124 Kristine
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Introduction to Episode 124
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[00:00:00] Emily: Hey, and welcome to episode number 124 of the Brave Widow Show. Today, I talk with Kristine, who shares her beautiful story and her beautiful presence to encourage other widows who find themselves in a similar situation you do not. want to miss this episode.
It's so good. We're coming up now.
Holiday Season and Community Invitation
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[00:00:22] Emily: I'm recording this in advance, but by the time this podcast comes out, we are going to be right around the holiday times, like almost right in the thick of it here in November and the states we have Thanksgiving that's coming up. Then of course, Christmas, New Year's and all the other.
wintertime holidays of things that are coming up and I do not want you to go through holiday time alone. I would love to invite you to join us in the Brave Widow membership community where you can walk this journey with other widows. Where you can learn how to heal your heart how to Start to create a life that you can actually love again to find joy and peace again and to have experiences that aren't always overshadowed by sadness and regret and Yearning for the life that you used to have the life that you had Unfortunately, is over.
And so as widows, we must do the work of healing our heart and
defining who we are going to be now and what kind of life that we want to have for the future. And guess what? If you feel lost, if you feel overwhelmed, if that seems so impossible, I've got you. I've got you and the other widows in the brave widow membership community have got you too. And we are here to help walk this journey with you and to guide you on the path to creating a life that you love again.
Meet Kristine: A Resilient Solo Mom
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[00:01:57] Emily: All right, let me introduce you to Kristine.
Kristine is a 27 year old solo mom and widow who navigates life with resilience and creativity. Kristine strives to raise awareness and support for those facing similar challenges, turning her experiences into a source of strength for herself and her community. I cannot wait for you to hear her story and the wisdom that this 27 year old solo mama and widow brings to the show.
Let's go.
Welcome to the Brave Widow Show, where we help widows find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future. I'm your host, Emily Tanner. After losing my husband of 20 years, I didn't know how I could ever experience true joy and excitement again for the future. I eventually learned how to create a life I love, and I've made it my mission to help other widows do the same.
Join me and the Brave Widow membership community and get started today. Learn more at BraveWidow. com
So Kristine, thank you. And welcome to the show. Thank you. Yeah.
Kristine's Journey and Loss
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[00:03:08] Emily: So I know our audience would love to learn more about you and your background, and then we can just dive into your story wherever you want to start.
[00:03:18] Kristine: Yeah, absolutely. So I am 27. I have an almost two year old daughter. She'll be two in December, which is crazy. She is my absolute world. I'm originally from California. I've lived in St. Paul, Minnesota for about 10 years now. And based off of what we're talking about today, I'll touch on the subject that I've been widowed for a little over a year now.
And my journey currently has just been focused on navigating loss, navigating solo parenting through grief, PTSD, etc. And really just figuring out where I want to go from here.
[00:03:57] Emily: Yeah, 27 is just seems super young to be widowed and I know that has to probably feel a little isolating to know that if you go to a widow meetup, a lot of times we may not feel connected to the people in their 80s.
[00:04:14] Kristine: Yeah, we just have our own challenges. Yeah. Yeah, that seems to be the common theme. There are not a lot of Young widows, especially in their 20s, which I'm grateful for. I don't think that anyone should have to go through this, but it can feel isolating
[00:04:28] Emily: Yeah, so tell us some about your person and what he was like and what you just really loved about him
[00:04:36] Kristine: Yeah, definitely.
So his name is Chris. He was just a month shy of 31 when he passed away. We were together for four years, married for just shy of two years. We were both in recovery, so we met in a recovery community and, we just clicked instantly. And it was like, I never had doubts that he was my person.
We moved very fast. We moved in together after about four months. We got engaged when we had been together for a year. And we did just like the whole standard thing that you do. We got engaged, we got married, we got a dog, we bought a house we planned a baby. And It was very much so a relationship that had a lot of ups and downs, but for the most part, it was a relationship that was focused in growth and learning each other and understanding each other.
So I lost him when I was six months postpartum. Our daughter was six months old, which was very difficult. And I'm very open about this topic because I think that it should be talked about more often. I did lose him by suicide. And I was the one to find him. So that's been a very challenging thing to navigate.
[00:05:51] Emily: Wow. So I'm sure that, not only the shock of losing a spouse, the shock of. Being the person that found him, but then also having to be in a new mom and having a baby, right?
Coping with Grief and Mental Health
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[00:06:06] Emily: like I'm sure there are additional challenges too with the way that he died and maybe the way that people talk about it or Maybe you feel a little differently than the quote unquote traditional widow or however you want to look at that Which was your experience like in that whole process?
[00:06:24] Kristine: Yeah, so it is challenging, and it's something that I've noticed makes people very uncomfortable, and a lot of people didn't really know how to react to me, didn't know how to respond, which is understandable. It's a very uncomfortable topic. And there was a lot of comparisons to like suddenly losing a partner in a car accident or from a heart attack, etc.
And. And that was and still is pretty tough for me because there is the back and forth regarding suicide and how he passed away of was a choice was it not choice and trying to navigate how I feel about that. And, it did feel like a sense of abandonment, right? It felt like we had all these responsibilities that we agreed to share together, we both wanted and planned to have our daughter and suddenly my life was just flipped upside down and it was done so in a way that, could have been prevented, I think.
It wasn't like, It was just a freak accident. So that was difficult and is still difficult to accept.
[00:07:37] Emily: And I'm sure just because I've talked with other widows that have been in a similar situation that you probably get haunted by the thoughts of could I have said something? Could I have done something?
What could I have done? But I know that My understanding is people that are wrestling with that. It's really something internal for them. It's not because someone, didn't say the right thing or didn't feel like they were there for them or any of those things. But I know knowing it here and knowing it here is two different things too.
[00:08:09] Kristine: Yeah, absolutely. And that's something that I struggled with a lot in the beginning. It's gotten quite a bit better, but I do still struggle with it. One thing that I try to remind myself of a lot is that suicide is not a normal response to life's problems. I remind myself that if I could lose my partner by suicide and not, and my own life, That means that there's just something different in the brain of someone that's going through that.
I feel like you have to be in a tremendous amount of pain. And I think if anything, I could have maybe prolonged it another day or another week, et cetera. But I think that once somebody is there in that mindset, it's really difficult to rely on external factors to get you out of that. So when those thoughts creep up of what could I have done?
What did I say? What did I not say? Hindsight is 2020. So replaying every single argument we've ever had in our relationship, everything I wish I would have done differently. I just try to remind myself and give myself grace that I did the best that I could with the knowledge that I had.
And I don't think anyone. believes that their partner would do something like that. So it's not something that you really take into consideration when you're dealing with everyday relationship struggles.
[00:09:25] Emily: Yeah. Yeah. And you said that really beautifully and I'm just so proud of you for being so brave and talking so openly and maturely about a conversation that's really hard for people to talk about.
Support Systems and Asking for Help
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[00:09:39] Emily: Did you have a lot of family support or friend support as you were, juggling being a new mom and trying to process all this or what was that like for you?
[00:09:49] Kristine: Yes and no. That was one thing that was very challenging for my husband and I. He was from Florida. I was from California. All of my family's still back in California.
All of his is out in Florida. So it was like we were on this island. But And there wasn't a ton of help with the baby. There wasn't a ton of support. And thankfully, when he passed away, his family came out. My family came out. I think there was someone that was staying with me every single day for about two weeks.
And I do have a beautiful group of friends and support network, which has been extremely helpful. I don't know what I would have done without them, to be completely honest. But there are still challenges of not having family out here. And, I grappled with the idea of, do I move home?
Do I not move home? And ultimately I chose not to, but that was a very big challenge and it did feel very lonely at times. And, it can be hard to reach out when there are struggles.
[00:10:45] Emily: Definitely. And do you have any advice for widows that maybe they're in the early days of going through that and they're feeling alone or maybe they're embarrassed to ask for help or they feel like, Oh, I should, it's my baby.
I should be able to do this. What advice would you give to those folks?
[00:11:04] Kristine: Ask for help. Everyone wants to help. That is one thing that I've learned throughout this process is that people are genuinely grateful that they have the opportunity to help somebody in general, but especially somebody that they love and care about that is going through something that is so difficult.
People love babies and there are not a lot of people in the world that will say no to helping with babies. And, I think just getting over the pride of it. Like you said, this is my baby. I should be able to do this. Giving yourself grace and compassion for the fact that, losing a spouse is one of the most traumatic things that you can ever go through in your life.
We're not supposed to go through it, especially this young, and we need help. We can't do it without help, and it is available. We just have to ask for it. And I think that the more I ask for it, the more comfortable I am with asking for it, because There's confirmation bias now of, okay, people love me, people care about me.
I'm not alone unless I choose to be. So it's a daily choice.
[00:12:07] Emily: .
I love that. And I love that you mentioned confirmation bias, which for people that may not know is essentially your brain wants to prove itself, right? So if you're constant, if your thoughts are people care about me, people do want to help.
People love babies. Then when you ask for help and someone helps you, your brain goes, Aha, see, they do like to help versus the opposite, which is if we focus on, I'm alone, no one cares about me, no one's helping me, then your brain is looking for every opportunity to say, See, I told you, no one cared about you.
So how wise of you to know that's how your brain operates and that's how you can choose to look for the positive in people that Do want to help you and do feel good about helping you.
Yeah, I had a really big problem asking for help. It is hard and it's embarrassing and it's, you don't even know what can I ask for?
What even should I ask for? I'm so overwhelmed. It can really, it can be a big struggle, but I love that you are encouraging other people to ask for help too, because It does make us feel good when we feel like we can step in and help somebody. Exactly. Yeah.
Healing and Moving Forward
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[00:13:30] Emily: So how are you doing now? What have you found the most helpful in healing and in trying to move forward and understanding this new version or this next version of you?
[00:13:43] Kristine: Oh, it's challenging. It is a roller coaster. It's very much so up and down. In the early days, I thought that there was no way I was going to survive. I thought that there was no way I was ever going to make it through a day without feeling like the weight of the world is on me. And just those, I'm sure you understand, those ugly cries where it just feels like it's never going to end.
And not really letting people in when I was feeling that way because, I constantly was told I'm so strong. So I felt like I had this reputation to uphold now that I'm so strong and I can just get through it. And thankfully I have been in therapy for years. I want to say I was in therapy for about three years when Chris passed away.
And I have a really good relationship with my therapist. So being able to have that support and being able to Use the coping skills that I've developed along the way. Lean on my community. Be very open about where I was mentally because I was struggling with my own mental health as well. And I still do has led me to a point where it doesn't feel as heavy.
It hasn't gotten, people say it gets better with time. It doesn't get better. I have just learned how to cope with it more. There are days where I don't cry and I never in my life thought that would happen. And sometimes I feel guilty for that. And that's a whole nother topic and subject.
I've gotten to the point where I've realized that, especially with Chris dying at the age of 30, life is so short and we never know what's going to happen. I want to make sure that I'm living it to the fullest while I am here. I want to make sure that I'm not wallowing in self pity.
I want to make sure that I am setting my daughter up for success. I can't imagine the feelings that she'll have and what she's going to go through with her own grieving process, even though she was six months old when it happened. So I just, I do everything that I can to learn how to regulate my emotions and how to feel my feelings.
That's probably the biggest thing that has helped me and not try to block it out. And the first year, I don't remember much of the first year to be completely honest. It feels like a fever dream. It was just complete chaos and survival mode. And the second year it's like everything is thawing and I get to actually feel these feelings now, which In a sense feels good, which sounds like crazy, right?
But it feels like I'm able to let some of this out, not let it hold me down or hold me back. And I'm able to actually process through it. And there's a sense of pride in it, of looking at how far I've come, looking at what I do for my daughter, what I do for myself, the ways that I've shown up when I've just wanted to do nothing but lay in bed.
And I still have those days, I get through it and. I can't say that I'm happy all of the time, but I do have glimpses of happiness now, which is something that I didn't think would happen.
[00:16:40] Emily: I felt like the second year to me felt more real okay, this isn't a bad dream anymore.
This is, really life, like how is this possible? And I was taking a lot of baby steps. Like I was taking some steps and falling down, taking some steps and falling down. So for people who are watching, if you're feeling that way, it's totally normal. And as you're processing your feelings and you're taking the time to feel them, that is the way that you can heal.
And you can get to a place where you don't want to cry every or it feels like life is pointless. Time is a component of that journey, but it's time plus what we do during that amount of time that really makes the biggest difference. Exactly. Yeah. What are, what would you say to widows who are, trying to balance taking care of their baby or their kiddo and they're trying to take care of themselves too.
How has that experience been for you?
[00:17:42] Kristine: Put yourself first. And I feel like that's controversial, especially when you have children. I learned that I cannot show up as a mom unless I'm taking care of myself. I have to. Make time to go to therapy. I have to make time to see my support network. I have to make sure that I am tending to myself and then I'm able to tend to my daughter and show up for her and give her an example of what it looks like to be a woman that Has gone through one of the worst things that you can go through, but can be okay.
Also remembering that it is temporary. Feelings are temporary. Having a child is hard, especially having a young child. It is magical and beautiful, and there are some days that I am just like, When is bedtime? Because I can't do this anymore. Yes. Really taking a moment to slow down is something that I've had to do.
I feel like when you become a widow, when you go through extreme loss, your body is just put into fight or flight, your nervous system is completely dysregulated. And when that happens, we either go into functional freeze fight or flight. And that can bring a sense of urgency constantly, even when there doesn't need to be urgency.
So one thing that has helped me a lot is to Slow down and really just be there with my daughter and watch her grow and enjoy the moments with her and remind myself that this is completely temporary. Just like when I have the days where I feel like the weight is, on my shoulders. The weight of the world's on my shoulders.
It feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest. I can't stop crying. I eventually stopped crying and I feel better. And this phase is something that is not going to last forever. I don't know what the next phase is going to look like. But I do know that when I am feeling completely down when I'm feeling like I can't live without my partner, I can't live with this on my shoulders for the rest of my life.
I have to carry being a widow forever, especially so young when I get into that mindset. I just remember. That I have no idea what's going to happen and I have no control over anything. All I can control is my attitude and my outlook. So just slowing down and taking moments to be grateful for a, how far you've come.
B everything that you do still have in your life, which can feel very challenging at Times and see the things that you've gained that maybe you didn't have before. Whether it's knowledge about psychology whether it's learning how much you can handle and get through, whether it's a new sense of self admiration, just taking a moment to recognize those things and appreciate those things and.
[00:20:23] Emily: I completely agree and I think, I hate that it sometimes takes this type of a loss to create that, but I also think that we're blessed to have this whole new perspective on life and what's important. And at the end of the day, we don't know when our time's going to be. And so we can't put things off.
We can't just wait for something to happen to us. We have to make things happen in our lives that we want to see come to fruition. Exactly. I fully agree.
What are some things maybe that have really helped you the most, whether it was therapy or reading a book or listening to podcasts or talking to other widows, what would you say has been one of the most helpful things?
Embracing a New Identity
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[00:21:07] Kristine: Doing things that I've never done before. Getting really outside of my comfort zone.
Therapy has been a huge help. I wouldn't have been able to do any of this without therapy. But, prior to Chris passing away, I was, I've always struggled with insecurities. I've always struggled with putting myself out there and Now I am just unapologetically myself. I'm weird. I'm quirky. I can be loud.
Sometimes I can be quiet sometimes and just putting myself in situations that I wouldn't have before. I recently went to Vancouver. And While I was on that trip, I went zip lining. I'm terrified of heights. I did this crazy wipeout type thing in the woods where I was super high up and you're having to climb through things that you can fall through And being able to look back on that experience and say, wow, I did that.
That was really cool. I've always struggled with body image issues. And this was the first summer in my life that I wore a bikini and went to a pool that I laid out and let the sun touch my body. I've taken care of myself in ways that I didn't when Chris was here. I relied on Chris a lot for.
validation for taking care of me and making me feel ways that I didn't know how to make myself feel. So learning to have an appreciation for myself and a love for myself and allowing other people to love me and just being myself and figuring out who that is and doing crazy things that I wouldn't have done before has been, you Literally the biggest help, and it's been so liberating.
[00:22:40] Emily: That is amazing, and I loved it when you said, just being unapologetically me. Embracing all the quirks, embracing everything that just makes me who I am. I think that is amazing, so well done.
[00:22:54] Kristine: Thank
you. And it can be so hard when you lose your spouse of okay who am I without this person?
Because for four years it was Chris and Kristine, then it was Chris, Kristine and Eliza. I didn't know who just Kristine was. And it has been a beautiful thing to be able to figure that out. And, I'm a far different Kristine than I was when Chris was here. I'm far different than I was when.
or before I met Chris, and I will never get to be those versions of myself again. I will always carry the weight of losing him the way that I've lost him, the PTSD, the flashbacks, etc. However, how beautiful is it to be able to create a new version of yourself and not let it hold you back?
[00:23:38] Emily: And with your new perspective on what are the things that really matter in life?
What are the things that are important? Whereas before, maybe it was something superficial that we would get caught up in. Or for me, it was, Oh, I want the living room set up this way. Or I want, this paint color, whatever. And now I'm just like, I don't even care. If that's how you want to do it I'm good with that.
Like I, it doesn't, bother me like it used to because at the end of the day, that's not the thing I'm going to remember. It's going to be the time that I spent with the people I care about.
[00:24:08] Kristine: Exactly. Learning that, not taking your shoes off in the house and leaving the toilet seat up is not the biggest deal in the world.
And learning that I have no control over anything. I don't have control over a single thing in my life. And prior to his passing, I tried to latch onto control so much. It's like you were saying with the living room or with a paint color. Needing things to be perfect, needing things to go a certain way being really upset if plans changed, being really upset by other people's actions, and learning that, A, what other people do or don't do has absolutely nothing to do with me, and it's not a reflection of my self worth, that's probably one of the biggest things that helped me with accepting the way that Chris died.
B. All I can do is just show up for today. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. It doesn't matter if my home is perfectly clean. It doesn't matter if traffic is taking longer than I want it to, or if I'm not going to be somewhere on time. Those things don't matter. What matters to me now are the connections that I have with the people in my life.
Hugging people as if I might not see them again, never leaving mad, never leaving without saying I love you, making sure the people in my life know that I love them, and I value them, and I cherish them, and not putting these little superficial things over the relationships that I have. And you know when I get caught up in those things, which I still do sometimes And I think that I still use those little things as a distraction from the real feelings that I have.
I just remodeled a house. They went through the whole paint color thing, and I was a little obsessive over it for a bit, but then I'm able to take a step back and go. This doesn't actually matter. And just learning that these things don't matter. It's like you said, when we're gone, or when someone that we love is gone, that's not what we're going to remember.
What we're going to remember is character, integrity, how people showed up, who was there for us how we showed up for other people, and just being there, actually being there. Not being there while thinking about paint colors, what my stair is going to look like the person that told me they were going to do something and ended up not doing it.
Just. Putting that to the side and being there.
[00:26:24] Emily: I think there's a lot to knowing that we're not in control. And again, we can know it like intellectually, but really feeling it and surrendering to it as a whole nother thing. And at the end of the day, we can choose our thoughts and we can control our actions.
And that's pretty much it. There's really not much else that we can control. And even though we should know that better than most people, it's still just hard to accept that and hard to let go of what gives us a sense of, Order and organization and Nathan helped me a lot with that when we were married.
Actually, I resonate a lot with what you said about feeling like I had to know every weekend when are we going to wake up and what are we going to do? And where are we going to go? Okay. We're going to go to Walmart at this time. We're going to do this or that. And then it's Oh, we're an hour behind now.
My day's all Screwed up. I'm like, what did it matter? It didn't matter. But, he helped me become much more spontaneous and adapt to some of those things. And I'm grateful for that now because it really has helped me just live in surrender that I can't, I can plan things the best I can, but things are going to go wrong.
And so all I can do is just be adaptable and resourceful when that happens. Exactly.
Final Words of Encouragement
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[00:27:44] Emily: So what final. Words of encouragement or advice would you give to widows who are in the early days of having lost their person by suicide and they're having all the thoughts and all the mind drama and all the guilt and they have the new baby that's crying.
They never feel like they get a break. What would you want to say to encourage or inspire some of those folks?
[00:28:12] Kristine: Be gentle with yourself. It is not your fault in any way, shape, or form. It's not going to be easy. It's not going to be pretty, but you will be okay. That is one thing that I know for sure.
You're not always going to feel okay, but you will be okay. And Having grace and compassion with yourself when you can't get out of bed when you don't want to be around your baby when you Just want to escape from the world. It is okay to feel that way. It is normal to feel that way it would probably be concerning if you didn't feel that way to be completely honest and asking for help, is the biggest thing people will help you people want to help you and Acknowledging and being very mindful, especially with losing someone to suicide of where your own mental health is at, where your own capacity is at.
There was a time in the beginning where I thought I was going to have to check myself into a psychiatric facility because I thought I just couldn't deal with it. I ended up not needing to do that because I asked for help, it is okay to need to take a break. And. I think especially like I carry so much guilt for the way I parented and how I showed up in that first year.
It did get better around the six month mark, but do not shame yourself. Do not guilt yourself. You're doing the absolute best that you can with what you have and no one is meant to be in this position. So if you're doing it and you're getting up and you're showing up and some days all you do is get out of bed and brush your teeth, that is a win.
And. You're not going to feel like this forever. You're still lovable. You're still desirable. People are there for you and you deserve to love yourself and give yourself compassion. And I will say it till I am blue in the face. It was not your fault. It was not your fault. It was not your fault.
[00:30:02] Emily: Yes.
That's really great words of encouragement and advice for those folks that are out there. So thank you for sharing that. And I agree. It's not their fault. And there's In many scenarios, even in my situation, where I question, oh, I could have made a phone call, I could have, seen the doctor again, I could have done all of these things, and you can get in those thought spirals, and Tell you till the end of time, if you want to, but at the end of the day, what you can control is doing the work to heal your heart and to give yourself so much grace and compassion and decide how you want to be able to start to move forward.
And no, like you said that's perfectly fine.
[00:30:51] Kristine: I agree fully. And you will feel joy again. Yes, but it does come.
[00:30:57] Emily: Yes. Thank you so much, Kristine, for coming in and sharing your story and being so open and vulnerable. I know it's going to help a lot of people out there. Of course. Thank you so much for having me.
Join the Brave Widow Community
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[00:31:08] Emily: Are you a widow who feels disconnected? Do you feel like you're stuck or even going backwards in your grief? Widowhood can be lonely and isolating, but it doesn't have to be. Join us in the Brave Widow membership community and connect. We teach widows how to find hope, heal their heart, and dream again for the future.
Find your purpose and create a life you love today. Go to bravewidow. com to get started.
