116
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Introduction to Episode 116
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[00:00:00] Hey, hey, and welcome to episode number 116 of the Brave Widow Show. Today, I'm going to talk to you about navigating loneliness as a widow, and we're going to walk through how to navigate this using a thought model. taught by the life coach school.
The Struggles of Loneliness
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[00:00:18] Loneliness is one of the most reported struggles that widows face. And I know it's something that I faced too.
[00:00:26] It's incredibly unsettling to go from having a life with someone who knows every intimate detail about you, who's part of your every day to day process, who Gives a crap really about your day and the things that happen to overnight. All of a sudden, no one's there to fill that void anymore. And not just anyone can fill it.
Personal Experiences of Loneliness
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[00:00:50] One of the most jarring experiences for me is that.
[00:00:53] I used to travel pretty extensively for work and as part of my routine, I would fly somewhere typically in the evening, I would get in a rental car, I would drive to the hotel. It would typically be pretty late at night and then I would be texting Nathan to let him know that I had made it to the hotel.
[00:01:10] And it was so strange to go through that whole process and reach for my phone or think about texting him or getting to the hotel and realizing, Yeah, I'm sure there are people that care, but nobody that cares the way that he does. We also used to exchange funny videos at the end of every day, and that was always just a lot of fun and very lighthearted thing that we would do.
[00:01:35] And so, it reminded me every time I saw a funny video, and I would go to hit the forward button, I would be sad and realize that I didn't really have anyone to share that with. And family and friends, they do the best that they can because they're reaching out, maybe they're inviting us to do things, they want us to know that they're there for us, and that they don't want you to be lonely as a widow, but it's still, it's just so different.
[00:02:00] It's so different having Friends and family around versus that one person who really was your companion in life and who knew your strengths, your weaknesses, and still chose to be with you.
Statistics on Widowhood and Loneliness
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[00:02:13] I want to share with you some stats that I found, about loneliness and widowhood. A study by University of Cambridge found that 50 percent of widows reported feeling lonely often or always within the first year after their spouse's death. 72 percent of widows said they felt lonely with feelings of isolation persisting for years beyond the initial loss. According to research published in Health Psychology, widows are at a significantly higher risk of social isolation and reduced social activity. Many lose 75 percent of their social network within a year of their spouse's death. 75%! I know many of you can resonate with that.
[00:03:01] Prolonged loneliness among widows is linked to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and physical health symptoms. Studies show that loneliness and widowhood increases the risk of mortality by 26 percent as reported by the National Institute on Aging. So loneliness is a huge topic for widows and something that we, unfortunately, is a reality of what we have to face.
[00:03:30] Now, I shared with you a couple examples of how loneliness affected me, and I could go on for another couple hours about how it affected me, but I think ultimately between losing the person who knew us best. And then losing our social circle, which is our family, our friends, the people that we were around, which is a staggering statistic to say 75 percent of your social circle typically is lost, but I believe it.
[00:04:00] I hear that from widows. Almost every single day of how disappointed and hurt they are because it's like everybody has disappeared and they're gone and are just now incredibly lonely.
Understanding Social Circle Changes
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[00:04:13] And there are many, many reasons why this happens. I've covered it multiple times on the podcast, but just as a very brief recap, one of the reasons why our social circle is Evaporates is our person or the combination of us with our person was the anchor for that relationship and I noticed that in my relationships to Nathan was the life of the party.
[00:04:38] Nathan was, the center of attention. He you either loved him or you hated him there. So,, there are people that just really loved being around him. He was fun. He was extremely smart and quick witted and very charismatic. And so a lot of our relationships, he was the center of that and it left a big hole when he was no longer there.
[00:05:04] Another reason why our social circle changes or disappears is because we ourselves. are changed through the trauma of this loss of the loss of essentially our other half and in many cases Family and friends are waiting for us to go back to the person that we were to act the way we used to act to think the way we used to think and We just don't have the luxury of doing that As widows, our old life is an ash.
[00:05:33] It's over. We have to build something completely new, which can feel overwhelming, can feel disheartening, but
[00:05:43] I want to encourage you, if you're not there yet, that you can create a life that you enjoy and that you love again.
[00:05:50] Loneliness also affects widows because our special days just amplify those feelings of isolation. So think about. Holidays, which maybe most people would assume are harder days for widows, but they don't think about all the other anniversaries, maybe the first day that you met, the day that you got married, the day that they got sick, if they were sick or had a chronic illness, the day that they ended up dying, things like Mother's Day, Father's Day.
[00:06:23] We don't really associate that with widowhood and loss. People don't naturally. realize that those may be dates that are hard for us as widows, but they are. And so it just perpetuates this feeling of I'm alone. No one's thinking about me. No one cares about me. And really loneliness for widows, it leaves this feeling that we're unseen, we're forgotten, we're abandoned, we're completely misunderstood.
[00:06:53] And for many widows, it can leave us asking the question, like, what's the point? What's the point of living? What's the point of even trying to build a life that I love again?
Reframing Thoughts to Combat Loneliness
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[00:07:05] Nobody's gonna notice nobody's gonna care It can really lead you down a path of hopelessness, so I want to teach you a little bit about the thought model that the life coach school uses and When I talk about thought work Mindset thought models a lot of times people associate that with oh, I just have to think happy thoughts and when you're a widow and When you're lonely and when you just feel so unseen, it feels super fake to think that you are thinking happy and positive thoughts, but that actually is not what we do whenever we use a thought model.
[00:07:45] We actually reframe, we want to reframe our thoughts into something that is genuine and true, but also something that is going to serve you and be helpful in the long run.
[00:07:58] And the reason, like when I work with widows one on one, I challenge their thoughts a lot. We dig deep into the thoughts that they're having. If there's someone who's struggling with getting something done, someone who's struggling with accountability, someone who's struggling with making things a priority, one of my first questions will always be like, what are the thoughts that come up when you go, when you go to do that thing?
[00:08:25] And it's always really interesting, all the thoughts that pop up. So. A thought model is you have a particular circumstance. Now, a circumstance is a fact. It's not an opinion. It's not
[00:08:41] a feeling. It's not a thought. It is a circumstance. And so your circumstance could be, I'm a widow and I'm facing loneliness. That is your circumstance. It's unbiased. It is what it is.
[00:08:59] So you have thoughts about these circumstances, and these thoughts are going to drive your feelings. Your feelings are going to drive your actions, and your actions are going to drive your results.
[00:09:10] So before I tackle loneliness, I'm going to tackle a little simpler example, so maybe you can see it clear. So let's say you have the circumstance
[00:09:19] that you don't go to the gym, like it's just a circumstance. It's true. You don't go. You could have thoughts that are that say, Oh, it's too hard to go to the gym. I'm overwhelmed. I don't know how to use any of the equipment. People are going to stare at me. I'm super out of shape and overweight, and it's just too hard.
[00:09:42] I can't get out of bed in the morning. I don't have time to go to the gym. You can have all of these thoughts about the gym. Let's say you have a thought, it's too hard to go to the gym. Well, if that's the thought you're leaning into, then you are going to feel discouraged. You'll feel overwhelmed. You'll feel unmotivated, you'll feel all kinds of things around that thought.
[00:10:08] And so when you're feeling discouraged and unmotivated and uninspired and overwhelmed, most likely, you're not going to take any action. You're not going to go to the gym. You're just going to sit at home on the couch, probably eating potato chips, right?
[00:10:26] So your result is you continue to stay in the same shape or even get into worse shape because your actions are not supporting the goal that you want long term. Now let's take that same circumstance. Currently I'm not going to the gym, but maybe you have a goal that you want to get in shape. You want to become stronger.
[00:10:44] You want to have more stamina, whatever that is. So instead of choosing to think I've never been to the gym before. It's so overwhelming. Everyone's going to stare at me. I don't know what to do. I'm going to look like an idiot. I'm going to make a fool of myself. Some of those thoughts may be true, like maybe you haven't been to the gym before.
[00:11:06] Maybe it is going to feel overwhelming whenever you walk in there. So when you choose a new thought, you want to choose something that's true and that honors you. a thought that feels true for you. Like, you don't just want to jump to thinking like, Oh, it's going to be great. I'm going to walk in there.
[00:11:24] I'm going to know what to do. Nobody's going to be staring at me. It's going to be empty when I walk in. Like, it's just going to be a great experience. Yes. It's going to be wonderful. Like just flipping to this super positive thought process isn't really going to help you. So what you want to do when you're reframing your thoughts is to be intentional.
[00:11:45] First of all, about what thoughts are coming up From your circumstance, what feelings those are creating and how your feelings are driving your actions, which ultimately are feeding into your results. So the first step is to look at what thoughts are you having. So let's say you wrote down all those thoughts that come up whenever you think about going to the gym or whenever you start getting ready to go to the gym.
[00:12:07] It's too hard. It's too overwhelming. People will stare at me. Okay, you've looked at all those thoughts.
[00:12:13] Then what we want to do is we want to reframe those thoughts and again we want it to be emotionally true, but we want to change it into something that better serves us and is going to leave us with a better feeling, okay? So as we're looking at these thoughts and we're comparing them, maybe we choose instead to have the thought of, I've never been to the gym.
[00:12:38] But I can figure it out. Maybe another thought is, I can hire a personal trainer. Maybe another thought is, it's going to be hard in the beginning, but if I will be consistent, I can do this. Maybe another thought is everyone has to start somewhere. So as we start deciding to choose these newly reframed thoughts, that will drive a whole new set of feelings.
[00:13:07] Now, instead of feeling like overwhelmed and discouraged and uninspired and unmotivated, I start to feel hopeful. I start to feel kind towards myself. I start to feel like there are solutions. to my challenges and problems, and maybe there are solutions I haven't even thought of yet. But I also feel like I could give it a try and see how it goes, and I don't have to stop myself before I even get to go.
[00:13:38] And because I feel hopeful and because I feel inspired and I feel that I can try it, I'm much more likely to have actions of Actually going to the gym. Of actually trying it. Of maybe hiring a personal trainer. Of maybe looking up a workout routine online. Of starting small and even just taking baby steps.
[00:13:59] Maybe I go two days a week and then three days a week. Or I just start by walking around the block of my home outside. I just start with something very simple. But because I'm choosing thoughts that I can start small, I can take baby steps. I feel much more hopeful about my ability to get the results of what I want.
[00:14:21] And over time, because I'm choosing the actions of going, even if it's two days a week, going two days a week is better than going no days a week. Going three days a week might be better than going two days a week. So over time, By choosing those actions and being consistent, I'm much more likely to get the result of improving my shape, improving my weight, improving my strength and my stamina.
[00:14:45] Whatever those goals are for you, you can have different results based on your actions, which we know, right?
[00:14:52] If you want to get in shape, you need to eat healthy and incorporate exercise. But sometimes those things are hard because of how we feel about them or the thoughts that we have towards those things. So this is how we use, this is a very simplified version of how we would use a thought model in coaching or mastermindism of our group coaching
[00:15:14] events that we have. So as we think about loneliness, you have a circumstance, which is, I am a widow who is faced with loneliness. That's true. It's not an opinion. It's not a thought. You are a widow and you are facing loneliness. So you could choose thoughts like I'm all alone. No one understands. Nobody cares about me.
[00:15:40] I've been forgotten. I'm abandoned. I could disappear tomorrow and no one would care. Many of us, if not all of us, have had those thoughts, and what feelings come from those thoughts? You feel isolated. You feel abandoned. You feel helpless. You feel so small and insignificant. You might even feel sad or depressed.
[00:16:09] And so when you're feeling those things, when you're feeling isolated, abandoned, depressed, anxious, you tend to withdraw further. You avoid people. You avoid opportunities to connect. You don't put yourself out there and invite someone else to lunch or to coffee or to connect. And so your result is that you continue to stay stuck in loneliness, and this reinforces this behavioral thought pattern.
[00:16:37] Right? Your brain looks for opportunities to prove itself right all the time. And so when you have thoughts, I'm lonely, no one cares, no one understands, I've been abandoned. Your mind is looking for every little sign to tell you, see, no one does care. See, no one's invited you. See, nobody has called or texted you.
[00:17:00] You are alone. You are forgotten. You are unseen. And so in coaching, one of the big things that we work on is reframing our thoughts to drive different actions. The circumstance is true. I shared a lot of statistics with you earlier in the podcast. People do lose their social circle. People do feel lonely.
[00:17:22] That is true. That is a circumstance. It doesn't have to be that way forever.
[00:17:27] But one of the things that we have to face as widows is that you have to choose to proactively rebuild your social circle. If you sit back and wait for people to come to you, it's not going to happen. And you might be thinking, Oh, I'm a homebody. I don't like going out. I don't like meeting new people. I don't like crowds.
[00:17:47] I don't like strangers. I'm not good at this. I'm not good at networking. But see now how all of those thoughts are going to impact your feeling and how that's going to drive your actions and your results. So, if you think, I don't like crowds, I'm a homebody, I don't go meet new people, I don't like strangers, I don't know what to say, I hate small talk.
[00:18:10] If these are the thoughts bouncing around your mind all the time, then, Ultimately, through your feelings and your actions, you're not going to get the result of having a strong social circle. You're just not. And let me tell you, on the Myers Briggs scale, I'm pretty hardcore on the introvert side. So I need a lot of downtime.
[00:18:31] I need a lot of Alone time to recharge my people battery. I understand the weight that it takes at times to connect to other people, the energy it takes to put yourself out there, to get through all of the small talk, to find something deeper. In fact, I even have a course in the Brave Widow community that teaches you how to meet new people and make new friends, even if you're an introvert.
[00:18:59] Even if you're a small talk, if you hate small talk, even if you don't know what to say to people, I will teach you how to do all of those things, even if that's a natural challenge for you.
[00:19:11] But you have to decide to do it. You can't sit back and wait for people to come to you and to maintain a relationship. I had one person outside of my family that did that. And she's a bulldog and I don't know why she chose to keep reaching out to keep inviting me to keep being my friend, even though just mentally and emotionally, I couldn't reciprocate like she's an angel for doing that and for inviting me and including me and still talking to me and still like giving me updates like everything's just normal and, you know, we're still friends and, and life's great.
[00:19:47] And that was amazing. But. 99 percent of the people don't do that, didn't do that for me. So your circumstance, I'm a widow and I'm facing loneliness. Write down all the thoughts that you have around that, that where your mind is telling you it's true, no one cares, you're forgotten, you're abandoned, you're unseen. So your circumstance is the same. Now we're going to look at reframing into some new thoughts. So maybe you start with one. And maybe the first thought is, I have the ability to create new connections and relationships. Well, that's true. You do have that ability. Maybe a new thought is,
[00:20:38] I feel lonely right now, but it doesn't have to be this way forever. Maybe another thought is,
[00:20:48] I'm a person worth meeting and I'm giving credit to one of my clients for that because she told me that in a conversation we had and it's so powerful. I love it. Maybe another thought is my best friend is out there. I just haven't met them yet.
[00:21:06] Think about if those were the thoughts that you were having. That your future best friend is out there, you just haven't found them yet. That you can create new relationships and new connections. That you are someone of value and you're worth meeting. Oh my goodness, if those are your thoughts, think about all the feelings that that generates.
[00:21:28] Talk about feeling hopeful and inspired and brave. And more courageous to try to meet new people. And if I told you right now, listen, you have this amazing best friend in the future. They are waiting for you to find them. They are looking for you, but they can't find you because you're just sitting at home.
[00:21:54] So you got to get out there, meet some people and go find your best friend. If I could tell you that, 100 percent certainty, how much different would you feel than the unknown, which is what you feel in the beginning? So, again, having these newly reframed thoughts, you feel inspired, you feel motivated, you feel hopeful, maybe you even feel a little courageous and brave, if you start to choose these new thoughts, your actions are going to be different.
[00:22:23] You're going to be more encouraged to go actually meet people, to get through the small talk and find deeper connections to invite the person to lunch or to go have coffee or to come over to your house or whatever that is, you're going to be more likely to go out and meet new people and by taking those actions over and over and over again, you're going to get a new set of results, which is You now have new connections, you have new acquaintances that develop into friendships, and eventually you find one or two people that become like a best friend to you, that become a really deep and meaningful relationship of somebody that you feel close to.
[00:23:05] Now does that always mean that you're going to feel like you've replaced? That role that your husband had. No. That's not what I'm trying to insinuate. But you don't have to live a life where you feel incredibly lonely, that you feel you have no social circle, that you feel like nobody cares about you, and you get to decide if you want a companion again, if you want a new relationship and a new Another spouse as you move forward, you get to decide that down the road, you don't have to decide that right now when you're feeling lonely.
[00:23:40] In fact, I recommend that you don't. I recommend that you wait until you feel that you have good relationships established and you know what you want for your future and you feel confident about that.
[00:23:50] The key here is it's not about pretending that loneliness doesn't exist, but through our thoughts, we want to recognize the role. of thought and how we experience and respond to that loneliness. The circumstance of feeling lonely, the circumstance of being a widow that's facing loneliness rather, is true.
[00:24:14] And
[00:24:15] This isn't something that just changes overnight, but if you will be consistent with reframing your thoughts, taking actions based on those thoughts, you are going to get a completely different set of results. I'm not a networker. I'm not the life of the party. I You know, go through all the motions with meeting new people and trying to make connections.
[00:24:40] But every time I put myself out there, every time I go to an event or a widow meetup or a real estate investor meeting, or I go somewhere where there are other people that I can get to better, great things happen. new connections get made, new results come out of those connections. I could go on and on about that, but I'm always glad that I went to some of those events, whether I have a closer relationship now to, One of the people that were there, whether they've introduced me to someone new and have a great relationship with them, maybe we made a deal happen on the real estate investing side, whatever it is, I have a different set of results by putting myself out there and by being involved versus if I just sat at home and waited magically for people to come in.
[00:25:29] Now, one of the keys to reframing thoughts is that this isn't a one and done You are retraining your brain Okay And we have thoughts and feelings all the time that our brain and our body pushes up to the forefront and we can choose whether or not something is true and whether or not something serves us.
[00:25:52] So just because a thought is true or feeling is true, that doesn't mean that that serves us and that's moving us closer to the results of what we want to have. Just like anything in the beginning, it's more difficult. It requires more effort to do this reframing work. It requires a lot of practice over time.
[00:26:12] You'll get really comfortable doing this and it'll be something that you do just Almost second nature.
[00:26:18] I want to encourage you if this is something that you try in reframing your thoughts and noticing how it feeds into your feelings, your actions, and your results. Don't get discouraged if over time you keep having these other thoughts that come up and it says, see, why are you trying? I told you no one cared.
[00:26:35] See, why did you put yourself out there? No one spoke to you. See, I told you this was a waste of time. Your brain again is trying to prove itself right. And we are. are going to train it, not to stop doing that, because the brain loves to do that, right? But we are going to train it towards the new set of thoughts that we want to have.
[00:26:54] So it starts to look for those data points as proof that these new thoughts are correct. And sometimes we can thank our brain for trying to keep us safe. And we can say, thank you for offering me this thought. I'm going to put that to the side, choose to think something else like, The brain's job is to keep us on autopilot, it's to keep us safe, it's to keep us in what we know.
[00:27:18] That's why when we try to do anything new or different, we feel a lot of resistance. And we feel, we think of all the things of why something isn't going to work, and all of the what ifs. Because the brain wants to run on autopilot. It wants to do the same thing every day. It wants to do what it knows is safe and comfortable and drives things that are pleasurable.
[00:27:40] It doesn't want you to feel anxious and afraid and put yourself in new situations. So we can honor and acknowledge what the brain is trying to do while still choosing to do something different.
Practical Tips for Navigating Loneliness
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[00:27:52] All right, now I want to share with you four practical tips for navigating loneliness in addition to the thought model. So tip number one is to reconnect with yourself first. Through grief and through the trauma of loss, we become a different version of ourselves. The person that we were in the past isn't completely gone, but there have been some pretty significant changes that have happened.
[00:28:18] So give yourself lots of grace and take the time to figure out who are you now? What types of things do you like and enjoy? What types of new things do you want to explore that maybe you weren't interested in in the past? Or maybe you never would have done that because it wasn't something that your spouse would have liked or enjoyed and so you just never really tried it.
[00:28:40] Allow yourself to look at this like a mini adventure where you're poking and prodding and following different paths and exploring and really just trying to figure out who you want to be in this next season of life and what kind of life that you want to have. Do you want to go play pickleball? Do you want to take a dance class?
[00:29:01] Do you want to do pottery? Do you want to go back to school and choose a totally different career path? Giving yourself grace and just taking time to say this season of life, I'm exploring who I want to be and the types of things that I want to do. That's totally okay. That doesn't mean it's going to be that way forever, but it's important to understand Now who you are and what you want for your future so that you can take the steps to intentionally create that future.
[00:29:31] All right, tip number two is to take small social steps. Now, if you were a big social person before, you might want to just dive right back in to where you were, or you might find that that's pretty difficult. But again, we're giving ourselves grace. We're giving ourselves time and kindness to explore who are the people that we want to surround ourselves with.
[00:29:52] And I like to think of this as , I have a
[00:29:55] rope, like a red velvet rope around me with stanchions. And I'm being very thoughtful about who I want to allow access to me. Whose words do I want to hear in my mind? Whose vision, whose opinion, who's personality, like who are people that I really want to surround myself with and be intentional about building those relationships.
[00:30:22] Maybe it's inviting someone to lunch. Maybe it's inviting someone to coffee. Maybe it's looking at meetups that are happening in your area and choosing a couple of those to attend. Maybe it's reaching out to someone at church.
[00:30:37] Helping a neighbor with a task or inviting them over.
[00:30:40] However you choose to start rebuilding your social circle, it is important that you choose and that you decide that you're going to rebuild this and that you recognize this means that you have to be the person proactively moving this forward. You can't sit back and wait. magically for people to reach out to you and to want to build a relationship with you.
[00:31:02] It's just realistically where we are.
[00:31:05] Number three is finding a community that truly understands. This may be a local grief share group. It might be a local widows meet up. It might be the brave widow community who would love. To embrace you and accept you and get to know you, but it's important that you find people who have walked a similar path or journey as you have, who truly understands what it means to have lost a spouse, to have been in deep grief, and to have They have had to rebuild their life, or maybe they're on the journey to rebuilding a life.
[00:31:43] You don't want to be in a community, which unfortunately, some grief communities are like this, but you don't want to be in a community where people are bitter and sad and angry. And that's all that there is. There's no hope that life can be better that life can get better, that you can have a life that you love and enjoy post loss, that maybe that group just criticizes the people that are trying to do that.
[00:32:07] You don't want to be around that group. You want to find a strong community of other people who get what you're going through so that you can feel seen, so that you can feel validated, you can feel understood, and you can connect with people who have their own unique challenges, but at the core, understand what it means to have lost a spouse.
[00:32:30] In the Brave Widow community, we have member calls, we have heart to heart connection calls. We have lots of opportunity for you to get to talk to other members and to be able to form that connection with people who understand you in a way that others who haven't gone through this can't understand.
[00:32:48] All right. And tip number four is to explore new hobbies or activities.
[00:32:53] This is also a great way to rebuild your social network, and in fact, I typically recommend for widows that they build their social network some people from their past, family and friends, people that they know or that they want to get to know better, people that understand grief and have walked a similar journey, so they have that validation and understanding, and then other people that maybe have nothing to do with grief.
[00:33:17] But they don't know the widow as that person existed in the past. All they know is the widow and how they're living.
[00:33:24] But form those relationships around hobbies or activities or groups where you're learning information or things that bring people together. a vibrance to your life that some of these other relationships may not. It gets your mind working on learning something new or trying a new skill or just really like dipping your toe into a completely different world.
[00:33:47] Just having those relationships and connections can go such a long way.
Conclusion and Community Invitation
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[00:33:51] All right, so those are my thoughts on navigating loneliness as a widow. And here's the thing, loneliness is temporary unless you decide that it's going to be permanent. And the way that you decide that it's going to be permanent is that you decide to take no action. Therefore, you get no different results than what you're getting today.
[00:34:10] And if you're not sure where to start, if you feel intimidated and overwhelmed and afraid to be able to put yourself out there or to move forward, you need to join us in the Brave Widow community. We're going to take you by the hand, walk side by side with you on this journey, get you connected to some of the other widows that are part of the community, and teach you how to feel safe.
[00:34:35] And teach you how to get out there and make new connections with people.
[00:34:39] You don't have to face this alone. The support and connection that you crave are all waiting for you inside the Brave Widow community.
[00:34:48] To learn more, go to BraveWidow. com.
[00:34:51] Emily: Are you a widow who feels disconnected? Do you feel like you're stuck or even going backwards in your grief? Widowhood can be lonely and isolating, but it doesn't have to be. Join us in the Brave Widow membership community and connect. We teach widows how to find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future.
[00:35:12] Find your purpose and create a life you love today. Go to bravewidow. com to get started.
