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[00:00:00] Emily: Hey, hey, and welcome to episode number 114 of the Brave Widow show. Today we're going to talk about what to do when life feels incredibly overwhelming, when you have hundreds and thousands of to do's that are staring you right in the face, and how to create a sense of normalcy when everything is falling apart.
But first, if you're watching this on video, you have noticed over the last few weeks that things are changing. And so I wanted to share a few life updates with you. Some of you may recall that I shared previously in October, I'm going to be speaking at the National Funeral Directors Association, their international annual conference and expo in New Orleans, which is amazing. I'm going to be able to speak at this conference and what I am presenting is called Beyond the Service.
Now what do I do? And the whole premise of this presentation came from a funeral home who actually approached me and said, Hey, we love your content. We love what you're putting out there in the world. And we think more funeral homes need to be exposed to this. Because in many cases, we may have a widow or a widower who comes back to the funeral home the next day, the next week.
And they ask, well, what am I supposed to do now? And in many cases, we don't have the answer. So because of that one conversation and interaction, I have the amazing privilege, I pitched to speak at this convention, somehow by the grace of God, they accepted me and I'm going to be going there to speak to potentially thousands of attendees that are going to be present in New Orleans.
So I'm super excited. And I'm doing a modified version of that Because several of you have come to me with concerns and frustrations with maybe your church or your employer or your friends and family. Or people in different support groups who just, they don't get it. They don't understand. They don't know how to help you.
They don't know how to show up for you. Even though you know they want to. Even though they may have a heart of gold. They just don't know the best way to support you. And you don't have the mental energy and emotional bandwidth to educate people. So, Let me do that for you. Over the next few weeks, I'm going to be hosting a version of this presentation that is meant to help educate the people around you or the people in your community on how to best support widows.
Our first presentation is actually going to be today. If you're listening live to the podcast, it comes out today, Tuesday, September 10th, and it runs from 11 to 1230 PM central time. I will be putting out a replay. It will be available on YouTube so you can share it. , I will be hosting more sessions in the future.
So if people are interested. that they want to join. They want to attend live. They want to be able to ask questions real time or give feedback. Then you can have them go to BraveWidow. com slash beyond to join. It's B E Y O N D beyond and they can register for free.
It truly is just meant as a way to help educate people around you on what they can do to best support you and your journey and widows and grievers that they may come across in the future. So if you're planning on attending later today, I encourage you to I'm excited. I can't wait to see you. And if you want to attend in the future again, just go to BraveWidow.
com slash beyond to sign up. All right. So if you are watching this video and not just listening to the audio, you will notice in my background, some things are changing and yes, it's official. We have moved into our new house and it has been a wild, crazy, amazing experience. And for some reason, I thought it would be perfectly fine to move to a house on the exact same week that I needed to stage and photograph the old house to sell, that I needed to attend a three day live certification program through John Maxwell.
That my kids will be starting school that same week and having to change bus routes mid week on the day that we actually got moved and still support all my one on one coaching clients and the Brave Widow community. So, if you're a dreamer, I see you. I know what it means to have big dreams and aspirations and just feel like we were just going to get it all done.
But. By the second week of unpacking boxes at 10 and 11 p. m. at night, my body was screaming for a break. So I did get a much needed break over the Labor Day holiday weekend, and
[00:05:16] Emily: If you are somebody that has to take on the world, that you learn to listen to your body and to your mind when it tells you that you need a break, because I am feeling so much better and so much renewed for what we have going on in Brave Widow
I mentioned that I went through a certification program recently for John Maxwell. It's really centered around leadership. And executive leadership and how to coach through leading yourself, but also leading other people. And you may be wondering why I'm talking about this on a widow podcast, but the reason I want to bring it up is that I really have done a lot of reflection into different coaching packages that I offer, how I make things accessible for you, for people who want to learn.
For people who want to grow for people that want to heal. And I have been revamping my schedule and opening up some availability for some additional one on one coaching
to support people in that more intimate, private setting.
So, if coaching has been on your mind, if it's been something that you've been thinking about, this is actually an amazing time to sign up for a three month one on one coaching package with me. Just think about, here we are, practically the middle of September, three months from now, would be just before Christmas and think about how much further along that you could be before Christmas of this year.
Christmas, people, is going to be here before we know it. And I have been personally so moved by just watching the transformations that have happened with my coaching clients in two months, in three months, and seeing hearts that are being healed Seeing growth that is happening, seeing people change the lens and the perspective that they use to look at life, seeing people learn new things and actually apply it to their everyday life to improve their relationships or to implement boundaries or to find new routines,
Or to realize that they are so capable of so much more than what they've believed their whole life. Like, seriously, I have the best job in the world getting to support people, to navigate them, and to guide them on this journey of grief and healing and growing just to a whole new level. So, If you're thinking about coaching, you're not sure it's right for you.
You're not sure exactly what to expect or all the ins and outs. You can go to brave widow. com and you can schedule a consult call with me. This call is an hour. It's completely free. You will walk away with a value. You will walk away from that call knowing what your exact next step is and Even if it isn't one on one coaching,
I love being able to serve and support the widow community. So if you're thinking about coaching as I'm opening up these additional slots, this is the perfect time to join. Go to BraveWidow. com, schedule a consult call. You're not going to regret it.
Welcome to the brave widow show where we help widows find hope, heal their heart and dream again for the future. I'm your host, Emily Tanner. I help widows discover the next steps they need to take to get unstuck and move forward. After losing my husband of 20 years, I finally learned how to create a life that I love again, and I've made it my mission to help other widows do the same. Join me in the brave widow mastermind and get started today.
Learn more at bravewidow.com
[00:09:06] Emily: All right, so this week is week three in the Brave Widow Mastermind, and I am walking our masterminders through the different stages of widowhood and the different systems blueprints, programs, tools, strategies, all the things that I use that has helped me on my journey through grief and to healing and things that I use with my one on one clients and that has helped other widows in my life.
being able to move forward on their journey through grief and beyond grief. So today I want to talk to you about the first stage of widowhood. And if you're like, what are these stages of widowhood? Well, recently I shared four stages of widowhood that I Developed based on not only my own experience, but in working with interviewing, coaching, hundreds of other widows , what I've seen and where people come in in their journey and how that helps determine what next step they need to take in order to move forward.
Now, my disclaimer is that you can be in various stages of your life. at the same time based on different areas of your life. What I always look at is what is some of the biggest pain points? What are the challenges? What thoughts are prevalent in your mind? Are you someone who's way down with guilt and regret, or you're just
really struggling to feel like you're able to get traction and you're able to move forward. And all of those things come together to give me clues as a coach to be able to customize a plan that has helped every one of my clients be able to start moving forward.
Now, this isn't a cookie cutter, this isn't to put somebody in a box, this isn't to slap labels on people by any means, but it is a roadmap. It is an indicator of where people are and where they are going. could eventually be on their journey beyond grief. So I want to talk to you today about the first stage, which is devastation.
And I'm not going to go into a lot of details about what that is, what that means. But I want to share with you five things that I include as part of my chaos to calm blueprint that I am currently coaching widows and teaching the masterminders in the mastermind group. So that you can have a sneak peek into some of the things that we're doing and you can start to explore these on your own journey.
So when we consider someone who's in what I'll call the first stage of widowhood, which is devastation, it is survival mode. It's highly volatile. It can be super emotional, feels overwhelming. You may be battling some brain fog, things may be unclear and hazy, and even when you're moving forward, you're healing your heart, you're making new connections, you are trying new things, like you're doing all of the things, there are things that can bubble up in our life.
That feel like we get pushed right back where we started where we get pushed back into those thoughts of, this isn't fair. I shouldn't be dealing with this. This is something that he would be dealing with. Why is this happening to me? I feel so overwhelmed, like it's just a lot of emotions and volatility that can happen whenever we're living in this stage, or even if we've grown beyond that.
If something bubbles up and happens and puts us right back in there. So I've identified five key things that we can address and we can focus on when we're in this devastation stage. And what I do with the masterminders is a deep dive on each one of these so that we can better understand each of these components of this chaos to calm blueprint and what those steps look like.
So the first key area that I look at when someone's living in this devastation, and they're in this survival mode, is to help them create some sort of routine.
Without a routine, it's very difficult to feel a sense of normalcy. If you have kids that are in school, or if you remember having kids in school, or you remember being in school, You remember you used to look forward to the summer because there would be no routine, like there would be maybe a minimal routine, or maybe you were working and there was a routine, but sometimes it was nice to feel that you had a break from the daily grind and the routine of getting the kids in school, getting them home, making dinner.
and doing other things. But often what happens is in the middle of that lack of a routine, I'll say, that typically we start looking forward to them going back to school. We look forward to getting back into a different routine in this next season of life. We crave something that gives us a sense of normalcy, a sense of what is normal.
We, we can have expectations about what the week is going to look like. And so for widows, it's also really important to create their own sense of routine.
Now, a routine is really tricky when you're balancing , what feels like hundreds and thousands of to do's and tasks and lists. And you guys know, I like to make lists and sticky notes and they're just everywhere. And. What becomes really important then is that we become aggressive with taking control of our calendar and using block time to put in the big priorities or what I call the big rocks of things that we want to make sure are really getting taken care of.
I remember shortly after Nathan died that I, Would find day after day after day just more and more things that needed to be done whether it was getting paperwork together for the attorney Doing maintenance on the HVAC systems at home whether it was getting the kids re enrolled back in school like every day I was adding five or six to dos to my list and Maybe taking off one or two and after several weeks of this I just remember talking to my dad and saying I feel so discouraged You Like, I love lists.
I love putting things on lists. I especially love scratching them off and marking them as done. But I think I will never get out from under this list. Like, I feel so overwhelmed. I don't even want to start doing one thing because I know it's Don't see an end in sight. And I remember my dad telling me that you only have to focus on today what has to be done today.
Likely, there are a lot of things on that list that sure they need to be done, but they have different due dates. Right? They have different times when those could be completed. So just go, just focus on what you can for today and schedule out the rest. And even though, intellectually and logically I knew that was true that's something I would tell other people to do.
Sometimes we need someone else to tell us that and to remind us that there is a way to get out of the what feels like a mess. There is a way to climb out of the pit of all the to dos and the projects and to actually see those begin to be completed.
So one of the things that we did in the mastermind this week is I had each of our masterminders go through and write down what I call all of their big rocks. Write down all of the projects and the to dos that maybe you've been putting off or you just can't seem to find time to get those done. These may be projects around the house.
It may be things with finances. It may be something that you keep telling yourself you want to do, but for whatever reason, it just doesn't get done. Write all of those down.
What I find for me, what I find that's really helpful for me, is when I know that I have
I put it on my calendar, just like it's a doctor's appointment or just like it's an appointment with someone that I really don't want to cancel or in my mind, tell myself that I can't cancel what that allows me to do is it allows my mind to quiet down.
I don't worry that I've got all these tasks out there somewhere that need to be done. And I'm not going to remember when I'm going to get them done. I need to remember to call about that thing or check up on this. But in my mind, it's calmer and quieter because it's on a calendar. I know when it's going to get done.
The second thing is that it gives me visibility. And knowing that if I have to reschedule, if I have to move it, if something comes up, I haven't just lost sight of the fact that it needs to be done, I can see it on my calendar and I can move it over. And then third, it actually blocks my calendar so I can get that done.
I will even block my calendar for things like I need to call and make an appointment. Maybe it's a dentist appointment for the kids, maybe it's for them to go take their driver's test, whatever it is, just the fact of I need to call someone, I need to send an email, I need to fill out some forms, whatever it is, I put it on my calendar like an appointment so that I know when it's going to be done, I maintain visibility to it, and I actually have the time blocked off to get it done.
In the mastermind session this week, we also worked on identifying all of the things that are important to us. Maybe it's relationships that we want to cultivate or new relationships that we want to create and that we want to connect with people. Maybe it's holidays. We have lots of holidays coming up.
Everyone was encouraged to write down not only the holidays that are coming up, but all the things that happen around the holidays, things like needing to prepare to buy gifts for Christmas or go shopping for that Thanksgiving dinner, or, things like that. Maybe you decide to skip a holiday altogether and take a trip or do something totally different, but having the time even blocked out on your calendar to be able to plan that or to be able to decide or to hash out options with a friend or a family member, just having that time blocked out is really helpful.
We also worked on other categories of those big rocks or big priorities, things like self care, exercise, hobbies,
travel, all of the things that sometimes not in the back of our minds that we know we want to do or that we would like to see happen, but sometimes we just let time go by and realize we still haven't got around to doing it. Planning that thing, planning that lunch, planning that trip, getting organized and ready for the trip.
All of these things that are important to us sometimes just end up being on the back burner much longer than needed.
In the mastermind, we work on identifying our big priorities and our big rocks. So that we know what we what's important to us that we don't want to lose visibility to so that we can start putting them on our calendar. And then we also take time to create our dream schedule. So what do you want every hour that you're awake of every day on a typical week to look like?
What hours are you spending with friends? At work, at school, volunteering, managing projects around the house, doing hobbies or things that you enjoy. How are you actually spending your time versus how you want to spend your time? We took time, no pun intended, today to walk through and build out the dream schedule of what we want.
Look at the reality of what is actually happening. And then also look at our calendar the next few months ahead and figure out those big rocks and big priorities so that all of these little sticky notes and to do's can get to done and put on the calendar. So, that's the first area that we look at when we are in devastation is having a sense of routine, having a sense that we have things that are organized and planned out.
We don't expect to get everything done right away, but we have a plan for when it will be done and a way, tools and a way for us to actually plug it in and get it done.
Okay, the second key area that we look at when someone is in this devastation phase They're in survival mode is I look at what they're focused on with from a self care aspect
now, self care can mean a lot of different things. So I'm going to use this term very loosely, but essentially the easiest way I think about self care is what are the things that fill your cup back up? What are the things that help you feel renewed, refreshed, re energized, ready to tackle that next day?
Those are the things that would fall in the self care bucket. A lot of times people think, oh, that's a massage. It's getting my nails done. It's being pampered. It's, yes, it can be those things, especially if those things are meaningful to you, and they've been part of your experience in life in, in your self care.
It also could just be the luxury of Reading a book, going to the movies, engaging in a hobby, learning something new, traveling, or going to a place that you've always wanted to go. Self care really can be a lot of different things. And what I tend to experience and what I tend to notice other widows experience is that when we don't find, make the time to plug in things.
and priorities for us that help us feel refreshed and renewed and re energized, then we quickly can become irritable, bitter, cynical, and resentful. I see a lot of this with widows and women because for whatever reason, we tend to have a lot of shoulds. That live in our mind and a lot of shoulds that tell us we should put other people first or my kids should come first or,
those are my siblings. I need, I should do something for them or I should be there for other people. And we tend to think like I should do and do and do and do and do for other people before I focus on myself. Because. That's just selfish or I, other things are more important than me. One of my coaching clients, she's not the only one, but one of them, one of her struggles is finding time to exercise, finding time to just do meditation and deep breathing.
And her challenge is that everything else feels more important. The laundry feels more important. Putting away the groceries feels more important. It feels lazy or selfish for her to do things that are for her. But, when we don't do these things that help us feel refreshed. energized, meaningful, then we don't show up as our best selves for other people.
And so there are times I would tell my kids, especially in those days of grieving, like, Hey, I'm going to go lay down for an hour. I just need some mom time. If you want me to be a whole like functioning adult, I need some time to myself. Otherwise I'm going to be a little bit irritable and cranky and then nobody's going to be having a good time.
And as long as that communication's there, I never had any issues with needing a little break or finding some time for myself.
So if you're feeling burnt out, you're feeling overwhelmed, you're feeling stressed, number one, look at your routine, look at what projects and to dos and tasks you have that just need to be organized and scheduled. And number two, look at where you are with self care and in doing things that you can reinvigorate you and refresh you.
All right, the third area that we look at when someone is in this devastation survival mode is just simply categorized as help. So what help and resources do, does a widow have with managing life and day to day tasks with having a board of advisors or a pool of people to ask, like, Hey, my roof is leaking.
Who should I call? Hey, this estimate came in at this amount is. That a good amount someone asked how often are my tires on my car supposed to be rotated like I didn't think about any of that before and so widows just really need a strong support system of help, not only just like living day to day life, getting groceries, taking care of things.
Maybe having someone to help watch the kids, but also help from a decision making process, a mentoring process, someone who's there for them, who's just gonna sit in the mud and the sadness with them. Having those resources and having a, a sense that there is help around you when you need it is the third area that I look at.
This is typically an area as widows that we have to proactively build. Our social circle tends to disappear or evaporate or maybe never even really existed. So these are connections that we have to form, relationships that need to be developed, and
Ideally, those things come together before we need the help, but if not, there are ways we have of navigating that. Alright, number four, the fourth area that I look at when someone is in this devastation and survival mode is emotional healing.
So emotional healing can come in many ways. This might be counseling. It could be coaching. It could be support groups. It could be like a widow camp or a widow type event. It could be just sitting and your feelings and naming them and processing them and just looking them dead in the face. It could be talking openly about your person and just day to day life.
With family or at events or figuring out how you want to honor your person and keep them alive, keep their spirit alive with you as you live life and have some of those great experiences. But emotional healing is really important. And in most cases in one on one coaching, this is where we start.
You guys have heard me talk a lot about grief recovery method. It's one of my favorite tools to use with widows as far as being able to heal your heart. Because you learn so many tools to navigate grief. You learn how to truly step back and look at all of the losses. You've experienced across your life, do a deep dive of the hurt and loss that you've experienced in a specific relationship like with your person, and learn how to acknowledge one of the great ands in grief, which is, I love you.
You were amazing. We had a wonderful marriage. And
I was hurt by things in our relationship. I'm in sorrow because I'm grieving our unmet dreams and hopes and expectations for the future. Or it may be a totally different combination of we were married and there were things about our relationship that I enjoyed and that I will miss and my life is a lot calmer now and easier now.
And I don't miss the fact that you're not here.
And I'm just going to pause there for a moment because there are so many of you who are afraid to say those words out loud, who diminish your grief because it feels bad or it feels wrong to say. So through grief recovery method, through coaching, we learn how to embrace two dynamics that normally in our mind are polar opposites or very different,
but going through emotional healing, learning thought models, learning how to embrace these very complex emotions and experiences are all really important in this devastation phase. And this is often an area where there's opportunity. Sometimes widows have not emotionally healed.
Sometimes they have suppressed. Their feelings, they distract themselves, um, Saubia who was on the podcast, was an amazing story, an example of somebody who just powered through, who just went through the motions for her and her kids, who just thought that time would magically heal all wounds, and as she shared on the podcast, she woke up one day, three years later, actually feeling worse than she had when her husband had died.
And that's because She did not focus on emotional healing until she had this awakening while she was at home with her kids.
Now, sometimes widows struggle because they have They have followed the same path of suppressing, of distracting themselves, of going through the motions and not facing the pain and the hurt of that loss they've experienced, plus all the other losses that they've experienced in their life. But, there are also many widows who have done some of that work.
They've gone to counseling, they've talked in grief groups, they've tried different things, but they still can't quite get over that hump, if you will, of guilt and regret and just the hurt. That is part of grieving a person that we love. So, where we can, I really try to start with emotional healing, start with developing a, a routine or a sense of organization to their life, so that the alarms that are going off in their mind can start to quiet down.
Because when you're in volatile grief, And when you are wrestling with guilt and just the yearning for one more conversation and you feel all of this incompleteness, it's really difficult to walk forward without feeling super volatile, super up and down. Which was my experience with grief as well, where I tried to go on new adventures, I tried different hobbies, I tried going to different events, and I just wrestled half the time with my mind and all of the thoughts about what is the point of this, why am I doing this, he's not even gonna be here, what, I, I knew this was a bad idea, like all of the mind drama that happens, I experienced that too, and that's why This is really an area where I like to start when I'm working with clients.
All right. The fifth area that we look at when someone is in devastation and survival mode is a spiritual connection.
Now, this one is actually a bit of a tricky one because widows have all kinds of different experiences. A lot of widows do work with me because I am faith based, and that's one thing that they're attracted to about my coaching practice and how we operate, and how we operate in the mastermind.
And I have seen widows that have gone through this grief and this pain and have become much closer in their relationship to God. And I have seen other widows that Question things, which I think is which, of course, is totally normal, and I've seen widows that feel unsettled, they feel further away, or maybe this is driven them away, and that bothers them.
They don't want to be in that place. Where they're angry, or they're upset, or they're questioning, and so it can cause a lot of fear and uncertainty. But they don't know how to get back even to neutral, or even to a point where they can feel like God hears them, sees them, and cares about them. So this can be a little bit of a trickier one to navigate.
The spiritual connection is really an important place to look when we're talking about someone who's in survival mode, because a spiritual connection can allow you to feel a sense of meaning and purpose. It can allow you to feel heard and understood and loved. Even at a time where you don't like what has happened, you don't like where you are, and your circumstances, and the fact that you're having to walk this journey without your person, having that spiritual healing and connection is just so critical when we're at this stage.
And I really encourage widows to have open and honest conversations. So this isn't about like faking it with God to say, yeah, we're good or thanks God. Or I know you love me, but just being willing to have those open and vulnerable conversations, like even just being able to say, God, this really sucks.
I hate this. I don't understand it. I don't like it. I wouldn't have made that decision. I would have saved my husband. I feel hurt, I feel abandoned, I'm incredibly lonely,
and I'm angry. And I don't want to feel any of those things, but I don't know how to get over this chasm and this gap. There are many times where I personally would pray to God and just say, God, you've, you've got to pull my heart out of despair because I'm not going to live like this much longer.
I can't, I can't function when my heart is in the pit of despair and it feels like there's no hope. Like, I need you to swoop in and save me.
Being willing to have those conversations and those prayers is so key, and to be able to just ask over and over and over again for wisdom and love and peace and all of the things that God can give us that we can't even understand. Like, when you first lose your person, you can't fathom enjoying life again.
You can't even imagine what it must be like to be able to laugh and it feels real. To be able to go out and have fun and come home and not feel depressed all over again because, You're getting in bed by yourself in those early days, weeks, months, like you just, you can't even imagine it. And so you really want that spiritual connection and that ability to ask for those things and to keep asking until you receive them and to have those open conversations so that you can be pulled into a sense of meaning, a sense of connection.
So that you can see opportunities and blessings that are coming your way that feel so far away. So to recap, as part of the chaos to calm blueprint, which helps us get out of devastation and out of survival mode, number one, we create a routine. Two, we incorporate self care and the priorities of things that are important to us. Number three, we build a support system of help and resources. Number four, we process emotional healing and Number five, develop a strong spiritual connection.
Okay. I hope today's episode was helpful for you. If you want to learn more about specifically how to do these things, if you want to join our masterminders on their journey over these next few months,
if you're thinking about one on one coaching, or you're thinking about group coaching, or you just really have no idea what your next step should be, Then schedule a consult with me. It's one hour of your time. You're going to get value out of the call. You're going to learn specifically what I would do if I was in your exact situation, specifically what I would do.
I'll customize a plan made just for you
and you can make a decision and move forward from there to schedule time with me. Just go to brave widow. com.
if you're a widow struggling to move forward and you want clarity and direction on your exact next steps. The brave widow mastermind is the perfect program for you.
In the Brave Widow mastermind, you are going to move from stress and chaos to routine and calm. You'll build confidence in yourself and your decision-making. Gain clarity and direction to get unstuck and track your progress to see the results for yourself. Go to brave widow.com to join the mastermind or learn more.
