Benjamin 122
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Introduction and Episode Overview
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[00:00:00] Emily: Hey, and welcome to episode number 122 of the Brave Widow show. Today I talk with Benjamin and he shares his story about being a widower and having kids while also losing his wife.
Grief to Growth Challenge Announcement
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[00:00:15] Emily: And before we dive into his story, if you are listening real time, meaning that you are listening when this podcast comes out Tuesday, November the 5th, that this is the start of our Grief to Growth Challenge.
Our three day challenge here at Brave Widow. It's absolutely free. You can get access to the replays to sign up. Just go to BraveWidow. com challenge. Today is election day here in the United States. And I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of all the election noise, of all the political information, of all the political calls and texts and everything that's coming through that just feels like you're being bombarded with every single day.
If you would like something else to think about, or if you are ready to learn about grief myths, about how to break free from guilt and grief we are even going to talk about dating and guilt and grief with new relationships. Then you want to join me at bravewidow. com slash challenge.
Welcome to the Brave Widow Show, where we help widows find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future. I'm your host, Emily Tanner. After losing my husband of 20 years, I didn't know how I could ever experience true joy and excitement again for the future. I eventually learned how to create a life I love, and I've made it my mission to help other widows do the same.
Join me and the Brave Widow membership community and get started today. Learn more at BraveWidow. com
Meet Benjamin: A Father's Journey
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[00:01:59] Emily: All right, let me introduce you to Benjamin.
Benjamin is a father of three kids and a business owner. He was married for 21 years before losing his wife to in 2021. All right, let's jump into Benjamin's story.
Benjamin, thank you so much for coming on the show and being willing to share your story today.
[00:02:22] Benjamin: Thank you for having me.
[00:02:23] Emily: Absolutely. So I know our audience would love to learn more about you and your background, and then we can just dive into your story wherever you'd like.
[00:02:34] Benjamin: Okay. I'm Benjamin. I'm in Austin, Texas. I've been in Texas my whole life but I've not been in Austin very long. I've only been here for a little over three years. But I'm widowed for almost three years. This December will be three years. So we moved here I moved here with my wife and our kids and then I lost her a short time later.
So an interesting beginning to moving to a new city, but we didn't move that far away. We came from Houston, which is only about a little over three hours away.
[00:03:07] Emily: It still can feel like a totally different universe. I don't know if what they say about Austin is true, but I hear it's a little bit different world down there in that part of Texas anyway.
I
[00:03:18] Benjamin: don't know if we have any Texas listeners, but I think that the four major cities in Texas are like a family and family members rather. Dallas is like the father, very formal, proper. And Houston is like the rebellious son who makes it all and loses it all and makes it back.
And I think, San Antonio is like the mom, come sit down, have some comfort food. And then Austin is the creative, very artsy sister or daughter, so that's, they're all very different than the four Texas cities but they all have their pluses,
[00:03:52] Emily: yeah. That's interesting. I went to San Antonio last year. And then I've been to Dallas many times, so I haven't hit the other two recently, but I think you're onto something there.
[00:04:02] Benjamin: Yeah. Yeah.
Benjamin's Love Story
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[00:04:04] Emily: So share with us a little bit about how you and your wife met and maybe what did you, what were you really drawn to her about?
What were some qualities she had that you just really fell in love with?
[00:04:18] Benjamin: Yeah. So the joke that we always used to say is that I was given her number a year before I called her. The joke, with guys is like, when you get a girl's number, when should you call, two days later?
Should you call a week later? I joked that I waited a
[00:04:33] Emily: year. Did you really wait a year?
[00:04:34] Benjamin: Yeah, I did wait a year. But there's a good reason for that. I was living and working in Dallas and really had no plans to leave. Dallas at all and like that there I grew up in Houston and and I went to college in Dallas and I just really like the city and like working there, but I traveled a lot.
And so somebody back home. I think my mother. Yeah, my mother had a friend who gave me her number. My wife's number and my wife was. She grew up in Houston, but we didn't know each other. We were the same age, but we just grew up in different parts of the city, but knew some of the same people.
As it later turned out but, I was given her number and I didn't really know who she, I didn't know she was at all, but I was given her number and I was like, why would I call someone in another city? This makes no sense. It's hard enough to get a date in town. Why would I want to date somebody out of town?
And so about a year later, I got assigned to a client in Houston, actually the north, north part of Houston. And so it was suggested to me, Oh, you should give that girl a call. I'm like I got her number a year ago. I don't, I think we've missed the window and they're like no, you should call.
I'm like, okay. So I called, and I'd been on a lot of like blind dates. And they were pretty uncertain and disastrous in some ways. And so I really didn't have high expectations at all. I mapped out like where I was going to take her. I was going to take her to the Starbucks right around the corner from her house.
And I showed up wearing. Like some tattered khakis and some beat up boots. And I and I think I, I was visiting in, in, so I didn't have my car cause I flew into Houston. So I actually borrowed my mother's car and she had a car seat in the back for my niece. So I was probably going, I was doing everything I could do to not impress her.
Cause I was okay, fine, I'll call her. When she opened the door, I was just like, Oh God, I wore the wrong thing. Like I've made a grave mistake here. But. Needless to say, I changed the venue of the date. We didn't go to Starbucks. We went to a nice cafe and we had a four hour date.
And I knew by the end of the night that was who I was going to marry. And and from there it was just a quick, engagement and we were married for 21 years. We knew each other for 22. And we were just a great team. Just aligned in a lot of, in a lot of ways aligned in terms of just our goals and, finances and, religion and parenting just a really good team.
[00:07:00] Emily: That's amazing. What are some of her qualities that really stand out to you that you really liked about her.
[00:07:06] Benjamin: Yeah. I think she was calm, I later learned that she wasn't, she was a warrior, but her, I think she didn't tend to get caught up in a lot of the drama of other situations.
So I just liked the calm about her and just kindness. She was just really kind remember, she would like volunteer even when we were older and she would volunteer at school to be like, work as a room mom or something like that. And she'd always, Hey, can you read this email?
Can you make sure I'm not offending anybody? And she was just like, just was that way. Just did not, she was sensitive, but. She also was sensitive to others, and I think that was just something where we really matched up well, and that was definitely a quality I was drawn to.
[00:07:47] Emily: She sounds like just a beautiful person inside and out, and 21 years together, these days, that's really a feat.
I'm glad that you did have that time together.
[00:07:59] Benjamin: Yeah. No, it's a good point you make. I think as you get to know their widows and widowers some are together longer and some are together much shorter. I've met some where, they didn't even, they hadn't even finished getting the thank you cards out from their wedding and they're already in the hospital and dealing with the health issues.
It's, we can definitely dwell on the negative, but, if 21 is a long time. It's, it's not long enough, but it's a long time.
[00:08:23] Emily: Yeah. Yeah.
Coping with Loss and Raising Kids
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[00:08:25] Emily: The two of you have kiddos together.
[00:08:28] Benjamin: Yes. We had three kids 21 year old son, 18 year old son, and a 13 year old daughter.
[00:08:35] Emily: Okay. So you've got your hands full.
[00:08:38] Benjamin: Yeah. I laugh because, boy play that raising a boy playbook is. Yeah. It's totally different than the raising a daughter. And it was, and it's like, gosh why do I get the joy of raising a daughter by myself without my wife? It's, I've accepted it, and I definitely take it seriously, but definitely the hardest chapter is raising a daughter, just, being opposite genders, but There's positives too.
[00:09:03] Emily: Yeah, definitely. And I was talking with another actually a client that I have earlier today about, when you have, we both have boys and girls and it's a challenge because you want to be everything to your kids and you want to be able to give them everything as if their other parent was there.
And we just feel limited in some ways of I have three boys and a girl. When you have. Boys, you want them to be around other men and you want them to learn about those things and yeah, mom can take you to ballgames, but it's just, it's not the same completely. So that is definitely a struggle and having a teenage girl, I feel for you.
It's a struggle for me. Do you mind to share how your wife died and some of the events that led up to that?
The Diagnosis and Final Days
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[00:09:52] Benjamin: Yeah I think some, we, she started I can trace it back to where she wasn't feeling well at times, but it was very intermittent, and probably around 2019, 2020, it was just like once a month or so, just, some discomfort and then it would quickly go away and she couldn't put her finger on it and she was extremely health conscious.
She, I felt like she knew her body and as we got into the end of 2020 and really beginning of 2021, it really ramped up to where it was more constant and we were we were about to move to Austin. And and our oldest was graduating from high school that spring. And she just wasn't feeling well all year leading up to the move in July.
And so we moved to Austin in July. And then we got our son settled into college. And then after that, it just, it was weird. It's like after, it's almost like she willed herself to get him into college, like to move him in. And then after that, it's I really felt like that's when I became probably a single father or solo dad, because I was making all the lunches and just getting the kids to school and we were going to, we were, we continued to go to doctors, but nobody could really figure out what it was.
And then the end of October a primary care doctor in Austin finally zeroed in and said, I think it's, I think I know what it is. And it's called amyloidosis. It's a very rare disease, but it's it's like a blood cancer, but not really. It's, your body starts making proteins. But they're not folded down correctly.
And so they start getting deposited to different parts of the body. And and you shut down the production of them using using chemotherapy, but you don't, you can't really clean them up. You don't, it doesn't really clean the cancer, if you will. The damage has already been done. And so she was in line for a heart transplant.
It had damaged her heart. And so we were in a race against time. It was like, can we get the proteins. levels down low enough in order to get the heart transplant. And we were making good strides. We had to move. It was crazy. We moved to Austin in July. She got diagnosed in October.
We immediately ran down back to Houston, two of us. And because they had a center of excellence for this disease and and she wanted to stay close to the doctors there. And so it was hard because I had to leave two kids in Austin and they were bouncing around to different people's houses.
And and finally I was able to come back and forth and split the week with the kids and then my wife. And and then we had this plan that after the winter break, we would, even though we had just moved to Austin that I would move. We'd move the kids and myself down to Houston into an apartment so we could be there with her every day for treatment.
Because I felt like the kids really needed to see their mom, even if she wasn't well enough, like the, just the idea that they could just run. 10 minutes down the street and see her. I felt like that was important versus being three hours away. And so we're just trying to finish the school, the semester and get into winter break to, to make this happen.
And then I I was there for a treatment and then I was, And then I said goodbye and I was heading back to Austin and then that night she had a cardiac event and we lost her and so I was with the kids in Austin when it happened and her family was with her dad was with her and her stepmother and and that was just sudden, it's just, I think even the doctors were surprised because we were making progress with the treatment, we were just, They were just, they were having to tweak the heart, every week with different medications, but it was just hey, can we strike this good balance until we can get a heart transplant?
I think that was the idea, but so to lose her, I think was a surprise to, not just to us, but also to the doctors treating her. And so I think that's been. I think that part was just probably the biggest thing to get our mind around. I'm still getting my mind around it three years later.
Navigating Life After Loss
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[00:13:38] Emily: It had to be just incredibly overwhelming to be, running a business, juggling the schedule of, three kids, teenagers, young adults, which can be hectic anyway. And then having the worry of your wife being three hours away and just feeling I would imagine you probably just felt like you couldn't be everything to any one person.
Like that just had to be really incredibly hard.
[00:14:04] Benjamin: Yeah, I, remember at the time just wondering how this is all going to play out, but I was managing it somehow, I don't know, I think, talk to other widows and widowers and, those, those who have gone through a stretch where, or dealt with a situation where their spouse was sick we talk we've talked, we talk about There's that energy level that you access where it's almost like you have like superpowers, where you're, you're like juggling so many different things and and that's, Yeah, looking back, that's true love, just to try to like, to make it all work and lean on people who you can trust.
But yeah, it was a lot.
[00:14:42] Emily: So what were the next, couple weeks, couple of months like, and you might not be able to remember much, a lot of times it's just a blur. But did you feel like you had a lot of, support from family and friends or did you have to figure out? You know how to juggle it all on your own.
What did that look like for you guys?
[00:15:02] Benjamin: Yeah, I don't know it likes it's a blur. I remember there's just certain pieces to it. I was always a hands on dad I helped my wife a lot. So it wasn't like It wasn't like I was this dad that traveled all week and all of a sudden I was like, I had no idea what was going on.
I had a pulse on the house, if you will, and the kids. So it was just, it was, so I knew how to do that. I knew that, I didn't cook very well but I knew how to do all the other Things, you're just in shock, and so and you're just like you're sad and you're, you get periods where you just you don't feel like getting up and, but you do and, if you get the kids out the door, get them to school and you can do some work that was like, that was a good day or not a good day, but that was like, an accomplishment.
But I think I think I learned how to there were some relatives that were able to step up and help me. Thought about what would've, what would it have looked like had we been in Houston still where we had a lot of friends and I don't, I'm not the kind of person that like, I don't love, asking for help.
So that was like probably my biggest lesson to learn. But but I kinda learned how to like. get help when I needed for the kids, get, getting sitters or, getting like college students to run, pick up my daughter from school and and then take her to different activities so I could continue working.
But really just, that was, it was just, how can I get a system down, to a daily system with the kids? And that, that took, you I mean, honestly it took years. I'm in year three. I feel like we didn't get some semblance of routine until year, like deep into year two. And and I think the one thing that, so I'm talking about like managing kids and managing the house and, initially after it happened, I think that was extremely hard, and each kid reacted differently, including myself.
So that was like one piece. The other piece is just it's. What were things like after it happened for me personally, I think, every widow and widower probably realizes. Some may realize the next day or some may realize, a year later, but, for me about a month in about mid January, when the kids went back to school, I took a walk around the neighborhood and I realized oh had this I've had, people checking in on me.
I've had friend friends calling people visiting, you get everyone kind of experiences that initial like everyone wants to help, and immediately thereafter, but then, when people went back to, to their work and their lives and I was I had to just forge ahead and it was really just for us.
It coincided with the kids all going back to school. That's when I realized. Oh, okay. I have to do this myself. Like whatever grief looks like can't go around it. I can't go under it. And whatever I do, I'm doing it by myself. Like I can pick up a phone and call a friend, but at the end of the day, I'm the one doing the work.
I'm the one that has to endure all the pain and really the recovery to some degree. And so that was, For me, that was like a seminal moment, a month later.
[00:17:56] Emily: Yeah. And I'm glad that recognize that's something you'd have to work through because I think some people really try to suppress it or just ignore it or think Oh, if I just give it enough time, just magically I'm going to feel better.
And it's just not always the reality of that. How did you balance I know a lot of people struggle with this too, the grief of, your kids and being there for them and then also feeling like you had the space and time to grieve on your own and that you didn't have to, not put on a face, you, you could just breathe and just exist and grieve in your own way.
How did you try to balance that?
[00:18:35] Benjamin: Yeah, it's hard because I think each kid was different, and they and they were all, three different ages and they're all three different personalities and, three different stages of their life. One in college, one in high school, one in elementary going in the middle.
And those are three different places. I just, when I sit down and think about who I was as a person and all three of those stages, it's gosh, I would have interpreted the loss of a parent like so differently at all three ages. So I think my biggest biggest strength, whether I developed it or had a little bit of it and honed, it was picking up on my kid's moods.
Like the quicker I could pick up on their mood and read the room the better. And when I didn't, or when I missed it, or when something was going on. At work or something that really distracted me. That's when I don't say I paid for it, but it's that's when I saw the consequences. Okay, I didn't see that one and you're not going to catch them all.
But that was the biggest thing. Some kids, needed therapy or some kids needed therapy, but didn't want to go to therapy and tried it and it was, it didn't work. That's I've tried to give them all the resources They need that's how I handled their grief and just being open and talking about their mom and figuring out which kids were okay with me talking about their mom and which kids weren't, some, I have one child that, you only talk about mom in a funny way, if there's a funny story, you can't get I have one kid where you just can't get serious or you can't get sappy or, You can't go in and delve deep.
But that's okay. That's what that child can handle. And and over time that will change. I'm sure. And but for myself, in terms of. I'm fortunate that I'm, I own my own business. And so I think there were times where I could, I wasn't like in an office building environment to where, I don't know.
I really feel for the people that work in an environment where they maybe can't step away and take a moment or an hour, a couple hours. So I was able to do that at times, whether it was going to take a walk or, meet someone for coffee and I use the summers, honestly, to do a lot of work on myself, just because.
There are often other activities or sleepaway camp and so those are times where I would take an extra effort to work on myself a little bit.
[00:20:51] Emily: I love that you thought about each kid, differently and not only just as individuals, but where they were in their life and trying to pick up on what they're comfortable with and not.
Because. You have a lot going on in those first few months and even that first year. So it can be really challenging to do all of that. And obviously owning your own business, I think in some ways it comes with a lot of flexibility and in other ways it's a tremendous amount of pressure at the same time too.
Yeah, I definitely commend you for that.
Advice for Widows and Widowers
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[00:21:24] Emily: What advice would you give to other widows and widowers on how to get through those first months, the first couple of years, or maybe as you've noticed your kids are getting older and they're figuring out this new life, any advice that you would share with others?
[00:21:44] Benjamin: Yeah, I think if you're in the first year there's my basic, things. I think if you're in your first year, like your priorities need to be get enough to eat and get enough sleep. And that's not easy and it sounds easy, but it's not. Tend to in the first year you tend to eat too much or you tend to not eat enough.
And then it's really hard to get sleep. And just getting like a very light sleeping pill at night from a doctor that has no side effects. I forget the name of it, but just getting that quality sleep or as much as you can. I think those that kind of allows you to tackle the other things like, Your kids or work or, handling your grief, I think.
So if you're in year 1, you really just, you just seem to be like, I need to get to the next minute and then I'll go to the next minute, and once I'm better at managing minutes, then I'm going to manage the next hour, I'm going to take it 1 hour at a time. To when you graduate to 1 day at a time, and there's no.
Rush to get there. And but I think that was, that's the advice I'd give, somewhere in the first year. And also year is a year first, it's in my case the first mother's day that my kids and I all celebrate and our wife, my wife's not there and their mother's not there That's just one example of you're going to go through that first holiday without them.
And what I found in the first year was that immediately I thought way far ahead. What are we going to do Mother's Day? And it was like seven months away. And what I learned was like, don't think about it. Wait till it gets closer. And then, and then make your decision on based on how you feel and how your kids feel.
Because it's like, it's like thinking about step number 25 and you're only on step 3. So I think as you get more years into your, being a widow or widower, you're able to contemplate those holidays a little more in advance and think through them because you have a few under your belt.
But I think the first year you need to take the expectations like completely down to zero. And really just take it one day at a time.
[00:23:40] Emily: That's really great advice. And for some people that's really hard to do is give yourself grace and lower the expectations that you have for yourself and give yourself permission to do something different for a holiday or start a new tradition or, just tell family and friends, sorry, I can't host this year, like whatever that is and whatever that looks like for them, that it's okay.
figure it out as you go. And just because you do something different this year doesn't mean next year has to be the same way, but it's a difficult journey that we're walking on especially that first year and it's okay that People are still figuring that out over time.
[00:24:25] Benjamin: Absolutely.
Conclusion and Final Thoughts
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[00:24:26] Emily: Benjamin, thank you so much for coming on the show today and just being willing to share your story.
I appreciate you being vulnerable and helping to encourage and inspire other widows and widowers out there.
[00:24:38] Benjamin: Absolutely. Thanks for having me. Let me help others. Appreciate it.
Join the Brave Widow Community
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[00:24:41] Emily: Are you a widow who feels disconnected? Do you feel like you're stuck or even going backwards in your grief? Widowhood can be lonely and isolating, but it doesn't have to be. Join us in the Brave Widow membership community and connect. We teach widows how to find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future.
Find your purpose and create a life you love today. Go to bravewidow. com to get started.
