McDonald had a farm to my daughter to try to keep her entertained. So I don't know where the headspace was. I didn't do well for her. for a while. I really struggled. My parents tried to help.
[00:07:21] I got the support from friends. I had great friends out in Massachusetts, mom friends who would come over and clean my house for me, bring me food. It's that, it was just shock though. It was complete shock as far as I knew there was nothing going on like that. You, I couldn't expect that.
[00:07:37] Now I work with widows, some of lost, a spouse to cancer or two different things. And they, try to compare. I say, we all have a loss. The sudden loss is a little different, there was no goodbyes. And then when I got, when I was at the hospital. Things were under investigation and they had asked me initially, do you want to go, see him?
[00:07:55] And I said, I needed a little time. And then by the time that I had wanted to go see him, it was too late. They basically said it was under investigation. So I did not see him till the day of his funeral, which was the day before my birthday. And I remember very vividly. As soon as I walked into the funeral home, walking up to the casket, collapsing.
[00:08:19] Just collapsing to my knees. People I asked for the funeral home to be empty and for me to have my time, like with him. And there was just, there were people there, people showed up. I was like distraught. I was just not, I'm obviously not in an okay place mentally and emotionally. I did have a great support system.
[00:08:38] However, you're still, it's still dealing with me, right? I had to deal with me and then I had this two year old and then I had a baby inside me. So going forward, I ended up. Leaving the job I loved, leaving the house I loved, leaving the life that I loved in Massachusetts and moving in with my parents in New Jersey so that I would have some support while I was pregnant and to help me through this journey.
Navigating Grief and Finding Support
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[00:09:00] Rebecca: So they were a great support.
[00:09:04] Emily: I can't even imagine and I know I've talked with a lot of widows who were pregnant or had just had their baby right when their spouse died and I just can't even imagine like it was hard enough for me with kids that were a little bit older, but a 2 year old needs you all the time.
[00:09:23] A newborn needs you all the time and there had to be a lot of complicated grief and just, A crazy, bittersweet experience to be bringing a new baby in the world. knowing that they're not going to be able to meet their dad. And, you weren't going to have him there for that experience as you normally might've expected.
[00:09:46] How'd you navigate those weeks and months?
[00:09:50] Rebecca: Some of it is a blur in all honesty. I say to Widows I work with, Jay, or other widows I talk to, that I only really had to deal, I had to deal with my two year old, obviously, very, but I dealt, I had to deal with me more than having to explain anything to, to children that were a little older, like yours, I didn't have to, I had, I didn't have to deal with their grief so much as my own, and I don't know whether easier or harder. I don't know. I, Abby was pulling her hair out for about six to seven months after he passed. So she had a reaction. Like she knew something was wrong. Something was different.
[00:10:27] I was working a few jobs. He was putting her to bed most nights and, Now he's not, we would sing to her this little good night, sweetheart song every night together. And I still try to sing it to my girls today before bed. And they giggle when I'll do like Ryan's little part his little singing part.
[00:10:44] But how I got through it the support of family and friends, probably I met a friend, Cassie in a Facebook group. In a pregnant and widowed Facebook group in 2012, and we are very close to this day. We do little widow night outs, here and there, but we walked each other through.
[00:11:03] She was pregnant her spouse also passed similarly right before Ryan. She was also pregnant. So we walked this journey together. Which was such an amazing support for me because who else would I have to understand my situation? There was no one that I was going to have to understand. So the finding the support and just having her like the Facebook groups eventually were depressing for me and hard for me.
[00:11:27] And I stayed off of that, but her and I, we would walk through, we still every year in the fall, cause it's coming up November and the end of November, it will be the anniversary. And usually I still get. Flashbacks, nightmares, everything. Still 12 years later, still coping with those things in the fall.
[00:11:45] My last little video, my only video clip I really have of him is him pumpkin picking with Abby on his shoulders and he's waving through the little cornfield. And so this time of year as it's approaching fall is a little harder. It's bittersweet cause I've made, making new memories, obviously.
[00:12:01] And the girls now that are 11, 13 are now. dealing with their grief. They're asking, they want to know more. And I, obviously I didn't have to explain much to them. Like I said for years, it was just, daddy isn't here. It's hard with a drug overdose to, to really explain that to a child.
[00:12:20] My girls now do know how he passed. We don't talk about it too much, it's, it is what it is. It's the facts. And I don't want to lie to my children. Yeah, that's where we're, we're at a good place now. We all do our therapy, we all do our mindfulness and our breathing strategies.
[00:12:36] I've taught them breathing strategies since they were wee little ones. And I think that's helped, just giving them some tools that they can use. to help and the tools that have helped me, my parents ended up watching them while I went away for some treatment for some help.
[00:12:54] I just I made a lot of poor decisions after he passed, after I had the baby, after I had Skylar and I needed to put myself back together. I couldn't really work. I couldn't really function. I couldn't be a mom. And the best decision I ever made for myself was. To have my parents watch my children while I was getting help.
[00:13:13] And so I went away for help. And it was like a women's treatment center and it, do I say it cured me? It made me a lot better. No, but it really helped me process my grief. And that's why I always say, even like prior to working with me as a life coach, like grief counseling is important to be able to process things, and having that on hand, but I do a lot of breathing.
[00:13:34] I'm a constant worrier by nature. I have a lot of anxiety. And of course my anxieties today are now about worrying about my children. And then now being remarried, my, my biggest fear is obviously something happening to that, and, and it's just, it's, so I have to do a lot of breathing strategies, use those myself just to not be so anxious all the time.
[00:14:00] Emily: Yeah, that that had to be so difficult getting through those first weeks, months, even a couple of years. What do you suggest typically to widows if they don't have an option to go to a treatment facility or to a place to have time to focus on themselves, what else do you suggest as being one of the most helpful things that they can do?
[00:14:24] Rebecca: It's finding, so finding some kind of support, whether that's like online support, finding like someone in one of the groups that a lot of people are in or finding just, someone or reaching out to the community just to get some help, especially in the beginning, like I read on windows page all the time.
[00:14:40] Is it okay that I'm giving my kids Mac and cheese and chicken nuggets every night? Yes, it's okay. It's absolutely okay. And is it okay that I'm, just, microwaving pizza here? Yes, that's. It's normal. My biggest advice is honestly the one minute at a time.
[00:14:55] That's how I did things. It was one minute, then five minutes, then maybe I got through an hour, maybe I got through two hours and then, a day at a time. And And just, taking a breath and now I, there's this quote that my dad, I think might have shown me or said to me when I was in like middle school and it was something like, remember the past, live the present, trust the future.
[00:15:19] And I really, I try to live by that, I don't forget, I feel like I have a whole new life today. It's a whole different. Life than I ever anticipated. All my goals, all the dreams that we had together, that Ryan and I had together, were gone. So then it was like reinventing myself.
[00:15:36] And, after he passed, the words that I used to describe myself were broken. I was a shell of a person. I just really didn't know who I was without a partner. So then I made a lot of poor choices over the years with dating. That's something I guess is my specialty in a sense with yeah, my specialty in a sense with life coaching because I made so many mistakes.
[00:15:57] And so one of the biggest pieces of advice that I give to widows that are looking for that next chapter is to not settle. We make a perfect person list together of like qualities that we look for, that you'd want that maybe some match up to your late husband. And some might be some qualities that you don't want of your late, so figuring out like the non negotiables and the things that just wouldn't accept in life.
[00:16:22] And I feel like, I guess I didn't feel deserving or I wouldn't find anyone that was just going to be that compatible with me. So I just settled on, this is what's out there, and I, I did care about these people. I just didn't know who I was.
[00:16:37] It
[00:16:39] took me a while.
[00:16:40] If I met my now husband, 10 years ago after being widowed, I don't think it would have been right then.
Rebuilding Life: New Love and New Dreams
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[00:16:45] Rebecca: I was not in the right headspace, but we met, we met five years ago, I've been married four years now, and my husband today is my best friend. I say I'm so lucky that I, I'm able to have two soulmates in my life and people don't believe that's possible, but it is because I think it's ignorant to think that there's only one person on this planet for you, and even if that person was your best friend and Ryan was, he was my best friend.
[00:17:09] I knew him for 16 years from the time I was 16 and he passed when I was 32. And Tommy, my husband today, I don't know. He took on my two girls. They call him dad. They talk about daddy Ryan. My husband today, like I'm getting emotional, set up in a memorial for my late husband.
[00:17:29] Near our front yard and, he landscaped it and everything just so we would have a place to go. And I didn't know that I needed that, but this past Father's Day, the girls and I really needed that.
[00:17:43] Emily: That is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. I think so many widows think, like you said, I have to settle.
[00:17:51] Nobody's gonna want me. I felt I'm getting close to 40, I'm overweight. I have four kids. I'm a widow. This is not turning out to be a stellar dating profile, but you shared such A beautiful example of the ability to find someone who just fits like a perfect puzzle piece and with your family and who can embrace your past and even help you in honoring and remembering your past like you mentioned in your quote like that's so amazing.
[00:18:23] Rebecca: And I don't talk about Ryan all the time, but I'm not afraid to talk about him with my current husband. And I think a lot of what they're like, do I not talk about it? Do I, not share memories? And it's hard, obviously, when you're going on dates and stuff, the first thing you don't bring up is this is what I did with my late husband.
[00:18:38] This is, you don't, but, Tommy's just, him and his whole family, has just embraced me and the girls and it's just it's very, it's beautiful. And yeah, yeah, the girls adore him. We've gone through quite a few challenges together in the past few years.
[00:18:55] We bought a house together, but I'm like living in my. my dream house now which is crazy to me. I live in an area of New Jersey that I never thought I'd live in. It's very woodsy. We have a, little under two acres with a nice, a nice pool and just this life that I never thought I'd be living.
[00:19:12] And there's some days that are hard. There's still days that I, that I think of Ryan, especially in these coming months. And, I, when I said I have like nightmares sometimes, like Tom, you'll grab my hand in the middle of the night. If he hears that if I'm unsettled or just not, having a tough night and he'll just grab my hand, it's not always that we need to talk about it.
[00:19:32] Just having him as a best friend and support to help. Now has been, I can't even, it's invaluable.
[00:19:40] Emily: Yeah. Yeah. That's so beautiful. And I know, okay. I know people listening, especially since this is one of your areas, like your expertise. Okay.
Advice for Widows: Self-Care and Dating
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[00:19:51] Emily: So one of the questions I always get is how do I know I'm ready today?
[00:19:55] I think I am. I'm not sure. Could you share maybe just one or two quick things, like ways people can know, or do a little gut check if they're
[00:20:05] Rebecca: quote unquote ready. if they have done self care on themselves first. It's all about figuring out who you are first. So a lot of what we do in like my sessions is self care, setting goals, working on like I said, that perfect person list and talking about all of that.
[00:20:27] We do meditations together and we try to get in the practice of like things like that as habit because we're all dealing with the anxiety and the stress. And then the dating world is a whole mess of a situation. But I say, Don't settle and how do you know when you're ready? I say after you've worked on yourself and you've probably done some processing a little bit.
[00:20:49] Of And you feel like there's room in your heart to add that person But then it's you know, the dating sites are scary and not that fun all the time at all. And And it's hard to honestly meet someone in just real world. It's not like people just you know You Go to bars, go to coffee shops and just, meet dates anymore.
[00:21:08] I don't think as much. It it's a hard navigation, but it's possible. And I have widow clients from like small groups from a couple years and I have, many that are married now that, when I started with them, I'm not saying it had nothing to do with me. It was all on them.
[00:21:23] It's them, it's putting in that work on yourself. And just feeling whole without a partner, feeling whole and and then just knowing that your heart is open to adding someone and that you, you have to be able to move forward from the grief it's not completely letting it go.
[00:21:43] It's not forgetting it, but you it's a matter of, I say, like life coaching is like moving forward, whereas therapy is more rehashing the past of it. And it's all about let's figure out you currently where you are right now and then getting you to move forward and setting new goals and, and then.
[00:22:01] Talking about the dating and I have like specifics on what to put on your dating Like the app websites and things, things like that we talk about in more specifics but the core of it is making sure that you're putting in the work on You know, first.
[00:22:18] Emily: Yeah, I totally agree.
[00:22:19] I made a lot of mistakes early on in dating wasted a lot of time and it really wasn't until I started focusing on who I wanted to be, what I wanted for my life. With or without somebody else, like regardless, and I really started trying to embody that future version of myself. Okay if I was dating someone, what are the things we would be doing?
[00:22:43] Where would we be going? What kind of dates would we go on? And go, just go by yourself. Super weird and awkward at first. But to your point once you feel. So you're not going to want to do the whole thing. Do it all on your own, but if you're trying to do it on your own and you start to be excited about life again, then you look for someone who makes your life sweeter.
[00:23:01] You don't settle for someone where you have to make a lot of concessions and compromises and all of this. Yeah.
[00:23:07] Rebecca: Agreed. Yeah. Like I say, like my marriage today is easy. That's the very easy part of my life today. And it just, things just have to, they do fall into place, but you do have to put that work in on you.
[00:23:22] Absolutely.
[00:23:23] Emily: And that can be difficult for people to navigate. I know, even for myself, like I wouldn't want to make decisions because I would think, oh, what if I meet someone and they don't like this? Or what if they don't want to live there? What if they, don't like doing these things instead of thinking of, I want to create a vibrant, full life and the right person is going to be attracted to those things.
[00:23:46] And yeah, it's just, it's amazing. So you're remarried now, your girls, love this man. It's been a wonderful experience. What are your thoughts around some of the complexities of, like you said, navigating or managing this concept of, I love the past. And the life and the relationship I had, and I also love this new life that might be a little easier, might be a little less volatile, might be a little, I hear a lot of widows who just feel very guilty for having those kinds of thoughts.
[00:24:21] So I'm just curious what your take on that is.
[00:24:23] Rebecca: I think the guilt first of all is completely normal because I felt all of that. And especially like when my heart really. Went to Tommy. It was just that it was guilt. It was guilt. But I feel like I've been to a few mediums, like that.
[00:24:40] And, you say, Ryan's going to guide someone to you at the right time in your life. And I feel like Tommy came in. It was the right time. And, the timing for me, it was many years, but I have some widows that have married, after two years and been able, even let them just have, discovered themselves or some of the widows who were caregivers for their spouses before they passed from different, cancers and different things like that were just ready sooner because they had the time to process a bit and to greet like with their partner like that.
[00:25:14] This is just a few of the, the ones that I've worked with. But they said, I really feel like I, I'm ready for that companion in my life now that I can be equals with. And yes, that's probably what I would do.
[00:25:29] Emily: I think that's great. And and is one of my favorite words because I have to say you can love your past and you can love your present or your future.
[00:25:37] Yes, absolutely. It doesn't, one doesn't have to diminish the other.
[00:25:41] Rebecca: No, I feel like I, like I say, I'm a different person today. I don't dislike the person I was back then, and and I, I was probably bitter with Ryan too for a while. Obviously with the, how he passed.
[00:25:55] And I had to move up, move past that. I had to move past, like the anger part of it because there was just so much love there that I, and I was missing. That I was missing. And my heart is full today. I think Ryan guided me on this path to find, this happiness and this happy place that I have with Tommy and the girls today.
[00:26:16] The girls and I worked together last summer and we ended up publishing a book, which you mentioned before for children that have lost a parent with the breathing strategies, the mindfulness strategies. But it was, you don't write a book. I will tell you to make money that is not. I don't know if anyone can make, there's people out there, obviously, but that was not my intention.
[00:26:34] My intention was more a passion project, something that I needed to do for me. And then the girls were part of, so I actually have it here and you can share it after, but the watercolor in the background on all the pages, the girls did. And so it's special. So I have like their names are on the cover and everything.
[00:26:52] And it's just been. It was a really great experience for us and we've donated, copies of the book to a grief organization that has helped us on this journey, a few grief journey. And that's more what I do. I'd rather donate to a widow who could, could use it.
[00:27:07] I know finances can be tough in the beginning. I had no life insurance from Ryan because we didn't get like the plan was to get life insurance after Skylar was born, but he didn't make it until Skylar. I ended up on, honestly, I might, yeah, I filed bankruptcy. After he passed and have come out of that and I'm back to teaching.
[00:27:29] I've switched the grade levels three times that I've taught, but I do that and I tutor and I life coach and I just, I feel like I'm busy, but life is full and I have my good days and bad days, but I, and I dealt with some health issues myself this year and that was scary.
[00:27:48] That was actually very scary as a widow to deal with some health issues, which thankfully are all good. But but as, as a widow, all those things that, there's it's scary grief. Grief. Grief is complicated. And we know that, and when they talk about like stages of grief, I say, there's really, there's no order to those stages.
[00:28:06] I think I went into the denial stage, three years in, five years in, seven years in, like you get to, it's just, no, that never happened. Like that it's just, it feels like it was just a big nightmare sometimes. But I am so grateful for my life today. And I try, to share hope with other widows.
[00:28:25] It is possible to rebuild yourself and to find love again.
Conclusion and Resources
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[00:28:31] Emily: Tell everyone they want to find your book. They want to find you and connect with you or work with you. What's the best way to learn more about you or to find you.
[00:28:42] Rebecca: So the best way to find me is probably probably Facebook, I would say. Facebook, I'm under Rebecca Jill Grief Life Coach. So it's Rebecca Jill colon Grief Life Coach.
[00:28:51] And then my book is called Grieving While Growing Together. Mindfulness Strategies to help children cope after the loss of a parent and that is on Amazon. And even I have some, most people find me though on Facebook. And then I do a lot of like little free workshops too, where just one on ones to get to know people first, because I always feel like I have to be a good match with the person I work with.
[00:29:15] I feel selective with even though it's, you would think like people say, Oh, widows, like how do you market that? And I was like, it's just it's. It's not as small of a market, if you call it that, but it's I said, I do this because I love what I do. I would do this, full time in a heartbeat.
[00:29:30] It's just I love teaching too. And I just switched to working with little ones and I'm loving it. So I'm going to take things one day at a time and just really, focus on that, on moving forward. And so yes, you could find me on Facebook. You could find my book on Amazon. I'm always just happy, to chat and, see if we're a good fit and whatnot, and if not point you in the right direction.
[00:29:57] Emily: Awesome. Thank you so much. And for everyone that's listening or watching all of the links to how you can find the book and how you can find Rebecca will be in the show notes. So don't worry about having to jot anything down. It'll all be there available for you to just click on. So Rebecca, thank you so much for coming on the show and just being willing to be so open and vulnerable about your story.
[00:30:25] And for wanting to help inspire other widows.
[00:30:29] Rebecca: Thank you so much for having me. It feels good. I've rescheduled this podcast a couple of times because I have had to be in the right headspace. And when I think I was sick when I initially scheduled to meet with you and I was just so happy that I was able to do this and, like I said I try to share hope because I know, especially in the beginning how hard it is and I can bring my head.
[00:30:50] space. If I close my eyes and think back, I could remember that so well. Like I say, I remember that little room I was in. I remember details from, those 12 years ago. Grief doesn't go away. We just have to try to move forward. That's all we can do.
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[00:31:06] if you're a widow struggling to move forward and you want clarity and direction on your exact next steps. The brave widow mastermind is the perfect program for you.
[00:31:17] In the Brave Widow mastermind, you are going to move from stress and chaos to routine and calm. You'll build confidence in yourself and your decision-making. Gain clarity and direction to get unstuck and track your progress to see the results for yourself. Go to brave widow.com to join the mastermind or learn more.
